Christian Film Reviews: South Park The Movie, Harry Potter

[KurtNYC]

Nobody reviews a film quite like these guys. I mean nobody. They actually count each and every way that a film violates their rules and then they generate a score. They gained infamy after someone noticed their review of South Park (the movie):

excerpt:
The most foul of the foul words was clearly spoken by the children at least 131 times and many other times in a muffled or garbled way as well as in rapid uncountable succession in song... Angels were portrayed as females - nude, very nude....

(Warning: graphic text): http://www.capalert.com/capreports/southpark.htm

As for Harry Potter, they stumble around in their review then they go to this list of things that bugged them:

Offense to God (O)(2):
witchcraft/sorcery to control others, repeatedly
transfiguration
boy conversing with a snake
witchcraft/sorcery to start fires, repeatedly
witchcraft/sorcery to grow tail on a boy
community of witches and wizards
witchcraft/sorcery to destroy property
"You're a wizard, Harry"
"Not all wizards are good"
mirror to show deepest desires
half man, half horse beast
broom riding, repeatedly
attempted murder with witchcraft/sorcery, repeatedly
offer to resurrect parents by unholy force
"There is no good or evil. There's only power" (Voldemort)
talking witches hat
witchcraft/sorcery to create food
paintings with moving subjects, repeatedly
evil eyes, repeatedly
Christmas without Jesus
face in pain protruding from book pages
demon cat; witch's familiar
evil passing through boy's body, causing unconsciousness
witchcraft/sorcery to change flag colors
unholy possession

http://www.capalert.com/capreports/harrypottersorc.htm

Plenty more where that came from. Try your favorite film!

Full list: http://www.capalert.com/capreports/index.htm

[AngryOldDem]

1. Reviews done by religious news services

...are very entertaining.

I remember reading one about Apollo 13...praising it for showing that the families relied on their faith to get them through the crisis...when in fact the only religious reference I could recall was the scene at the end when a priest was sitting next to Jim Lovell's wife as they were watching the re-entry.

[tcfrogs]

2. Don't you suspect

That the people doing all the counting secretly get off on these "bad" movies?

[KurtNYC]

5. Absolutely - in the name of protecting us

check this Austin Powers review
http://www.capalert.com/capreports/austinpowers.htm

He seems to have sharper eyes than I do if he could spot At the beginning of the movie, there was a great deal of nudity which was very lightly masked as Powers pranced nude through what appeared to be a mall. The nudity was so bold and the masking so weak that as Powers spread his legs apart in one scene, the stretch of the tendons in his crotch was visible.

[NewJeffCT]

8. they had to be looking for that

I've seen the movie a few times and never noticed... of course, I don't spend my time leering at male crotches with magnifying glasses, either.

[Zuni]

32. They must have gotten out a magnifying glass for that

[ET Awful]

3. I remember reading their review of South Park a couple of years ago

And thinking to myself . . . "I wonder if these assholes realize that they are exactly the kind of fuckwads this movie was made to mock?"

[KurtNYC]

4. Austin Powers...

In another case, a bowl of fruit was used to hide Powers' genitalia. In the bowl stood upright was a peeled exaggerated banana with hints of human anatomical features. The banana was grabbed by a hand which ripped it out of the basket. As it was ripped away, two pieces of round fruit attached themselves to the bottom of the banana on either side. And Powers grimaced with pain as it was ripped away.

I just love their inadvertently funny take on classic Benny Hill slapstick.

[aden_nak]

6. They don't even like movies that HAVE a good message.

Lord of the Rings trilogy, the over-riding theme of which is that the few can rise up against evil and prevail, often simply by sheer force of will. . . got a bad rating. But there was lots of gore, so I guess that's likely to be. However, they also didn't care for Wrath of Khan (since it keeps coming up in the Lounge today I looked it up) because there was violence. It's no surprise, really, that the greater theme of the movie (being that the deadly sin of anger and specificly the act of vengance will lead to one's own destruction) was lost on them.

I wonder how their rating system would hold up against a literal movie depiction of some of the Bible. There's some graphic violence in there that would make Clive Barker vomit in his own mouth.

[KurtNYC]

14. Yes - found a reason to dislike "Babe" ?!

Of significant importance to the Christian viewer, Babe presented an out-of-body experience and resurrection. A dog, both rear legs paralyzed riding around in a special wheeled prosthetic, was seen quivering after a trauma with the next scene of the dog jumping around after butterflies in a colorful meadow. Then the other animals called to the dog and he recovered. Only Jesus can resurrect. And the only resurrections were those performed by Jesus, including His own.

[Z_I_Peevey]

7. Here's a term that puzzles me:

"Ghosting of female anatomy through clothing, repeatedly."

This is taken from the naughty list for the movie "Gothika," which I picked randomly.

Is this just another term for "guilty of being female beneath clothing"?

[pres2032]

9. they didn't like Dustin Hoffman "on the comode"

from the movie "meet the fockers"

apparently going to the bathroom is immoral.

they also won't write fockers, it's fo-s

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

13. It gets better

In a scene "Rugrats in Paris", the parents are shown in a French restaurant, dining. The movie got negative points because -- brace yourself -- they were drinking wine.

[7th_Sephiroth]

22. wasent Jesus(TM) VERRY

Pro-wine

[Carni]

20. So is flatulence according to one of their other *reviews* LOL

NT

[KurtNYC]

30. Would that be like 'God hates farts'?

[Carni]

45. I wonder if we could start a "God hates Farts" organization?

Maybe tap into some bucks from the bushit Compassionate Capital fund?

[sendero]

10. I hope they review...

... "Bad Santa" or even better "Badder Santa" soon. Funny how that would turn out. F*cking hilarious. :)

[KurtNYC]

11. The Birdcage - no review actually

just this:

I could not justify spending the time and effort necessary to do a complete analysis of The Birdcage. After 25 minutes of the show I had one and a half recording logs of homosexual suggestions and activities. There were other examples of unacceptable material, but none so thick as homosexuality. I apologize if you were expecting to see a complete review of The Birdcage, but there are some things I can stand, and some things I cannot stand -- this movie was "cannot." It was glorification of homosexualtiy, pure and simple. Great scott!! Robin Williams, the voice of Genie in Aladdin who said "I love you too, Al" and acting with children in Jumanji was right there on the screen kissing on other men! I am aware of Williams' use of foul language and sexual material in some movies, but whodda thought?

[Beware the Beast Man]

15. Funny, I don't remember him kissing anybody but his son.

:eyes: I guarantee you he shut it off after that scene. Too bad; I loved "Birdcage."

[Z_I_Peevey]

12. From the review of Office Space, I learned a new word.

Gamming--maximizing exposure of upper legs in a dress while sitting.

Somebody did this, apparently. The horror.

[Beware the Beast Man]

16. Oh, for fuck's sakes; that's the hypnosis scene!

Peter's girlfriend, I bet. I need to check out this website; it looks like a lot of fun.

[Carni]

17. That was real treat!

They are out of their minds IMO

[Beware the Beast Man]

18. Of course, he waves off "The Passion"

http://www.capalert.com/capreports/passionofthechrist.htm

And he even hated aspects of that film as well.

[pres2032]

19. THE BEST ONE!!!! SHREK 2

"cat licking its privates while purring, twice"


WTF, isn't that a NATURAL thing for cats?

[Left Is Write]

26. My cat did that ALLLLLLLLL the time. Even after he was neutered, he'd

still get a little woody and be all proud of himself.

[Bouncy Ball]

36. "get a little woody"

you're killing me, girl! LMAO!!!

[KurtNYC]

21. They loved "Saved!" NOT

http://www.capalert.com/capreports/saved.htm

attacks and ridicules Scripture and Christian doctrine
...
I couldn't write fast enough to capture all the insults to the Christian faith of to God's Word.

This list of their sins for that movie is priceless too.

[dean_dem]

23. An old high school teacher of mine....

...was uber-Christian. She wouldn't let her kids watch "Full House" anymore after that episode where they made a rock video for Jessie's band because she thought it was "pagan".

Now, of all the reasons to think "Full House" is the spawn of the Devil, that's the worst.

Anyway, if you were wondering about the kinds of people that consult these websites...

[pres2032]

24. the problem with dogma? virgin pregnancy

the heck? did they not read the bible??

[TrogL]

25. They hated "The Ten Commandments"

I mean, like, come on. If they hate a overtly religious movie like this, they must hate everything.

In fact, they do. Each review contains a disclaimer at the bottom decrying the entire entertainment industry.

[InvisibleTouch]

27. Site has GOT to be a joke

They're selling advertising space and asking for donations and click-throughs by means of creative writing. Now, I'm an atheist, Darwinist, and avowed Liberal, and I could take any movie and fake together a "review" that loudly proclaimed offenses to God at every second scene. I could even make up a few more that the creative writers at this site missed. The only thing I'd miss out on, are the Biblical references, because I don't know those. But I could fake it. ;) The joke's on anyone who sends them money. Meanwhile, it was an amusing hour's read....

[bobbobbins]

35. im inclined to believe its a joke too

nobody can possibly be that insane...i think its just a clever way to get click-through revenue...christians will read it, and non-christians will read it just to see how crazy it is.

[KitchenWitch]

28. Actual text from the site

"Bias Information on Gay-Teen Suicide Keeps Truth from Youth. From Mission: America. Now the turth is known."

:WTF:

WTF is turth...is that plural for teeths?

[Iris]

29. "nude, very nude!"

WTF?


And, OMG, Harry Potter had Christmas without Jesus! How do they know Jesus didn't have a previous engagement?

[Arkana]

31. Here's the loser who does this

Need I say more?

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

33. OMG it's NED FLANDERS!!! (nt)

[Arkana]

37. LOL!

Awesome!

"How ya diddly-doin', neighborino?"

[tjwash]

40. He was described by the neighbors as "quiet", and "kept to himself"

Who knew he had all those bodies buried in his back yard?

[MichaelHarris]

43. Da plane boss

da plane

[Carni]

46. I think his photo was on another thread in the lounge the other night...

Pertinent to the sea creatures washed on shore by the Tsunami lol

[Bertha Venation]

34. they take offense at actions "to control others?" with absolutely no sense

of irony? LOL

[KurtNYC]

39. All kinds of stuff shows up on their offenses list

man in tub
lies to sway a relationship
willingness to lie not even lying? just being willing to
facial piercings
punk dress
reckless driving
flatulence

[Bertha Venation]

41. Christians don't fart? Or don't laugh at times when they fart? Not even

in embarrassment?

GAWD. I do remember how repressed I was... Yes, I guess I have to admit, I was this repressed. Sad.

[Pawel K]

38. n/m

[trogdor]

42. Step one: Discourage critical thinking in children.

Step two: Complain about movies that contain scenes for which critical thinking might provide moral immunity.
Step three: PROFIT!!!!

[SweetLeftFoot]

44. Austin Powers

the review is gold.

[gollygee]

47. "One more quick one -- Dr. Evil sensually sucked his little finger."

HAHAHAHAHA

[SweetLeftFoot]

48. That was the line

that got me too ...

[sarcasmo]

49. I find the fear of Harry Potter just to funny.

Being an Atheists this is where the brain washing of sheep shines through. Think about it, if you are a self thinking individual you wouldn't not fear a fictitious being such as Harry Potter, or God.

[GreenPartyVoter]

50. These kinds of Christians take

"set apart from the world" a little too seriously.

-------------------------------------
Would Jesus love a liberal? You bet!
http://timeforachange.bluelemur.com/