WASHINGTON, D.C. – The White House today announced that more than $500,000,000,000 will be "borrowed" from the Social Security fund to help host the second inauguration of President George W. Bush. White House sources cite numerous reasons for the hefty loan.
"Each guest gift bag includes certificates for a case of Krug's Clos du Mesnil champagne ($400 per bottle), a custom Lear jet, and –for the really big campaign contributors— their own personal islands in non-tsunami threatened areas," said Dr. Condoleeza Rice, the president's chief inaugural planner. "Plus, the table favors of bejeweled Tiffany tiaras for women and Patek Philippe diamond-encrusted platinum watches for men – well, unlike computer votes, those don't cost a dime a dozen!"
Rice went on to explain that Bush is "never a cheapskate" when it comes to rewarding friends and co-workers for their political loyalty, and she proudly showed reporters her own watch, a clunky Timex gold-toned Indiglo and recent Christmas gift from President Bush. Removing it briefly, she read for reporters the personal inscription on the back: "You can't get good help these days? Oh, yes, you can! Love, Bushie."
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