So she cheated on me.

[salinen]

My sister-in-law told me last week. She did it in july '03. When she came back from a trip things were wierd. I thought it was me. So my solution was to become super mega husband. She remained cool and distant and moved out.

I said we should probably get a divorce. She said no. That she wanted us to date and eventually live together again. We had fun but something was still off.

So I find out. I AM FUCKING ANGRY. So I call her Mother and tell her that her daughter is never not stoned, and that's probably the reason why she's unkind to both of us.

So yesterday we take a walk. I tell her I love her and miss her and that I know. We'll she's pissed. I have no business being angry because she has punished herself for it already. Then I tell her about my conversation with her Mother. Now she's red hot. "How can I ever trust you again"? she's fuming.

WTF is the matter with me? I know I'm describing the Godzilla of super mega she-bitches. But I love her still. I know, get professional help. I knew you'd say that.

[fertilizeonarbusto]

1. I agree with your last sentence

And get her out of your life before she drives you broke/insane/to your grave.
Hang in there, I've been there and it's not forever, believe me. :hug:

[blueknight]

4. get rid of

her cheating ass, once a cheater, always a cheater. there are a lot of nice,decent,ladies out there that wont cheat

[salinen]

11. Done.

[Midlodemocrat]

2. And get checked for STDs, pronto.

[MissMillie]

3. Is your self-esteem so low

that you would want to stay with someone who treats you so badly?

[salinen]

9. I don't think so.

Our early years of marrage and dating were magic. She was the sweetest person, fun, and I loved her powerfully. If I can stop remembering how absolutely happy we were once upon a time, and see her in the present, I'll do the right thing.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

5. "I know I'm describing the Godzilla of super mega she-bitches."

You're halfway there. Now you have to accept that just because you love her doesn't mean she's right/good for you.

[sui generis]

6. there's definitely one thing that ticks me off

when someone says they've punished themselves enough over it that you shouldn't be on them too.

I think I could live with a discretion - but I would have a much harder time living with a person immature enough to not acknowledge that the world is bigger than they are.

If she's angry at you for being hurt - that's your sign to get the hell away from her. Your "love" is a one-way affair. She's just keeping you around as a security blanket in case, and until, she finds something better than you. Cut the cords now, because there is probably someone better out there for you than she is, or at least, at her level of maturity today.

[salinen]

15. If I were less of a gentleman....

I am nothing more than a security blanket is right. Getting the scissors out as we speak.

[cleofus1]

7. so is she a babe?

love is a many splendored thing
but love sometimes make a fool of you
so get back get back get back to where you once belonged
just don't say you don't remember

[notadmblnd]

8. looks like she's done a pretty good job of turning the tables on you

you can't be trusted bucause she cheated? If your self esteem is so low that you are willing to accept her argument, then perhaps you should seek professional help.

Personally, I would cut all contact with her and show her what a good thing she has lost.

[salinen]

16. Contact is cut.

Fuck her.

[notadmblnd]

22. good for you.

if you need some one to talk to, we're here for ya.

[salinen]

28. You won't cheat on me?

[notadmblnd]

34. if you ask me.. it's just too much work

planning.. sneaking off.. lying... remembering your lies. No baby, I wont cheat.

[elehhhhna]

10. so see a counselor--and bring her along if possible.

Whatever advice you'd give your own child in the same situation, give yourself--than take it.

Sometimes when you're down on yourself, it helps to think of someone you love in the same situation. The next step becomes clear.

[Heidi]

12. So . . .

I don't blame you for being angry; that's a natural reaction. But it sounds like there's plenty of meanness to go around in that family. Your sister-in-law told you something knowing that it would clearly hurt you; in anger, you called your mother-in-law and narced out your wife for being a stoner, knowing it would clearly hurt both your wife and your mother-in-law; and your wife is guilting you to death for being angry with her.

Save yourself. The other adults are responsible for their own souls.

[salinen]

21. Right.

My sister-in-law couldn't stand to see me suffering any longer and knew it would hurt but be the beginning of the end. I narced her out from anger, but her Mother was rather relieved to have an answer to why her daughter was such a bitch.

I'm done.

[Heidi]

47. I'm not saying you're wrong . . .

I was married for 11 years to a man who sounds a great deal like your wife. His children, whom I was helping to raise in the absence of their mother who had remarried and preferred a new life without children, were what kept me in such a nutty, deceitful (and I might add, extreme rightwing Christian) family for so long. Too, I wanted to make sure that I wasn't leaving him out out of anger, since anger passes.

I apologize for the long explanation, but in the end, I left in order to safe myself. And I don't think that's wrong.

[johnnie]

13. How long have you been married?

I'm just curious. I know that what you are going through sucks, but I would be looking for a way out. It hurts now and it will hurt next time also.
This is why I stay single. It is too much of a hassle to love someone like that.
I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I know how you feel.

[ernstbass]

19. Amen to the staying single!

[salinen]

23. 8 years

Single sounds good.

[johnnie]

29. There are a lot of good things about it

Kicking off your shoes and picking them up when YOU want to, having the whole bed and not having bony knees stabbing you in the back all night, jumping on a plane and go anywhere any time without needing the OK, not getting a ration of shit because you put a towel on the wrong rack (or some other trivial thing that doesn't really matter) and so many other things that make life a little easier and less stressful.
I am really sorry though. Eight years is a bit of a long time, but by no means is it the end of the world. I have many friends that went a few years and their marriage ended and they are doing fine.
Good luck to you and take care.

[salinen]

33. Thanks John

I feel like a worthless sack of shit, but with a bright future.

[Bouncy Ball]

14. She sounds emotionally manipulative.

Get away. Get far far far far far away. Seriously, I'm not kidding. People who are emotionally manipulative are BAD news.

Counseling. I'm so sorry, sweetie.

[salinen]

24. Thanks Bouncy

I'm sick of crying.

[ernstbass]

17. It happens to the best of us

but I think you are letting your wife's conduct effect your views on pot.

[salinen]

26. See

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=104x2977563

[sniffa]

18. revenge is great for getting back at peopLe

vengence is good too. whiLe you're at it, why not show her mother those naughty pics you took of her.

[fertilizeonarbusto]

25. HAHAHAHAHAHA

I like your style.

[salinen]

27. Thanks sniffa

In a sick way, revenge feels good. But it's base and I'm done.

[Rowdyboy]

20. What unmitigated gall! She's mad at YOU for being angry?

She's punished herself enough?

How can SHE ever trust YOU again? ROTFLMAO

This woman has balls of brass! Thats incredible. Ditch her. Your life will be immeasureably better.

[salinen]

31. Bitch be ditched

I should post a picture of her as a public service.

[LiberalEsto]

30. Please check out Nar-Anon

You wrote that your wife is never not stoned.

To me, that is a substance abuse problem. When someone in a family has a substance abuse (SA) problem, every member of that family has a problem. I know from experience; SA affected both my mother and brother. I went to 2 NA meetings, read their material and a couple of books, and it changed my life for the better.

Nar-Anon is for family members of people with SA problems. It teaches you techniques for reacting effectively to the person with SA, in such a way that you do not "enable" the sickness or permit yourself to be hurt.

Whether this marriage continues or not, you owe it to your own future happiness to go to at least one meeting, read a piece of their literature, and perhaps make some changes so that you do not end up in another relationship with a substance abuser.

You can Google for a Nar Anon group in your area, but if there isn't one, try Al-Anon.

Best wishes for future happiness!

[salinen]

32. Wonderful advice.

I was so enabling that I'd buy it for her because it made no difference, she'd get it anyway. I'll google it today.

Thank you

[LiberalEsto]

35. the address for NA is...

http://www.naranon.com/


good luck!

[Modem Butterfly]

36. What a head trip!

:grr:

She has some nerve, talking about trust when she fucking cheated on you! Not only did she compromise your relationship, she could very well have compromised your health.

Of course you still love her. BUT YOU DESERVE BETTER! You do! Even if you don't believe me right now, you still deserve better. What she's doing to you is nothing but straight up, emotional abuse. You don't have to take it. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[salinen]

37. I'm such a mess

And I am getting out. Thanks for the figurative slap. I need it.

[Modem Butterfly]

38. Anytime! Remember, we're all pulling for you

:grouphug:

[LiberalEsto]

39. Doesn't that sound like Rethuglican behavior?

"She has some nerve, talking about trust when she fucking cheated on you!"

The Rethugs cheat on you. Steal from you. Send your jobs overseas. "Fix" your elections. Start wars that benefit only war profiteers. Shut down your social programs.

Then they turn around and tell you all the problems we have in this country are YOUR fault -- the fault of the Democrats/liberals/progressives.

just a thought

[salinen]

45. That's interesting

She just may be a thug and thinks she's not. Self obsessed, rude, liar, taker, yep, she's a thug.

[Balbus]

40. I've been fortunate enought in life so far...

That I have not lost anyone close to me so I have experienced no greater pain than to find out one that you love so dearly has betrayed you. I truly feel for you and can only offer you the words that time heals most everything. Good luck to you.

[salinen]

46. Thanks Bal

[fluffernutter]

41. maybe you are just in love with love. and

your being married is comfortable for you. but she is hurting you, and you don't deserve that. she obviously only cares about herself because if she really cared about you she wouldn't turn it all back on you the way she does.

i know how much it hurts, and that it's not easy - you will grieve for your dreams of what you thought your future together was supposed to be. :hug: but you need to be strong and think about YOU first for a while.

hang in there. positive thoughts to you.

[salinen]

48. That's right

I lost my future plans, my wife, my love, my best friend. I'll get new ones.

[Feathered Fish]

42. That's tough.

I am not going to offer advice, because I am sure that others will. All I can say is :hug: and take care.

[Shopaholic]

44. You deserve better

She's a stoner, she's a cheater, and a liar. What more proof do you need? You need to get therapy to get over being cheated on and lied to and from her hostile and unhealthy behavior toward you and her own family over the past 8 years. You also need therapy to figure out why you were willing to settle for that in a relationship. Until you do that, you're probably going to have problems in future relationships. Therapy is very effective in giving you the push to move forward for your life and figuring out why you made the decisions you did in your past while enabling you to cope with the present. I highly recommend it!

I was in a relationship for 7 years and I too wanted desperately to cling to the memories of how good and sweet and wonderful it was in those early years. But I knew that it had evolved into something that was totally unhealthy for me so on my therapist's advice, I created a long list of all the crappy things he'd done to me or the ways in which he'd hurt me over those 7 years. Every time I felt like forgiving him or yearned to be back together with him, I'd whip that list out and take a long look at it. It cured me.

I realized that I got so used to being miserable in my personal life that I was almost as unequally unhappy in my professional life. I was in a job that I hated and a relationship that had become oppressive. I turned into someone that I didn't even recognize anymore. I got rid of him, changed jobs (actually careers) and now five years on, I make three times what I did then, have a job that I love and adore, and am dating in a healthier and happier way with better guys!

Good luck and remember that your Democratic brothers and sisters are always here for you!:grouphug:

[salinen]

51. I going to start that list

today!

Thanks Shop

[salinen]

49. Thanks Fish

[GreenPartyVoter]

43. I cheated on my fiance in college a couple of times, and when he found out

he waited for me to grow up and get my head straight and married me anyway.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that some relationships can recover from this. It's up to the two of you to decide if it's worth it.

[smbolisnch]

50. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

I'm sorry though, that must be really tough. You will do the right thing, I'm sure. In the meantime, :hug:.

[salinen]

53. Thanks smb

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

52. Of course she's mad at you. She perpetrated against you.

Her choices are to be angry at herself or angry at you. You are a much more convenient target. Yes, get whatever support you need to be done with her and move on. It isn't as though she came clean with you and told you... her sister did.

[salinen]

54. More good clean sane sound

words from NSMA. You're so predictable.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

56. LOL...hate to see you get messed with

[MissB]

55. There are plenty of reasons why I wouldn't go back in that situation

But they are my reasons, not yours. Only you can make the decision.

Good luck.

[gollygee]

57. Bad news

I'd stay away from her. I know it hurts but she's playing emotional games with you. You have no business being angry that she cheated? Uh, nope, wrong answer.

Yeah counselling will help. And time.

:hug:

[TXlib]

58. Apologize to her for calling her mother

I assume you did that out of anger.

Apologizing for calling her mother will throw her a conciliatory bone. Then suggest you both go to marriage counselling.

Even if she won't go, I highly recommend you do. A member of this board much wiser than I once said that doing so, even alone, will help you avoid the pervasive, and off-putting, bitterness very common to recently-divorced men, should things go that far south.

Is she really always stoned? Does she have a substance abuse problem?

Go ahead and vent to us. Get your anger out. Try not to be angry around her; it will only put her on the defensive. When talking to her about this, you should probably focus on how much she hurt you, rather than how angry you are at her.

I also recommend you both read this book:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0809225131/qid=1106239783/sr=8-1/ref=pd_ka_1/104-4042260-1105556?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

It might be good to discuss this book with your marriage counselor, as well.

You're (both) also likely to be suffering depression as a result, and that can make you do things you'll later regret.

[TXlib]

60. Don't be too hasty

I read some of your responses where you said the cords are cut.

Please don't do anything irrevocable; separate amicably, and if she's unhappy about it, let her know you are willing to go to marriage counselling with her to decide if there is anything left to save.

Get your anger out with us, and with your Real Life friends, but don't say anything to her you can't later retract. Whether you stay or leave, this will help you out later.

[salinen]

61. Thanks TX

there is no reconciliation now. But I am going to seek counseling.

[TXlib]

66. How are you so sure there's no reconciliation?

Your initial post was only this morning. I'm sure the shock of the news is still only just setting in.

Even if you think you're *certain* there's no reconciliation, please don't do anything that burns bridges. You need time to think and reflect, and decide what is important. It would suck if, after that, you decided you wanted to reconcile, but couldn't because you had done/said things that made it impossible.

Even if you discount the possibility of reconciliation, the separation and divorce will go much more cleanly if you do your best to keep it amicable, even if she tries not to let it be so.

The book I suggested will help you there, too.

[Mizmoon]

59. With respect, she's pissed cause you won't take a hint

When your lover moves out, s/he is telling you something... like "I don't want to live with you anymore." That should have been your big clue.

Don't feel bad. There isn't a human whose life is worth living who hasn't been kicked in the teeth by love. Just know it's time to move on.

Please don't become one of those tedious "I can't love anymore cause I was hurt" people either. Love is one of life's joys when it's going right ... you'll find it with a nicer chick one day :)

[salinen]

62. Yeah Duh!

I guess I like the taste of shoe.

[slackmaster]

63. My advice is to hit the silk immediately

Cut your losses. Recover as much of your life as you can.

Ditch her immediately. Nobody and no relationship is worth putting up with that kind of crap.

[liberalitch]

64. I still hate my ex for talking to my mom about my being a pothead...

She knew.... but didn't and doesn't need to have it rubbed in.
She is very liberal but she doesn't agree with my casual regard for pot laws.
So in short.... sorry to say.... you suck!

[msgadget]

65. Strong personalities are very engaging and once you're drawn in

the promise of a better person sorta glues you to the bad place.

A little talk therapy, try something new and I'll bet good things start to fall on you.

[bloodyjack]

67. D-I-V-O-R-C-E

and subsequently, E-X-C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N

[LynzM]

68. That sucks, dude.

:hug: No great advice here, since I'm not in your shoes. Counseling sounds like a good plan, though. Good luck to you in finding a healthier and happier self :hug:

[NoStinkinBadges]

69. Sorry to hear about your situation.

Having been through something similar years ago I can say one thing for sure---You will get over it.

It takes some time and if you feel it is necessary do get some professional help.

Stay away from booze and drugs. They will only prolong your pain.

I realize it's hard to see this now but you will be a better person when this is all over.