Cheer me up, please, I'm in a "tired of being single" mood!

[liberalhistorian]

As many of you already know, I'm a 38-year-old never-married single mother who's certainly had my share of freeper dates.

Normally, I'm not at all bothered by my single status, in fact, I enjoy it. I'm sure I'd enjoy it even more if I were truly single, instead of being a single parent (though I can't imagine my life without my 12-year-old son). I joke with my friends that I already have one little boy to take care of, a joke my married friends in particular seem to appreciate. You can have a full, active, rewarding life even if you're not married and, in some respects, even more so if you're single. That whole image of singles moping around, doing nothing but waiting for "the right one" and not being happy or fulfilled until they find him or her is, frankly, mostly bullshit. Actually, the more active and involved you are, the more likely you are to find "the one", and the more attractive you'll be to them.

I grew up an only child, which means that I got used to spending hours alone each day, and enjoyed it. I still do, if I don't get a certain amount of time alone each week I'll go nuts. I think that's a large part of why I usually don't mind being single, I've seen what people usually have to give up when they're married. And there's a lot that I probably wouldn't be able to do if I were married.

While I don't mind, and even enjoy, being single most of the time, it comes in cycles. And right now I'm in a major, "I'm lonely and tired of being single and alone" down cycle. I hate it when that happens, because it seems then that everyone else is married/engaged/involved and happy, and I'm the lone third wheel. Even though I know in my head that that's not usually the case, emotionally that's what it feels like. My boss has a great marriage (he'll soon celebrate his 28th anniversary) and I was just watching them together today. When they got married, he was 25 and she was 51, which meant they had to weather a lot of shit together and came out even stronger for it.

I live with my mom and stepdad, who just celebrated their 35th anniversary, and they're usually affectionate and loving. Most of my friends, some of them former single parents, also have good marriages. This summer, the majority of the original members of the single parent group at my church, that I started attending nine years ago, got married. A family friend's daughter, whom I used to babysit 22 years ago, is getting married next week and I attended her shower last weekend.

So I think that's where a lot of this is coming from right now, the down cycles are usually caused by things like this. But this one seems even worse than usual, maybe because my 39th birthday is in a couple of months (Jan. 3), and I'm nowhere near the position in life I thought I'd be in at this time. And I never thought I'd be this age and never married. I'm tired of feeling lonely and being alone, of going to bed alone and waking up alone and having to deal with everything alone. I'm tired of feeling like there's something wrong with me because women who seem a lot bitchier and who nag and control, or who are airheads never seem to lack for male "companionship." And I'm especially tired of the same old worn-out platitudes from married people who mean well but who don't realize how annoying their cliches really are. Let's face it, this really is a couples-oriented society, and that can sometimes get overwhelming for those of us who aren't "coupled."

I'm one of those old-fashioned romantics who not only likes the sappy, hokey stuff like candlelight dinners and flowers and walks on the beach, but who believes strongly in fidelity, forgiveness, trust, and working through problems and weathering bad times together, as well as sharing the good (no, I'm not a naive romance novelist, honest!) That's one of the major reasons why it's always hard for me to deal with these down cycles, because it really hits me what I'm missing. Like I told you, I HATE these down cycles.

Anyway, sorry for the long-winded, depressing post! I think of DU as my second family, and I just needed to unload a little. Thanks for listening!

[DuctapeFatwa]

1. You have to go through a lot of wrong ones to get to the right one

And when you do, and you will, it is worth a gazillion times as long as you will have waited!

[Brucey]

2. Happy to listen.

Wish I could do something besides listen. I guess I can say that I've been there, and things did get better... so I believe things will get better for you. I hope they do. Know that you have lots of supporters and Web-friends here at DU. We're on your side.

[liberalhistorian]

6. Thanks, I appreciate it!

That's what I love about DU, I really do feel like it's my second family.

[prolesunited]

3. Pick up this month's issue

of Harper's. In the "Readings" section there's a list of pitfalls of being part of a couple. Read it. It will make you feel better.

You'll still have lots of problems if you are part of a couple. They'll just be different ones.

Hope you feel better soon! :-)

[liberalhistorian]

8. Oh, I'm more than aware that

married couples (and even unmarried couples) have their fair share of problems, and that it's not all peaches and cream and milk and honey. That's one of the reasons why I hate going through these down times, since I know that things don't magically change just because you're part of a couple.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

4. Don't sweat it.

I know where you are coming from. I have no family, save one very dysfunctional, alcoholic brother(whom I never hear from...). I, too, am single. And struggling in this economy. Christmas is often the worst part of the year for me.

Don't sweat it. You are allowed to vent.

[liberalhistorian]

14. I sure hear ya about Christmas,

I love Christmas but I'm the only cousin who's still single, even the ones in their 20's are married or engaged and I inevitably get either the "sympathetic looks", or the semi-good-natured third degree about why I'm still single. Like I can't have a life or I'm not a whole person if I'm not married or with someone! The focus is all on my marital status, no one seems too interested in what's going on in my life, what I'm involved with, etc.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

21. Yeah, but...

When i get that, I just chuckle. I am sanguine regarding about where my life is, right now. If I am supposed to be alone, I will. If I am supposed to meet someone, I will. In the meantime, I shal live my life to the best of my ability. Trying to make others understand that I am not in mortal agony is a waste of my time and theirs.

Do what you do. Be what you are. Everything else will take care of itself.

[Democrats unite]

5. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better but

Know you knight in shining armour is out there and you will find him.

[flamingyouth]

I think you're very interesting

Of course, I'm a married woman, but still. You're very intelligent an all of these other folks are right, you'll find that cool and right person eventually. I really believe it.

Here's a <hug> from me - yeah, I know you don't know me, but I love Judging Amy and all, so please don't be too freaked out - LOL. ;-)

[liberalhistorian]

15. Thanks for the hug and the encouragement,

FY, I could sure use both!

[pink_poodle]

7. Yup. Join the lonely hearts club. So what I do is I ................

put on some really happening music like Rammstein - loud with a great beat - and jump around. It's very calming. But it would be more fun to have someone to get all sweaty with. sigh.

[liberalhistorian]

11. LOL, I hear ya!

I love listening to music too, it's like a natural high with a calming, soothing effect. Except when I hear slow dances and am dancing with myself!

[madaboutharry]

9. I knew it was going to be o.k.

because I married my best friend. Romance is fine, but they have to be your best friend. Remember that. It is the friendship that lasts. Find a friend, and everything else may fall into place. Have a good weekend, liberalhistorian.

[papau]

10. Widows I know that remarry seem to find person at Church, other activity

Seems they turn on some signal and in a year they are paired again. Those who are not sure they want to share their quiet time date a few losers - and then retire to their same sex friends activities.

I only watch - I have no clue how to make anything happen.

All I can give you is DU hug - and a wish that things get better for you.

Hang in there!

and love and hugs! :-)

[madmax]

12. When you give up - it'll happen.

I was a single Mom with a 12 y.o. I thought Prince Charming died and they shot the horse. Then one night I hit a car in front of me that was stopped at a red light. Just a little fender bender - tap.

Six months later we were married. December will mark our 21st anniversary.

He's out there - get in your car and go for a ride ;)

[liberalhistorian]

17. LOL!

I just paid up my car insurance, so maybe I'll do that! That is definitely one of the more interesting "how we met" stories I've heard.

[madmax]

23. Hugs to you liberalhistorian

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

[liberalhistorian]

25. Thanks, MM!

n/t

[prolesunited]

18. Oh, that's the secret then!

We need to get into our cars and ram good-looking men. Could get expensive, but I'm game. ;-)

[leftist_rebel1569]

13. I empathize, I really do

I really, really...REALLY have come to despise that feeling. Because i've been feeling it for the last 4 or 5 months. It's been an underlying cause of all my emotional problems for that same amount of time. I'm one of the types that's hopelessly romantic, and at the same time a teenager (two things that don't mesh too well). Anyways, all I can really say is that I hope your Mr. Right comes along sometime soon and I hope the loneliness goes away.

:hug: good luck liberalhistorian!

[E_Zapata]

16. there's a whole slew of soon to be divorced single dads coming around

If you look at divorce rates and your age range, keep an eye out for a nice guy who is divorced and has kids and think of the possibilities of family-building that may be on the horizon.

You are like in the second swing shift for those looking to get married. The first...around age 28; and now at 38.

so now your boss' wife is 70 and he is 53? Isn't that kind of like he's seeing a parent off to the final passage or something? I am sorry, I don't understand and age difference quite like that -- not in the later seasons. I mean, is he out looking for a new canoe for him and a walker for her? I don't get it. And I wouldn't sign up for it.

[liberalhistorian]

20. Actually, she just turned 79.

She had a stroke a few years ago, and her health's (mental as well as physical) been declining ever since. For him, it's more like taking care of a parent than being truly married. And he recently confided to me that he "hasn't had any since her stroke" (like I really needed to know that, lol!) But he loves her dearly, and fusses over her, even when she drives him crazy, which is most of the time. I think that's one of the things that's set me off, I wondered what it would be like to have someone love ME like that, that no matter what I did or said or what happened to me physically or mentally they would still love me and stick with me.

[ant]

32. heh

I always think that even if I don't meet someone in my 20s/30s I'm sure I can pick up a nice divorcee in round two during my 40s/50s. ;)

[populistmom]

19. I am in a totally different situation.

Married young and for a long time to someone who loves me and is a good man, but saying to myself lately, "How did I get from point A to point B?" As well as, "My youth is gone and I missed it."

A long time ago, someone told me that things change in life and you trade one set of positives and negatives for new sets of positives and negatives. I don't pretend to know anything anymore, but I think things get better in one's life when you aren't afraid to pursue the things you dream of. Maybe not all at once, but little things and little steps at a time to move forward and frequently, I find even at times in which I think I failed, I learned something along the way. It sounds trite, but without the bad stuff along the way, I wouldn't be the me I am today which generally, I feel pretty comfortable with overall.

[liberalhistorian]

22. I know what you mean, and I don't think

it's at all trite. And I also understand about being married young. I think it's a lot harder, because there's so much you never really get to do. And you do tend to change a lot between 20 and 40. A divorce lawyer once said that he knew how to cut the divorce rate by two-thirds, except that there was no way to put it into law. He said that women shouldn't be married before they're 30, and men shouldn't be married before they're 40, and that would cut the divorce rate dramatically. I think there's some truth to that.

[ScreamingMeemie]

24. Just this week I got in a horrendous (I'm leaving you) fight with my

husband over....housework. Yes, we managed to turn a simple disagreement into a huge, almost deal breaking argument. Somedays it feels as if too many concessions have to be made, on both our parts. Then I think back to my single days, even dirt poor with a daughter, and they seem so much sweeter. I guess this is a round about way of saying the grass is always greener. If I were to be realistic, the old way of life was awful, as this one can be. I guess it's my job to make the best of it.

side note- I have a really awesome brother (38) in the LA area. wink wink. Been trying to get him married off for years. : )

[liberalhistorian]

29. Well, I'm sure your brother is

awesome, but I live near Cleveland, 3,000 miles away, so that might be just a tad bit too far for him, lol!

[ScreamingMeemie]

33. ....but that's pretty darned close to Detroit...and he does come home

once in awhile. ; )

[liberalhistorian]

36. That's true, I'm only a few hours away from Detroit,

and Toledo is my second city, since most of my family lives there.

[Kenneth ken]

26. ((((( HUGS )))))

45 yo never-married male (no kids, though)

I think I can closely relate to how you're feeling.

joke:

why don't chickens have lips?

because they never kiss each other.

why don't chickens kiss each other?

because they have fowl breath!

that's the only joke I've ever made up mself (and I rarely remember jokes, so I had to give you that one.)

[liberalhistorian]

30. Hey, that's not bad!

Now that's one of the major things I like in a man, a sense of humor!

[happyslug]

27. I'm 45 and never married.

The best way for me to pick you up is to pick you up for a date, but you live in Painesville Ohio and that is to far for me to travel (I live in Johnstown Pa).

As to why I am single, I grew up in a family of ten, I always brake my Parent's family into three groups, the eldest three, the middle three and the last four. As the eldest of the last four I had the honor of watching the next three. No reason other than someone had to do it... By my pre-teen years the eldest three had moved away and the next three had their own agenda so I ended up taking responsibility for my next three siblings. To young for such responsibilities.

My Father suffered from Untreated Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (He was a WWII Combat Vet), didn't really hit him till the early 1960s as he lost his 25 acre farm (He went into a deep depressions over that and his PTSS really hit. One of the factor for the three grouping is how depressed he was. For the first three almost no depression, the next three was as he purchased his farm almost the height of his life for a farm was a life long dream of his, and the last four as he lost the farm).

While he was losing his farm, that when I and my next four siblings were born. I ended up taking responsibility for them given my father’s growing depression (he stayed employed during this time period, but had a auto accident that laid him up for six weeks, six weeks without income on a farm he barely was able to make the monthly mortgage on BEFORE the accident. That lost of income lead to Bankruptcy and the lost of his farm. Remember this was 1964 before the changes in the bankruptcy act in 1976 that would have permitted him to keep his farm.)

That lost hurt him and threw him into a depression, he kept on working but he was drunk every night. I can NOT remember him sober at home (other than on Sunday picnics which we would go on) till I was in College. Even than it took him another four years to quit drinking completely. Thus when I came of Age someone had to take responsibility. My father couldn't. As to my mother, I love her dearly, but since I am now 45 I can see that she suffered from being an abused child (Physically and Psychological abuse) and as such incapable of taking responsibility for anything. I once discussed this with my nine year older sister and she agreed, neither one of us ever saw her take responsibility for anything (right down to NOT signing our report cards when we were in school. I remember the dilemma to this day, the card had to be sign by a parent, my father was drunk trying to self medicate his depression and PTSS and my Mother used every excuse NOT to avoid signing. That is why almost everyone of those cards were signed by my older sister or I, someone had to do it).

Given that background people tend to be super careful and reserved (Which is what I was doing High School, College and law School) so I dated infrequently (If you do not socialized how can you meet someone to date?) and thus am single to this day. I get tried of it also so I tried to socialize but by now every woman I meet is generally married.

I hope I did not bore you with my story, I have to explain to myself why I rarely dated when I was younger and avoided social situations (When growing up the last thing I wanted was to have friends over to see my father drunk and my parents fighting). It was a handicap that has taken me many years to overcome, I am slowly doing it, meeting more and more people (One of the reason I do DU comments, I can do things like this and NOT have to worry about actually have any of my fellow Duers meets me or my family).

I can not complain to much, my father kept on working his whole life and tried his best to help his family (given his depression and PTSS). My mother loved all of her children and still does (Through she still does not take responsibility for anything, my younger sisters live with her and takes care of her house for her).

But back to you, I would take you out but you are to far away, I would NOT discuss the above for it is a downer, I prefer to talk about what we do discus in DU, Bush and his fellow thieves. Life is to short to dwell on past mistakes, you have to deal with them as I did above, but do not dwell on them. Get on with your life AND look at the good parts of it, you said you are a single mother and hopefully your child is in good health and doing good in school. I hope you are doing good at work (if you are working). I hope you have hobbies that interest you (including DU). Those are what yu have to dwell on, the good things in life.

[liberalhistorian]

35. No, you didn't bore me at all,

and I appreciate your sharing your story. Johnstown, btw, is a very interesting city; I have a friend that's lived in Cleveland for 20 years but he grew up in Johnstown and we went there a couple of times. It's about 2 1/2 hours from here.

I think you're right in that your family background has a lot to do with your situation as an adult. People who've grown up in happy families seem to have a lot more trouble understanding that. My stepdad was an alcoholic when I was growing up, verbally and physically abusive. He's totally different now, but my screwed-up relationship with him and what I dealt with while growing up has really had an affect on my adult relationships with men.

And, as a paralegal, I know exactly what you mean about law school and lawyers, many of the lawyers I deal with are in the same social situation, even if they're married, which most of them are. I think law school tends to change people socially, my boss, a solo practicioner, has often said that and I've seen it myself. It's one of the reasons why I'm not so sure I want to go to law school.

[happyslug]

42. Drunk are rough

My father was one of the nicest person you ever worked with when he was sober (and I did so on many occasions) but when he was drinking (which was more often than not) he was terrible to live with.

In my dotage I lean to prohibition, not because I think it would work, but that it would at least slow down some people. My only fear is the that prohibition will only bring about another crime wave like in the 1920s and the present war on drugs.

I would prefer all alcohol and drugs be sold through something like the Pennsylvania state store system, where Civil Servants are selling the items. Unlike retail clerks in privately own stores (who are at-will employees, i.e. can be fired for any reason or no reason by their employers), Civil Servants know they can keep their jobs almost forever (Civil Servants can only lose their jobs for cause, and the burden is on their employer's not the employees to show the cause). Thus less pressure can be put on the sales clerk to make illegal sales (i.e. to minors and visibly impaired people). Pennsylvania sells its hard liquor through such state owned liquor stores but beer is sold by privately owned distributors. This shows the difference, teenagers and other pre-21 drinkers almost always drink Beer NOT hard liquor, for the private distributors want to make an sale they can, Civil Servants prefer to keep their jobs.

The above may not stop all of the abuse of alcohol, but at least would reduce some of it without the costs in incurred by society when country’s criminal element move in to provide the alcohol and/or drugs.

[Pikku]

45. I grew up in Painesville!

Hi liberalhistorian! :hi:

[ant]

28. I'm right there with you

I'm 28, and I know exactly what you mean, especially about the cycles. I've actually been on an up for most of the summer, despite all the friends' weddings I've had to attend as the lone single, but there must be something in the air 'cause I hit a low this past week for some reason. I think it comes when the seasons change. Anyway, not much to offer except an "I understand."

Not sure if it's your thing, but one thing I like to do when I get down on the singles thing is put up a personal ad and go on a string of dates. Even if nothing comes of it, it usually gets me out of my regular social routine and I get to have that excitement of possibility, even if just for a short while. I think I've read before that you have a hard time meeting progressives in your area, though, so this may be something you've already tried and had no luck with.

Anyway, just know you're not the only one!

[VOX]

31. First marriage ended in 1975. Didn't remarry until 2000!

25 years beetween marriages was enough time off, I think. I've lived many, many of those long nights, too, lh. But I also desperately value my alone time, and that's respected now. I only mention all this to let you know that there are honest, funny, intelligent, presentable men out there who are walking the same walk that you are right now. It's only a matter of time before your path intersects with someone "click-worthy," if and when you'e so inclined.

Please don't fall into the trap of measuring yourself against others -- you'll always come up short -- that's how that game works.

Keep hanging in -- I've been there, by fate and by choice, and I know how deeply it can cut sometimes.

All best to you -- :toast:

[SmileyBoy]

34. My ex-girlfriend broke my heart the Monday after Valentine's Day.

I know how you feel. I still get nervous talking to girls after that day eight months ago.

[liberalhistorian]

37. Yikes!

That was incredibly insensitive timing on her part! Hope you're starting to feel better, I know it sucks!

[sendero]

38. Hey..

.. I know how you feel. Seven years ago, my marriage (ll years) ended suddenly with no warning. (Well, there was warning, but i did not see it. We were just not right for each other, and she decided to get out. We had two kids and I was pretty angry that we'd never really talked about our problems, but there you go).

I *wanted* to have a "mate". I can be alone, and I have, but I much prefer not to be. I set out to find another woman, and made it my top priority. I work at home, and meeting people was not easy, but I did it anyway. I dated my banker, a woman from the gym, and many others. I used online services to meet women. I met women I found I had little in common with, and women who were fantastic in every way but with issues that would prevent a permanent relationship.

Then I read a classified personal online that really grabbed me. She talked about music, and dragonflies, and nature and.... I was intrigued. I met her. We moved in. We are married and there is no question she is my "soul mate". We have been ecstatically happy for six years and will be forever, no matter what happens.

If you want to be with someone, KNOW that there is someone who wants to be with you. They are waiting for you to find them and when you do it will be worth the wait.

Make it your priority to find someone. There is someone out there who will make you happy and you will make them too. Don't wait, take action. Life is short, go for what really matters, you can find it, you can have it! And meanwhile, live in the hope and knowledge that what you really want and apply your energy to will happen. It is nature's law!

[culoclown]

39. As my sweet granny used to say God love ya, darlin', it's

gonna be all right and it really will be. Your man is most definitely out there just waiting for you. Every single mother or father for that matter out there has felt exactly the same way you do now, and it is different than single loneliness because you've got to be strong for your son. I don't know you but my heart goes out to you.

[Djinn]

40. Grass is always greener

Before my current relationship I'd been single for ages and it seemed like I was the only one most of the time.
Strangely now I feel like I'm the only one who can't enjoy singledom, there's a lot that I miss. Even in the best relationship there are moments when you wish you could make decisions just for yourself.

A few things I miss:

* totally guilt free flirting
* taking holidays exactly when and where you want (prob a bit harder with kids but you can always pull the "because I said so" clause with kids it doesn't work so well on significant others
* only having to clean up my OWN mess (prob more relevant to single woman then men - generally)
* not having to pretend to like someone elses friends/relatives
* less pressies to buy at birthday/christmas etc
* a dull party can be livened up with the appearance of someone snoggable
* toilet seat stays down
* staying out all night without reporting ones whereabouts

and this is what I miss when with a decent partner change it to a "making do" partner which more people than will admit to are doing and the list gets a lot longer

[LanternWaste]

41. I've noticed that....

I've noticed that, "God, please get me out this relationship quickly and painlessly, to have just one day all to myself...I'll never date again if only you'd get me out of this one and away from her for good..." always seems to trumps the lonely periods when I look back on them comparitively.

;)

[JackDragna]

43. Never, EVER be tired of being single.

The world is full of ninnys that either want a mommy figure or will treat you like dirt. Remember, pets are better than people.

[Khephra]

44. You want cheered up? Do you really want cheered up?

I've had two real g/fs in my life and the last one was almost 10 years ago.

She blew her brains out 6 months after I told her that I loved her. Part of the reason that she killed herself was because she didn't think she deserved the love of others.

The other one left the same night I told her that I loved her. She left me becaue she thought she would hurt anyone who loved her. In the end she ended up having a kid by the guy she used to make fun of for eating his own snot as an adult.

I'm 35, yet no one has ever told me that they loved me other than family. I was 18 before the first woman kissed me.

Soooooo...how single are you REALLY?

(I'm just ranting like you are, so don't take this personally. Many of us have never had the luck in love that some of you have had. Every time that you think you have it bad, just rememebr, that I'm stilll sitting out here at almost 36 without ever being told that they were loved by someone else.)