Tell your best funny story on yourself

[Bossy Monkey]

Mine might be one of those "You had to be there" situations, I don't know. When I first discovered Sacred Harp singing, on a library copy of the Alan Lomax compilation "Sounds of the South," I was really excited. I thought I'd discovered a new approach to harmonics, and I told everybody so. I had all my friends over to listen to this revolutionary sound. "John," they told me, "they're singing out of tune."

Ok, let's hear yours!

[wryter2000]

1. If you want musical

I was discussing some piece of music for instrument and continuo with a friend when I told him I'd never seen a continuo.

[Bunny]

5. Hi wryter!

This is OT, buy how are you doing? I've been thinking about you! I hope you are well. :hug:

[wryter2000]

10. Also, OT

Hi, Bunny,

I'm going to hear TOP in Sparks, NV next weekend.

[Bunny]

11. Lucky you!

Give my regards to Emilio!

[Bossy Monkey]

30. Heck, I had to look it up

and music vocabulary was the only thing I was good at in all those years of band class. Still funny, though.

[patdem]

2. Well, when I was 13 years old I moved to a new neighborhood

and sauntered to the local drug store/hang out (back then drug stores were the local soda jerks) And as I crossed the 'busy intersection' to get back home, my underpants feel down, like a puddle around my ankles. My thoughts were immediate...should I step out and run like hell, or should I hike up and run like hell? Such decisions...so young and so inexperienced as such matters. Well I hiked up and ran like hell...but not before a woman waiting for a bus caty corner to my 'street smart underpants' called out in her LOUDEST voice...."IS THAT YOUR UNDERPANTS HONYCHILD?"...followed by laughter by her fellow waiters for the bus and all vehicles within ear shot! My humiliation was complete!

Thanks for the opportunity to share my funniest moment..I think?...??..:shrug:

[fluffernutter]

4. LOL! "thank you so much, lady, i had no idea my undies fell off"

good story! :D

[Donailin]

23. sort of like the price check at the check out

on your Monistat 7.

Oh the horror! :-)

[fluffernutter]

3. My mom used to send me up to the corner market on my bike

to get milk. I was in 10th grade, no license yet, so I was 15. The store was at the top of the hill from hell, and I remember cursing her out the entire way up there. I mean for christ's sake, she had to drive right by the market to get home! grrr. I had to get 2 gallons of milk and balance them as I went flying back down the hill to our house.

I hit some grooves in our old road and the bike was wobbling all over the place, and there I am trying like hell to balance the bike and the milk, and *splash!* one gallon of milk fell and blew up all over the road. I swerved to avoid it and there went the other gallon just as a car was coming up alongside me, and the milk plowed the side of the car.

There I was sprawled out on the side of the road covered in milk when the person driving the car stopped and got out to see if I was okay and assess the damage on his car. Of course it was Mark, the cute basketball star that I went to HS with at the time who lived down my street. I was mortified. I looked up at him all disheveled and embarrassed and said I was fine, but he insisted on giving me a ride home anyway, even though I was covered in milk and had a bloody nose and fat lip.

2 good things did come out of that - I got asked out by Mark and I never had to ride my bike up to that market for milk again.

[Donailin]

17. very funny!

[mr blur]

27. I was in France once with my family

and we went out to eat. I happily explaned to the waitress that I was a vegetarian. This seemed to cause a great deal of stifled laughter which I put down to the incredulity of the staff of a french country restaurant when confronted with someone who didn't eat meat. A little later one of the staff kindly explained that I had clearly declared "I am a vegatable". I suppose it confirmed what the French already thought about the British, anyway.

[BlueJazz]

6. This isn't just about me but I've always thought it was funny.

Years ago when the band I was in, was playing at a popular club in New York (city), we had a band member named John...who was an absolute Genius and VERY strange person. He had Perfect pitch, could sit down with an Album, write all the parts (guitar, bass, piano, sax, violins,trumpet..etc,etc...and this with only a pen and some staff paper...But to talk to him was like visiting the twilight zone. He truly live in another world...hell..another Universe!

Anyway..at the time John was very "Clean" (no drinking, drugs etc).....the rest of the band was..ah...shall we say..continually fucked up. (Hey..it was the 70's)

After the 4th night of playing at this club, the owner called us in to his office (everyone except John) and said:
"Um..you know, I'm a pretty liberal fellow and I understand that being in a band can sometimes lead you down the wrong path, such as drugs. I've been watching all of you and I like what I hear and I suspect that you are all fairly straight guys when it comes to drugs But I think we have a problem here. I talked to your Piano player (John) last night and frankly I wonder if he is going to be able to "carry-on" in this business much longer...Something just has to be done about his Drug problem"

LOL!..John was the only one who was straight!...Geez..

[McKenzie]

7. a couple of months back I went to the supermarket

returned to my car and pressed the remote locking button on my car key. No response after several tries. So I tried the door and it opened. There was a woman sitting in the driver's seat and I said "what the hell are you doing in my car?" to which she replied "This is MY car!". I then realised my car, identical model and colour, was parked two bays away. Luckily she saw the funny side of it.

[barackmyworld]

18. I have one like this!

In high school, I was waiting for my mom to pick me up, and I saw her car come around the corner. I opened the door, and stepped in, and realized "this is not my mom." I quickly apologized and ran out, as another kid walked up to get in :(

[SheilaT]

8. You know how you always see

just one shoe at the side of the road, and you wonder, "How in the world can anyone lose just one shoe?"

Well, I know how that happens.

I'd flown to DC to attend the wedding of my nephew. Picked up a rental car, drove to Baltimore where the rehearsal dinner was being held. Got lost on the one-way streets of Baltimore, which is another lengthy story. Anyway, at the end of the evening I was driving with my sister back to DC to spend the night in our other sister's apartment.

We stopped at a drive-through for soft drinks. Did I tell you that my shoes were hurting my feet, especially the right one which has a bunion -- shoes were new, not yet broken in. So I'd kicked off the shoes during the drive.

In handing my money to the cashier at the drive-through, I dropped a dollar bill, so I opened up the car door to retrieve it. The rental car had one of those stupid automatic seat-belt things which I hate, and so I got tangled up in it while retrieving the dollar bill. Paid for the drinks and drove away.

When we got to Sister's apartment, there was only one shoe to be found. And there was snow on the ground. And it was the only pair, aside from dress heels that I had to wear the next day.

So now you know how someone can lose just one shoe.

[vixengrl]

9. You know those long wooden crossarms that raise and lower

to let cars in and out of parking garages and lots? They move kind of slow, and they're usually paintd *BRIGHT YELLOW* with *DARK STRIPES* so you can see them and don't drive into one? Well I walked *under* one. Not on purpose. Not just "scooting under" thinking I'd get through. I was walking through a parking lot, taking a short cut, day-dreaming, or course, and THWAP! Knocked on the forehead. Cleverly, I said, "Ouch!" and jumped back a bit, checking to see if my nose was still attached. It was.

When I got home, I had a nice, black bruise in the center of my head--looked like I was having Ash Wednesday early. My head didn't feel too bad, but it jolted my neck. But damn--dumbest story I can tell on myself.

[Roon]

12. I was on acid

and hanging out in my bedroom grooving. My ceiling was textured and I was seeing all kinds of pretty shapes and colors! I thought this moment was so cool, I got out my camera and started taking pictures of the pretty patterns on the ceiling.

[RadicalMom]

13. Oooo, COLORS man!

[B Calm]

25. Took a hit of Orange Sunshine in the Navy

I got so paranoid, I wouldn't leave my bunk for 12 hours. I was later told it was a 4 way hit. I just laid there hiding under my navy whool blanket and we were in port in a beautiful carribean island. Closed my eyes and was viewing old Mickey Mouse cartoons in my mind, strange to say the least...

[RadicalMom]

14. It was in the mid eighties, I was the art director/designer, etc. for

a magazine I was putting together monthly for Universal Studios. It was my own company, new and struggling. It was my main account and our only regular income at the time. My client worked for the studio as editor for this magazine. He was very much a tightwad, trying to impress his bosses with the way he could hammer his vendors. He was also on cocaine all the time, and very disorganized, and with major mood swings and some classic coke behaviors at work. There was one issue on which I had goofed in marking the size of a few photographs somehow, "spec-ing" them wrong being the term used for that, and the printer was hammering him about my mistake, since he'd been trying to steal the account. Well, the Universal dude called me, all upset, about the few little goofs which had not gone to press nor would have. I'd worked several all-nighters doing this thing with his loveliness to deal with. I decided to improvise a bullshit story. I'd never done that, being a too honest person as a rule. So I said to him, making it up on the fly, "I'm so sorry, but my Spectrometer broke! I'll have to have it recalibrated." "Oh," he said, pretending to know what the hell I was talking about and not wanting to look uninformed about something which should have been in his knowledge, "Your SPECTROMETER broke!" Yeah, I had no way of knowing it till the mistakes turned up. That was okay then, just so I got it fixed before the next issue. There IS no such thing as a spectometer for use in grapgics. Never has been.Never will be. I still enjoy that little moment of some kind of victory.

[GaYellowDawg]

15. I was interviewing for grad school...

The professor with whom I was talking was bald, but I didn't really pay any attention to that. Plenty of people are, right? So we're talking and he said, "you may have noticed that I have no hair." So I looked, and darned if he wasn't lacking eyebrows and arm hair. Not a bit of hair on any places that I could see.

He then told me that after chemo/radiotherapy, he'd had some sort of autoimmune reaction to his own hair. Well, I was under stress, of course, because the interview was very important, and I'm one of those people whose first reflex is to come up with a "look on the bright side" statement to try to cheer people up (I'm usually pretty successful at quashing them). So I blurted, "Well, at least you don't have to worry about shaving any more!" Then I wished desperately for a hole that I could dive into. It was AWFUL.

The guy gave me a serious are-you-screwing-with-me-look, but I think he thought it was funny when he saw how excruciatingly embarrassed I was. By the way, I got into grad school. :-)

[Joe Power]

16. Shark Attack!

I was 14 the Summer that "Jaws" was released. Like just about everyone my age, or older, I saw it not long after it came out.

Two weeks later, a friend's father took a group of us camping in the Irish Hills of Michigan. One hot afternoon I decided to go off swimming by myself with a mask, a snorkel and a pair of fins. I was comfortably floating along daydreaming when my mind turned to "Jaws." Initially I was just amusing myself, but soon I started to get a tad freaked. I kept swimming along, however, telling myself not to be such an idiot. Despite scenes from the movie looping in my head, I forced myself to keep floating along with my face in the water. Then it happened.

I turned my head to the left and came face to face with a bluegill. Not just any bluegill, either. This one had to be at least 7 inches of pure malice. Needless to say I completely freaked. My body instinctively straightened out and I began to scream. Not realizing it, I had floated into about 2 and 1/2 feet of water. My feet found the bottom and I was standing, screaming and waving my arms around in very shallow water. Near one of the lake's crowded swimming beaches. Of course, all eyes were on the idiot kid, wearing a mask and a snorkel, who had suddenly risen from the waves screaming like a 6 year old girl at the top of his lungs.

Braving the bluegill's wrath, I slid back under the water and swam away as fast as my mortification would allow. I swear, that bluegill had sharp, nasty teeth.

[Donailin]

22. LOL!

"Seven inches of pure malice"

Good one :-)

[Joe Power]

33. Sure, laugh at my pain!

;-)

[barackmyworld]

19. I embarrased myself on 9-11

Inbetween classes, one of my friends ran up to a group of us and shouted "Someone just ran a plane into the World Trade Center!!!!" I thought it must have been a tiny private plane, so I loudly said "HAH! What moron couldn't SEE the World Trade Center!?"

[Donailin]

20. When I worked for a cleaning service years ago

I had this one customer who preferred me because I understood her anal retentiveness. She went through many employees before settling on me. I took pride in this for a reason that since then has been a cause of great regret.

This home was an anomaly, she had two children about 8 and 9 years old and I was always amazed that every time I went there, everything was exactly in the same place as last time. EVERYTHING. From the knick knacks on the kitchen window sill to the stuffed animals on the kids beds, to the shampoo bottles in the bathroom and the color coded paper clips on the magnetized holder. And the house was immaculate, anyone else would have walked in and said, this place is clean, why am I here? You could literally eat off the floor. There was a clear neurosis at play in this house.


Anyway, I was just finishing up the floor in the kitchen one day and I noticed a box of Jelly Bellies. The kind where there are fifty different kinds each in their own compartment.

Now, this was years ago and I had never tried these new fangled candies and was curious to see what the big hoopla was, so I picked up the box and took off the lid. Low and behold, there was every flavor imaginable. Pina Colada. Cappucino. Caramel Apple. Lemon Lime. Buttered popcorn. French Vanilla. Kiwi. Mango. Peach. Orange Sherbert. And on and on. All these colors, all these flavors. And I thought, oh awesome, I think I'll try ONE.

ONE. The blue one, Island Punch.

And It was delicious, it REALLY tasted like some tropical experience. I think I'll buy some of these for my kids. And that was the last happy thought ever to be had in that house again.

As I was putting the lid back on the box, my hand slipped.

The next thing I knew, there were five hundred jelly bellies on the floor. To say I was mortified would have been an understatement.

OH. DEAR. GOD.

The ramifications of this accident hit my brain like mack truck.

I have to SORT all these back into their respective compartments in the box! They have to match the menu page that indicates what flavor goes where!

The fact that the beans were all over the kitchen floor did not concern me as much as not confusing the Island blue with the blueberry,or the green apple with the kiwi. Not only did I have to sort the colors, I had to sort the flavors. And there was only one way to do this.

Tasting them.

My sweat glands went into overdrive. I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

All I could think was, OMG, this woman sorts the toothbrushes in the bathroom, if I misplace one jelly bean, she's going to know. SHE'S GOING TO KNOW!

It took me a half hour to do half the box , it was a sight to behold. On my knees in the middle of the kitchen tasting jelly beans looking at the cover sheet trying to decide if that's tangerine or orange juice! Why the fuck did they have to have so many flavors. Godamn Jelly Belly and the evil scientist that figured out how to make one taste like toasted marshmallow while neglecting the fact that it looks exactly like Cappucino!

And I had to get to my next job on time or my boss will be calling me because I had the key and another employee was waiting for me there.

Competing values.

My sense of hope to complete this task diminished increasingly as the second hand on the large kitchen clock ticked by. I may as well have been an FBI agent trying to unarm a bomb with thirty seconds to go. Except, the FBI neglected the fact that I was just a cleaning lady with no expertise in blue wires verses white wires.

I gave up. To the best of my ability, I put he other 250 jelly beans into the compartments that were empty.

And that is when the customer became my arch enemy. Someone who had to be fixed through glitches in the system.

Fuck it, close enough. Why does she have to be so anal retentive? Doesn't she have a life? This house is proof of child abuse. It's abnormal. I would be a nervous wreck if I were a nine year old kid living here. Serves her right, let her come home from work, cook dinner without getting so much as a drop of grease on the stove. Let her shout out orders to her husband about the facecloth pulled out of the dryer and hitting the floor where the germs are. Let her scold her children about the footprint on the formal living room carpet where the cleaning lady left nice vaccumm cleaner tracks.

Let her sit down at the beautifully polished kitchen table and carefully open the box of jelly beans. Let her pick the shiny pink bean in the designated compartment marked bubble gum. Let her go ballistic when it the flavor of cotton candy explodes on her taste buds.

Let her nuerosis manifest itself into the form of a phone call to the complaint department of jelly Belly.

Please God, let it be so!

[Riding this Donkey]

21. Not about me, but

my hubby is a supervisor in a distribution center. One of his employees came in to work about a 1/2 hour late.

He says to my husband, sorry I am late.

I was here on time, but when I went to get out of the car, I looked down and saw that I still had my pajama bottoms and slippers on, so I had to go back home change.

I laughed so hard at this story I almost tossed my cookies.

[Ravenseye]

24. Texas History 7th Grade

We had just moved to Texas from another state. I had no clue about Texas history. Sure I had heard this name or that name, as many kids had, but no real concept of it.

On top of that I didn't study at the time.

In class the teacher asked me what I thought about 'The Alamo'. I had no clue. I'd heard 'Remember the Alamo' and all that but that was about it. I quickly considered in my head what my response should be. My thoughts were that if it was somthing to remember, the people there must have done something incredible.

"I think it was pretty incredible that those few people were able to hold off the Mexican army."

Everyone turned and looked at me as if I was aboslutely insane. My teacher with a look of incredulity responded. "They did lose."

[mondo joe]

26. "Probably spouses aren't normally invited-how nice of them to include me!"

My partner works for the city's best known chef who has a copuple of annual holiday dinners - the company dinner, the manager's dinner and the inner-circle manager's dinner.

So my partner says we're invited to the manager's dinner at this fancy new restaurant and I don't WANT to go but I don't want to be anti-social, so we go.

We're the last two to arrive and we take the last two seats at the table. Everyone is talking and eating and I notice I'm the ONLY SPOUSE at the table. But by then I've had quite a few drinks so I'm not worried. I think "Probably spouses aren't normally invited - how nice of them to include me!"

The next morning I find out I was never invited - it was a goof on my partner's part - the only reason there was a seat for me at all was that the executive chef had a last minute family issue that kept him from going.

No one ever said a word at dinner and I was treated like family but I still spent the next week ABSOLUTELY mortified.

[trof]

28. Fire ant attack

I was in the back yard last summer wearing T shirt, shorts, and flip-flops.
I was using a big hay fork to turn the compost heap.
I'd been working there about 5 minutes when I felt a bite on my foot.
I looked down and my right foot and leg were swarming with fire ants.
I was standing on an anthill concealed by the edge of the compost heap.
I turned and ran for the hose on the other side of the yard.
Have you ever tried to run in flip-flops?
Have you ever seen a portly gentleman of a certain age try to run in flip-flops?
Neither had Miz t.
She literally collapsed with laughter.
I failed to immedtately see the humor in the situation, but eventually I did.
;-)

[Joe Power]

32. Second worst thing about Texas.

Man, I hate fire ants. :nuke:

Then again, I cannot resist messing with their nests, either.

[Donailin]

34. When I lived in florida

I used to pur gas on them and set them on fire. <eg>

I believe that all God's creatures are precious and necessary, except for flies and fire ants.

[nuxvomica]

29. Many years ago when I first joined the marketing department....

I went to the firm's annual sales meeting to meet all the sales VPs who were normally scattered around the country. My boss told me to just get to know everyone because I'd be talking to them all on the phone a lot. They were a mixed bunch of mostly "hail fellows well met" but there were a couple of real uptight, spit-and-polish types as well. On the first evening during cocktails I was drinking rather excessively because I'm a shy person and had to force myself to strike up conversations with these strangers. I was standing around with some of the sales reps trying in my drunken way to get their names straight while one of them, Tom, started pretending that I had the names wrong and kept switching them around on me.
Then a rather sober looking but smiling gentlemen joined us and Tom introduced him to me "Have you met B--- Farquahart?" (pronounced: far-kwar)
"Cut it out, Tom!" I said, "What's your real name? There's no such name as Farquahart" I repeated the name several times, enjoying it's comic effect. Then I noticed that B--- looked a little pissed. "That's really my name", he said stiffly. The other sales reps backed away out of his sight and doubled up with laughter at my gaff. I apologized profusely.

[Donailin]

31. LOL, reminds me of Elaine on Sienfeld n/t

[Bouncy Ball]

35. I didn't have any glasses at the time, and was too lazy to put in my

contacts. I had just discovered the term "libertarian" and wanted to know more. I had AOL back then (UG) and found what I thought was a libertarianism chat room.

I wondered why everyone kept hitting on me and sending me private messages.

Lesbianism. Not the same as libertarianism. Did I mention how blind I am? I was squinting at the computer screen. When I realized the error (due to a very graphic question posed to me by another chatter), I put in my contacts quickly.