Iron rules of hollywood movies

[DrBB]

Well, some of them aren't absolute, but some of 'em are.

This one's just about unbreakable:
If there's an expensive, exotic sports car in an action movie, that car is going to get trashed. A painful truth for us car lovers, but there it is. That Ferrari, Lotus, Lamborghini, Aston Martin? Gonna be a heap of shredded tin by the end of the flick. I don't think it applies to your Porsche, Mercedes, or BMW. Has to have a more exotic pedigree. If it does, it's as doomed as The Kid.

Speaking of which...
In a war movie, The Kid is gonna get it. Usually a minor character but not always. The Lad With His Whole Life Ahead of Him. He's deader than a Maserati in a Kung Fu flick. Even surer if we see him early on getting a letter from his young wife or girlfriend. Deader 'n shit. Sorry pal, it's what you're there for.

This one's somewhere around 98%:
The law of the interrupted kiss. The first kiss between the romantic leads is always interrupted, usually somwhere just after pucker-up but before contact is made. Phone rings, kid sister busts in, house blows up, whatever. But they're not going to get to connect lips until Act 3--everyone knows it. They might as well not bother trying.

Any others?

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

1. People of color in horror movies get killed

A couple always HATES each other before falling in love.

[Rabrrrrrr]

2. For the older movies, the black guy in the group dies first

if it's a cop, war, detective, horror, whatever movie, if there's a black guy, he dies first.

[Elidor]

23. A rule observed quite strictly by the first Star Trek

A black man beaming down to the planet with Spock and Kirk and McCoy? He's a goner already. And even he knows it. You can see it in his eyes. "Oh, shit, they need another decoy! I was going to be a captain someday."

[eyepaddle]

32. That ethnic group was really more of a

red shirt thing. If you wore a red shirt AND didn't asnwer to "Scotty" you were friggin' DOOMED. Nowehere was safe--the forces of evil would sneak through the deflector shields just to cap you.

[DrBB]

43. "Red shirt" syndrome very nicely satirized in Galaxy Quest

That guy who's sure he's going to die because he plays essentially a Red Shirt in the TV series--can't remember the details. But clearly a reference to this.

[Deja Q]

66. Huh? It's red shirts, not black men, that snuff it in Star Trek.

Even in the '60s. Sorry. :-(

[Elidor]

68. They had those, too - just a designation of rank

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. If there's a car chase, it will go through a fruit vending area

or area with a lot of fruit boxes to blow into the air.

One movie - I think it was a Police Academy, maybe V or VI - paid homage to Roger Ebert, who often complained about this phenomenon, by naming the fruit vendor "Ebert's" or something close to that.

[DrBB]

13. Great one! I'd forgotten about that

What is it with fruit carts? It's like trailer parks and tornados or something. You'd think there wouldn't be any of 'em left after a while. Must be hard to get insurance.

[terrya]

4. Until farily recently, gay men were portrayed as:

1) Screaming, mincing, swishy faggots. Flaming.

OR

2) murderers, psychopaths.

[sundog]

19. ummm, any recent improvements come to mind?

:shrug:

I can't seem to think of any.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

41. You know what? I just imagined a variation of the Revenge Action Movie.

A ghastly hate-murder of a gay man happens. Similar to Matthew Shepard's. The culprits belong to a nutty Phelps-like "church" that's militia-like, i.e., they're many, have loads of guns, and know how to use them. But the victim's lover was...

Steven Seagal.

They're doomed.

[sundog]

59. cool, just find a studio with the balls to back it & an actor

who isn't scared shitless the world will think he's gay if he plays one :eyes: & it's a go! :7

Actually there are some good foreign flicks that break stereotypes. Keyword being foreign.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

62. Funny thing is, I'm thinking an AMERICAN style action movie

Complete with hard rock, car chases, explosions, all (or most of) the "Iron Rules" you find in this thread, and lots, LOTS of guns.

Nah, it can't be made by anybody but a good old Hollywood studio.

[Rabrrrrrr]

63. That would be awesome!

And the Attorney General, a straight republican Christian, ends up getting into the act to bring down the "church" led by the bad guy because, as he says, "That just ain't right for a church, and ain't right for an American."

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

69. The AG believes the cult leader for 90% of the movie

Until the hero FINALLY manages to get him hard evidence, and is then utterly floored. It is him who fires the final shot as per post #27 in this thread.

You know, if we keep this up we may end up with a complete script. :crazy:

[Rabrrrrrr]

76. And after they pop a cap through "Phelp"'s head, the AG

begins to realize that the stain of hatred has moved all the way up into the White House and is able to convince the republican house majority leader, and that's how the movie ends. Either leaving it to the imagination of the viewer, or prime for the sequel - "Steven Segal in 'Unelected'".

[McKenzie]

5. and cops always get teamed with someone

who is their exact opposite personality wise. By the end of the movie they are either in love with each other or best buddies!

[Swede]

6. If a gang of bad guys is chasing the hero,

he will knock out a pursuer but never,ever pick up the baddies gun.

[Rabrrrrrr]

7. The bad guy never just puts a bullet in the head of the good guy

Especially in a Bond flick, but it happens in a lot of others, the bad guy will talk and talk and give the bad guy his whole plan, then walk away and either let a machine or some incompetent idiot handle the killing of the good guy.

Austin Powers did a great parody of that.

[pres2032]

8. if the camera settles on an object for 5 or more seconds

that object, no matter how insignificant at the time, will become crucial to the plot.

[SharonRB]

9. If someone is coughing a lot

they will be dead of cancer by the end of the movie.

[derby378]

15. Either that, or tuberculosis if it's a period piece

Witness MOULIN ROUGE and possibly FINDING NEVERLAND, for example.

[SharonRB]

33. Still haven't seen Finding Neverland, although I want to

My point was dead of something, though. TB works just as well as cancer (or some rare disease we've never heard of)!

Also, if a woman is feeling queasy or she faints, she always winds up pregnant.

[sundog]

17. lol - or dead of something

[derby378]

10. No woman under 30 shall be seen in briefs, high-cut or otherwise

Just watch a few movies and tell me if I'm wrong...

[DrBB]

11. Just thought of another

The Girl Always Trips

This one gets satirized a lot nowadays--maybe I should have put in a qualifier for the era in which the movie was made. But man, from 1940-1980 or more, in any horror or sci fi movie, when The Guy has rescued her and he's trying to lead her escaping from The Creature, the girl is going to trip. Even when she's not wearing high heels.

Has a corollary, too, I think: If The Girl gets the gun, she's going to drop it, forget to switch off the safety, chicken out, whatever. But she's not going to get to shoot it. Same era of course.

[Aristus]

12. An army officer in a war flick will issue some kind of directive like

this:

"Have my jeep ready at oh-seven-hundred, and that is a DIRECT order."

In the real Army, no one who doesn't want to get laughed at says oh-anything. O is in the alphabet. the time is 'zero-seven-hundred', or 'zero-eight-thirty'.

And although the orders issued by officers are classified as 'direct' orders, no officer worth his butter-bar would ever point that out. Come to think of it, no good officer would append 'that is an order' to ANYTHING he would say. If you have to remind soldiers of your authority.........


While we're on the subject, tired dogfaces in movie combat always talk like cadets in an inspection: (bellowing)"What do we do now, !SIR!?"

In reality, it would be more like a tired, resigned "What now, Cap'n?"


edits: Man, I really gotta proofread! :dunce:

[eyepaddle]

55. Any Action-type war flick

at some point will use the phrase "lock and load."

God that makes me want to wretch!

[henslee]

14. Going back to get something you left in the office is never a good idea..&

if you utter "I'll just be a sec" before you do it, well its even worse.

[DrBB]

21. And the girl is GONNA go down (or up) that staircase

...no matter how loud the audience screams at her not to.

[Dookus]

16. No matter how old and decrepit the leading man is...

he will get the 20-something leading lady.

Do we really need to see Lindsey Lohan making out with Abe Vigoda?

[SharonRB]

35. NOT a pretty picture!

[DrBB]

39. Wait a minute--you're saying us graying 40-somethings

...aren't babe magnets for swingin' 20-somthings? I coulda sworn.... Well, shit. Another illusion stripped away. Thanks a lot.

[DS1]

18. If the movie was made in the 80's, there WILL be a training montage

:D

[sundog]

22. with some hi-nrg music... or better yet, some sorta fashion "makeover"

I hate montages. Really hate them.

[DS1]

72. Then you're all too familiar with the Iron Eagle II mission-planning

and training montage, complete with the consumption of pizza :D

[Rabrrrrrr]

25. Absolutely!!

Gotta have the montage, where we watch the utterly incompetent unlovely third-rate bozos that the world has written suddenly and miraculously turn into nobel prize winning cheerleaders/chess champs/race drivers/baseball team/dancers/whatever. Somehow, all their teeth are straightened through the montage, as well as hair changes, and an apparent 5000% increase in their warddrobe budget.

[DrBB]

20. The hero's sidekick is a Native

Gotta be older than Tonto, this one, but that's the first one I can think of. Works for black-white cop/buddy movies. The Black Guy stands for soul, rootedness, hipness, streetsmarts--all the stuff the White Guy needs to have validated in himself by having a Black Soulmate.

Mr Spock is one of my favorite instances. He's the Native of Outer Space, who has deep knowledge of its folkways and weirdnesses, all unavailable to the White Hero. White Hero needs to have this lore (logic, science, but also deep cultural weirdness) supplied to him, but his own Wonderfulness is validated by the fact that he has a friend steeped in non-WhiteGuy lore.

[Mr. Blonde]

24. Already kind of covered

The good guy is an amazing shot, bad guys shitty. Except when the main bad guy and good guy square off. Then they both go to shit, until the good guy only has one bullet left.

[DrBB]

26. Genuine spiritual values are the province of minorities

Kind of a corrolary to Hero's Sidekick Is a Native: if genuine, non-hypocritical spiritual/religious values are to be represented, the character HAS to be an indigenous person or ethnic minority. This is what black people are for. They are there to validate the Destiny of the White Guy, through their contact with Deep Mysterious Wells of Spiritual Wisdom. We white guys don't know what it is, but them black folk just have DMW of SW oozing out of 'em. Our own religious professionals are all hypocrites, so we're kinda caught off from this otherwise.

The Matrix films are an exceptionally egregious example. Morpheus, The Oracle. Couple of superb black actors compelled to play--let's face it--this same damn role.

[yardwork]

46. That's what bothered me about Shawshank Redemption

You just described the two protagonists' relationship perfectly. Irritated me because it was so Hollywood stereotypical.

[DrBB]

50. And SOOOOO self-congratulatory

Always amazes me how oblivious rich hollywood stars are to how utterly condescending this plot is. They LOOOOOOVE to play this role--the White Guy Saves The Poor Oppressed Black People Of Genuine Spiritual Values. I really liked Shawshank, but damn, it's a pretty egregious offender in this regard. "Mississippi Burning" is another classic case, but there are lots of others. The job of the oppressed black folks (or Native Americans) is to hum spirituals and Suffer In Noble Dignitude. For their suffering ennobles them. And the White Guy will save them, thereby rescuing White Folks from having to identify with all them Kluxers or whatever that are doing the oppressing. The White Guy Who Takes Pity On the Oppressed Natives and rescues them from the other white guys.

Funny how rarely the Oppressed Natives get to rescue themselves.

[shrike]

57. I think y'all are going a bit over the top on this one

Shawshank is good entertainment, nothing more.

Besides, Morgan Freeman isn't BLACK black. (Hope I didn't offend anyone.)

[VOX]

75. The "Magical Negro" stereotype: "The Green Mile," "Far From Heaven,"

"Driving Miss Daisy," "The Stand," "The Legend of Bagger Vance," "The Shining," etc.

You see this stereotype all the time, where a person of color has nothing better to do but help out the white protagonist, and usually at great sacrifice.

[DrBB]

79. "The Oracle" in The Matrix

Just to get that on record in the post header. One of the more outstandingly obvious examples. One of the more interesting characters in the movie, too, but still....

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

27. If the bad guy is captured alive at the end of the movie

He'll produce a gun an try to shoot the hero or one of his friends, thereby giving the hero an excuse to shoot him dead (usually with a shot in the exact middle of the forehead at a ludicrously high distance).

[DrBB]

31. YES! Though I thought you were going to follow that header

...with "there will be a sequel." Yours is better though.

[sundog]

28. he's still not dead yet

[eyepaddle]

29. Here's a classic I can't believe y'all missed

If it's a spy movie the hero is ALWAYS retired and has to be cajoled back into his old life.

A corollary to this: persuasion never really works, it takes an egregiously horrific act by the villain to coax the hero out his unconcern.

[DrBB]

34. The Gunslinger Who Has Hung Up His Guns

Starts with Cowboy flicks, moves into Detective Flicks, and from there into Spy Flicks, yup. But it starts with the Gunslinger Who Has Hung Up His Guns, and has to be coaxed back into action. Always a reliable kick off for a revenge plot, as you imply. The egregious act that brings him out of retirement. Ah'm Gonna Git The Bastids What Shot Billy's Dawg!

[eyepaddle]

37. Yeah, you're right

I was just getting warmed up and couldn't think of the Cowboy origins. Thanks for the save!

[sundog]

30. the obnoxious one will be the first or second to last to die

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

36. If ANY main character is seen cutting veggies in the kitchen

S/he'll get a cut in the finger. Nothing nasty, however.

[DrBB]

38. The Guy Who Just Doesn't Get It

In a Sci Fi horror movie particularly, the REAL bad guy is not The Creature, it's The Guy Who Just Doesn't Get It. Frequently the first person to be killed by The Creature. Igor in the old Whale Frankenstein--he's the one who causes The Creature to turn away from good, by tormenting him with the flame and whatnot.

Better example is Paul Reiser's character in Aliens, though. Classic instance of The Guy Who Just Doesn't Get It. The corporate slimeball who wants to bring The Creature back to Earth so they can profit from it. Major payoff in the flick is when he Gets It (in the other sense).

[eyepaddle]

44. How about its bizarro world parallel?

The Guy Who Just Doesn't Get it--until the female lead slaps some sense into him, that is. However, he's usually not that far off, it only takes that one slap to make him see the light.

[DrBB]

48. Yeah, that's the guy

If he's lucky, he gets sense slapped into him. If not, brrrzzzap. Or the T-Rex eats him. But he's there to educate the audience either way. It's a job.

[hickman1937]

40. Any time a bad guy chases a good guy

even if the good guy has a 3 mile head start, the bad guy always catches him at the elevator.

[KG]

49. marathon type foot chases, even tho it clear niether has been doing

anything like training.

[KG]

42. if an animal appears in a scene, it has to make it's noise.

drives me nuts.

[JohnOneillsMemory]

64. Dogs especially. Bleak environments have lonely dog barking in distance.

The list of audio cue cliches is a whole other thread topic...

[MidwestMomma]

45. If the good guys/bad guys are chasing each other on foot

Especially in a parking garage, good guy will usually end up on the hood of the car of the bad guy who finds a car and tries to run him over. But of course the good guy is always alright.

[DrBB]

47. Spaceships in a vacuum make NOISE

I think the only movie not to do this was 2001. You hear the sounds of the guys breathing in their helmets--just what they would hear. But in general, space is (correctly) SILENT.

I once got on NPR Science Friday when they had a panel of hollywood FX guys and physicists talking about genuine space science vs the stuff they make up for SF movies. I FINALLY got to point out that THERE IS NO SOUND IN A VACUUM goddamit. As of course they all were perfectly aware. "Yeah, well, but ya gotta give people something so they know something's happening," was all they could say. True enough, of course.

[billyskank]

51. Rules for police detectives:

(1) During the course of any major investigation, it will be necessary to visit at least one strip club.

(2) A police detective can only solve the crime once he has been suspended from duty.

I'm sure you can think of others. :)

[eyepaddle]

52. No matter what they do

their supervisor is livid and is taking ALL KINDS OF CRAP FROM THE MAYOR'S OFFICE ON THIS ONE.

Variations on this, they are either suspended for suspecting (correctly) the mayor's associates, OR are pressed for time due to the mayor's demands.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

56. "Last Action Hero" spoofed that one wonderfully. (nt)

[Kat45]

53. Some mob movie rules:

When the Don (or equivalent character) goes to the opera, someone will be getting whacked by his soldiers.

When someone goes into an Italian restaurant for a nice dinner, he will get whacked, with the whole place most likely being shot up.

If a few mobsters go up to a guy, real friendly, making a big deal out of him, then take him with them somewhere, he will get whacked.

[CBHagman]

54. Everyone can afford large apartments and lots of clothes

It doesn't matter what they do for a living.

Labor and delivery last only a few moments, not HOUR AFTER AGONIZING HOUR!!!

The wisecracks go to the elderly sidekick, or the kid sidekick, or the minority sidekick.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

58. You folks gotta see this:

http://www.eviloverlord.com

[DrBB]

83. That is suPERB. A handy reference list for Evil Overlords

Maybe NOW they'll stop making all those dumb mistakes. "Shooting's too good for the likes of you, Mr Bond!" No it ISN'T. Just SHOOT him.

[sundog]

60. when the the cop's wife is left alone, the killer will come for her

but the cop will save her in time of course

[Dukkha]

61. The good guy ALMOST gets shot

The usual senerio the hero or damsel has a gun or arrow pointed right at their head. Just as he's about to fire the hero emerges from nowhere to stop the villain.

The Last Word cut off.

right before an explosion there's dead silence except for a character saying something like "OH SHI..." then BOOM!

Teenage movies ALWAYS end at the big dance or prom.

[Rabrrrrrr]

65. In the bad guy's lair, the stairs have no handrails, the platforms

have no guardrails. And everything is black or steel colored.

And even though the lair is secret, for some reason the bad guy can't leave his plans out in the open, but has to have all the dioramas and scale models on tables that either flip over, or on platforms that rise up from the floor, and all monitors are hidden behind doors. Until the bad guy pushes the one button the remote control that brings everything out into the open.

[Cheswick2.0]

67. When some one attacks the boyfriend or husband

the women will always stand there helpless instead of picking up the nearest heavy object and clocking the guy.

[eyepaddle]

70. And even worse

when they do react it is inevitably a TOTALLY ineffective jump on the bad guy's back. WTF? What is that supposed to accomplish?

[VOX]

71. When a script stinks, a character always says, "Lemme get this straight."

And then he/she will proceed to outline the entire messy story up to that point, in the likely event that the audience has nodded off.

[DS1]

73. An artist or amateur scientist ALWAYS lives in a dusty loft

so the light can create beams of light for them to walk through either contemplatively, creatively, or menacingly :D

[eyepaddle]

74. This is kind of a sidebar,

but if Jeff Goldblum plays the scientist he's some kind of rock 'n' roll scientist.

I know that's more of a typecast than a rule of Hollywood--but I hate Jeff Goldblum's movies.

[DS1]

77. I was specifically thinking of "The Fly" remake when I added the

amateur scientist, because I'd originally only considered the artsy types.

[baldguy]

78. Lesbians are evil killers.

[CanuckAmok]

80. The "promiscuous slut" supporting actress is the first to die in slashers.

Always the chick who goes all the way, or lets her boyfriend sleep over, or goes swimming naked.

[bobbieinok]

81. when every one gets bath and clean, whole clothes...lead female

still in torn dress with strategic holes.....most irritating example (cause...maybe...it coulda been better) ----Raiders of the Lost Ark

[CanuckAmok]

82. shooting a gas tank will always result in a giant, climactic fireball

and the reality is that bullets do NOT cause explosions when they strike flammable stuff.

[DrBB]

84. And cars always explode when they go off the road.