Any tips on sustaining a long term relationship?

[More Than A Feeling]

A few of you may remember a week ago when I wrote that I had sent a letter to a certain lady telling her of my desire to build a relationship with her.

Well, her answer was yes, when we are reunited in the fall (I am in Washington, D.C. for the semester)

I don't want this to be a six months and break up relationship, I want this to be a long term commitment. Any thoughts on things I can do or avoid to make this a reality?

Much obliged to all who reply!

[Goddess Nephthis]

1. Relationships have a life of their own...

you can nuture them, cultivate them, but in the end, they either flurish and grow or stagnate and die. Enjoy them while you can.

[Liberal Veteran]

2. Well, I've only been with my SO for 14 years, but....

1) Watch your temper. Don't say things you'll regret later.
2) Try not to go to bed angry.
3) Listen to one another.
4) Always take the time to do nice things for one another.
5) Respect the other person.

[catmandu57]

8. What LiberalVeteran said

Plus it helps if you LIKE the person, please don't confuse love with like, I love my wife, but, I really like her.
That's confusing I know, but it's true sooner or later love wears down, but, like stays. I like her company, I like listening to her, but, take sometime apart, you don't have to be joined at the hip, give each other space to grow.
Confusing isn't it.

[rbnyc]

22. I agree! (nt)

[movie_girl99]

39. that's fabulous advice n/t

[trof]

43. 36 years here, and LV is dead on. I'd add THOUGHTFULNESS.

Which kinda covers everything he said.
The golden rule is a good one to live by.

[LynzM]

53. LV, you are right on

Respect, number one. Remember that this is another person. Closeness is not a reason to say things in a hurtful way. Don't say things in anger, because you can't take them back. Take a 10 minute walk, then talk, if that helps. Talking is important... don't bottle your feelings up and then expect the other person to know what you are feeling.

Share little things, and do little things for one another! Small surprises are sometimes the best ones!

Do new things together, and share new experiences :) Make time to go out or stay in together, and do something you both enjoy, something that is relaxing or fun for you both!

Most of all, have fun and enjoy each other! :)

[More Than A Feeling]

55. That's a big one

I have a big mouth sometimes. If I don't watch myself, sometimes silly things come out that make people go "what the hell is he on?"

I am trying to work on this, really, because our relations are primarily through Instant Messenger, so what I say is all the more important. In the meantime, exactly how detrimental is this?

[LynzM]

58. Well, totally depends

Are we talking silly like "I just said something that makes me feel dumb that I actually said that" or like letting slip "hey, your best friend really turns me on... oh, wait"... A little help in terms of what you meant? I'm not really sure how to interpret what you mean by 'a little silly'. But I do find in online chat, better to overexplain yourself if you think what you're saying might get misinterpreted, since the person on the other end has no visual or vocal clues to go by.

In terms of what I said, it's a matter of degree, and what I meant was mostly about holding your tongue when you are angry, and discussing things after you've calmed down. I've thought many things I'm glad I didn't say to my husband, because an hour later, I no longer feel that way. It's forcing yourself to wait that bit of time until you are calmer that I find to be really important. Ranting and raving may feel really good, and do it in your head, but it usually does very little toward building a good relationship!

[More Than A Feeling]

59. more like the first one than the second.

I am not as bad as "I think your best friend is hot"

[StopTheMorans]

3. "6 months" isn't a long term commitment? sorry, can't give you

any advice then :D

[More Than A Feeling]

4. You know what I mean *rolls his eyes*

but I have edited just to keep things clear:)

[StopTheMorans]

5. no, i get what you're saying, i just think that 6 months IS a very long

time to be with someone :7

[More Than A Feeling]

10. I have had three six month relationships in the past

but for some reason have not been able to get past that time. This woman is amazing beyond belief, and we are good together. So if we only last six months, that would be too depressing for words

[kick-ass-bob]

14. StopTheMorans has had 5 six-month relationships in the last

8 months.

:eyes:


:D

[StopTheMorans]

18. wait, wait *thinks to self* that's unpossible!

:crazy:

[Floogeldy]

6. I'd say alcohol and porn . . .

. . . but since it never worked for me, I won't.

[lojasmo]

37. I second that

works fine for Mrs. Lojasmo and I. :P

In seriousness, communication is the key.


along with alcohol and porn.

[Misunderestimator]

7. What you can do is make sure you see her BEFORE the fall.

Anything could happen in the meantime. Suggest that you make a trip to see her in a month, and see how that goes over.

[readmylips]

9. Respect, kindness, laughter, tears, compliments..

Your mate should be the person you can confide in and the most important person. When starting a relationship, don't tell all. Learn the sensitivity of the person first and allow your secrets to fall into place at the right time.

If you were married before, please don't bring up the ugliness of the breakup or bring her/him up at all. Within time, you'll be able to share what went wrong, and how you both contributed.

[lady lib]

11. See the good in her and

Overlook a lot, a lot!
Talk about your concerns without being accusatory.
Think longterm.
Be realistic (sorry). Some relationships are meant to work out (especially when you do all the things we're suggesting), and some just aren't meant to be.
Good luck. BTW, I've been married for almost 20 years.

[unblock]

12. all you need to know: "i'm sorry, i was wrong"

you probably already know about flowers and such, so i'll spare you that.

the most important thing to remember is that the relationship is more important that winning a fight. being in a relationship where you lose an argument sometimes even when you know you're right is better than being always right and single.

oh, also, never, ever use the b-word.

finally, also know this. it take two to tango. if she's not there, you can't do it yourself. it can only last forever if you BOTH want it to last forever.

good luck!

[rbnyc]

25. I'm sorry, I don't agree.

The key is to transform the dispute so it's not about right and wrong. If you know you're right but say you're wrong, or depend on her being wrong in order to be right, you're headed for disaster.

But I agree withthe rest of your post.

[unblock]

41. well said, we agree

sometimes it's just easier, in the heat of an argument, to say to yourself, "i'll let her have her way this time even though i know i'm right, for the sake of the relationship" first.

then, when the crisis is over and everybody's calmed down, you can see the forest for the trees, and realize that there's a bigger picture than just that one topic you were arguing over, and better tend to the overall relationship. as you said, it's not about right and wrong. it's not about winning the argument. there is no "winning". there's opinions and perspectives and listening and being heard. there's my way and your way, not right way and wrong way.

sometimes, when i'm driving, mrs. unblock will tell me to go left when i KNOW the way home is to the right. we used to bicker, and sometimes i'd go the way i knew. but now, i just go the way she tells me, even if i know it's not right.

because it's not about getting home the fastest. she has great difficulty will giving up control (the only time i drive both of us is when she's had a few drinks; i don't drink at all). so letting her choose the route gives her the feeling of control that she needs. getting home MY way doesn't give her this.

when she realizes she made a mistake, she says oops, and tells me to turn around. but she retains a sense of control, and that's more important than getting home quickly. somehow, we always end up at home eventually....

[rbnyc]

42. right on! (nt)

[Misunderestimator]

44. That's really sweet.

[jswordy]

13. Here is what works for us.

I have been in one relationship for 25 years now. We find these things work:

1.) Don't be judgmental and jealous. Allow each other wide latitude and room to express individuality. This creates fertile ground for trust to grow.

2.) Never part angry with each other. Heal your wounds, or at least get to the place where you both feel healing will take place.

3.) Rather than trying to make the other person fit ideal requirements, honor them for who they are, warts and all, and what they bring to the relationship that would not be, otherwise.

4.) Realize that disappointment in the other person does not automatically mean things are over. In fact, disappointment in the other person can be a beautiful place for the relationship to grow deeper, if each person is honest in working through it.

5.) Try not to ratchet up arguments to be hotter than necessary. Hurtful words can come out, and they cannot be taken back. Instead, try to explore why each person has grown to feel the way they do to cause the disagreement in the first place.

6.) Always support each other's life explorations, so that the relationship will not grow stale, or stiff and unyielding.

7.) Forget about perfectionistic goals for the future, and cherish the beauty of being together now. Live day to day honoring each other. There may not be a tomorrow.

Best of luck to you both.

[rbnyc]

20. These are great!

Reminds me of one more thing: If you get in a fight, don't try to win, try to resolve it. If you depend on the other person being wriong in order for you to be right, you'll never last. Instead, try to get away from right/wrong positions and work on the issues in a way that's good for both of you.

[SarahB]

23. Excellent observation!

I tried to say that for years, but not so eloquently. "I'm not against you, I just want to work out the problem." Sometimes people have so many defenses that I think it's hard for them to not see any difference of thought or opinion as an attack, so either the other person has to "surrender" in a sense or just shut down (or both). It's sad.

[fluffernutter]

26. good list - also remember why you fell in love in the first place

revisiting romantic magical moments tend to keep the fire burning :)

good luck! i'm so glad she wrote back and it was positive, woohoo!

[Patiod]

34. To expand a bit on "don't go to bed angry"

No grudges, no sulking. My S.O. always says "let's start over" after a big blow-up. It's an enormous help.

[Tyrone Slothrop]

15. There was a piece on NPR this summer

About these psychologists who were able to very accurately forecast whether or not a given couple would stay together or break up (and when this would happen - even accurately projecting breakups 5-10 years down the line) based on monitoring and filming and analyzing them during a 10/15 minute interview session/conversation.

They discovered that all couples argue about almost exactly the same things. However, the couples that stayed together argued in a different way or manner than the ones that did not.

The biggest signifier that a couple weren't going to last was contempt.

They found that when the people responded to the things one another said with an edge of contempt, their relationship was almost inevitably doomed.

I listened to this story with my girlfriend at the time thinking about the fact that we often responded to one another with contempt and we were fine. We broke up a few weeks ago.

This is my advice to you. Try not to respond with contempt.

[Bertha Venation]

16. Commit.

If you are committed for life, you won't break up.

Sounds simple, maybe even cold, I guess. I don't mean it that way. It's just that I believe in committing 'til death do us part,* and that's what I did when I married Mrs. V.

Congratulations and my very best wishes for you both!

Kim from So. MD

* Disclaimer: of course if abuse were involved that would change things.

[SarahB]

17. Don't yell at her...

and then wonder why she has emotionally detached from the relationship. :(

Actually, LiberalVeteran and jswordy summed it up well.

Edit: Sorry for being rather bitter here.

[rbnyc]

19. Well, I've been with my husband for 8 1/2 years...

...we were together 7 years before we got married. I'd say these are the biggest things that help us stay close:

1. a long kiss every day
2. we are both good at both talking and listening; and especially we tend to mirror back what we've heard the other say before jumping in with our opinion
3. we express appreciation often; we don't let the washed dishes or the folded laundry or the relinquishing of the computer or the canceled meeting in order to have dinner with the family go unacknowledged; we're always saying things like, "I see you working hard and I really appreciate it." or "I noticed you moved your rehearsal so that we could have dinner together, that's so sweet." or "Thanks for feeding the cats so that I had less to do this morning before work." or "Thanks for letting me chat on DU for 2 hours. I know you would have liked to have played your WWII Flying game."
4. we have shared goals, like raising our son and saving for a house, and building a better recording studio
5. we have our OWN things--he has his bands, I have my career, he has his friends, I have my friends, he likes to spend time alone reading, I like to spend time alone writing, he has his WWII Flying game, I have DU, etc.

I can't remember now who said it, but I think the biggest key to a successful marriage (I know you're not talking about marriage now, but just a lasting relationship, but the quote is about marriage and I think it's a good one.) is "Marry someone you can stand."

[gollygee]

21. You have to know how to deal with disagreements

You both have to be willing and able to comprimise, and there have to be subjects that are off limits when you fight. You can't hit on each other's most sensitive issues when you fight. You also should never threaten to leave when you fight. My husband and I don't fight often, but when we do we are very careful to fight fair. There are things that hurt too bad so I know he will never bring them up no matter how angry he is, and again there are things I'd never say to him no matter how angry I am because he would be too badly hurt.

[Sapphocrat]

24. Um...

If you love her (and she loves you), tell her, and often -- and tell her why.

Be comfortable saying "I'm sorry." Be ready to forgive her, immediately, when she says she's sorry.

While you're still, initially, madly in love with her, make a list of all the reasons you adore her -- then pull it out and read it to yourself when you're really, really pissed off at her.

Remember that you will get really, really pissed off at her -- and she at you.

Never say anything you can't take back.

Never hang up on her.

Never go to bed mad.

Remember my daddy's words: "You marry one, you marry the whole family."

Don't pick on her family unnecessarily, unless you're agreeing with her.

Don't complain about watching chick flicks. Don't shout "Thank GOD!" or do a happy dance when Julia Roberts finally dies in "Steel Magnolias."

Never use sex as a weapon. Never talk about your past sexual experiences, even if she begs you for the juicy details.

Never, ever talk about your sex life together with any third party (except, perhaps, your therapist).

Don't argue about money.

The correct answer to "Does this make my butt look fat?" is an immediate and emphatic "No, not at all!"

Don't try to solve her problems for her unless she asks for your help or advice. Women need you to LISTEN, not try to FIX everything instantly. That's how we work out problems, by talking them through. If she wants your help, she'll ask.

Never blow off any of her concerns. If she's upset about something, it's real to her, even if you think it's no big deal.

Don't try to change her, and don't expect that she won't change.

Don't let her try to change you, and don't expect that you won't change.

Make sure your politics are compatible before making a long-term commitment. Our politics are derived from our most deap-seated core values (and prejudices). You can be happy while enjoying completely separate interests and pastimes, but if your core values aren't a reasonable match, you're sunk.

Ditto religion.

Remember the name of her best friend. Be nice to her best friend, no matter how you feel about her/him.

Don't get weird if her best friend is a guy... or a lesbian.

Pick your battles. 90% of everything you will ever argue about has no impact whatsoever on the course of the cosmos.

Don't let the geographical distance between you take on a life of its own.

Sign me,
Solidly Together While 8,000 Miles Apart for Most of Five Years (Come March 19)

[More Than A Feeling]

27. Wow!

This is awesome! Thanks to you, and everyone who replied, for sharing your wisdom. If this doesn't work, it won't be because I didn't have excellent advice.

[Starryhope]

29. Respect and cherish each other

Make him/her feel loved.

[Floogeldy]

30. Hmmm . . .

"Don't get weird if her best friend is a guy... or a lesbian."

I'm gonna have to think about this one.

[Misunderestimator]

45. Spoken like someone who's been through enough to know...

Great list!

[foreigncorrespondent]

46. Very well said!!!

Good advice. :)

[RetroLounge]

28. Don't screw her sister.

just saying...

RL

[jswordy]

31. Hmmm...is advice this from a PERSONAL experience? n/t

[RetroLounge]

49. Not telling

RL

[Magrittes Pipe]

32. Don't I know it!

:hi:

[RetroLounge]

50. Oh, Yes you do!

:spank:

RL

[Magrittes Pipe]

52. But her sister is HOT!

:D

[Xithras]

33. Here's the real-deal, YOU can't do it.

First, I have to point out that almost everything I was going to post is in Sapphocrat's post above. I just have two things to add:

1) You have to dedicate yourself to it fully. You have to put her needs ahead of your own. You have to look at every decision from her point of view, and stop worrying about what YOU want to do and whether or not the decision is "fair". She must be your world.

2) Here's the kicker: She has to do the same. You can be the most devoted, caring, selfless lover, boyfriend, or husband in the world, but if she doesn't reciprocate by doing #1 herself, then your relationship is doomed. No matter how much you want it to work, it will only last as long as you BOTH are dedicated to it, and there is NOTHING you can do to affect her dedication. But if you both dedicate yourselves to each other and do what is best for each other, you will have a happy, lifelong relationship.

By the way, #1 is often a function of maturity. When we are young we tend to be more self-interested and it's difficult for us to give up our own interests and goals for the benefit of another. This is why so many relationships fail between young people...they look at what THEY EACH want to get out of it, be it love, money, sex, or a family, and never put themselves in the position of considering how their goals will help to promote the goals of their partner. When those goals conflict, relationships and marriages fall apart.

[yellowcanine]

35. If you are both ruled by inertia, get married. Then splitting up will

just seem like too much of a hassle. Worked for me.

[BiggJawn]

36. Don't live together.

Works for me and mine. Been together almost 7 years now.

Besides that, I can NOT recommend learning to put the seat down highly enough. I know, but it's a big thing to them....

[kwassa]

48. Do live together

You will never know anything about the other until you do.

10 years and counting.

Married after 4 years living together.

And why don't women put the seat up for us guys????

[Scout]

64. we find that

everyone putting both seat lid and seat ring down when done works fine.

Then everybody has to open at least one lid.

Also, it keeps the dogs from drinking out of the toilet.

[patcox2]

38. Lots and lots of sex, loud boiserous, fun sex.

No kidding, it is a great foundation for a long relationship, so long as you just never neglect it.

[Garage Queen]

40. Make sure the knots and good 'n tight.

Kidding! I kid! :7

[More Than A Feeling]

47. Kick for all the wonderful replies!

and for her, naturally!

[A-Schwarzenegger]

51. Don't get upset about anything.

[guitar man]

54. married 13+ years here

been together for almost 15. What has worked well for us is that we have never forgot that we are individuals. Sure, we have built a life together, but we also recognize that each of us has our own life, interests, and opinions. We spend an awful lot of time together, but spending some time apart helps keep hings on an even keel.

Good luck!

[proud2BlibKansan]

56. We will be married 30 years in June

and I think the secret is we are good friends. That and we are good room mates. I have learned to tolerate his bad habits and he puts up with mine.

And it's little things too. About a year ago, my alarm clock broke. My hubby has to be at work at 6AM so I asked him to call me to wake me up until I could go buy a new alarm clock. Well, I still have not bought one because I really look forward to his wake up calls every morning. It's 5 minutes of uninterrupted conversation with the man I love every day. Usually, the conversation is just about what time we will be home, what should we have for dinner, etc. But it is such a great way to start my day. We have usually worked different schedules and have never had that morning time together and I just love it now.

He has never sent me flowers. I don't always get romantic gifts or sweet cards on my birthday. But every morning he wakes me up and tells me he loves me and to have a great day. That little gesture means everything to me.

So my advice is to relish the little things.

[Scout]

57. Don't start taking each other for granted

especially on the little things.

Like, even though we've agreed that certain jobs belong to me (cooking dinner most of the time) or to him (cleaning up the dog poop) we still the other "thank you for cleaning up the back yard, the dogs and I appreciate it" or "that was a good dinner, thank you"

you don't necessarily have to do it every time, but always remember to do it sometimes.

*****
Respect each other ... don't require that one asks permission of the other to do something. That's too much like asking mommy/daddy. Instead, we state that we want to do XXX, and discuss it ... can we afford it, is it practical, how important is it. Usually we end up agreeing without having to compromise much, sometimes we don't agree but it doesn't end up turning into a big fight.

****
Go into the other room if you have to fart!

*******
Don't go to bed angry at each other ... agree to continue the discussion if you must, but do not go to bed angry.

****
Be reasonable ... remember you love them, and also remember that love is not enough. There must also be respect, and consideration, and lots of other things.

***
Don't lie to each other.

****
Discuss having and raising children before attempting the same. Don't trick, force or manipulate anyone into becoming a parent.

[LeftyMom]

60. have a kid

then she's stuck.




I'm kidding.

[Sparkly]

61. Three L's: Listen, Laugh, Love.

Listen: Communication is the key; and it's good to consider listening more important than talking. Understand before expecting to be understood.

Laughter: If ever there was a time to learn this lesson, it's now. The worse things get, the more it's important to laugh.

Love: As a VERB, not just a noun.

(For a couple of years into this second marriage, I'd say to him every night, "Thank you for loving me." And his reply was always "thank you for marrying me." Your words may vary, but you'll know what that means when you love each other as a VERB.)

[Stinky The Clown]

62. It doesn't hurt if she's a hottie like you!

Just kidding. The best thing you said was the word "love" is much more important when thought of as a verb and not a noun.

[More Than A Feeling]

63. Yes, she is, in fact a total hottie!

The most beautiful girl I have ever met, and she isn't a jerk about it. *sigh*

[Taxloss]

65. Talk. All the time, about everything.

If you're pissed off, tell her. Tell her she should do the same with you. Don't go to sleep angry; talk about your disagreement first, settle it. Talk, talk, share, share, and then talk some more.

But keep touching each other as well. Not fucking, just nice, casual touching. And write and phone and do silly spontaneous things.

But you know what? All this advice is useless. You have to do this for yourself.

I have been with my girlfriend for six years and will marry her next year.