Maybe I should just shut up.

[trof]

And maybe race should be added to religion and politics as topics not fit for dinner table conversation.

Since most of my friends are Republicans ( and NOT wing nuts, just different from me in their politics), I tend to keep my head down and mind my manners unless fortified by several drams of Dutch courage. Unfortunately, such was the case last night. The son and daughter-in-law of our hosts were visiting from out of town.

Somehow race came up in the after dinner conversation. It was a reasoned discussion of various government programs, what worked and what seemed not to, in bringing about better racial harmony.

I stepped out on the patio for a smoke and the son, also a smoker, followed me. He proceeded to tell me a very long, very juvenile (he's 40 something), and VERY racist "joke". The punchline was telegraphed long before he got to it. I waited, hoping I'd be wrong. When he delivered it I just looked at him for a moment, said "That's NOT funny.", and walked inside.

I sat back down at the table, across from Mrs. t., and gave her our secret "it's time to blow this joint" look. She finished her conversation and we started our goodbyes. It was about time to leave anyway. Our hosts and the out-of-towners are coming to us for dinner in a couple of days. I certainly won't bring this incident up, but I really wonder if my behavior was mentioned after I left. Whatever.

Maybe I should just put a sock in it.
:shrug:

[wryter2000]

1. I don't think so

Letting crap like that slides allows the problem to remain unexplored. If I were you, I'd hope they talked about the incident afterwards. Maybe they'll keep that stuff to themselves next time.

[trof]

9. That's kind of how I feel.

I'm not usually so vocal about it which then makes me feel guilty because my silence can be interpreted as tacit approval.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

2. Racism came up at the dinner table last night with me too

There were 4 others at the table and I knew none of them. When the conversation took a turn to race, one made a racist comment. I simply told him his irrational fears would diminish the credibility of anything else he had to say.

I will never shut up about it. If people don't like it, there are other people they can hang out with. I'm obviously the wrong company for them.

[Cheswick2.0]

17. it is amazing that people don't even know they are racist

They open their mouths and stick their foots right in.

on edit: I was going to change foots to feet (what was I thinking?) but decided the mistake was funny. ROFL, I really must learn to proof read!

[Loyal]

20. Yeah

It's absolutely terrible.

[Dookus]

3. you handled it perfectly....

even Miss Manners might approve.

[Girlfriday]

4. No! I'm of the opinion that NOT saying something

is tantamount to agreement. You were well within your rights to let that racist boor have it! And I say Bravo.

[eauclaireliberal]

5. RE: Maybe I should just shut up.

Maybe I should just put a sock in it.

Better yet, maybe find a more decent class of people to hang out with. I mean really-why start getting unerved (or doubtful about expressing your beliefs) just because someone else wants to behave like a complete prick? There are better people out there in the world who should have the honor of your friendship. Really. Life is too short for people like that.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

7. nevermind ( i misread and thought it was Trof's son)

Still I don't thin alientaing people is good...you can't alter this conversation by ignoring it but you can make it VERY unfashionable to have.

[eauclaireliberal]

13. Oops-

I misread it...for some reason I thought it was the son of a freeper "friend"

Nevermind me...I've been up since 4am yesterday.

[trof]

16. The older I get, the more outspoken I become.

Hi eauclair. Welcome to DU.
No, these aren't bad people. The host and I are very close and go waaaay back. He was best man at my wedding.
We're both retired and we walk and talk every morning. He doesn't keep up with current events much and I kind of update him a little every day. (I'm a news junky since the 2000 selection.)
He voted for bush* but won't again. I think I've been successful in turning at least one of the former faithful away.

I hadn't seen his son for about 30 years. I didn't like him very much then either. Happily he lives far away.

[Skittles]

6. No, you did right

you have to let these racist f***s know their stupid jokes are NOT FUNNY. I refuse to be silent. Maybe that guy will think twice before he assumes everyone is the same mindset as HIM. You rock, trof!

[Brucey]

8. Is it possible to just be kind and straightforward?

I get so worked up by repug and bigot relatives that I can't just be gentle and explain to them why they are idiots. I don't know if it would help anyway, but I wish I could just kindly tell them why their racist jokes aren't funny, and have a smile on my face while I tell them.

[Fenris]

10. You handled that very well

I'm not sure there was any other respectable thing to do. I probably would have said "Hmm. Charming." in a real sarcastic voice and walked back inside. But that runs the risk of confrontation. You handled it in the best way possible.

[DulceDecorum]

11. I remember reading somewhere

about this chap who was dressed up as Abraham Lincoln for some event. Afterwards, while he was still in costume, a mother and her little girl came by. The little girl obviously wanted to say something to him but she was held back by shyness.
"Go on," urged her mother, "tell him."
The little girl came forward and looked at the actor.
"Thank you," she said, "thank you very much," and then she returned to her mother.

I hear the man was never the same after that.
What do you think HE would have done in your situation?

Oh,
I almost forgot.
The girl and her mother were not white.

[mhr]

12. Don't Know Your Situation

But I would have been more outspoken.

From what you have written, it sounds like your family set adheres to the appearances of gentility principle that seems pervasive in republican circles.

I for one have grown very weary of gentility.

[trof]

18. Maybe it's a southern thang?

We usually try not to get into confrontations at social gatherings, out of respect for the hostess, if nothing else.
We'd rather be ladies and gentlemen...unless it involves Alabama-Auburn football.
Then, of course, it's a no-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners, eye-gougin, nut-kickin free-for-all.
;-)

[carpetbagger]

14. If enough of us do what you did, it will make a difference.

I think it would only take about a 10% negative response to these types of jokes to keep people from saying them.

[Cheswick2.0]

15. I applaud your character

It is not easy to tell someone their racist or sexist jokes are not funny.

[trof]

19. Thank you.

I don't remember anyone doing that in a while.
;-)

[Loyal]

21. No, you shouldn't shut up

You did the right thing, trof.

[cmd]

22. It wasn't race, but politics for me

I met my daughters boss for the first time last week. He was commenting on what a great job my kid was doing and how conservative she was. Now, knowing that this kid is a flaming liberal like me, I asked what he meant by conservative. She was very responsible, was the reply. My war button was touched off. I went on to state that being responsible was certainly a liberal issue, not a conservative one and that maybe he should revisit what was liberal and conservative. I'm sure the appropriate thing for me to do, would have been to shut up, especially since I was arguing with the managing partner of a law firm, but I've just had it with crap like that. I think, Trof, they just want us to be quiet. Too bad, it won't work. Thank you, Trof, for sticking up for your principals.

[trof]

23. Your cojones are bigger than mine,

figuratively speaking.;-)
You're talking career here, and not just dinner parties.
Although I guess I would have had to probe a little too, about what responsibility has to do with liberal-conservative.
Maybe because the right has succeeded in making a perjorative out of the term "liberal".
:-(