Ladies, how would you feel if a man gave you an engagement...

[readmylips]

ring he bought 2 years before for an ex girlfriend? My son began dating this girlfriend while he was still trying to marry his long-time Law School girlfriend.

My son has made comments like, he could have used the money he spent on the 2K diamond ring on two plasma TVs for his home, and that he could have bought an engagement ring at WalMart, and his now fiance wouldn't have known the difference. I see this as a sign for disaster, and I'm embarrassed as a his Mom and as a woman. I'm worried but he still doesn't want to set a wedding date. If a man did this to me, I would shove his engagement ring up his butt.

What would you do?

[bobbobbins]

1. as long as she doesn't know about it...im cool with it

no point in buying another ring if hes already got one...I put practicality above sentimentality

[stevedeshazer]

2. Encourage him to postpone marriage until he is mature

But I tried that with my daughter, and she married him anyway. They're now divorced.

Good luck, but if he's a grownup, there's not likely anything you can say that will change his mind. :)

[redqueen]

3. Forget the ring... this is the part that gets me!

"My son began dating this girlfriend while he was still trying to marry his long-time Law School girlfriend."

I don't think he has any business giving ANY woman a ring ATM.

[crispini]

7. Ooo, yeah, I missed that part.

Agree witchoo.

[brainshrub]

13. I found that part interesting.

[blondeatlast]

40. Yep, I agree.

This is a disaster in the works.

[liberalhistorian]

4. Well, considering that I'm 40 years old

and have never been given an engagement ring and likely never will receive one, I wouldn't have the first clue as to what to tell you on this.

Sorry, just in one of my moods, I guess. #$%#@$%^#@^@#%$#@$^ Valentine's Day as a single gal will kinda tend to do that to you.

[Butterflies]

23. I'm right with you

except I had an engagement ring once, and I didn't even enjoy it after the first couple of weeks. It was given to me by someone I knew I never wanted to marry (I didn't want to turn down the proposal and hurt his feelings, I know it was stupid of me.) It's the relationship that matters, not the ring.

Buy yourself something nice for Valentine's Day, that's what I'll be doing.

[liberalhistorian]

28. Yes, it is indeed the relationship that matters.

but I've always wanted to know what it would feel like to get a ring from someone I DID want to marry and who was excited about marrying me. It seems that everyone else I know has that. And it hurts to think that I'll probably never experience that. I understand now the real truth of that saying that "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Even if your SO dies, you still will have experienced that, unlike so many others.

As for VD Day-BA! Fuck it. I'm so fucking sick of being alone on that day anyway, while everyone else I know isn't. And I'm REALLY sick of all of the marketing around you that you just can't miss no matter where you go, do these people not understand that NOT ALL OF US have "sweeties" and that that damned day is torture for many of us?

[Butterflies]

30. I see what you mean about never having that feeling

I've never had it either. :-(

I try not to compare myself to people who have it a lot better than I do because that'll always make me feel depressed. And maybe skip the romantic movies for the next few weeks.

I know Valentine's Day sucks. To feel better I sometimes remember my crappier relationships and feel the relief that I'm not in them anymore.

For the actual day - I wear a red sweater and buy myself something I've been wanting.

Just know you're not alone. :-)

[crispini]

5. Don't most women like to pick out their own engagement ring nowadays?

Or at least have some input? That's my impression anyway.

If he does give her the "old" ring he SO should not tell her. Ever, ever, ever.

Yeah, I wouldn't do it. She'd find out somehow someday anyway, and then it would be A. Bad. Thing.

[DS1]

6. I have a ring from about a decade ago that was returned

( thankfully before following through and actually getting married )

I haven't gotten rid of it yet purely out of spite towards the scumfuck jewelers who want to give me 20% purchase price on something worn for about a month and supposedly lasts forever. Perhaps someday I'll sell it, it's not an issue at the moment. Now that I'm through with the background part, I'd never be able to give it to another woman, it's just morally wrong and it'd be a constant reminder of someone else - no matter how far in my past she is.

[redqueen]

8. Who are you and what have you done with DS1?

[DS1]

11. *cough* "scumfuck jewelers" *cough*

I'm still here :D

[redqueen]

16. hehe

Thank goodness!

Like your sig... sounds JUST like my husband. :)

[DS1]

19. It's a Bushism

Famous during the debates

[redqueen]

24. GREAT!

[Bridget Burke]

12. Put the diamond in an earring for yourself....

(Or a discreet man's ring, if you're shy.)

[DS1]

15. discreet man's ring, like a Prince Albert?

:scared:

[crispini]

20. ROFL! nt

[JimmyJazz]

9. I think it's appropriate to keep the diamond, but have the ring changed.

[redqueen]

17. Well I'll be damned if that's not the most logical idea posted yet.

*makes note of whom to ask for advice next time I need some*

[JimmyJazz]

18. Why thank you, oh new best friend - your check is now in the mail!

[redqueen]

25. Hehe you don't have to pay me!

I'm a slut, not a whore. ;)

[bleedingheart]

10. I don't think he sounds ready for marriage...

personally I didn't want an engagement ring but when my husband's brother's wife made some rude comments about how our engagement must be made up since I had no ring...my husband bought me a very beautiful ring which was bigger than hers...he can be so sweet in a spiteful way like that....hahahaha

[readmylips]

33. At 34, I think he's ready for marriage but....

I think that in his heart, this girl is not the one. All his friends are married and most have their first child. They're not too fond of this girlfriend. They all met in Law School, and the new girlfriend is a stranger not in the same club. They're not rude to her, but not warm either. They know about the engagement ring fiasco.

My son has made it difficult for her too. In public, he said that his girlfriend went to the University of Ignorance. Meaning, she doesn't have a college education. I was furious at him. He had no right to put any woman down. If she's not the one, then walk away. She doesn't stand up for herself. She find his remarks cute. If they marry and divorce, she's going to be pretty well taken care of financially.

My hubby gave me his Mom's wedding ring and we got married on her birthday. After 10 years of marriage, he gave me a cute engagement ring he bought for me in England.

[NewJeffCT]

14. As a guy...

As a guy, I wouldn't think of giving a woman another woman's ring. If my ex-wife had given me her engagement ring back, I probably would have sold it on eBay or some other place.

And, I heard consumer expert Clark Howard a while back say that when he proposed the idea to a woman if she could get a diamond ring or the equivalent price of a big screen TV, what would they take... and, a female staffer shot him down pretty quickly with a good response saying that in 5-10 years, you'll need a new TV but you'll still have the diamond ring.

But, guys have a different mentality on these things.

[peacebird]

22. my hubby gave me another womans ring

of course the other woman was his great grandmother...

kept us from spending money which could be better spent buying our home.
I have never understood the jewelry salesmens pitch about spending two months salary on a bit of jewelry... Seems silly to me.

But then I don't need the ring to let me know how much hubby loves me, and heck - we've lasted over 11 years so far...

peacebird

[NewJeffCT]

34. well, great grandmother is different

and, my ex-wife got a better engagement ring than my wife now. My ex left me so deep in debt that I had no money to buy my wife anything nice... we had a friend that sold us her old engagement ring for $500 so my wife could have something at least, and it probably isn't worth much more than $500. With my ex, I went down to Chinatown in NYC and got a ring worth an appraised value of probably $3,000 at the time.

However, my wife & I keep meaning to go out & buy her a new engagement ring one of these days. It bothers me that my ex got a better ring and the woman that sold us my wife's ring turned out to not be the nicest of people and is no longer a family friend.

I don't tell my wife now that my ex had a better engagement ring, but I do tell her that I'd like to get her something nice because of the woman that sold us the original ring.

[amazona]

21. would i do if what?

What would I do if I were you? Sure, I'd be embarrassed as his mom and as a woman too, but I don't know what more you can do other than point out if he doesn't love the woman enough to buy her a ring of her own then he shouldn't be marrying her.

What would I do if I were the fiance? If I knew I was getting another woman's ring because my man didn't care about me enough to buy me my own ring, I would thank God for learning this information BEFORE the wedding so I could call it off. Divorce isn't cheap.

What would I do if I were the son? He himself acknowledges that there are plenty of diamonds at WalMart indistinguishable from the overpriced crap at the snooty jewelry stores. I'd buy one of them. Because if he tries to slip this old girlfriend's ring over on the new lady...one day, it is going to come back and bite him in the butt. Love is grand, but divorce is a hundred grand.

I wouldn't even go along with the suggestion to have the old diamond put in a new setting. For another piece of jewelry, OK, fine. Maybe one day as a Valentine's Day or Christmas gift he can do this.

But not for her ENGAGEMENT ring. There should never be a chance that one day she will learn that HER diamond was bought for another woman.

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of communists
and other subversives. We intend to clean them out,
even if it means rounding up every birdwatcher in the country.
--John Mitchell, US Attorney General 1969-72

[Madrone]

38. I think...

regarding:

"He himself acknowledges that there are plenty of diamonds at WalMart indistinguishable from the overpriced crap at the snooty jewelry stores"

I think that rather than an acknowledgment of his astuteness and superior ability to remain unswayed by flashy, dishonest marketing the statement regarding WALMART was actually a jab at the lack of "class" his current fiance contains.

Sorry to the mother, but this guy sounds like a real pig. I'd campaign against this marriage for all I was worth if I were her.

Being 34 doesn't necessarily mean he's ready for marriage. If he's making the cracks about the possible future mother of his children that are being attributed to him he's OBVIOUSLY not ready for marriage - to this imperfect, substitute of a fiance or anyone else.

[Ravenseye]

26. This is a problem

I'm a man, but the advice i've given fellow men on when to get married seems to somewhat apply here.

Should you get married? You have 5k in your pocket. Would you rather get a 60" Plasma HDTV Television for yourself, or buy her a really nice engagement ring?

Your answer shows whether you should propose/get married or not. If you'd rather have the television you're not in the right place to get married. If you'd rather get her a great ring you're ready.

People might say things like 'Yeah she wouldn't know the difference' or 'she doesn't care about diamond rings' or some other excuse. It doesn't matter. It's not about whether or not you'd buy the television or the ring. It's about what YOU would rather do. Would you rather spend that 5k on yourself for quick gratification, or on your girlfriend for lifelong gratification.

You should let your son make his own mistakes, but at the same time you need to tell him he's not mature enough to get married and to think about trying to be less selfish. IMHO.

[crispini]

31. Wow, that's very insightful. nt

[movie_girl99]

27. engagement rings are so overrated anyway

i had a huge rock with my 1st marriage and sold it when we divorced and put a dp down on my house. It wasn't anything my daughter would've ever worn anyway. I think if you love someone why do you need a fancy ring unless its just for show. Isn't just knowing that you love someone and are going to marry them enough?

[Ravenseye]

35. It's a symbol

Just a symbol. That doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything. You don't need a fancy ring, you don't need anything but love, baby!

The symbol though is representative. You don't have to spend ANY money to get married, well apart from any liscence costs...the point is whether you'd be willing to.

If you'd rather spend hypothetical money on yourself instead of your girlfriend, it doesn't matter whether she wants a ring or doesn't. If she doesn't want one, don't buy one for her. The problem is when you'd rather spend the money on something else, when not considering the woman at all. If you're so selfish you'd rather spend 2k on yourself than your spouse, even hypothetically, you're not ready for marriage imho.

[Bullwinkle925]

29. I would be totally P.O'd. if I found out that the ring was recycled.

I do agree with a previous poster regarding your son needing to find some maturity before he leaps into a committed relationship.

[readmylips]

32. Thanks for all your great comments....

My son paid $40Ks for the diamond ring, top quality, etc. His ex girlfriend is a big shot lawyer like himself, and would have known the quality of the diamond. But she's such a simple down to earth woman, that a diamond wouldn't have matter to her. This is were my son made his big mistake. She only wanted him to move back to DC with her. They were both lawyers in DC.

The new girlfriend or fiance, is in credit card debt over 25K. I think he should have paid off her debt instead of giving her the $40K diamond ring. I mean, here's a woman with a 40K diamond ring on her finger, drives a beat up car, at 37 yo owns nothing, and is in debt up to her eyeballs. It doesn't make any sense to me.

[amazona]

42. well if they marry

Her debts will become his debts, so he will be paying off the $25K loan anyway. I don't think paying off her debt instead of buying her a ring sends quite the right message, since it is something that will become his responsibility anyway. She still needs an engagement ring!

A $40K ring is a bit much, I agree, but what is done is done. It almost sounds like he is buying the lady. If she has nothing but debt and someone is sliding a $40K ring on her finger, then she probably feels she can't say no at her age. I don't know what to think. I still think the "used" ring is disrespectful but I can see where a woman with few or no financial prospects would feel like she couldn't say anything about the matter, because of the high value of the ring in question.

I don't know. It all seems very grubby and unromantic to me. But I don't know how it could be fixed either. The two of them are old enough to understand what they are bargaining for and if they're happy with it, I'd let it be.

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of communists
and other subversives. We intend to clean them out,
even if it means rounding up every birdwatcher in the country.
--John Mitchell, US Attorney General 1969-72

[Midlodemocrat]

36. He could have the stone reset

into something his new girlfriend might like, something different from the incarnation it has right now.

[SW FL Dem]

37. I think there are 2 issues here

One, is your son really ready for marriage? The second is what to do with the ring. I can't help you with the first one, but my suggestion on the second is to have the diamond(s) in the ring reset into another ring. A new setting should only cost a few hundred bucks and he gets a "new" ring.

[MissB]

39. I wouldn't date someone that would consider doing something like that

let alone accept a ring from them.

Before you think I'm some ungrateful gold-digger, I'll have you know that I do not like diamonds and would never own one. Simple gold band for me, please.

Maybe he is hoping that she says no.

[SOteric]

41. I don't think he's ready to be married.

And if his mother doesn't think so either... maybe he should wait a decade or two.