If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright....

[whistle]

... he's the famous comedian who once said, "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than many do, to our amusement. Here are some more of his gems:

- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.

- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder."

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.

- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.

- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.

- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to
be on it.

[SheepyMcSheepster]

1. "i got a new vacuum cleaner. it sucks"

:silly:

[whistle]

2. That's it

[osaMABUSh]

3. His delivery is awesome - dead pan - more....

This morning I woke from a dream and went right into a daydream

If you shoot a mime should you use a silencer?

I'm living on a one-way dead end street.
I don't how I ever got there.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I wear eyeglasses when driving; the other day on the freeway my prescription ran out.

[osaMABUSh]

4. mas...

I was doing peyote when I took my SATs. I got an 1800.

When I die I'm going to leave body to science fiction.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I was walking through the forest alone and a tree fell right in front of me and I didn't hear it.

I bought some batteries but they weren't included so I had to buy them again.

What do batteries run on?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Because of that song?

Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody's making a penny.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let 'em fight it out.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add.

[whistle]

5. This is the kind of thinking that can protect us from neo-con...

...new-speak!

[seriousstan]

6. I put instant coffee in the microwave....

I went back in time.

[whistle]

16. That's ok actually because the hotter the brew for instant....

...coffee, the better it dissolves. It really should be cooked or boiled for several minutes. I found that pouring boiling water over instant coffee granules never brought out the full body and taste. But when I mixed the instant coffee in cold water in a pan and placed it on the stove, brought it to a boil, then allowed it to boil for about five minutes, it was quite palatable. My preference still is to brew coffee fresh and to always grind the beans right before I make the coffee. I'll bet Steven could come up with a one-liner to zing me on that little practice. hehehe

[devilgrrl]

7. Did you know that his high schools colors were CLEAR? :-)

I had the pleasure of seeing him live several years ago, that was one of his jokes. Great show and if I'm not mistaken, Barry Crimmins opened for him, he was funny too. :-)

[KitchenWitch]

11. Love Steven Wright

and Denis Leary!

[Dr Batsen D Belfry]

14. "I'm not naked,

I'm in the band"

is the followup

Hilarious!

DBDB

[GreenPartyVoter]

8. Love him. And Mitch Hedberg too.

[mark414]

10. Mitch Hedburg!

subway: ducks eat free!

[Kat45]

9. I saw him live twice in a local small comedy club in the early days

I believe it was 1980. He was great!

[mark414]

12. why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put 2 cents in?

somebody's making a penny...

[KT2000]

13. "Jesus was French"

One of those tight sweater virgin Christian girls was on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect complaining that Clinton was going to cause everyone to have affairs like the French do.

Steven Wright just slowly turned to her and said "Jesus was French."

Thought Maher was going to fall off his chair laughing.

[Dr Batsen D Belfry]

15. I like to skate on the other side of the ice

or

I like to run the tub and the shower at the same time and pretend I'm in a sub that's been hit.

DBDB

[whistle]

17. ha, that's good, now I have an idea instead of just playing...

...submarine with the ivory soap!

[NewJeffCT]

18. I went to the children's museum

All the paintings were on refrigerators.