When someone tells you they are divorced...

[tcfrogs]

What do you think of the person & the situation? Do you think that they or their SO cheated on the other? Physical abuse? Other abuse?

As a newly divorced male, I never really thought much about it until it actually happened to me.

Just curious to any thoughts on this...

[Sannum]

1. I don't think anything...

Marriages end. Sad but true. It is none of my damn business to speculate about anyone's marriage or how/why it ended.

[Not_Giving_Up]

2. That depends

Do they sound happy to be divorced? Or, are they mad, bitter, what?

I know people that are thrilled to be divorced, others who were devastated by it.

[rwenos]

3. If it's a Guy, it means Nothing; If it's a Woman,

she means it, and she's probably hornier than a three-balled cat. It's a green light for more social intercourse, if nothing else.

And never underestimate the attractiveness of you being a divorced guy to single women. They figure you know the geography, how to climb the mountains.

[BiggJawn]

9. Where the hell did you learn all THAT?

The "Playboy Advisor" or "Ask Penthouse"?

That's the most stereotypical load of crap I've heard all week.

Oh, be sure to wear your smoking jacket and an Ascot when she comes over to your "pad" to listen to your "Hi-Fi"...

Gawd, how 1950's....

Most single women I met figured I fell off "the Mountains", so to speak. "Damaged Goods" and all that...

[rwenos]

16. Two Divorces of My Own

and thus based on personal experience.

Don't mean it to be stereotypical, but it's also consistent with 12 years of practicing divorce law, off and on.

Your experience is contrary?

[Ellen Forradalom]

20. As regards your law practice, two words

(one compound): self-selecting population.

[rwenos]

28. True - Usually They're Completely Toxic

and it really gets sickening when they use the kids against one another. The guys are usually worse. I do better representing the woman, because (being a guy) I know the guy's bullshit, where he hides stuff and how he thinks.

Thankfully not doing much of it these days. But there are certainly a lot of asshole men out there getting divorces.

And (as the father of a 12 year old daughter) I'll NEVER understand how a father can leave his child, without contact and without support.

[BiggJawn]

29. Extremely contrary.

Single, never-married women figure there must be "something wrong" with you if you got dumped, and other divorcees have an ax to grind against their ex's, but they're fresh out of batteries, so it's a "fuck me, then I'll 'fuck' YOU" thing.

I always heard divorce lawyers almost always sleep with their female clients. any truth to that?

[Lydia Leftcoast]

21. LOL!

Once when I was in graduate school, a resident of the apartment building who was pursuing my roommate came to our door wearing a brocade robe (like Jackie Gleason), holding a cigarette in one hand and a cocktail glass in the other. I nearly burst out laughing when I saw him, because he looked like the 1950s idea of a sophisticate.

As per the instructions of my roommate, who was hiding in her room, I told him that she was not in, and was in fact out on a date.

[NewJeffCT]

37. Not to be 1950s, but I agree with him

Before I got married the first time, I rarely dated and was always considered somebody that was "too nice", as in "well, you're a nice guy, but..."

However, as soon as my ex-wife filed for divorce, I got so much interest that I was, frankly, shocked. Women that wouldn't give me the time of day before were suddenly interested, hot college women that ignored me in college liked me now that I was in my early 30s and divorcing...

I'm sure my attitude was a bit different at the time, but it was like night and day. After getting maybe 3-4 dates per year before marriage, I was getting 3-4 dates per week.

[Misunderestimator]

34. It's rare to meet a man who speaks so well for women...

:eyes: ... horny women, no less... :eyes::eyes::eyes::eyes::eyes::eyes::eyes::eyes::eyes::eyes::eyes::eyes::eyes:

[bettyellen]

35. but further down the thread you say the men are assholes.....

and you say it means nothing.....so are all men assholes? or do you prretty much just dislike all your clients, but forgot you judge the men too?
self selecting is right! of the three friends of mine who got divorced, two did it without a lawyer...and the other hammered out the agreement w/ out one, and just needed the paperwork done.
i don't assume anything when i meet a divorced person at all.
maybe that..... they gave it a shot. whatever....

[auntAgonist]

40. utter BS!

[aquaman]

4. I usually think...

That the relationship sucked enough for whatever reason that two people did not want to be married. There are many reasons that people get divorced and the fact is that most of them should. My brother stays married to someone that he hates, it is sad to watch.

[thecai]

5. Could Be Anything

There are numerous reasons for divorce. Many people do not take marriage seriously, and often end up divorcing. It varies from couple to couple.
I'm sorry to hear you are newly divorced. I hope you're all right with it. Take time to grieve before jumping into another relationship.
I'm divorced happily ever after and I Love it!:bounce:

[tcfrogs]

10. Thanks thecai!

I am VERY happy with my divorce. I was miserable, and I think the ex was too.

And a belated welcome to DU! :hi:

[thecai]

14. Thank YOU, TCFrogs!

I collect frogs.
Hello to you! :hi:
Hang in there! It's ALL GOOD.

[NightTrain]

6. Divorce is so common, I don't think twice about it.

[tcfrogs]

7. You are right, NT

but until it actually happens to you (don't know your situation), it's weird.

[BiggJawn]

8. I say "You too?"

"Is this your first? I'm on divorce Nr. 2..."

[alittlelark]

11. I'll be honest and say that I consider it a bit of a stain

PLEASE - no flames. All but 1 divorced person I know either made a bad choice from the start (and kind of knew it) but went along anyway, or there was sexual misconduct (ie-cheating) on their part.

The 1 that I consider completely blameless 'lost' her husband to a head injury (motorcycle w/helmet). Literally - he sent divorce papers, but no one has seen him for almost 2 years.


If the divorced person is at terms with the causes of the break-up I would have no problem - but 90% seem to blame the spouse.

[tcfrogs]

15. No flaming at all

That's the type of response I kind of expected from someone who was being honest.

[Mojambo]

12. None of my business. n/t

[pauliedangerously]

13. Everyone's different...

I've been married and divorced twice...no cheating or anything involved; I'm just a real pain in the ass to live with. My second wife and I are still dating, but that won't last forever....we both know it...but then again, who knows?

My attitude toward marriage has changed a lot in the last ten years. I felt like a loser after my first divorce, but having known lots of people who stay married for the sake of staying married and who are always bitching about their marriages, I know that I made the right decision.

Alfred Lord Tennyson said, "Let the great world forever spin down the ringing groves of change."

We grow up with the thought that marriage is an essential part of life...well, it only is if you believe it is. I don't believe it anymore. I may remarry some day, but I'm not losing any sleep wondering.

Getting divorced is kind of like losing a tooth; there's a void that you're not used to having.

You'll probably have some mood changes over it, but life goes on and now you have a whole new set of paths to take. The emptiness kind of sucks, but it gets better. Just don't get to hung up over it like that guy in "Sideways" did over his ex-wife.

That's my two cents.

[hickman1937]

23. Bingo!

I grew up in a world that said I had to be married to be a real person. It was a load of crap. I married once. People I work with have asked me repeatedly why I never remarried. I tell them that it was like being hit buy a bus. Why would you stand in the road again?

[GoddessOfGuinness]

17. When I was single,

if a guy I was interested in told me he was divorced, I'd proceed with caution. It's understandable really, since a potential love interest is not likely to open up and say, "Yeah...the divorce was my fault. My ex didn't mind my girlfriends, but she couldn't handle the beatings."

Since I'm not looking for companionship, when I meet someone who's divorced, it's no big deal. If they want to talk about it, I'll be glad to listen, but I don't see any point in formulating an opinion about someone based on facts that are none of my business.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

18. I think HEY AT LEAST YOU CAN FUCKING GET MARRIED

so don't whine to me :D (and I think lots of gay folks feel that way)

[tcfrogs]

24. Point well taken! n/t

[Christiana]

19. Depends...

If I were a never married woman looking to date you? I'd probably have to think a little more before making that step...

As a friend? Whatever.

[MADem]

22. I think it depends on the quality of the relationship

...that you have, or seek, with the person who is imparting the information. If someone says, "I'm divorced, got married too young, it lasted four weeks, we parted friends," well, that's one situation; if the person says, with trembling lip, "I'm divorced, the scuzz cheated on me with half of my office, robbed me blind, and ran off with the boss," you have to wonder about the person's judgment in choosing a partner.

Truth is, the minute you toss "I'm divorced," out there, there's a backstory just waiting to be told. Some people are interested in hearing it--those seeking a personal relationship are probably more interested than business acquaintances or casual friends.

[hickman1937]

25. When someone tells me that their divorced,

I just listen. Everyone has a story, and it's always half right.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

26. If it's someone I might be interested in

(as in interested in), I want to know a bit about the circumstances of the divorce. Is he over it? What were the reasons? Has he treated his ex (and any children) decently?

Realistically speaking, never-married men in my age group tend to be gay (out or closeted but obvious to the discerning), mama's boys, or unable to make a commitment. The majority of the "available" men of a certain age are divorced, with a few widowers here and there.

[NNadir]

27. It depends.

I have lots of divorced friends, and sometime the divorce had very little to do with their own character flaws.

Sometimes both people are nice and good people, but they are just not compatible.

I do, however, measure people with the effort they put into protecting their kids from their own failures, including marital failures.

[Modem Butterfly]

30. I assume they've been through a lot

Getting divorced is extremey traumatic, no matter what the circumstances. Depending on the circumstances, I may ask how long, and if it's been recent, I'll extend my sympathies. To paraphrase Chris Rock, "That shit ain't fun,"

Regrdless of the circumstances, I'm sorry about your divorce, tcfrogs, and I hope you're getting along okay.

:hug:

[sendero]

31. The vast majority...

... of marriages end because they never should have began in the first place.

People marry people they do not know well enough, and people get bored and unfulfilled in their marriages so they end them. There was a time when being bored and unfulfilled was considered inevitable, and not a cause for divorce, not any more.

[sendero]

32. I'll say this also..

... if you are divorced you will find that potential new mates will mostly come from the ranks of the also divorced.

Post-mortems on marriages are pretty easy, but in this day and age it doesn't take a lot of bad acting on anyone's part to wind up divorced.

[NewJeffCT]

that is true

With my now ex-wife, we were great as boyfriend/girlfriend and even fiance/fiancee... however, we never lived together and spent so much time having sex that we didn't really realize that I was not ready for marriage relationship-wise - I was painfully shy when I was young and was kind of sucked in with my first regular girlfriend. My ex was very outgoing (I would say she made Robin Williams look like one of those monks that takes a vow of silence...) and I think my calmness was something she needed at the time, but she was not ready for marriage, either.

And, when we had some bad luck right after we got married, things quickly went downhill. However, it quickly became apparent to both of us that we never should have gotten married, or at least lived together first to find out how truly compatible we were on a full time basis.

[NewJeffCT]

38. that is true

With my now ex-wife, we were great as boyfriend/girlfriend and even fiance/fiancee... however, we never lived together and spent so much time having sex that we didn't really realize that I was not ready for marriage relationship-wise - I was painfully shy when I was young and was kind of sucked in with my first regular girlfriend. My ex was very outgoing (I would say she made Robin Williams look like one of those monks that takes a vow of silence...) and I think my calmness was something she needed at the time, but she was not ready for marriage, either.

And, when we had some bad luck right after we got married, things quickly went downhill. However, it quickly became apparent to both of us that we never should have gotten married, or at least lived together first to find out how truly compatible we were on a full time basis.

[RetroLounge]

33. I don't think much about it as a first impression thing

Having gone thru my Divorce which made "War of the Roses" look like a teaparty, and then years later see my (now) wife go thru her divorce which was a hug and a handshake and a friendly goodbye with no ill feelings at all, I know that every case is different, and if the person wants to tell me about it, they will.

RL

[DawgHouse]

36. No big deal

If I were seriously involved with someone, I would definitely be interested in the circumstances that preceded the divorce. But in a normal situation, I don't give it another thought. Now... if someone casually mentions that they just got divorced for the fifth time, I would have questions. But only in my head, I wouldn't blurt out "OH my Gosh, what is WRONG with you?" :)

[SarahB]

39. I have a further problem...

Everyone who is acquainted with my (soon-to-be) ex-husband says, "Why? He's such a nice guy?" While in many ways he is, in many ways for a lot of years with me, he most certainly was not. This whole thing ends up with me being bitch from Hell one way or another. I rarely want to go into detail (rarely is it anyone's business), so frequently, I use the simply line, "I was very young when I got married and sometimes people grow apart." which makes me sound little more than fickle or shallow. I also don't want to cause him problems professionally and some of what were my problems with him in the past could damage him given the nature of his work. So, I get to be the proverbial 'bad guy' in the situation.

[Pithlet]

41. My experience was

No one seemed to think it was a big deal. When I told dates, they didn't even bat an eye. Which is why I'm kind of surprised at some of the responses in this thread.

[Bridget Burke]

42. Divorce is all too common; there can be many reasons.

If I were to get close to someone, details would matter.

When a guy I've just met talks constantly about that bitch, his ex-wife (or those bitches, his ex-wives), a warning light goes off.