One of my co-workers is trashing the other one behind his back

[madison2000]

The 3 of us have to work together 40 hours per week. I only started 3 weeks ago, but I worked there previously, and know the trashee well enough to know he doesn't deserve this at all. Haven't talked to our supervisor about it yet, and he doesn't seem to see through the trasher's complaints and realize there's no substance to it.
She's very competitive, and tearing other people down seems to be part of her strategy. What would you do if you were me, the 3rd party in this triangle?

[murielm99]

1. Tell the trasher you don't want to hear it any more.

It is having a bad effect on your work, morale, etc. Or use some other such bullshit about why you don't want to hear it. You don't have to take the trashee's side, just say you are up to here with the trashing.

If that does not work, then go to the supervisor. Cover your ass. The trasher will trash you otherwise, if he is not already doing so.

[gardenista]

7. Yep, give the supervisor the "heads-up"

and tell the trasher to keep it to him/her self.

[Spinzonner]

2. Let the trasher know that you don't agree

and don't want to be subject to listening to the trashing.

If asked by the supervisor what your opinion is be honest, but be wary of introducing yourself into the issue unless you know there's a real problem for you to contribute a solution to.

Could the supervisor be benignly ignoring the trashing, knowing the trasher and the trashee ?

[madison2000]

4. The supervisor is pretty new at supervising and he is handling it badly

The trashee is a guy who has done good work there for 3 years and has worked with the supervisor as a peer previously. The supervisor ought to know the trashee's work habits as well as anyone.

The trasher is an attractive and flirtatious young female who has been there for 3 months. She toots her own horn all day long and talks to everyone in sight about the trashee. The first few times she talked about him I listened, but I don't agree and I think she is petty and nasty.

I've been there for 3 weeks, but I worked there for 1.5 years previously in another department. I knew the trashee from that position, and I have nothing but good things to say about him based on that.

The supervisor probably enjoys being played up to- but he has been confrontational with the trashee as if the guy has suddenly started doing something wrong. I'm sure I will be asked for an opinion soon.

My gut feeling is that if I don't go along with her she will trash me too. Thats how people like that act. But I plan to be loyal to him because he deserves it.

[MidwestMomma]

5. Have you told the trashee what the trasher is saying?

You might want to warn him about what is happening so he can decide what he wants to do about it.

If he's a nice person, he may have no clue this person is trashing him. He could even be confiding in her.

Other than that, try to stay away from the trashee. Exchange pleasantries only. Don't engage in lengthy conversations with her.

If people see you talking to the trasher a lot, then when she starts saying YOU said this about so and so, they might believe it.

People like this can make a work place miserable. The best solution is to get everyone to shun her. Maybe if you ignore her, she'll go away.

ps It's really good of you to be concerned about your co-worker. I've been at the bad end of someone trashing me to get my job and it sucks when nobody sticks up for you. But it is a very sticky situation. Especially if the trasher becomes the bosses pet and the boss can't see through them. Next thing you know, you're next on her list.

A pox on stupid people. How evil is it to try and make someone lose their job? Office politics suck. And for what, so that person can feel like a big person....

[madison2000]

10. She was off work on Friday so he and I were alone

I brought the subject up. He has never said a word about her- guess what, he's too professional to retaliate. We talked about it on and off all day, and we went to lunch together. He feels deeply hurt. He has done his best work there for a long time and along comes a new person to knock him down and the supervisor seems to take what she says at face value.

I've been the trashee in a recent situation and nobody really stood up for me. Some of the men even thought it was funny, and called it a "catfight". I can't help but feel loyalty towards him. We do tech support and he helped me with some stuff a couple of years ago- he's a really good guy. So I let him know that I am in his corner. When the supervisor asks, I will tell him that the problem here is her behavior. I started being as cold as stone to her on Thursday. Maybe she'll realize it doesn't feel good to be the odd person out in a threesome, because she is making herself into that.

[MidwestMomma]

13. Good for you

The absolute best office I ever worked in, we had a zero tolerance policy for snitches and back stabbers. When we found out someone was a snitch, we cut them off socially at work.

Sounds harsh, but it made it really nice for the rest of us. :)

The problem with some people in management is that they are really bad at handling stuff like this. They should tell the back-stabbing snitcher that don't want to hear it and to get back to work.

My sister was great at handling snitches. They had a chronic snitch in their department. When my sister became supervisor, the very first time the snitch came to tell on someone my sister told her that it was obvious the snitch didn't have enough work to do or she wouldn't have so much time to keep track of what the other people were doing. She also told her that it was kind of insult to her as a supervisor because obviously the snitch didn't think she(my sister) wasn't a competent enough supervisor to keep track of what was happening in the department.

I blame lazy management for enabling snitches and back-stabbers. That's probably how this person got ahead at their prior job. Sadly it sounds like your supervisor is falling for the bullshit.

Good luck. Hang tough together.

[IdaBriggs]

14. "Too professional to retaliate" sounds like a recipe for ---

"soon to be unemployed." I'm not trying to be mean here; part of each person's job is to be able to "play well with others." There are ALWAYS going to be people like the one you are describing in the workplace (hence the popularity of books like "Swim with the Sharks" and stuff like that. DOING your job isn't good enough; dealing with trouble makers is part of it, too. Your back stabber is using the techniques she is using because they are effective.

You have stated you are in a tech support environment. I am sure you are therefore familiar with the fact that some problems have multiple solutions, while "ignoring it" is rarely effective in the long term. Based on the situation you are describing, either a) she needs to change her behavior IMMEDIATELY, or b) one of the two is going to face career problems (as in, unemployment). If jobs are a dime a dozen where you are at, not a problem for him. If he likes regular paychecks, health insurance, and perhaps enjoys his work, then he needs to take her out (figuratively speaking, of course).

I've offered one nasty, but effective method for doing so down below. There are others (including the two of you sitting down with her privately for a discussion, after telling the supervisor you are going to do it, in a head's up way: "Don't want to have to get you involved, because we are all adults, but we're going to sit down with Troubles and see if we can get some of the inter-department conflict resolved without having to make more work for you. Perhaps a nice lunch will help build departmental unity."), while "pretend it isn't happening and then be an innocent victim" are kind of on the not-so-bright end of the scale, in my not-so-humble opinion, of course.

Good luck!

[gardenista]

8. You're right that you're next on the list if you stand up to her

But screw her. She is playing a stupid game, and the minute she starts in on you, too, the supervisor, if he has any brains, will figure out what's going on.

[MichiganVote]

3. Rest assured, you're being trashed too

[IdaBriggs]

6. Agreed. Time to play some politics.

Start taking notes. Record comments, including days and times, including the comments she is making "trashing" the supervisor. Then, go to the supervisor, and explain how you don't think her saying these things to people like (and list the folks she's saying the stuff to) about the supervisor and the other employees is building a productive work environment. Quote from the notes you just HAPPEN to have brought with you, including the date and time. Explain VERY EARNESTLY that you don't like talking behind people's backs, but you are concerned that it is undermining the supervisor's authority when she says (bad thing about the supervisor), and isn't helping to maintain a productive team environment when she says (fill in the blank) about (whoever). Ask politely if they can talk to this woman about NOT being a trouble making gossip, and perhaps concentrating on her job, or, if she doesn't have enough to keep her busy, perhaps she could take over some of the grunt work that isn't being done?

I guarantee the problem will disappear quickly, with her either being fired, or correcting her behavior if she is incapable of stopping her stupidity. The key is YOUR handling the situation with credibility, and making sure the supervisor knows THEY are being bad mouthed. Your supervisor WILL NOT protect either you or your co-worker, but they will watch out for their own career, and someone going around saying "bad things" about them to other people is something that is a threat.

Enjoy!

ON EDIT: Do I have to clarify that you may need to help "encourage" her to say bad things about the supervisor, if she's not volunteering them on her own? This is from the "play to win" school of workplace politics, and should only be used when someone faces career problems because of a manipulative trouble maker....

[MichiganVote]

9. Agreed, and try not be alone w/this person

[KT2000]

11. The trashed one

should do what my sister-in-law did. She heard that a woman in her group was trashing her behind her back. Where did she hear it? From the vice president.
My sister-in-law called a meeting with the other woman and had a list of some of the things the woman had said. She methodically went down the list and asked for her comment about each. The woman was dumbfounded and tried to backtrack and make excuses for herself.

In the end, my sister-in-law stopped the trashing and passed what I think a test from the VP. She made short order of the problem rather than allowing it to get bigger and spread.

I realize this is not exactly like your situation but there must be a lesson in here somewhere.

[amazona]

12. I would pretend I was a deaf-mute

It may not be a very effective way of handling such matters but I'm afraid it's mine.

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of communists
and other subversives. We intend to clean them out,
even if it means rounding up every birdwatcher in the country.
--John Mitchell, US Attorney General 1969-72

[ScreamingMeemie]

15. stay out of it...but keep track of it.

In case, somewhere down the line, you become the trashee. :hi:

[seabeyond]

16. dont be the one to bring to supervisor

silly childish stuff that shouldnt be in work place and will piss supervisor off for having to deal with crap. let the person trashing know you value the other employee and dont like gossip, you wont play. dont say something to the other employee cause then you become a part of the game. if anything results from the crap and there is a need to become involved so be it.

females in work place. i have dealt with it a lifetime. this is the kinda stuff employers hate. it is not there place to have bitch sessions to deal with employee emotions and to do's. we are hired to do a job. it isnt about interaction and getting along. if you dont like a fellow employee, just the way it goes. it isnt a requirement to be friends. it is the employees job not to get sucked up in the drama of it all

silliness and doesnt belong in the work force

[w4rma]

17. Careful. You're next if the trasher hasn't already simultaniously started

on you. Don't back down. Defend the trashee, because you will probably need their help against the trasher and you want them to be promoted, rather than someone who is abusive.

[kick-ass-bob]

18. I'm sure that the OP is already in this woman's sights.

There may not be much history for her to use yet, but you can bet she is accumulating stuff.

[madison2000]

19. I had such a shitty day

Supervisor was criticizing trashee since he seems to have taken the trasher's comments to heart. Trashee takes this out on me by telling me I am doing something all wrong, when in fact I am not. I blow up at trashee and tell him not to treat me like shit. Now he feels even worse. Trasher has a day off, so even though I feel like absolute shit, I manage to work an 8 hour day so that trashee won't be stuck with all the work.

AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGggggggghhh!!!!!!!!!!!'
:spank: :spank: :spank: :spank: :spank: