Whitehouse.org's fake SOTU...closer to the truth than Bush will ever get

[Bush_Eats_Beef]

http://www.whitehouse.org/

http://www.whitehouse.org/news/2005/020205.asp

THE PRESIDENT: Coach Bulldog, Uncle Cheney Sir, Republican toadies, adorable Democratic eunuchs, couch potatoes splattered in Lean Cuisine pasta sauce who will watch me for five minutes, then flip to an infomercial about a whisk/spatula combo:

Tonight, with an economy improving for those in this elite chamber (and our golfing buddies), with tens of dozens of our finest minimum wage jobs still not outsourced to India, with our nation an unstoppable force for spreading bedrock values like empty consumerism, hypocritical moral posturing, and cottage cheese-assed morbid obesity – the state of our union is once again provincial and hubristic. In short, Bush America ROCKS! (Fraternityesque Partisan Hooting.)

We've overcome a recession, mainly by pretending it isn't there. We've opened up new markets abroad, such as the bullet markets in the Middle East, and the American job markets in Asia. We've prosecuted corporate criminals and forced them to pay back a little bit of the money they stole in exchange for a friendly thwack on the heiny and a stern winking to. And in the last year alone, the United States has added 2.3 million new jobs, proving that small, dubious, press-release friendly accounting miracles can happen.

As that miserable Socialist cripple Franklin Roosevelt once reminded Americans, "Each age is a dream that is dying, or one that is coming to birth." Sure, it may be fruity poetry, but there's something to it, because we live in a country that is vastly superior to all those other loser countries. The Home Shopping Network was only a dream – until it was fulfilled. The liberation of Florida blacks from their voting rights was only a dream – until it was achieved. The electoral trouncing of a decorated war hero Senator by an AWOL alcoholic President was only a dream – until, one day, it was accomplished. And moving ahead, we will realize even more fantastic new dreams. The road of Providence is uneven and unpredictable – yet we know where it leads: away from smartypants liberal Massachusetts, due South into the Bible Belt, where a golden-hued future of Christian Taliban theocracy awaits us all. Thank you, and may Jesus Bless His favorite country America.