Nice little flamewar going on at my college radio station's listserv!

[NightTrain]

When I got to WHUS to do my show last weekend, all the swivel chairs were broken. Annoyed, I posted to the station's listserv under the subject line, "What moron destroyed all the swivel chairs in Studio A?" Little did I know the shitstorm that would ignite!

Earlier this evening, one of the 21-year-old know-it-alls at WHUS posted a pompous little diatribe, to which I replied with my usual caustic wit. The exchange follows:

Laura ________ wrote:

> The chairs were shit on Friday a.m. but I was sick, it
> was our last show, and since the chairs have been for
> the entire time I've been in Studio A (since August?)
> by and large falling apart I figured that everyone
> pretty much already knew the chairs were shit.

Wrong! Not three months ago, there were two brand new swivel chairs
in Studio A. (At least they looked brand new.) Hence, not all the
chairs have been shit since August.

> Moreover, do we want to track down who was responsible
> for brushing against it one last time?

"Brushing against it?" Did you actually see those chairs? They look
like they were run over by a goddamned bulldozer! That does *not*
happen through normal wear and tear. It happens when a chair is
attacked by the human equivalent of a gorilla in heat.

> I've been thinking though.

You must have a broad definition of "thinking."

> Maybe we can track down
> who knew the chairs were shit BEFORE August...I mean
> before I got here and noticed that the pretty much all
> the chairs sucked and were on their last wheels and
> legs. I suggest that we could take measurements of
> people's butts as well as hook us all up to equipment
> that will measure the force with which our butts hit a
> seat when we sit down. I also recommend we measure
> seater wiggle (magnitude and frequency), standing up
> (fluid or not), and an assessment of consideration.

Before we can take YOUR butt measurements, we'll have to pull your
head out of it.

> Once we have all this information, I am sure that we
> can narrow down the potential culprits to at least 20
> people who might have contributed to the slow (by my
> judgment) deterioration of the furniture more than any
> other individual or group of individuals.

Yeah, it's great to be cavalier about the destruction of property
that you yourself did not have to purchase. Someday, when you no
longer live in mommy and daddy's basement, perhaps you'll learn to
give a shit about property destruction and its cost.

And if three months is your idea of "slow deterioration," you must
be genetically related to the tsetse fly.

--Dean F. (Sarcastic but never condescending!)

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

1. LMAO at re'butt'al below:

Before we can take YOUR butt measurements, we'll have to pull your
head out of it