I'm Determined to be King

[Zomby Woof]

I'm Determined to Be King
Music & Lyrics: John Forster

The following cell phone conversation was intercepted recently in Great Britain. Though it has been edited, none of it is made up. Would that it were.

Camilla: Oh, Charles...I can't bear a Sunday night without you. I can't start the week without you.
Charles: I fill up your tank.
Cam: Yes, you do.
Chas: Then you can cope.
Cam: Then I'm all right.
Chas: Trouble is, I need you several times a week.
Cam: Mmmm. I need you all week, all the time.
Chas: Oh, God, I'll just live in your trousers or something.
Cam: What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers?
Chas: Or a tampax!
Cam: What a wonderful idea! Perhaps you could come back as a box.
Chas: What sort of box?
Cam: A box of tampax.
Chas: Oh yes, I see!
Cam: Night night, my darling.
Chas: Darling.
Cam: I do love you.
Chas: Try and ring.
Cam: Love you, darling.
Chas: Night, Darling.
Cam: I do love you.
Chas: Love you, too. Don't want to say good-bye.
Cam: Well done for that. You're a clever old thing. An awfully good brain lurking there, isn't there? Now give it a rest. Night night.
Chas: Night, darling. God bless.
Cam: I do love you and I'm so proud of you.
Chas: Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Cam: Don't be silly. I've never achieved anything.
Chas: Yes, you have.
Cam: No I haven't.
Chas: Your great achievement is to love me.
Cam: Oh, darling. Easier than falling off a chair.
Chas: You suffer all these indignities and tortures and calumnies.
Cam: That's love. Night night.

I've been a naughty Neddy.
I've botched a marriage, let a people down.
But now some Horrid Harolds
Say this makes me unfit to wear the crown.
Aside from feeling cross and somewhat persecuted
I'm feeling at a loss to think of other work for which I'm suited.

I need a sinecure/ Where, when your judgment's poor,
It doesn't repercuss.
Where lack of common sense/ And rank incompetence
Are actually a plus!
Where you are much admired,
Where you cannot be fired
And all the world your praises blindly sing.
If I cannot be a tampon
I'm determined to be king.

As head of Church of England
It's true the king exerts a moral force.
But since its very founding
The whole point of our church has been divorce.
Diana's but a modern Anne of Cleves, without a doubt.
This Henry's had his fill of her. Now show the lady out.

She's bred some lovely heirs/ But like all tired mares,
To pasture she must go.
I'm such a randy wag. / I've other quail to bag.
Camiller, tally-ho!
How sad my true ambition
Can never reach fruition!
I'll never get to trail that funny little string.
But if I cannot be a tampon
I'm determined to be king.

If that cardboard applicator can't ensheathe me.
At least I'll sit where everyone's beneath me
Upon the throne my mummy must bequesthe me.
Oh, I am determined
I am determined to be king.

(c) Limousine Music Co. (ASCAP)