If I were president, I'd abolish Valentine's Day

[CTLawGuy]

I would claim that it was developing weapons of mass distruction. Sure the UN would send in inspectors, but I'd just claim they were irrelevant.

Then I'd circulate the Valentine's Day War Resolution, or VDWR. Then Tom Daschle, Joe Lieberman, John Edwards and John Kerry would vote for it rather than risk being seen as soft on national security.

They'd ignore the thousands of emails from raving looneys saying Valentine's Day is a "holiday", not a "country", and it can't possess ANYTHING, much less WMDs. I would call these "letter-writers" "terrorists" and "unpatriotic".

After the war resolution passed I'd claim the war would cost no more than 27 CENTS A DAY!!!!, and that we'd be welcomed with flowers and hugs by the newly freed boy- and girlfriends.

Then after many months, and billions of dollars (a day), and many wounded soldiers (huh?), I'd claim the war was going well, even though our troops are sitting ducks. After attacking a Hallmark, one division sustained massive paper cuts which made the troops very unhappy. I think the best solution is to ban photographs of the paper cuts, which I reason would disturb and dishonor the victim's families.

At which point DUers become outraged that I sent troops into battle without adequate bandaids and ointment. John Kerry starts claiming his vote for VDWR wasnt a vote for a war, but he was voting to congratulate the Pope on his 199th birthday. Then 2 years later he will claim he misheard the question because the air conditioning was on that day and he has trouble hearing. (Never mind that it's February).

Of course Howard Dean will come into the picture, and he will gain steam and credibility by saying "Hey, the frikken president is attacking a holiday! It makes no sense! YEEEARGH!!!" The DLC will claim he is "unelectable" and soft on national security. They will cite polls that show that an anti-war-on-valentines-day candidate would do 5 points worse than a pro-war candidate. John Kerry will pull ahead toward the end, claiming he once shredded a bunch of old christmas cards, so he has "foreign policy experience".

Kerry ends up winning the nomination on the backs of people who didn't pay attention until the last minute. Then a bunch of former college classmates to whom Kerry once denied entrance into a Skull and Bones Poetry Slam come forward (at my behest... oops, I mean INDEPENDENTLY)with ads saying Kerry never really shredded old cards, but instead he sort of ripped at them, and casually threw them in the trash when they didn't come apart. Kerry responds by saying "What?.. what do you want, I'm parasailing, and getting my picture taken."

My courageous war will end up carrying me to reelection because my opponent is John Kerry. All he says about my war is that he would have done the same thing, though he would have waited a little longer, and asked Canada if they could possibly be troubled to help. The voters barely drag themselves out of bed and, looking at the choices, and crying, vote for me.

Now I am reelected and I can thank my courageous war on valentines day. Hooray and praise Jebus.

[ktowntennesseedem]

1. If you really want to abolish it, I have an easier way.

Just tell everyone that Cupid is gay, and point out that he runs around in his diapers with a deadly weapon that is endangering little kids!

[montana_hazeleyes]

4. good one !

[Rhiannon12866]

2. What an inspired post!

You've got my vote!:kick:

[montana_hazeleyes]

3. Great post

!