My cheating drug addicted wife wants me back

[salinen]

Oy veh! She cheated on me once years ago. And she smokes pot 24/7. Just to get the story right. I found out about the other guy from her sister only a month ago. She has treated me poorly since the affair, and she moved out 6 months later. Now she wants to try again.

O.K. yes, I love her. But how do I accept her back into my life without being a chump? She seems all set to resume her life with me as usual. I'm not. She wants nothing to do with following any practice that she doesn't like. She has abandoned anyone who disagrees with her on anything, or questions her. I am just about the only person who tolerates her.

Marriage counseling is starting next week. What do you guys think?

[Dark]

1. The weed isn't that bad. But,

once a cheater, always a cheater. I hate to say this, but I have yet to meet someone who only cheated once. . .

[Misunderestimator]

8. I'm going to have to second that.

It's been my experience as well. I really have simple needs from a relationship... love, trust, loyalty and honesty. I can excuse a lot of things, but not a lack of one of those.

[Catch22Dem]

9. Not true

Not going to go into a whole thing here, but your statement "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't necessarily true 100% of the time. Maybe if he gets her off the weed (a lot of times it's not the weed, but the people associated with the weed that can fuck things up) then maybe she'll straighten out.

I'd like to give the original poster some hope because it sounds like he does love her.

[Misunderestimator]

14. For me it's a matter of priorities... honesty and loyalty trump pot.

Sure, there's hope for the relationship with counseling, and I've seen relationships work after one or the other cheated. It's just been my experience that it doesn't work. I've tried in the past, but I just can't trust someone who has betrayed my trust for months being intimate with another person. So when it happened in my last relationship... the decision was easy for me to leave. And I couldn't be happier that I did, as I was open to a much better relationship.

[KittyWampus]

21. He Can't "Get Her Off The Weed". The Only Person Who Can Straighten

an addict is the addict. They have to WANT help, seek help and the accept help by and FOR themselves.

[thecai]

73. Weed Is Only PSYCHOLOGICALLY Addictive

With only a 5 day withdrawl, symptoms being a craving of weed.

[KittyWampus]

86. If You Need To Smoke That Much Pot, You've Got Issues That Go A Lot

deeper than physical addiction to a substance.

[thinkingwoman]

13. that's not true

in my first marriage (a very traditional one), we both cheated on each other for the entire 7 years.

In my second marriage (an open marriage because I was shellshocked from the first one), we've been completely monogamous for 10 years. Neither has ever seriously considered exercising the open marriage option.

There's either a commitment or there isn't. There is either love and trust or there isn't.

But people cheat for all kinds of reasons and those reasons do not always repeat.

P.S. Since I'm the first cheater you've ever met not to cheat again...Hi, I'm a middle aged mother of two happily monogamous for a decade. Glad to meet you. Now you know one. ;-)

[Dark]

26. Yea, but would you be cheating if you were still with your old husband?

I don't think she would stay faithful. She is just hoping he'll take her back and she'll be supported by him. Even if she means well, this is her motive, whether it is her primary or ulterior.

[thinkingwoman]

42. no, because one of us

would most likely be dead by now.

[KittyWampus]

20. The Weed Isn't That Bad? She's Dependant On Drugs. That Is Toxic

in any healthy relationship.

[Dark]

23. Would you say the same of cigarettes, which are infinately more

destructive, are just as toxic?

Weed isn't bad. Stop believing that drug war propaganda.

[KittyWampus]

56. Stop Believing The Drug Abusers Propaganda. Smoking Pot

throughout the day, every day or being dependant on it is addiction.

I smoked pot for years til I got sick of it.

And as someone who also no longer smokes cigarettes (I used to hand roll Drum), I wouldn't be able to live with someone who chain smokes or has more than the occassional smoke.

[woofless]

29. Spare us please. There is no HARM in smoking reefer.

Who are you listening to? The evidence is overwhelming that marijuana is beneficial to humans. I have known countless dopers in my time and they are all pretty easy to get along with.

Woof

[wyldwolf]

31. so are the alcoholics I've known in my life. Most of the tobacco users..

..too.

[woofless]

38. If you are saying the toxic effects of tobacco and alcohol

are shared by cannabis, therefore making reefer just as harmful, you are simply misinformed.

Woof

[wyldwolf]

41. not what I'm saying, BUT...

you DID say yhere is no HARM in smoking reefer and that you have known countless dopers in your time and they are all pretty easy to get along with.

There is harm in smoking it. YOU are misinformed if you don't think there is. Science disagrees with you.

And, like you, I have known alcoholics and tobacco users who were "all pretty easy to get along with."

[Dark]

45. Cannabis is not harmless, but it is not harmful either. n/t

[wyldwolf]

46. science disagrees with you

[Dark]

48. Actually, science agrees with me.

Number of mortalities due to cannabis: 0

A joint may have 4 times more carcinogens than a cigarette, but who smokes 20 joints a day?

Cannabis has no withdrawal. No tolerance, and therefore no addictive qualities.

The only problems associated with cannabis are short term memory difficulties and lack of motivation, one of which only occurs during intoxication and the other is believed to be due to habitual use.

[salinen]

51. The Cannabis is probably not the problem

It's the dependence on a way to escape reality that is the problem.

[Ron Green]

77. You hit the nail on the head here, but your post got lost in the middle of

a "pot is dangerous"....."pot is not dangerous" war. I believe that your wife smokes pot 24/7 to take away the pain of life, just as another poster here said he smokes it to relieve chronic pain. The error, of course, is that the pain of life is the very thing we have to notice, feel, acknowledge and work through, and smoking pot all the time simply short-circuits that process.

If she's willing (along with you) to agree that dealing with life's natural pain is her new plan, then I think your marriage has a good chance.

[wyldwolf]

54. actually, science disagrees with you

Number of mortalities due to cannabis: 0

While it is true that no deaths due to diseases have been recorded from marijuana use, that doesn't take into account deaths occuring while unde the influence of pot.

A joint may have 4 times more carcinogens than a cigarette, but who smokes 20 joints a day?

I'm not sure the point you're trying to make here. By your statement, one joint is four times as harmful as one cigarette.

Smoking marijuana regularly (a joint a day) can damage the cells in the bronchial passages which protect the body against inhaled microorganisms and decrease the ability of the immune cells in the lungs to fight off fungi, bacteria, and tumor cells. For patients with already weakened immune systems, this means an increase in the possibility of dangerous pulmonary infections, including pneumonia, which often proves fatal in AIDS patients.

Marijuana smoke and cigarette smoke contain many of the same toxins, including one which has been identified as a key factor in the promotion of lung cancer. This toxin is found in the tar phase of both, and it should be noted that one joint has four times more tar than a cigarette, which means that the lungs are exposed four-fold to this toxin and others in the tar.

Cannabis has no withdrawal. No tolerance, and therefore no addictive qualities.

Though many people believe it isn't, marijuana is physically addicting. Each year, 100,000 people in the United States alone are treated for marijuana dependence. Heavy marijuana smokers who quit smoking may experience the same symptoms of withdrawal as users of nicotine or other drugs.

http://www.familyeducation.com/article/0,1120,68-7516,00.html

[Dark]

59. No, science agrees with me

"Number of mortalities due to cannabis: 0

While it is true that no deaths due to diseases have been recorded from marijuana use, that doesn't take into account deaths occuring while unde the influence of pot. "

Wrong.

"Not really. The marijuana using public has the same or lower rate of automobile accidents as the general public. Studies of marijuana smoking while driving showed that it does affect reaction time, but not nearly as much as alcohol. Also, those who drive `stoned' have been shown to be less foolish on the road (they demonstrate `increased risk aversion'.) Recent studies have emphasized that alcohol is the major problem on our highways, and that illicit drugs do not even come close to being as dangerous."

http://www.erowid.org/plants/cannabis/cannabis_faq1.shtml#3-19

A joint may have 4 times more carcinogens than a cigarette, but who smokes 20 joints a day?

I'm not sure the point you're trying to make here. By your statement, one joint is four times as harmful as one cigarette.

Smoking marijuana regularly (a joint a day) can damage the cells in the bronchial passages which protect the body against inhaled microorganisms and decrease the ability of the immune cells in the lungs to fight off fungi, bacteria, and tumor cells. For patients with already weakened immune systems, this means an increase in the possibility of dangerous pulmonary infections, including pneumonia, which often proves fatal in AIDS patients.

Marijuana smoke and cigarette smoke contain many of the same toxins, including one which has been identified as a key factor in the promotion of lung cancer. This toxin is found in the tar phase of both, and it should be noted that one joint has four times more tar than a cigarette, which means that the lungs are exposed four-fold to this toxin and others in the tar.

What I am pointing out is that although one joint has more four times as many carcinogens than one cigarette, one pack of cigarettes have at least five times as many carcinogens as one joint. And few people smoke five joints every day.

Many, however, smoke MORE THAN one pack of cigs each day. Tobacco smokers get a larger dose of carcinogens than pot smokers.

As for the lung infection part, not true: http://www.cannabis.com/untoldstory/hemp_9.shtml

1997 UCLA School of Medicine study (Volume 155 of the American Journal of Respiratory & Critical Care Medicine) conducted on 243 marijuana smokers over an 8-year period reported the following: "Findings from the long-term study of heavy, habitual marijuana smokers argue against the concept that continuing heavy use of marijuana is a significant risk factor for the development of chronic lung disease." "Neither the continuing nor the intermittent marijuana smokers exhibited any significantly different rates of decline in lung function as compared with those individuals who never smoked marijuana." The study concluded: "No differences were noted between even quite heavy marijuana smoking and nonsmoking of marijuana."

And as for the AIDS patients, Marijuana is often prescribed to help with the severe nausea associated with HIV medicine. So it actually HELPS them keep their life saving medicine down.

"Today, AIDS patients use marijuana to treat their symptoms without any aparrent problems. Some studies suggest that marijuana may actually stimulate certain forms of immunity. Researchers have tried to show major effects on the healthy human's immune system, but if marijuana does have any substantial effects, good or bad, they are either too subtle or too small to notice."

http://www.erowid.org/plants/cannabis/cannabis_faq1.shtml#3-25

Cannabis has no withdrawal. No tolerance, and therefore no addictive qualities.

Though many people believe it isn't, marijuana is physically addicting. Each year, 100,000 people in the United States alone are treated for marijuana dependence. Heavy marijuana smokers who quit smoking may experience the same symptoms of withdrawal as users of nicotine or other drugs.

Wrong also.

"arijuana produces no withdrawal symptoms no matter how heavy it is used. It is habit forming (psychologically addictive), but not physically addictive. The majority of people who quit marijuana don't even have to think twice about it. Comparing marijuana to addictive drugs is really quite silly."

http://www.erowid.org/plants/cannabis/cannabis_faq1.shtml#3-19

[wyldwolf]

64. Sorry, science disagrees with you

For the first point, I made no claim that pot use causes more auto accidents. You assumed I did, though. This is what I said:

While it is true that no deaths due to diseases have been recorded from marijuana use, that doesn't take into account deaths occuring while unde the influence of pot.

Kaiser Health researchers have published a study showing that marijuana use is correlated with a significant increase in the risk of hospitalization due to injuries. The study, published in the April 2003 edition of the Annals of Epidemiology, covered 64,657 subjects from Northern California, of whom 13,971 were current marijuana users. Researchers found that among men, current marijuana users had a 28% higher rate of hospitalization due to injuries than non-users; among women, the increase was 37%.

http://www.canorml.org/healthfacts/kaiseraccidentstudy.html

What I am pointing out is that although one joint has more four times as many carcinogens than one cigarette, one pack of cigarettes have at least five times as many carcinogens as one joint. And few people smoke five joints every day.

Many users do - including the one this thread is about. But that is really irrelevant. The point of this subthread was that pot isn't dangerous. Which it clearly is.

The UCLA study you quote was conducted by a Dr. Tashkin, who measured the lung function of 131 heavy marijuana users, 112 smokers who used both tobacco and marijuana, 65 tobacco smokers, and 86 nonsmokers in Los Angeles (Tashkin et al. Am Journ Respiratory and Critical Care Medicine</I> 155:141 -148, 1997). Participants were tested up to six times over seven years, but only 75% (255) of the subjects were followed up. The use of marijuana did not cause a decline in lung function by itself nor did it worsen the decline of lung function observed in tobacco smokers. The test for lung function used in this study, FEV, measures the amount of air expelled from the lung after one second and is used to test lung function in patients with emphysema and obstructive lung disease. The author comments, and has shown previously, that marijuana causes precancerous changes in lung cells, and bronchitis in people who smoke the drug alone, similar to those changes noted in tobacco smokers (Tashkin, D. et al Am Rev Resp Dis 135:209-216, 1987). While marijuana is not, according to those data, a risk for chronic lung disease, there is a higher incidence of acute bronchitis, chronic bronchitis, infection, and probably malignancy. The lung function test does not exclude those effects of marijuana and, as the authors state, "the data do not imply that regular marijuana smoking is free of harmful pulmonary effects."

The results of this study need to be put in context since it was done in Los Angeles and all groups had a decrease in this lung function with age. This change, which may be due to environmental factors such as smog, makes it difficult to detect adverse changes with this small number of patients since lung function declines in everybody in the study. The follow-up period is short for chronic emphysema, and only 65% of participants were followed. Also, the group not followed (35% of total initial participants) may not be representative. For example, during this period eight marijuana/tobacco smokers, two marijuana smokers, and three tobacco smokers died compared to one nonsmoker. The non-smoker died of breast cancer whereas AIDS (two deaths), violence (three deaths), suicide (one death), and drug overdose (one death), were all seen in marijuana users. For a 25-49 year old age group this is a high death rate, i.e., 4% for marijuana users, 4% for tobacco users and 1.1 % for non-smokers. The only conclusive outcome of this study is that marijuana smoking, like tobacco, has serious negative impact on life expectancy.

http://www.sarnia.com/groups/antidrug/research/1997-07.htm

And as for the AIDS patients, Marijuana is often prescribed to help with the severe nausea associated with HIV medicine. So it actually HELPS them keep their life saving medicine down.

But we weren't discussing whether pot is helpful but, rather, if it is harmful. Some things can help and hurt. Milk has good benefits and bad benefits, for example. So does alcohol for that matter.

But the point being raised in regards to AIDS, as proven by science, is that smoking marijuana regularly (a joint a day) can damage the cells in the bronchial passages which protect the body against inhaled microorganisms and decrease the ability of the immune cells in the lungs to fight off fungi, bacteria, and tumor cells. For patients with already weakened immune systems, this means an increase in the possibility of dangerous pulmonary infections, including pneumonia, which often proves fatal in AIDS patients.

As for physical addiction, sure - marijuana isn't classified as physically addictive but it does build physical tolerance. Researchers and health professionals have long maintained that marijuana is psychologically addictive. Recent research, like that of a University of Connecticut Health Center study conducted by Ronald Kadden, Ph.D. shows that marijuana is also physically addictive, although withdrawal effects after discontinuing use are not as debilitating as those seen with alcohol, heroin, cocaine, amphetamine or barbiturate dependence.

But all this is really just irrelevant at this point. Like I said earlier, the point of this subthread was that pot isn't dangerous. Which it clearly is.

We weren't discussing it's level of danger, or how it compared to other drugs legal and illegal, or even if users could handle the dangers. The statement was made that "There is no HARM in smoking reefer."

But there clearly is.

Even though I advocate it being legal or at least decriminalized.

[gardenista]

83. Oh, the Zen of denial.

Sorry, but smoking cannabis is harmful to your lungs.

Habitual use can cause apathy and paranoia.

I've seen it happen to many, many daily users.

Edit: spelling

[SarahB]

36. Hmmmm....

No, it's not that bad (I have done it myself a time or two). My personal opinion is that daily users are just not quite capable of handling life or reality and it's just an escape like anything else. Who's to say it's worse than a glass or two of wine? It isn't really, but daily use of anything is a dependency and emotional crutch. I'm not trying to make an attack, but think about it.

[Dark]

43. Everyone has something they use to relax.

Weed isn't like alcohol where there are strong links to violence, nor tobacco where there are strong links to cancer.

[SarahB]

47. Not everyone uses a chemical substance to relax.

Some people exercise or have sex or journal or lots of other things to handle stress.

[Dark]

49. Correct. But for those who do, what is wrong with them choosing

to relax this way, and with such a relatively innocuous substance?

[SarahB]

52. If they want to...

and they themselves and their SO are fine with it, I don't care. It's their business. I have my own preferences in my life, but I'm not the judgment committee on other people's choices. :shrug:

[KittyWampus]

87. NOTHING. Smoking A Small Amount Of Dope At Day's End Is Fine

if that's what floats your boat.

That's very different then getting high as soon as you wake up, in the middle of the day or getting wasted every night.

[KittyWampus]

53. I Smoked Pot For Years. Spare Us Your Righteous Indignation. Smoking

24/7 or having it as a central theme in your life is addiction.

[thecai]

71. Mildest Drug On Earth

I agree with woofless. I'd feel safer to have everyone on the highway high on pot than have one drunk driver.
It would take smoking 1500 pounds of pot in 15 minutes to OD, and there is no drug on earth safer than that, IMHO.:smoke:

[bobthedrummer]

60. You have to end this and get on with life. Are there children involved?

If not, it's a lot easier to move on.

on edit: Pot isn't the problem here, I smoke daily to reduce chronic pain, I'm disabled.

[livinginphotographs]

2. I'm not in the situtation, so ultimately, you'll have to make your own

decision. But I say leave her and move on. Counseling seems like a waste of money at this point.

[bloom]

3. Don't expect her to change....

It's not impossible. But don't expect it. Don't kid yourself.

[saigon68]

4. Time to bail out of this flaming plane

Cut your losses--- until this person hits ROCK BOTTOM there is no hope for change.

In a lot of cases that's DEATH.

[bettyellen]

32. death by marijauna? LOL.

[wyldwolf]

5. trial basis

I think taking her back will show how much of a real man you are. Take her back on a trial basis if you really love her. If she's just a habit, move on. Set ground rules if you take her back, though.

Marriage counseling works wonders.

But only if YOU want to. You're not obligated to take her back so don't think you are.

[KittyWampus]

25. "How Much Of A Man" Poster Is? How About How Much Of An Enabler.

This woman needs to straighten her shit out for herself.

Opening poster, if he's a "real man" will start figuring out why he coupled with a drug addict woman who ends up cheating on him.

[wyldwolf]

28. yeah, what I said

It does take a strong person, in his case a strong man, to work things out if you love the person.

If you have a problem with what I said, so be it. This isn't a political debate and I don't really give a rat's ass if you agree with me.

If he's in love with her, he should try to effect change with her and be with her and take care of her. That takes a big, real person to do that.

If she is merely a habit, she should be cut loose.

[KittyWampus]

88. WyldWolf, If You Read This... I Think I Understand What You're Saying

and if i get it correctly, it would be a VERY exceptional person who could give someone the space and assistance they need without allowing themselves to sucked in emotionally.


Sorry for misinterpreting your post.

[thinkingwoman]

6. run, save yourself

love isn't always enough, especially if you're married to a user.

I divorced my user 10 years ago and married someone better. I've never regretted it.

[Joe Power]

58. I'll second that!

Not taking back my crackhead ex was tough...and the best thing I've ever done for everyone concerned.

[thecai]

75. Crack Doesn't Compare

To weed. A comedian once said "comparing crack to marijuana is like comparing bananas to ouzis". (sp?)

[Joe Power]

81. It is the behavior, not the drug

If the behavior was intolerable before, then why would it be more tolerable now? Alcohol isn't as bad as crack, either...but that doesn't make living with an alcoholic any more tolerable.

[amazona]

7. I think any chance you have to free yourself of an addict

Take it. Sorry I wouldn't go back with someone who smoked pot 24/7. Cheating once, years ago, is a separate issue, as I'm guessing a majority of married couples would have such an incident buried somewhere in the past. But the constant drug use is uncalled for. Does this mean she doesn't work and will be mooching off you? Even shit jobs test for drug use now.

If you don't stay away from her, you'll keep stirring up the feelings and stay in love with her. Counseling in this case will keep the emotions stirred. I see nothing you have to gain financially or emotionally by taking this course.

Run, Salinen, run for your life, is my advice.

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of communists
and other subversives. We intend to clean them out,
even if it means rounding up every birdwatcher in the country.
--John Mitchell, US Attorney General 1969-72

[Ilsa]

10. What is motivating her to change?

Sorry, but I don't feel very optimistic about her track record. Her past behavior might be a very good indicator of her future behavior.

[Bronco69]

11. There's an old saying

"Once someone shows you how they are, don't make them have to show you again." :-)

[The Blue Flower]

12. You don't trust her

Once trust has been broken, it can take years to rebuild trust again. To rebuild trust, she has to admit to her mistakes and truly want to change. But you say she won't listen to anything she doesn't want to hear. You can't go back to "as usual", which you probably already know, but without her actively working to restore and rebuild, counseling really is a waste of time, energy, and money.

[B Calm]

15. I hope the marriage counsling works for you and her. I cheated

on my wife in 1987. Thanks to a very loving wife, we are still married. It was the worst thing I ever done, and inexcusable. We have been married now 29 years, raised a beautiful son and are looking forward to our retirement years. I know you have a rough road ahead, so I hope you have the strength and love.. It can be done!

[salinen]

35. That's wonderful

I hope we can have that kind of success.

[LostInAnomie]

16. I wouldn't

Sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen (the marriage that is). Save yourself the time and trouble and start out with someone new.

[Spinzonner]

17. Get armored underwear

because you're going to get kicked in the ass again.

Love isn't anough to have a life together. It may be an important if not essential component, but it can't make up for the absence of many other things.

[mazzarro]

18. Heeellllooooo! are you there at all?

You have the answer to your questions already -
"She wants nothing to do with following any practice that she doesn't like. She has abandoned anyone who disagrees with her on anything, or questions her. I am just about the only person who tolerates her."

She has not really made any effort on her part to change and make amends for what she may have done wrong in the marriage. I think it will be a monumental mistake on your part to get back with her!

[Flammable Materials]

19. Pot's not addictive.

If your wife was on crack or meth or heroin, I'd sympathize with your statement. Instead, I see a man looking for extra labels to smear the woman he claims he still loves.

Forgive me for being judgmental, but I think you're best without each other.

[salinen]

22. Perhaps I am unfairly labeling her

but, Pot not being addictive!, boy you have something to learn.

[1monster]

39. Pot can be addictive. I had a very dear friend once, who was addicted

to pot. She couldn't get through the day with out a joint. When the town dried up after a big pot bust, she went up to total strangers asking where she could score a joint. She smoked while driving with her two children, whom she adored, in the car with her. She kept marijuana in her father's house when he was completley supporting her and her children after her divorce. Her father's only request for all of his help was that she not bring any drugs into the house.

When she couldn't get marijuana, or a day went by without a fix, she got frantic. It wasn't pleasant to be around. It was also scary, because, had she been stopped while smoking weed and driving with me in the car, I would have been arrested too. That thought never phased her even when I brought it up.

[SarahB]

24. The cheating is worse, but...

You have every right to decide whether or not you want pot-smoking as a part of your marriage. Was it something there at the beginning or did she take it up later expecting you to just happily shut up and accept it? No, it's not like heroin (or even alcohol) in terms of physical addiction, but someone who is a regular user is distancing themselves and not quite fully there. Once in awhile is one thing. Every day is something else all together. If you are a nonsmoker (or rare smoker) it not only gets a little old after awhile, but pretty expensive too.

[salinen]

30. She always enjoyed an occasional smoke

early in the marriage. Then it became daily. And now it is hourly. I'm a rare smoker. Her being an addict takes the fun out of being high together for special moments.

It is old, expensive, and she is never fully there. I see myself as being damaged for my acceptance and enabling character. Whether we stay together or not, I need help.

[SarahB]

44. I was there.

Well, in his case, it was 3-4 times a day. He used to smoke a lot before we were married, but was in recovery, so he did nothing until 7 years into our marriage, then relapsed and all bets were off (well, except coke, thankfully, he didn't go there again). He quit over a year ago to save our marriage, but it still felt like it was too late because the emotional detachment was already so strong, but he DID quit because I was more important than the drug. I think that says something. In the meantime, he reaped his own benefits. He got a better job, began to prepare for grad school, etc. Despite our ups and downs and our relationship, he realizes he's a lot better off now without it.

[salinen]

50. Are you still married to him?

I feel secondary to the addiction. Given the choice, she'd take her the drug over anything. Being sober is an awful state for her. I am so confused over this mess. Other complications in life are easier and expected, but this takes me to a place where I am most incompetent and unhappy.

[SarahB]

55. We're going through a divorce now.

It will be final in 3 months. At times I'm not so sure because he has made a lot of effort and on some level, I still love him, but it's at a different place than his is. I don't know if I can live that way forever. Probably not, but admittedly he was right in saying I didn't try much after he quit and instead cut it off. I guess when it feels like your trust is broken over and over, you kind of have to detach just to survive emotionally.

I could do whatever I wanted at this point financially and I'm not afraid to be alone. I had someone else I was starting a relationship with someone who made a lot of claims of how many feelings he had for me then made a choice to completely flake out on me apparently, so I'm probably not in a very good place to make much of any decision. Everything just pretty much sucks at the moment in all honesty.

[salinen]

57. I can't help but

get weepy after reading your last post. I'm so sorry that life is sucky for you now. You've always been a good friend to me, in a du way, and I want to hear from you someday that you are happy. Hang in there.

[gardenista]

84. Have you thought about counseling or a group

for codependence or something like ALANON?

I was in an eight year relationship with a daily, hourly pot user. I didn't know how much he was using until we broke up and friends enlightented me. It was exactly the same feeling, that he was never really fully there. I realized much later how bad his addiction was, and that I was never going to break through that.

It took a long time, and a lot of false starts, but we finally broke up for good, and I went on to get married to a man who adores me, is always there for me, and who, ironically, has never smoked.

I hear throught the grapevine that my ex is still living with his brother, still smoking daily, and has not had a relationship since. It's very sad to me, but he has chosen to live a very limited existence, and the pot has everything to do with it.

Reminds me of the commercial where the two guys in their thirties are in a room hitting on a bong, and one says, "I don't know what's so bad about pot. I've been smoking since highschool, and I haven't changed." A few seconds later his mom calls up the stairs, "Son, it's time to take out the trash, it's been sitting there for two days" Or something like that.

I know I'll get accused of spreading "anti-pot" propaganda. That's what my ex would say, too.

[1monster]

27. You have to do what's right for you. Marriage counseling is the first

step and the right one for YOU. If there is no way to make the marriage work, then that marriage counseling can turn into divorce counseling to help you reajust to your new life.

My advice would be to hold off letting her move back in until you have met with the counselor and gotten some ground rules set up.

Decide what it is you cannot live without in the marriage and tell the counselor and your wife. Have her do the same. It is a beginning.

One BIG caveat: If you decide to try and make the marriage work, her affair is history. Forgive it and seal it off. She needs to understand why so that it doesn't happen again. (If it is something lacking in the marriage, it must be addressed by both of you. If it is something lacking in her, she needs to find a way to overcome it.) Both of you need to make sure that it is does not become a blame game, for therein lies the complete demise of the relationship and ill feelings that will last for years to come.

[salinen]

33. Yikes!

I understand the forgive and seal it off statement.

[welshTerrier2]

34. people can change; most people don't

first piece of advice: take it very, very slow ...

i wouldn't start out with "envisioning a reconciliation" or worse yet actually getting back together ...

if you're willing to invest in this woman, do it wisely and cautiously ... take your time ...

is she seeking reconciliation because she has learned and has changed or are you today's "as good as she can get" ??? the standard for the evidence you should require from her should be extremely high ... you not only didn't provide any evidence in your post that "she was a different person", you made it sound like she was even more strongly entrenched in some very bad behavior patterns ...

there is no "right" answer here ... either you slam the door and refuse to replay the same old scene or you leave the door open ... the price of emotionally damaging relationships can be devastating ... no matter how much you love her and want it to "all be nice" won't make it so ... use your head not your heart ...

your wife needs to make major changes in how she values people, relationships and herself ... absent that, you'll just be signing up for act II of the same play ...

btw, i would lay off the pot smoking business ... it's her job to change and to convince you she's changed ... whether she chooses to smoke pot or not doesn't change that ... it would be better for you not to be laying down a bunch of rules and regulations ... your only requirement is that she has to give you confidence that she values your relationship and won't cheat again ... don't seek to control her ... that's a recipe for more failure ...

[salinen]

40. I hear ya

[BikeWriter]

37. Make sure she understands your reality that cheating is....

...not a negotiable item.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

61. I'm not going to tell you what you should do just what I would do

I wouldn't get back together with her. She didn't cheat once, she cheated many times. She gave her heart away. It wasn't a one night stand which would be hard enough. She carried on for a period of time and now that life looks harder, she wants to get back together and take the easy way out.

I would ache in pain for what could have been, but I would move on.

[Nikia]

62. If she can realize that she was wrong

For people who have cheated, whether they cheat again depends on whether or not they learned anything. She needs to realize that she was wrong and how she got in that situation in the first place and what she needs to do so it won't happen again.
For the pot thing, I understand what you mean. Smoking pot is not harmful, but the danger is that it can be more important than real life, which seems to be her case. Although pot is less addictive than many drugs, there can be a "minor" withdrawal syndrome in heavy users like her. This withdrawal is psychological and may involve her being overly emotional and cranky. She may need help to decrease her drug use.
Try the counseling thing. Be sure that everything is brought up with the counselor. This is the time to bring all the issues to the table before you make your decision on whether to continue your relationship or not.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

63. Sometimes love just don't matter.

Sometimes love just ain't enough.

[Seabiscuit]

65. Smoking pot "24/7" is bad enough, cheating's a lot worse, but...

the really scary part is found in your words: "She wants nothing to do with following any practice that she doesn't like. She has abandoned anyone who disagrees with her on anything, or questions her. I am just about the only person who tolerates her."

In my experience, you can't change people. Either they change themselves or you accept them as they are. I would never go back to someone I left for the reasons you stated. Addiction, cheating, and abandoning anyone who disagrees with or questions her would amount to "three strikes, you're out" to me.

Accepting her back as she currently is would seem to me like enabling her problems. Things would just pick up where they left off and continue going downhill.

Life is too short to suffer along with someone with those kinds of problems. There are a lot of healthier fish in the sea.

Best of luck to you.

[AngryAmish]

66. Don't be a chump

Get a lawyer, not a marriage counselor.

[drumwolf]

67. The pot smoking is NOT the issue here, people!

Certain posters have turned this into a flame war about whether or not marijuana is bad for you. That is NOT what the original poster, salinen, wanted to see when he started this thread.

I'm a pot smoker and I think it's relatively harmless. On the other hand, ANY habit that's done 24/7 is bad for you, whether it's crack, marijuana, orange juice, watching TV, surfing the Net, or Democratic Underground. :P

Now, to answer this guy's question. My gut feeling is, you might just be better off cutting her loose, even if it's extremely bitter medicine to do so. Reading what you have to say, I think you're in a situation somewhat similar to that of a battered wife who loves her husband, who promises that he's a new man and that things will be different this time.

I'd also add, you're the one dealing with her in real life, not me, so your gut feeling should trump mine if your gut feeling tells you differently. Bear in mind, listening to your gut isn't as easy as it sounds. Sometimes what you want to believe and what your gut instinct tells you are very different.

Dude, best of luck, whatever you do, and I hope it works out for the best.

[forgethell]

68. Dump her.

YOu forgave her once, and she betrayed you again. What's that about "foole me once"?

You can do better. Is your self-image so poor that you think she is all you can get? Or what is it that you are considering this? This is not flame-bait, I really want to know. Why do men, and women for that matter, stay with people who constantly betray them? I do not understand. Once, yes, anybody can make a mistake. But twice? Sorry, I just don't see it.

But this is something you will have to decide on your own without advice from me or anybodyelse. You, and only you, have to live with the decision. Are there children?

[thecai]

69. Find a Faithful Lady

Weed is the least of your worries. The cheating is the problem, and few people cheat "only once". In my personal experiences, I've learned "if it doesn't work the first time, it won't work the second time, or the third time, or...". Might as well move on while you've still got the strength. Otherwise, prepare yourself for a life of drama, heart-ache, and disappointment.
That's just my opinion, but I'd love it if someone could prove me wrong. Best wishes!

[LiberallyInclined]

70. chump.

hey...you asked.

[kodi]

72. I think you are completely fucking insane to reunite

My friend, the world, it just doesn't work that way.

If you bought a bottle of wine and upon the first taste found it bitter indeed, are you so inconsiderate towards your own taste buds to down the whole bottle?

And are not your taste huds mere shadows compared to your true happiness?

If you get back together because you think it will be easier than having to deal with telling her "no," you deserve any and all the pain you shall surely get.

My true advice is to get the fuck out of Dodge. Once you reject her she is likely to go postal and it would be best if you could not be around to be the object of her anger.

Hell hath no Fury like a loonie being scorned.

The next time you get lonely, get a dog.

[BiggJawn]

74. Introduce her to my ex-wife?

Maybe she'll do a "Lou Diamond Phillips" on you and take your problem off your hands permanmently...

Remember: Fuck me over once, Shame on You. Fuck me over twice, I should have my god-damn fucking HEAD examined!

"She wants nothing to do with following any practice that she doesn't like. She has abandoned anyone who disagrees with her on anything, or questions her."

And Marriage Counselling is going to help her HOW????

Run Away, Run Away!

[JVS]

76. Tell her to go to hell, and move on

[barb162]

78. give the counseling a chance, like a few months; it is possible

she will turn over a new leaf (although I tend to doubt it). I have no idea what her motivation level is and if she can sustain it. If you don't do it you may be kicking yourself for the next 20 years. Of course, if you try and it doesn't work, you may be kicking yourself for 20 years. Whatever way you go, GOOD LUCK

[JVS]

79. I forgot to say above: YOU DESERVE BETTER

[KittyWampus]

89. JVS, That's Such A Loving & Lovely Way To Say So Very Much!!!

you must be a wonderful person.

Three little words- You deserve better.

Yes, indeed.
:loveya:

[Floogeldy]

80. Don't do it unless you have kids to think of and it is best for them

[hickman1937]

82. Good God, are you married to George Bush?

She wants nothing to do with following any practice that she doesn't like. She has abandoned anyone who disagrees with her on anything, or questions her. I am just about the only person who tolerates her.
It sounds like this woman has locked herself in a little room of self approval. She needs help, and you need to get over her. Sorry, but why would counseling work? I bet she starts setting rules about what can and cannot be talked about. You will end up being the bad guy. I've been through something similar.

[Seabiscuit]

90. Or Condosleeza?

[maveric]

85. Dont do it. She just wants you for the security.

She obviously doesnt and never will respect you. I get the impression, from your post, that she has no place to go or doesnt have anyone else who will take her shit. She sees you as wounded and still in love with her and vulnerable.
Whatever she did to you before she will do it to you again.
Dont do it salinen!
Been there done that!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

91. Don't do it!!! Especially if she's not willing to change

Man, I can never understand the attraction that some men have for psycho shrews.

When men go for high maintenance psycho shrews and women go for abusive jerks, that's not love; that's addiction.

Find yourself a well-adjusted woman (there are plenty out there, but mostly sitting at home because the men are flocking after the psycho shrews), and you'll wonder what you ever saw in Ms. Cheating Heart Stoner.