Funny answering machine messages

[B Calm]

Do any of you have a funny message for when someone calls and your answering machine answers? I like to get some ideas with a political slant.

I have a friend who always comes up with some pretty funny ones. His latest is:

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

[proud2BlibKansan]

1. When my friend's dog was a puppy

he ate everything he could. Destroyed her couch one day, So she locked him in the garage and he tore up a spare tire.

So her message was "We can't come to the phone because the dog ate the phone. So leave a message and we will go to the pay phone on the corner and call you back"

[B Calm]

2. Greetings, you have reached Home Land Security

Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

[B Calm]

3. Hello, you have reached the right-wing fascist thought control

center. After the tone leave your name and phone number and we'll get back with you.

[liberal N proud]

4. Hello, you have reached 555-6969, If you are from homeland security

bring a warrant. Otherwise leave a message and if they haven't taken us away, we will return your call at our earliest convenience.
That is if you voted for Kerry.

[B Calm]

5. I like it!

[Arkana]

6. Hi. I'm not here, because I have amnesia

and I wouldn't very much enjoy talking to people I don't know. So, if when you leave a message, you could just tell me something about my personality, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you.

Also:

This answering machine has been hooked to a 5000-volt power source, whic is, in turn, wired to a small, fluffy kitten. To put it bluntly, if you don't leave a message, Fluffy here gets it. The choice is yours.

[B Calm]

8. Poor Fluffy

[NightTrain]

7. "Hi. This is Dean. Now YOU talk!"

;)

[never cry wolf]

9. Not political but.....

Hello, this is XXXXX. I'm not here right now... or am I? Maybe I am sitting here screening my calls so you have 30 seconds to impress me enough to make me want to pick up and talk to you.

[B Calm]

10. Hello, this is the National Guard recruiting office. I am not in

right now, but if you voted for George Bush leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

[B Calm]

11. Hello, Heaven, God speaking.

If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note, if you voted for George W. Bush I advise you to start praying a whole lot!

[ComerPerro]

12. A while ago I had a voicemail that really pissed off my friends

The message literally was me saying:

"Hello?"

short pause

"Hey, what's up?"

longer pause.

"Uh... yeah, about that... Sorry. This is my voicemail. I didn't hear a word you just said. So please, leave me a message at the beep."

BEEP