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The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent
strain of sexually transmitted disease. This disease is contracted through
dangerous and high risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim
(pronounced "gonna re-elect him"). Many victims have contracted it after
having been screwed for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures
to protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease. Cognitive
sequelae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include, but are
not limited to:
Antisocial personality disorder traits;
delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor;
chronic mangling of the English language;
extreme cognitive dissonance;
inability to incorporate new information;
pronounced xenophobia;
inability to accept responsibility for actions;
exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado;
uncontrolled facial smirking;
ignorance of geography and history;
tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies;
and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or nothing behavior.
The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and epidemiologists are
amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only a few years
ago in a Texas bush.
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