My college roommate killed herself a few days ago

[alittlelark]

She just disappeared with a bottle of sleeping pills. We roomed together in the mid-80's. She had a son at the time (I was cool w/ that). He is now 18. She drove up into Cedar Crest (Alb., NM area) on Friday. Saturday her son reported her missing. Sunday they found her car and sent out search teams and dogs (it had been snowing for 2 days). One of the dogs found her around 11am today. My sister called me when they were notified at about 11:30.

She got me interested in politics. She was a passionate Dem. I was a relatively non-interested college student working 30-40 hrs a week. In less that a year rooming w/ her I had opened my eyes. She had many problems, but lack of passion was not one of them.

I want to yell about how selfish it was for her to end her life when she has a son to help take care of. I want to scream at her that she had finally gotten her life together... WHY NOW !!! I want to tell her that I love her. I want to ask her why she did not talk to so me (or anyone) about her issues at our family's Christmas party? I want to tell her that I am so grateful to her for catering my Nana's wake, and every other event we needed catering at. I want to bitch-slap her mother for being such a horrid person and messing up her daughter the way she did.

Is there an etiquette to what color flowers to send for a suicide? This is my first dealings into 'suicide etiquette'. I may fly out myself.. but I HATE funerals. Wakes are so much cooler. I'm also afraid of how I may react around her horrid mother. No matter what the case we have to deal w/ her son. He is heading down the same path she was on in her late 20's, and he's only 18.


Tamara -n- Me

One 4th of July we climbed the batter's cage at NMSU (w/ drinks in hand!) and used it as a giant hammock to watch the fireworks. We passed a joint back and forth - and I swear, the fireworks were so close that I was getting paranoid of being burned by the phosphorous. It was a a crazy, hysterical night...my throat hurt from all the laughing the next morning.

Here's to Tamara and the 4th:toast:

The way I wish to remember you.:cry:

[tuvor]

1. My condolences.

And good luck.

[Fridays Child]

2. Her pain was greater than all of those things. How utterly sad.

So sorry for her son and family and for you. :(

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

3. I am soooooooooooo sorry about your friend ...

And she has my name ... sigh . I could easily type that I hope her son is alright but I know that he is not ... I know what it feels like to feel suicidal and thank God I got over those feelings and realized that I had something to live for - I am so sad that this " Tamara " ( yes that is my name ) lost hope ... I pray for her soul and her son tonight .

[alittlelark]

6. Thank you, Tamara...

you are right about her son - he is not alright, and we need to figure out what to do to about that, in the Macro-sense.

[n2mark]

12. Do you know of a site we can donate?

[alittlelark]

18. No donations are nessesary...

but that is very sweet of you to offer !

[Radio_Lady]

37. I just spent a holiday with my high school and college roommate and friend

She's toughing it out with a husband who is suffering from Alzheimer's Disease. This is after being the sole comfort for her two parents, both of whom lived into their 90's. If anyone might want to "shuffle off this mortal coil," it would be her. But she's upbeat, determined to be his support until the end, and doing it without much help from either her two sisters, her two daughters by her first husband, and his four kids from a former marriage.

It takes a lot of strength to confront daily life that many of us have to face as we grow older. However, I was suicidal when I was in my 20's and tried to take some pills. Mostly it was a signal that I needed help, which -- thankfully -- I did receive later.

Please try to remember your friend in the most positive light.

In peace,

Radio_Lady

[alittlelark]

42. Thank You for sharing

she had tried it before and failed..... She has never done it 1/2 way.... she was just lucky. This time she did it right - 20 degrees and snowing, hike way off the path, take the pills.

[Technowitch]

4. My most sincere sympathy to you, and to her son

...and to any who knew her.

Instead of flowers, why not donate to a suicide prevention hotline?

Also... about suicide. Those who go off and simply do it are the kind who aren't seeking attention. Someone can be in such pain that they literally do not want to continue. Their hurt is so big, they can't see a way out -- so much so that even the imagined pain of those left behind isn't enough to deter them.

Yes, it's terribly selfish. Sometimes it still seems the only way out.

This doesn't justify suicide, it only touches on explaining the why of it.

Another thing occurred to me just now. You sound close to her son; he's lost his mother. If you can, and it's appropriate, maybe -you- could be the loving mother your friend did not have. Step in and help be this lad's healthy maternal influence. Besides, the two of you can console one another.

*hugs*

[alittlelark]

10. The donation idea is a good one, I may do that too.

Feildon (that's the spelling) has been on numerous vacations w/ me and my family. He demanded that Tamara tell him who his father was about a year ago. DNA tests were conclusive, and he moved to FL to live w/ Dad for 5 months. We need to look into that avenue 1st (not sure why he left). He knows he would always be welcome here, but is a bit 'too cool' for that right now (if you get my drift).

[salin]

14. 'Too cool' or not, keep reaching out

even if the reception is tepid. Based on your descriptions of his grandmother, she sounds apt to badmouth the daughter - and he needs to be able to hold onto the positive that she (Mom) brought into his life... and you are one of the real connections to that. Even if he goes to "Dad", he has only known him a short time, a real (and more current) connection to his mother - by one who loved her - will be important. Regular "check-in" calls would probably be a really good thing.

I am very sorry for your loss. Prayers to all connected to her.

[alittlelark]

22. He thinks "I" am cool - but my Silicon Valley family life is not.

Rest assured I will be working on it.

[supernova]

5. How terrible. So sorry for your loss.

:-(

For all her problems, she had a positive effect on you.

Unfortunately we can never know the depths of suffering of another.

[crispini]

7. Awww...

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

[roguevalley]

8. what an impossibly lonely thing to do. Hugs to you, honey.

:cry:

[vixengrl]

9. I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't know that there is a real etiquette to flowers, but white is usually appropriate--lilies, gardenias. But if you knew she had a favorite, like chrysanthemums or something, that would be okay, too. Funerals *are* kind of awful, but going sometimes gives you closure--it really is a ritual for the sake of the living, so you can look at it that way.

I know I don't know anything about the situation with her, her mom, her son--but I can suggest that you follow your instinct. Avoid the woman, if it's better to do so--or just offer the least kind of polite condolence if you must talk to her: comfort the son, advise if you can--but be aware of the real stress he's under--go lightly on him. And as for your friend--it's a terrible thing, but when people are suicidal, sometimes they don't mention anything because they don't want to burden the people around them. They feel like they are the problem, and they don't reach out. I hope this helps.

:hug:

[alittlelark]

11. Thank You, she loved daffodils - and they are in season!

Feildon's stress will not be manifest for 2+/- months is my guess. He is a complex, and very smart kid. I think I will end up prying time out for the memorial.

[n2mark]

13. Is there something we can do to help her son?

[alittlelark]

20. We're going to have to work on that.

What he really needs is DIRECTION. There is no $$ amt. on that.

Thank You for the thought!

[jody]

15. Forget etiquette about flowers, do what your heart says to do. Go to

the funeral if possible and if appropriate deliver a brief eulogy about the real person you knew and how much she meant to you. You'll feel better for your effort and her family will remember that she had at least one true friend.

God bless you and yours.

[yellowdogintexas]

16. Been there, my dad killed himself many years ago. I

You have to deal with the actual death and then you have to deal with the why of the death. It is a double whammy

You have to understand that nothing you or anyone could do or say can prevent someone who is determined to take this route from doing this. If you interfere successfully once, chances are they will eventually succeed.

My thoughts are with you. You may want to consider hunting down a Survivors of Suicide group in your area. It is well worth it. Check with the local Mental Health Association, or contact the local crisis hotline for a reference.

the group I am with currently offers an 8 weeks of weekly group meetings, with at least one licensed counselor and another facilitator, followed by 2 years of monthly meetings. As groups graduate from the initial sessions, they are welcomed into the "second helping" groups

the support, camaraderie, love, caring and most of all true understanding from being with others who have been through this experience is just wonderful. I encourage you to seek this out.

Oh, there is no floral etiquette. When my dad died, the flowers ran the gamut. He was a mail carrier, so the families on his mail route all got together and had a large arrangement made that looked like a country mailbox. Donations are good too.

If you decide to fly out, do tell the airline it is a bereavement, as you may qualify for a deep discount. I know you get it for family; not sure how lenient they are as to relationships, but if it qualifies, you really get a discount

[alittlelark]

21. Thank you for your post. I am so sorry about your father.

I cannot imagine....

This has all happened so quickly, that I have no idea how to deal with anything. After a night's sleep I imagine I will be more together.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

17. I'm very sorry about your friend.

Sometimes people become so depressed they can't see past the pain anymore. Depression can be a fatal disease. It can make you feel as if your entire life is devoted to nothing but pain and hurt and loneliness. It can make you believe that these feelings will never end.

That doesn't make suicide not a selfish act, nor does it help ease the suffering that a suicide leaves in it's wake.

I hope you, her son and all the other people who cared for her will be able to heal (in time) from this tragic loss. :hug:

[Zenlitened]

23. I think you've described it very well: "Depression can be a fatal disease"

I bristle a bit, I confess, when suicide is described as selfish, although I do understand how the survivors could see it that way.

Still, I'm not sure it's possible to explain to someone who has not experienced true depression, just how overwhelming the pain can be. Pain, despair, anguish -- none of those words seem to fully describe.

It's like being terminally ill. When all the treatments to control one's depression have stopped working, when nothing you or anyone can think or feel or say or do is able to ease the suffering... it's overwhelming.

And yet... that knowledge of how one's death will affect those who are left behind... sometimes, that's the ONLY thing that keeps one holding on.

Confusing. No easy answers or explanations. It seems like the only solution is that SOMEONE be in pain, either the depression sufferer or the suicide survivors. :(

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

19. So sorry for your loss

Suicide is tough to deal with...you have my condolences. :hug:

[Shredr]

24. I'm so sorry to hear that

My mother's best friend killed herself when I was 15. It was hard for her not to blame herself. The wake and funeral were cathartic. I'm sorry for your loss.

[BikeWriter]

25. So very sorry you lost your Friend. To you both.

[miss_kitty]

26. Sorry that happened

A good friend of mine, someone who took care of me while I was recovering from extreme surgeries that I had to have as part of my cancer treatment killed herself a month ago (My sister wouldn't even help me after biopsies). I did not find out until after the wake.

Penny was angry and flustered with her life, had fucked stuff up badly, with her work, the law and SO, and substances. She got drunk, wrote a nasty letter to her ex SO and hanged herself. She was mostly pissed off that night.

I am sorry for your loss. I wish you luck with helping the son.

[alittlelark]

29. Wow, that sounds worse than this one.

Tamara had been depressed off and on for going on 20 years. Your friend sounds like it was impulsive. Perhaps impulsive is easier to deal with? With systemic issues you just keep going over the same issues year after year as you deal w/it.

[miss_kitty]

40. Penny brought all the trouble on herself-there were several choices

she had made throughout her life and most recently the last few years that would make suicide SEEM like some sort of an option.

I think when someone is like your friend sounds to have been, it must be very hard for all. A lot of times, they seem 'happier than they've ever been' right before they commit suicide, because they've made the decision.

With Penny, it wasn't like that at all. I was not surprised to hear of her death. She's one of those people I never saw as getting to be really old. She was 46, and the stuff she was doing (hard drugs and alcohol, hassling her ex and getting some police action out of it) and the things she was not doing (paying taxes and getting the IRS all huffy about the last 5 missing years) were all things a person her age should be done doing. About 2 decades ago. I am sorry for her sadness and inability to control her impulses. I am sorry her ex gal pal got that shitty shitty letter and I am sorry for her 3 sisters who all love her very much.

But I am more sorry for your friend. And for you and her son. I know her action seems selfish, but I think it was what she had to do to get the pain to stop.

[hickman1937]

36. I'm so sorry for your loss,

coming on top of everything else. I hope/pray/wish you well.

[miss_kitty]

41. thanks

I am ok. Fine, in fact. I appreciate your thoughts!

[bobthedrummer]

27. I'm sorry to hear the news, alittlelark.

:hug:

[Longgrain]

28. You have my love little lark...you know that.

:hug:

and

:hi:

[alittlelark]

30. Thank you....

It's just so surreal...

[Longgrain]

31. One of my brother's girlfriends

died in a car accident about 8 years ago...

The sad part was that my brother was the one driving the car.

He came out unscathed, she didn't...

I guess all of us have those moments in our lives....:cry:

[alittlelark]

34. My other roomate at the time, Missy, died in a car wreck

when her parents came to get her stuff it was soooo awful - neither of them had seen her for almost 2 years (she had lived w/ grandparents since early Jr H). Both Tamara and I were holding each other from screaming at them. Her 'traffic accident' bore all the hallmarks of a suicide attempt (she was an excellent driver, and went off an incline around a bend)- w/ unfaithful boyfriend in the passenger seat.... he lived.

[Longgrain]

35. Nothing to say but...

:hug:

[jdj]

32. I'm so sorry.

Eighteen years ago I was starting college.

I'm so sorry.

I don't know if I will ever have friendships as profound as I had then.

If something happened to my Betty, I would be destroyed.

[alittlelark]

39. Make sure you know how 'your Betty' is mentally...

OK. It messes w/ya.

[DU GrovelBot]

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[hickman1937]

38. This is unkind. Move it please.

[alittlelark]

44. Thank you for your concern.... It's cool.

[alittlelark]

43. Tamara was a hard-core Dem, and would be amused by grovelbot.

Although I do not believe she ever saw DU - I was not able to get her involved in the cyber-realm. I tried...

[Longgrain]

45. I too agree. Grovelbot is one true DUer

without folks like GB, there would be no DU at all...

:hug:

[tibbir]

46. I have bipolar disorder

and have gone down into that deep, deep hole of severe suicidal depression. Everybody's comments have been pretty much on target. As nothing works to take the pain away - and you experience it as if it was a physical pain - your options seem to get fewer and fewer. Finally it's like suicide is the only option left. The only thing I would add is that in my case my thoughts were that I was such a worthless piece of shit, everybody would be better off if I was not around. I was able to hang on, barely, because of my son.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's always terribly difficult to deal with the death of someone you love but losing them to suicide makes it way worse. Just remember that there was probably nothing anyone could have done to help her and she wouldn't have killed herself except that her pain was too much to take it any more.

[alittlelark]

47. My other roommate (post 34) had the same issue.

I only knew her after Lithium, but I heard stories... hubbies family also has it in the genes:scared:

My kids seem fine thus far.

I know that even w/ Lithium Missy felt EXTREME pain. It was difficult to understand. I guess her parents felt they could not deal w/ her since they pawned her off on her grandparents.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

48. I'm sorry for your loss...

and especially sorry for your friend's son.

You'll all be in my thoughts tonight... :hug: