My parents asked me not to bring my partner to my brother's wedding

[Shredr]

Most of my cousins are Good Ol' Boy Texan Republicans. The wedding's gonna be in Dallas. Most of my family doesn't know I'm gay, mainly because I'm not close with them and never really see them or discuss my life with them. My (conservative but "accepting") parents say they just don't want my brother's wedding to turn into my coming out party. I agreed, only because I don't want to disrupt my brother's wedding. Now I feel a little weird about it. Opinions?

[donco6]

1. What's your partner think?

He kinda has a stake in this, dontcha think?

[Shredr]

5. He's met the whole family.

And is okay with not going.

The thing is, he's got a conservative family, too and they've all accepted me. I just feel a little guilty.

[Liberal Veteran]

2. Perhaps you should ask your brother?

It's his wedding, not your parents.

[Shredr]

6. I told him what my parents asked.

He kind of said, he wasn't sure how the family would react. And that she has a very conservative family, too.

I told him and my parents I would do it -- but this was the last family event I'm leaving my partner out of. If they want me, they get him.

I guess I just don't need to make his wedding all about me coming out or something.

[jdj]

3. well, I still haven't decided whether to go to my brother's wedding

or not.

Because he has turned into a repuke like the rest of my family.

Most everyone here told me to go ('cause he's my brother, although he wasn't moved to support gay marriage and vote dem cause I'm his sister).

All I know is that as a queer I'm getting really tired of eating shit.

[Shredr]

13. Are you close with your brother?

My brother and I were close growing up then grew apart. Only recently, we started to connect again.

I've given up talking politics with my parents (it was either that or give them up) so I haven't gone into that with my brother.

My partner and I visited my brother and his fiancee in Dallas a few months back, to introduce everybody. We had a great time. And I want to foster that relationship again.

I'll do this so I'm not an embarrassment or anything, but only this once.

[AwakeAtLast]

4. What does your brother want?

You say your parents asked you, but what are your brother's feelings? It is *his* wedding after all.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It seems that people forget that gay people are people first, gay second. I hope this works out for you!

:hug:

[Shredr]

8. Thank you

I think I'll say that to my parents, that really sums up exactly how I'm feeling. I'm a person first. Perfectly put.

I'll tell them I'll honor their wishes this time, but that's it.

Thanks. That really helped.

[AwakeAtLast]

17. You are welcome {{{more hugs}}}

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Arugula Latte]

7. I don't know. A part of me

likes the idea of you NOT going. I mean, maybe if your family realizes how their closed-mindedness affects you at the most basic level, they might wake up and treat you better.

Why should you hide what you are? I know, I know, it's complicated and family and all that, but Jesus Christ. It's 2005.

[mike_c]

9. just my opinion, but I would stay home....

If I couldn't stand proudly by my partner, I would stand elsewhere. Just my opinion.

[Technowitch]

30. Me too.

I'd send my regrets and a nice gift to my brother. But if my wife is not welcome to come with me, I couldn't consider myself welcome either.

[zann725]

40. My feelings too. If they don't accept who you are, why pretend to be

someone else...just to get their approval?

If they want you around enough (and it sounds like they do), they'll learn to share the "true you" with everyone. The sooner the better. And that might be postponed if you keep playing by their rules.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

10. I agree with the others...talk to your brother

Your SO sounds understanding and that much is great. But if your brother is OK with it then that is all that matters.

[RPM]

23. agreed

you should ask your brother (and wife) as this is their event.

Should you decide to go, I don't know if I would go so far as to say you should pre-emptively come-out to the rest of the family before the wedding - that's a tough thing to say; But at the same time, keep in mind that doing anything to draw attention (whether desired or not) away from the bride & groom is a misstep.

Tough situation you have there - but ask your brother if he wants you there, but make sure he understands that you includes your partner.

Good luck.

[PartyPooper]

11. Of course, you should bring your partner!

Don't be a lying, deceiving hypocrite (like so many of them are!) And, I would see if anyone in the cast of "Dallas" is available. Krystal or what's her name?

Get the picture?

:evilgrin:

:D

:hi:

[Floogeldy]

12. You're doing the unselfish thing

That's good. Just be sure to invite ALL OF THEM to your "ceremony," or whatever you can or may decide to do.

[Shredr]

14. Thanks

Ultimately, that's how I feel. I don't need to always make a statement. I'll be there for him. If I get any of the "why aren't you married yet" questions, though, I'm not lying.

[LeftCoast]

15. No way in hell would I go

But that's me. You've got to decide what you're comfortable with. You say that you don't want your brother's wedding to be your coming out party, but I wonder when will be a convenient time? Why can't your partner just come with you and be introduced as your friend if anyone asks?

Good luck whatever you decide.

[despairing optimist]

16. Well, what does your brother say? It's his wedding, after all

I don't understand how bringing your SO will steal the spotlight from your brother and his bride. It sounds like your parents are laying the guilt trip on you. Unless you follow the newlyweds from table to table telling everyone in sight about your relationship, I doubt that many people would even notice.

Then again, you already agreed, so you fell into your parents' trap. If you back out now, they can blame you for reneging on your word as well as for being gay. They don't sound so accepting to me. They do sound manipulative, though.

In this case I'd discuss the issue with brother and fiancee, the people who really count. If they stand by you, everyone else can take a hike.

[Az]

18. Any chance you can find a pair of beards?

I mean if you really want to attend with your SO.

[Shredr]

20. LOL!!

That would give my parents false hope.

[NightTrain]

19. Would they mind if you took Maya Keyes instead?

Sorry, I couldn't resist! :spank:

[Rabrrrrrr]

21. It's your brother's wedding - only he can make a suggestion what to do

Your parents' wishes are irrelevant, your cousins' are, the caterer's are.

Only your brother's. Find out from him, and only him.

And then, either disagree with him or agree.

Your parents have done a very harmful run around.

Even if they say are "speaking on behalf of your brother", they aren't.

If you were my brother, I'd shoot you for not bringing your partner to my wedding, even if meant that became your "coming out party". Who cares?

Besides, it won't become your coming out party. It might become your coming out night, but all those people are there to celebrate your brother's wedding, and even something as dramatic as you showing up with your partner isn't gonna ruin that at all. It might make people go "Whoa! What the ?!?!?!" but then they'll go back to their beers and their dancing and their having fun.

[Radical Activist]

22. That's dissapointing

I guess I can understand though. It is your brother's day and it should be about him, not other family "issues" that really shouldn't be an issue at all. Whatever you decide, I hope everything works out for the best.

[Shredr]

24. Thanks everyone.

Ultimately, it is my brother's day. And I want to be there for him. My parents have been amazingly understanding up until now, so I don't want to hold this against them. I will gave a good talk with them about this not happening again.

[hickman1937]

32. You sound like you've made up your mind.

Do what your gut tells you. It sounds like there are no bad guys or monsters here, just people who love you, but are dragging their feet into this century. Be kind.

[Dookus]

25. sorry to hear that

and sorry to hear you're going to acquiesce to their silly request. I wouldn't.

[IdaBriggs]

26. When is the wedding? Maybe your "coming out" party should happen

BEFORE the wedding, then it won't be a big deal if you have your SO there -- if that is their only objection? Ask them if they would graciously arrange for a small "coming out" party (maybe a fake holiday -- St Pats, or something?), where the majority of people who might "care" can show up. Is there enough time before the wedding to do this? :)

[Starlight]

27. You're doing the right thing.

It's your brother's wedding. It's his day. You definitely don't want to take the focus off the happy couple & put it on yourself. You're a good brother. :)

[Skittles]

28. I don't know about this

it feels weird to me too. I live in Plano so believe me I know where you're coming from but dammit, you're being asked not to do a normal, simple thing IN ORDER TO SPARE THE BIGOTS. I don't know.

[Dookus]

29. Yep

if the point is not to make the bigots uncomfortable, then the point is misguided.

Bigots SHOULD be made uncomfortable.

[Skittles]

31. these are the same people

who claim they "don't know any gays" - that's the main reason they are able to hang on to their ridiculous stereotypes and prejudices - it's much harder for them to do that when they KNOW GAYS and LIKE THEM.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

35. Excellent point!

:yourock:

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[proud2BlibKansan]

34. I don't get it

Do they think you are going to have sex in front of all the guests?

I went out to dinner tonight with a gay couple who are my friends. To the other people in the restaurant, I am sure we just looked like 3 women out to dinner together. Was I supposed to be embarrassed to be seen with two women out in public?

This is just too silly.

[Skittles]

38. I think the difference is

the people in the restaurant are not at a family function and you are not required to introduce yourselves to them. I do see your point, however, that it would appear to reinforce the stereotype that being gay is all about sex and not about being HUMAN.

[proud2BlibKansan]

44. What is wrong with bringing a close friend

to a family function? My cousin had a same sex roommate until he married in his mid 30s. His roommate came to our family functions with him and we never assumed he was gay. Unless a same sex partner is introduced as a SO or 'mate', how would the family even know they were a couple?

[GoddessOfGuinness]

36. If your partner was a black woman, would they have the same reaction?

Or would they have had that reaction 40 years ago?

If someone in my family insulted my husband that way, I wouldn't attend the function.

[Skittles]

37. good point, Goddess

it IS insulting

[Maddy McCall]

39. Whoa. Wait. Let me get this straight

If two men attend a wedding together, then it must be assumed that they are gay and lovers?

Again, I must live in a sheltered world. Why do assumptions always have to be based on what people do in the bedroom?

The only way it would be a "coming out" party would be if some obnoxious asshole walked up to you and asked you if the guest attending with you is your boyfriend. And, at that point, it is the person who asks the question who has the problem, not you.

You say that you will give in just this time, but not again. But, when brother's first baby is born, and both families are gathered at the hospital to welcome the child, will it be the "wrong time" then, too? What about Christmas or the family reunion?

As others have said above, the problem is the bigots', not yours. I can't imagine telling my son to do what your parents have instructed you to do. If anyone in my family had a problem with my son's chosen mate, I'd have to handle it with them: "If my son's choice in relationships bothers you, then I suggest you stay home."

:grr: This whole situation really pisses me off.

[Behind the Aegis]

41. What a choice!

It is your brother's "day" but, it is your life! If you were straight and your husband (I think you are female..so if I wrong, change to "wife") were another ethnic background, how would you feel if they told you to leave him at home? I also wonder if so many Du'ers would find that kind of discrimination OK? Just because the government doesn't recognize our love, it doesn't make it any less real. Take your partner and if you really don't want to "rock the boat" tell nosy people she is "guest" from your invitation of "sister and guest!" Don't miss your brother's day! But, don't sacrifice your life either! I will now share a story with you that I have told here a few times (I think). Take from it what you will.

After the graduation of my youngest brother, my partner and I were driving back to Okla-HELL-ma (where we live). The graduation was in GA and we were driving up through TN and over (so I could avoid driving in Arkansas!). Anyway, we were in TN visiting my best friend and I wanted to drive an hour and half off the path to KY to see my aunt (my mom's sis-in-law). My mom asked that I not go because my SO was with me. I hadn't seen my aunt in over 10 years, but always got a Xmas gift (even though, she really couldn't afford it) and talked to her a few times a year on the phone. I decided to go anyway. We got there and only spent a couple of hours with her, had a nice lunch, got to see my cousins and their kids, then we drove on back home. We never said the word "gay" or anything like that...but she knew. From that time on, when we talked, she would ask how my SO was doing (as do my cousins). This trip took place in August of 2003. In March of 2004, just 7 months later, she died suddenly. She is no longer here for me to see and I still miss her. But, had I listened to my mom, I wouldn't have seen her one last time and she wouldn't have met one of the most important people in my life. The moral: all the worry about how she would react (she was from a small town in KY and a conservative Christian), was for naught! I got to see her, and her me, and she "knew" about me but it never had to be spoken and it DIDN'T MATTER...she still loved me and was happy someone loved me!!!

As important as family is, the family you make deserves as MUCH respect as the family you were born into! I wish you luck!

[bettyellen]

47. that's a wonderful story, it makes you realize that there's no time like

right now to be who you are and let he chips fall where they may. You may never see some of these people again.
Don't support and/ or reinforce the bigotry. It ain't going to be all about you unless you make it that way. You don't have to shove your SO in peoples faces or give an details, but you really should not be asked to deny their existence.
BTW, I'm hetero but took a close female friend to my brothers wedding because she was very close to my family. No one asked a single question. They were focused on watching the maid of honor and best man. She is under 4 feet tall and walked down the aisle with my brother who is 6'5". For a minute there the wedding was all about them.

[suigeneris]

42. Ah, you did a good thing. Isn't it unbelievable that you had to? nt

.

[Bunny]

43. If you are going to acquiesce to your parents wishes, perhaps

you could attend just the church ceremony, and skip the reception? (I'm assuming there will be church, then reception). Not much of a compromise, but it may send a message to your family.

[cally]

45. I'll let you know how it was handled in my faimily when

I was too young to have a say. I'm not close to my cousin and rarely see her. Both were invited to family functions and noone referred to them as anything but roommates. They've lived together for 30 + years. To this day, my parents don't refer to them as a couple.

Then there is my bi sister who had a female partner for at least 6 years. Her ex went on to have a 20 plus year relationship with a woman and my sister married a man. To this day, my sister's ex was just a 'friend.' My point is that if you're willing to compromise so far as not to invite your partner, a better compromise would be to have your partner come along and refer to him as your friend. Don't make it a coming out party.

I lived with my future husband for years but the entire extended family pretended we had separate residences. We are good liars in my family. :sigh:

I agree with others that you should ask your brother and work it out with him. I think folks both know more what's going on and accept more than most of us give them credit for. If it were me, I would bring my partner. But that is from someone who went along with the lying for years.

[Dastard Stepchild]

46. Miss Manners sez ..

It is no one's business but your own. Bring your partner, and when you introduce him, mention, "this is my friend, XYZ". Miss Manners simply hates the term boyfriend/girlfriend. She doesn't want to know all the details, and she doesn't think it prudent to share them with anyone. :)

When I had girlfriends, I would introduce them as friends or as girlfriends depending on the setting and the people I was talking to. I know you aren't supposed to let the biggots "win," but some days I just wasn't up to the nasty stares.