I remember an email a while ago that had twenty or so things you have to believe to be a conservative. I was hoping that we could add on to it.
Here's the original:
Things Republicans Believe
1.) Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
2.) The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
3.) Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
4.) "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
5.) A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
6.) Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
7.) The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
8.) Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
9.) If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
10.) A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
11.) HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
12.)Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
13.) Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
14.) Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
15.) A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
16.) Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
17.) The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
18.) You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
19.) What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
20.) Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmonyAt
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jokes/bljokerepublicanbeliefs.htmThese are good, but I think we can do better. I'll go first:
To be a conservative, you have to:
-be willing to pay the highest fees to belong to the best country club, but won't spend a dime to belong to the best country.
-Think that the troops in Iraq need a plastic turkey more than body armor.
-The Bible is the literal word of God, except those passages about loving, caring, compassion, and nonviolence.
-That although four years of tax cuts have failed to revamp the economy, another four years of even more tax cuts will work.
-Social Security and Welfare should be scrapped because they are wasting people's money, but the Drug War, which hasn't acheived a single one of its goals, should be expanded.
-believe that, faced with social rejection, humiliation, and degradation it's easy to see why someone would choose to be gay.
-believe Universal health care doesn't work, even though all the countries that have it are ranked as being healthier than the United States.
-Europe and Canada are all limp-wristed pinko commie bastards, and that's why we need their help to rebuild and secure Iraq.
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