Adoption Identity Movement (AIM) or other similar organizations have support groups in many major cities. At these meetings, you can meet people who have been adopted, birth parents who gave up their children, people who have searched and found, some who have searched in vain, and many in-between and torn in their loyalties and decisions.
These support groups can offer moral support and share secrets to searching. They know legal options and underground ways to get information. Be prepared for the emotional rollercoaster ride of a lifetime. The stories they share are eye-opening, heartwarming and heartbreaking.
I discovered that almost every adopted child was told some variation of “The Chosen Baby” story. There are actually books that instruct adoptive parents how to personalize the “Chosen Baby” story.
I met birthmothers who never forgot the child (or children) they gave up. I met many people who never even knew they were adopted until they were XX years old. Some waited too long and found a grave at the end of their search.
I met a birthmother whose son found her because he needed medical history for his child. At first she denied, but decided to “come out” and they have had a close relationship for many years.
I remember a man in his 60’s who had served this country in war — yet was being denied military and social security benefits because he didn’t have a “real” birth certificate. He didn’t know he was adopted until he was informed of this by the government.
There was a birthmother who was forced to give up her son. Years after marrying someone else and having a family, she divorced and reconnected with her high school sweetie, the birthfather. They married and searched and found their son. His adoptive parents didn’t approve. They secretly see each other as often as possible.
Sadly, I remember a woman who learned that she was “a product of rape” and that her birthmother had spent her life in a mental institution. Later, I heard that she, too, had a breakdown.
One birthmother was almost obsessed with her bio-son. He found out accidentally that he was adopted just before he went into the Navy. She was angry at the adoptive parents for not telling him the truth. She was hurt when he was on leave and wanted to be with friends more than her. She obviously wanted more from him than he was ready for.
A rather well-off woman found the birthmother that had abandoned her, only to discover that this woman expected financial support in her old-age.
I also remember many stories with happy outcomes — occasionally, birth-families and adoptive families even got together and appreciated and respected each other’s roles.
Most people I met were glad that they searched. Very few regretted learning their REAL story. Too many wanted to search but had nothing to go on. Whether it is learning medical history or merely satisfying natural curiosity, knowing the truth, no matter how painful, is usually better than forever wondering.
I knew I was adopted, was told “The Chosen Baby” story and it was “don’t ask, don’t tell” any details for thirty-something years. The day after my adoptive mom’s funeral, my adoptive dad told me all he remembered.
My grandma arranged it. When birthmother went into labor, they drove her (in a snow storm) to a tiny town hospital. He gave me her maiden and married name, the small town she moved to (not far away), and told me that I had brothers. He told me they told her I was a boy — very common practice to deceive, right up there with “the baby died” story. He gave me a copy of her father’s obituary and encouraged me to search for her. I was shocked they kept so much from me.
The first time I went to an AIM meeting, I met a birthmother from that same small town. Turned out, she knew one of my brother’s ex-wife and kids. She knew another birthmother from the same area whose company had employed my birthmother’s husband. I learned that the husband was totally disabled and would soon pass away.
I met the adopted (adult) child of my birthmother’s bother at one of the meetings I went to! (It IS a small world after all!) What a surprise to hear someone with my birthmother’s (uncommon) maiden name! Through this girl, I’ve met birthmother’s brother and sister (girl’s adoptive dad, mom and aunt). I was greeted warmly by them, confirmed and learned many details, shown and given photos.
Basically rejected by birthmother — although she did acknowledge, in a letter, knowing and staying with my grandma, she’s prefers living in denial and wants to think she had a boy!
It bothers me more around my birthday — coming up in a few weeks — sometimes I wish I could meet or talk to her before she takes her secrets to her grave. I deserve to know my medical history. (I hate writing “UNKNOWN” on those medical forms!) I wish my kids could know their uncles, aunts, and cousins. I would like to know who the sperm donor (birthfather) was. Through her sister, I heard he wanted to marry and help raise me.
Perhaps it bothers me more now that all of my adoptive family has passed away. It is painful to see old photos and not know who they are and seeing no resemblances. Clues I’ve found since include some hospital records that could lead me to my original — real — birth certificate. She used her middle name and a common last name — or was it really birthfather’s name? I may never know. Back when I was born, it was acceptable and encouraged to give false information.
An adoptee rights, pro-open records, source for information, Bastard Nation:
http://www.bastards.org/ 
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
