Is it possible for an 18-yr-old guy to be friends with a 13-yr-old girl?

[CornField]

Friends = online friends who chat 1-2 times a month on the phone and exchange gifts at birthday & Christmas

Possible? Probable?

[Guy Fawkes]

1. When I was 13...

I started hanging out with my brother and his friends (who are now my friends). A few of them were over 18 at the time...

[BrklynLiberal]

2. Possible.

[realisticphish]

3. sure

if they get along, then theres no reason for them not to be friends

:hippie: The Incorrigible Democrat

[Sanity Claws]

4. If they grew up together, maybe

If they know each other only recently, I would say that is a dangerous combination. I can't imagine an 18 year old boy wanting anything other than sex with a 13 year old girl. In fact, that's all that 18 year old boys think about. Maybe I'll get flamed but if I were the 13 year old girl's mother, I would try some way of ending this now.

[CornField]

8. I'm the mom

to the girl. *sigh*

They became friends late last summer and my daughter asked if she could phone. I said yes but that I would have to make the call first so I could hear who was on the other end. To me, he sounded like just another kid... I even spoke with his mom.

Since then they've been phoning (not too often), sharing e-mails, chatting, exchanging small gifts.

Today I find out that he is 18. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS BEFORE?" *shrug* "You never asked, Mom."

Now the whole friendship just feels a little "nasty" or "off" to me.

[Sanity Claws]

13. Mom, I understand your concern

There's been a lot of news coverage of young girls who got emails, instant messages and the like from older men. So I understand your concern. It's good to know that the boy lives at home with his mom. Have you spoken with her? Do they live in the area? Just wondering whether some of your concerns would be allayed if you were able to get to know the boy and his mom better.
I know we both hated this when we were kids, but have you asked your daughter to share the emails with you? I think I would ask before just snooping. Find out what they talk about. Maybe they both just talk about baseball or something like that. If it's sex talk, I'd be very concerned.

[Technowitch]

16. In that case, Mom, you'd best call it off, seriously

I'm a 42 year old woman here... no kids, but if I had a daughter of 13, I don't think I'd want this sort of thing going on. If I could be there to monitor, and see that it really was JUST a friendship -- that'd be one thing. But emails and chatting have this way of taking on a life of their own... and the gifts thing I find somewhat of a danger signal. (I hadn't seen that on my first quick read-through.)

And I'd speak with your daughter in this way, "If I could absolutely know that nothing 'romantic' was going on, I'd feel a lot better about taking a chance on this. And believe me, it feels to me like I'd be letting my daughter, whom I love dearly, get into something for which she's not ready. More, at 18, he's considered an adult. At 13, you aren't. If he were 23 and you 18, it'd be a whole different thing."

If your intuition suggests something's not right, I'd hazard to guess you might have reason. Note the 'might' there.

-Technowitch

[Fleshdancer]

18. Have you talked to the 18 yr old?

It sounds like you're on the right track with talking to his mom and keeping a close eye on things.

*If* it were me, I would talk to the boy myself (he's not a boy though, he's a young man) and also let my daughter know that anything on chat is open to parental viewing.

Your 13 year old may be less judgemental of him than some girls his own age and he may be more mature and interesting for her to talk to than guys her own age. It could very well be just a friendship in that regard. You'll never truly know though if you don't get to know him better. If he's just a friend, then he shouldn't have a problem talking to you.

[MidwestMomma]

21. Be very careful

One of my co-worker's daughter had a friend who met an older guy on the internet. It was just phone calls and on-line chatting at first. Then my coworker's daughter tells her mom that her friend is making plans to go OUT OF TOWN to meet this guy. So my coworker's daughter ended up telling the friend's mom before anything like that happened.

People think that this stuff doesn't happen but it really does.

The thing is to me is that at 13, your daughter is probably satisfied to just be friends and chat and phone and exchange presents. But you don't know the boy or his intentions.

If they were just online friends, it would be one thing, but they've already taken it to the next step. You have to ask yourself, what's the next step? It will probably be meeting each other in person. Would you be comfortable with that? Would you let her hang out with an 18 year old boy who was a friend that she met at the local mall? I'm thinking probably not.

I think the fact that she didn't tell you he was 18 should tell you that your daughter knows that there's something lopsided in this friendship or she would have volunteered the information.

If it was my daughter, I would have to say no way. But only you can make the decision. Proceed with caution.

[radwriter0555]

29. TRUST your instincts by ALL MEANS. His attention is completely

inappropriate and of course she's REALLY flattered; after all, a COLLEGE GUY is interested in her...

Think about it; what does HE have in common with her?

You must TELL her the relationship is inappropriate. TELL her that SEX is not on the agenda for her for many more years. She will get all embarrassed about it, but you MUST talk about SEX. If you don't, she will talk about it and do something about it with HIM.

She will be defensive, angry and upset. She will then try to see him and talk to him even more, which means you must be even more vigilent about her using the computer and talking with him. You really MUST supervise all contact between the two AND talk to HIM and tell him his attention is NOT APPROPRIATE.

You really must confront the situation head on with BOTH of them.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

30. You might mention to your daughter that 3 years from now

there's little likelihood that a 21 year old man is going to be interested in her prom. If this is a long-distance relationship, the probability that it will fizzle is pretty high, unless they really are "just friends".

I don't know the situation obviously, but something tells me that your daughter views him as more than a friend. I would urge her to curb her emotions and put an end to it if she has delusions of a permanent romantic relationship with this guy.

[LoZoccolo]

11. You should know what we think, since you're a woman.

Since I'm straight, I know that all gay guys think about is seducing adolescent boys and fisting.

_{NOTE: This post is sarcastic.}

[JVS]

28. LOL

[CubsFan1982]

5. It's possible.

I'm a 22 year old guy, and I have a good friend that I talk politics with all the time, and he's only 16. Then again, we're both dudes, so there's no potentially perviness attached to the friendship, least none I'm aware of.

[JI7]

6. .

[mr_hat]

7. No. Your 13-yr-old girl could well be the pedophile patrol. >

Don't go there, for her sake and yours.

[Worst Username Ever]

9. Possible and appropriate are two different things... n/t

[Technowitch]

10. Sure, it's possible. But watch your step.

And be sure you avoid any appearances of impropriety.

[JI7]

12. maybe

chatting is ok.

but the phone and gift exchange seems unusual if both just met online.

if they had known each other personally i can see it as being something of a older brother and little sister type relationship and then i can understand the phone calls and gifts.

[Sabriel]

14. This situation instinctively makes me go Ew!

He's not a close family friend, neighbor, or anything like that? He's from online? Double Ew.

[Nay]

25. Yep. Ew.

This from a mom of a 22-yr-old young man, so I have no experience with daughters, but if an 18-yr-old man had started striking up an online friendship, gifts, etc., with my son when he was 13, I would have called the cops. The gulf between a 13-yr-old and an 18-yr-old of any sex is enormous -- it's the gulf of childhood to adulthood.

[LoZoccolo]

15. When I was 13...

...I was in high school, which had a lot of 18 year-olds in it, too. I was even involved in things like marching band with them. I don't think this is that weird, plus 13 years old is old enough to start thinking your parents are nuts when they interfere too much.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

17. Yes but it doesn't mean it's so

When I was 12, a 20 year old guy was part of my circle of musician friends. What we had in common was guitars. My parents were suspect so they confronted him and he agreed to only hang out with me at our home and when one of them was there.

If this person has introduced himself to you or made any effort to that would be your first clue.

[Bunny]

19. I don't think it sounds good. I have a 13 yr. old daughter.

I would not let her have phone calls or exchange gifts with an 18 yr. old man that she met online. No way.

[Ellen Forradalom]

20. It's possible

but tongues will wag.

I was friends with my brothers' friends when I was 13. They were like protective big brothers.

On edit: Different situation. My brothers' friends were well-known to my parents. Plus the brothers were the intermediaries, not the Internet.

Don't go crazy on her, but do keep an eagle eye on it.

[fortyfeetunder]

64. Boys as friends.

Same experience with my older brother's friends. My older brother was 5 years older than I was which put me in that category of being 13 and they being 18. My parents knew the guys and I was just the little kid sister.

I think OP's instinct is dead on. I think an 18 YO guy could certainly find other young women his own age, he's not looking hard enough.

[Speck Tater]

22. How about a 28 year guy and a 23 year old girl?

That's where they'll be in ten years.

I wouldn't make a fuss over it myself. Turning what might very well be a simple friendship into the "forbidden fruit" can't help the situation at all.

That said, I would keep a discrete eye on the relationship. Both my daughters had older friends in their social circle when they were 13 and nothing evil or perverted ever came of it. My Grand daughter, 14, is in the Japanese club at school and hangs with several older advanced Japanese language students.

[stanwyck]

38. big difference, though

between a 13-yr. old girl and a 23 yr. old woman. Big difference.

[mcscajun]

23. You know He's 18 — does His Mom know She's 13?

Seems like an important point of information to share with her.

[Beaverhausen]

24. I think there should be a 2 year rule

my boyfriend has a 14 year old daughter. He is trying to institute a 2 year rule meaning she can't date a guy more than 2 years older. her mom can't seem to enforce it however.

When she was 13 she was seeing a 17 year old...not good.

[Nikia]

26. Possible

Do they have common interests? I knew people of different ages who I was friends with who I met through different activites. Age didn't really matter. When I was 18, I didn't think of 13 year old kids as sexual at all.
How does she see her friend? Does she want him to be her boyfriend?
An 18 year and a 13 year old in a dating situation is bad news.

[JVS]

27. They can be friends, you might want to meet him and check him out though

[meisje]

31. no

[Hell in a Handbasket]

32. sure.

just be really damn careful that it stays that way.

[DU GrovelBot]

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[DrWeird]

34. Does he realize she's thirteen?

It'd be good to let him know, if he doesn't.

[Withywindle]

35. Sure!

When I was around that age most of my friends were older. I was interested in things that most kids my age I knew weren't. (books, politics, some kinds of obscure music, etc.) Older kids were my only outlet to discuss these things with. It's actually pretty common, especially if your daughter is "gifted" or "precocious" in some way.

I agree that getting to know the guy and his mom and keeping an eye on things is a VERY good idea, but you also don't want to give your daughter the idea that she should be afraid of everyone older. I mean, what kind of message is that to send to a young girl: "He must only be interested in your body. Lord knows your intellect and personality couldn't possibly be interesting to him!"

[hippiechick]

36. NO.

As a former 13 year old girl myself, and currently the mother of one, my answer is a resounding NO.

Even if HIS intentions are innocent, 13 year old girls are a jumble of messed up self-esteem, emotions, and insecurities.

Get him away from her.

[SarahB]

37. Possibly, but it would still creep me out and I wouldn't allow it.

My daughter turns 13 Sunday. Because she's tall and cute (and very smart) she seems like she's 16 or 17, but she's still only 13. I'm extremely protective of her and possibilities with older boys. First of all, she's allowed minimal unsupervised internet time, she only chats with school friends on IM, and I would not allow phone calls with any unknown people. Period. Not at her age. A 13 year old doesn't have that level of experience or judgment no matter how intelligent they may be. My daughter is actually pretty vary herself having just read the book Katie.com (on her own, she told me about it). Your daughter needs to read this book: http://www.katiet.com/ and probably you do as well.

[stanwyck]

39. Agree with you

My daughter is now 21, but I remember her being 13, At that age, you just haven't had enough time on earth to be able to deal with possible complexities with an 18-yr. old male. It's difficult enough dealing with other 13-yr. olds. !3 is still very much a child, even if the child looks more like a young woman. This could be a healthy relationship. But it makes me a little queasy.

[gizmo1979]

40. And stay out of jail?

NO

[ScreamingMeemie]

41. I won't allow my 14 year old to date a 16 year old or chat with him online

so I guess I would say, not for me. I just couldn't be comfortable with that. Man, these are tough years, eh? :hug:

[kodi]

42. it's also possible to roll around in poison ivy, i don't suggest it either

when you get older, you'll understand.

[kiraboo]

43. I have a thirteen-year-old girl. And the answer is no.

Although the thing may be completely innocent, it can lead to thoughts and actions which would be entirely inappropriate. My daughter is lovely, intelligent, thoughtful, well-read and still terribly naieve. Even if she believes she's on the same footing as an 18-yr.-old, she's not.

[Radio_Lady]

44. Maybe later... but for now, the answer is no.

The five year difference is too great, and the maturity level is not possible yet with these two.

My humble opinion only. After all, I am a 65-year-old woman married to a 70-year-old man!

[Heddi]

45. Okay...flame away I'm sure

but really...what do an 18 yr old and a 13 yr old have in common? I got the idea from your posts that they weren't friends in person (meaning, brother's friend, friend of the family, etc), but that they met online.

You talked to him in person and he sounded like 'any other kid'---that doesn't mean he's 18, though. He could be 35 for all you know.

Exchanging gifts? Uh...

Some questions I have:

Your daughter didn't tell you he was 18 because you 'didn't ask'---I'm sure your gal KNEW that you would APPRECIATE knowing that he was 18 whether you asked or not....why is she hiding his age? What else is she hiding or not being upfront and honest about because you 'haven't asked'?

What are they emailing each other?

What are they chatting about?

Has she let you see the chat/emails that they send?

Does she have a computer in her room where she's chatting away from you, or is the computer in a general-use family area?

Do you have a web-cam? Any means of scanning in photos? (being blunt: is there any way that your daughter has the ability to send him possibily inappropriate photos of herself?)

He obviously knows your address b/c they exchange gifts---does this strike you as...scary...that someone YOU don't know, who is 5 years older than your daughter...knows where she lives? Knows her phone number....possibly knows every living thing about the dang girl?

Do you know for a fact they haven't ever met up in person?

Do you know for a fact that *HE* knows she's only 13?

----

My husband is 3 years older than me. We met when I was 21 and he was 24. All the time we talk about how ODD it is that when he was in 8th grade, I was just in 5th grade.

Age doesn't make a difference when you're older, but 13 vs 18? Too creepy IMO.

----
I remember being 13..actually I was 14 when I started hanging out with a friend of my friend's brother. He was 17 and oh! What a big star *I* was to have a 17 year old friend!!! NOne of *MY* friends had friends that old. That meant I was cool. I was in. I would be popular.

He was very maniuplative, knowing how naive and eager for attention a girl my age can be. I LOVED the attention he gave me. Over time (like 1 month), he went from being a "friend" to holding my hand, to feeling me up, to making out with me, to trying to have sex with me. Of course, my mother knew NOTHING of this because (of course), "she never asked me".

He strung me along. He knew what he was doing and was having the best time doing it. I found out years later from my friend's brother that this guy had a bet going to see how many weeks it would take before I would give him a BJ, and how many weeks after that before we had sex. He had a penchant for going after young middle-school virgins and 'popping cherry'.

Real nice guy.

Luckily for me, I stopped seeing him after about a month and a half because he was WAY too creepy for me....but a little part inside of me was ALMOST willing to do whatever he wanted becuase he was OLDER. He was COOL. HE HAD A CAR AND A JOB!!!!! For someone my age THAT WAS THE END ALL BE ALL OF THE WORLD.

Now I look back and see how I was when I was 17...I had NO INTEREST in some 13 or 14 or even 16 year old boy. THey're kids.

I really question this guy's judgement in being such close friends with your daughter (if he knows her real age).

I think you're better off safe than sorry in this instance. HOWEVER---be really careful that your daughter hasn't gotten some "you're just jealous of our loooovveeee" ideas in her head and runs away or does something stupid like that.

Please, DO NOT LET HER MEET THIS MAN...either alone or with you. I was going to say unless you've met him first, but I just don't think there's really anything good that can come out of this situation.

I mean, he could be the nicest guy in the world. Maybe he is. But your daughter is a 13 year old girl filled with (i'm sure) the same fantasies and desires that EVERY 13 year old girl has---finding a white prince galloping into her life on a stallion, whisking her away from her mean ol' parents, marrying her and loving her forever. Make sure YOUR daughter doesn't start developing feelings that HE doesn't have (and vice versa).

Go with your mom gut instinct. I know in all my years of bitching and complaining as a teenager about how my mom was TOTALLY OUT TO RUIN MY LIFE...she never gave me a bad peice of advice (like when I was 16 and TOTALLY IN LOOOOOVE with a 21 year old sailor....that eventually pressured a friend of mine into sex and gave her the Clap). Moms have a feeling, and if you feel creepy about it, then there's probably something creepy about it.

----

Be honest with her. Let her know that you're concerned for HER well being. DEMAND--do not ask---to see her emails and chat logs. Don't let her talk on the phone with him in a private room. YOU talk to him and YOU tell him that she's only 13.

Here is a link to public records online you can search for free
http://www.publicrecordfinder.com/

If you know his name and where he lives...do a check. Check that state's sex offender registry. See if you can find anything in teh court document section. YOU find out about him NOW before you find out about him when it's too late.

Good luck to you and your daughter.

[SarahB]

49. Best post on the thread!

:thumbsup:

[Heddi]

51. :bows: My husband is at work

and I'm bored, hence the wordy posts this evening and last

:)

woe to those who read DU when Mr. Heddi is out wiping the hineys of old folks....

[baron j]

46. When I was 17, my girlfriend at the time was 20, and people

reacted to it as if it were a huge gap, which was silly, but in the case of an 18 year old boy and a girl of thirteen, the matter is more about her age, than the gap. Tell her when she is 18 then it'll be okay for her to date this guy--I say "date" because I seriously doubt he just wants to be "buds" with her. Better to talk to the boys parents and the boy, though, so they don't try to rebel and go behind your back.

just my 2¢

[roguevalley]

47. no.

[LiberallyInclined]

48. as long as she's not my daughter...

then maybe.

[hickman1937]

50. I don't like absolutes. Talk to the guy's Mom,

Talk to the guy. Then follow your gut instincts. You didn't say anything about romance. Judge for yourself if it's an inappropriate romance, or a friendship. Also, talk to the mothers of her best girlfriends. Unbelievable source of knowledge, and they know what you're going through. Kid's let things slip out without knowing it. I can't tell you how many times I called a mom, and she said something like, "I wanted to call you, but I didn't know if I should." I was a single mother.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

52. Yes

I have had friends on here at 14 that were 18 at the time...

She just has to be careful, it's entirely possible to be friends with somebody older than she is. Just make sure she's not expecting or wanting more than friendship and you'll be fine.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

84. (and I've met him)

Fancy that. Not everyone is a psycho on the internet, you just have to be careful.

[NNadir]

53. When my wife was 13, I was 24. But I didn't befriend her

until she was 19 and I didn't marry her until she was 22.

In my wife's case, my intentions were clearly romantic, always, almost from the first time she and I talked. She however, upon meeting me, thought I was a pathetic old fart and dismissed (wisely I think) my attention until she was a little older.

We've been happily married, BTW, twenty years.

Be careful with this one. People think that 18 year old boys/men are mature adults, but having been one, I can't say I agree.

[St. Jarvitude]

54. My 13 yr old sister is "friends" with some 18 year old guy.

Frankly, it's quite scary. It's not scary because I'm some overprotective older brother (though I do beat up my friends who hit on her); it's scary because I know the guy (friend of my brother) and I've heard what they talk about.

Apparently, my mom found some old chat logs and the guy was saying stuff like "So when's the next time you're gonna give me head?" He was probably joking, but the fact that a 13 year old is talking to someone five years older like this is pretty fucking disturbing if you ask me.

Especially my sister x(

[2bfree]

55. Are you even sure he is 18?

I've heard of pedophiles telling their victims that they are much younger than they really are. Is there any way you can read their emails? I would be very concerned but would hate to forbid them in case your daughter would lie about talking to him and hid their relationship.

[lazarus]

56. As the parent of a 13 year old girl

I say hell no. There's no reason at all for that friendship to exist. Too damned many dangers.

When I was 18, I can't imagine being interested in having any sort of relationship, platonic or otherwise, with a 13 year old. I'm thinking this guy's a bit odd.

[Maddy McCall]

57. I'd be extremely cautious.

I'd be uncomfortable if it were my kid.

[barackmyworld]

58. NO. I am friends with 18-year old guys, and NO.

I am a 19 year old female. Most of my male college friends are 18 or 19. ZERO of them would see anything in the friendship of someone that young, because they have nothing in common. Sometimes in high school, my friends and I (17-18) would talk to the younger siblings (13-14) of close friends. We were trying to be nice though, and make them feel better in my large city high school that had 7th to 12th grade. I occasionally instant message my friend's 14-year old brother to ask if he knows where she is. It would be EXTREMELY strange for a friendly relationship of people in that age bracket to get very close.

The exceptions would be
1) if they are both REALLY into some kind of hobby or activity, like fencing or photography or baseball.
2) If your daughter was a little older, so they were both in high school. That kind of thing happens a lot

I recommend:
1) ASK how she met him (maybe that was mentioned before, sorry) The answer will probably be something shady
2) CUT IT OFF. Don't let her get sucked in to what may be something scary or dangerous. She probably just likes the attention.

[Lex]

59. Here's the problem, if you try to cut off the relationship . . .

by putting your foot down and saying it's inappropriate, and I forbid it, that will make the relationship MORE APPEALING, even if it's a platonic-type thing.

I know this from experience.

And then what happens? She then sneaks around behind your back (believe me 13 and 14 year olds can be quite clever) and when that happens you have NO CONTROL over the relationship because she's removed you from it entirely because you have forbidden it.


Keep an eye on her, keep the dialogue going, keep telling her what is appropriate or inappropriate, but don't put your foot down and absolutely forbid it--that leads to bigger problems.

If he's a regular 18 year old guy, he'll lose interest in short time, imho.

[Thor_MN]

60. Does he have a girlfriend his age?

When I was a senior in high school, I had a girlfriend and knew several girls who were much younger via school/community theater. I considered them to pesky little sisters, but I remember feeling quite protective of a couple of them.

No email at the time and I lived far enough away from the school that it was long distance (consolidation can suck) so no one did a lot of phone calling. I wouldn't have ever considered exchanging gifts with them, my money was spent dating the girlfriend, who was a year younger.


So, I would say that it IS possible to be just friends, but unlikely if the guy isn't dating someone his own age.

[BikeWriter]

61. As a step-father of two girls, I'd say no way!

[mr fry]

62. which one are you?

[CornField]

63. Some Clarification

First, thanks to everyone for responding. There were some really good points made.

Again, I'm the mom of the 13-yr-old girl. She made the online friend late last summer (July or August, I think) and asked permission to phone. I agreed on the condition that I make first contact. I spoke with the boy and then spoke with his mother BEFORE she was allowed to get on the phone.

She does have a computer in her room. We log every keystroke she makes and she is aware we do this. (My husband is a network administrator.)

This fellow is five states away from us -- they have never met. They have never even discussed meeting.

Their chats and e-mails are about art. The gifts they've exchanged (birthday and Christmas) are mostly art stuff (watercolor pencils, drawing pads, etc.). They often scan their latest project and e-mail them. They both like anime.

I phoned last night and spoke to his mother again. She was aware that my daughter was 13 (actually 12 when they became friends -- he was 17 then). Her son is a junior in high school (held back in elementary school).

I've known about the friendship from the beginning. My daughter -- and the guy -- have been very open and honest. She asked permission prior to calling, sending the gift or doing anything which would involve an exchange of personal information. Prior to learning that the guy was 18, I had absolutely no problems with the friendship at all.

[Withywindle]

75. See, this seems perfectly reasonable to me...

...When you're involved with art and writing and stuff like that online you meet all kinds of people. Age doesn't always show on the Internet--I've had some online acquaintances I thought might be in their 30s who turned out to be 16, and vice versa! And yeah, if you 'click' with someone, you'll talk more with them over the phone, IM, etc. It's really just a high-tech version of pen pals.

Honestly, I think that's one of the GOOD things about the internet: the ability for people of different ages and social backgrounds to connect over common interests without the impulse to prejudge each other based on role. As long as there's supervision and protections, I think it's very GOOD for teens to be able to interact with adults who can be friends without being authority figures.

This sounds like the kind of friendship I talked about in my earlier post, one that's based on an intense shared interest or hobby. Yes, it's very possible for relationships like that to be platonic and healthy. And the gift is related to the interest: it's not like he sent her lingerie!

Now, I'm not a parent myself, and I was a teenager 20 years ago, but the situation you describe above sounds fine to me. I think it's great that you're both keeping a close eye on the situation AND you're also giving your daughter some room to breathe.

[uppityperson]

76. No problem here.

I just read this topic for the first time and my first inclination was to say no problem, but I needed further clarification which you gave in post I'm responding to (convoluted sentence, sorry). I see no problem in different age kids being friends. Friends does not always=sex. However, as a parent of either sex or age kid, you are probably aware that there are nasty people out there who lie and deceive and try to take advantage of you. But this sounds like you've checked it all out and it could be a good long distance friendship. It's ok to have friends be just friends.

[Rabrrrrrr]

81. I think it sounds reasonable

If they were in community theater, they could be friends.

If they were both figure skaters, they could be friends.

And on and on and on.

She's not hiding anything, they aren't talking/chatting all that much, and she asks your permission.

It doesn't sound she's in love with the guy, nor he with her. They share a common interest, they talk occasionally, and they like to share their artwork with each other.

No big deal, in my mind.

Is it worth watching? Of course. Is it worth being paranoid about? I don't think so.

[amazona]

65. in these times it's unwise

If I was the 18 year old, I would run for my life. Because even if it's innocent, the chance of it destroying his life if some accusation is made is incredibly high. In my area, physical evidence is not required to back up such accusations. I would find other friends.

13 year old girls are always going to be interested in older men -- I should know, I was a 13 year old girl once myself -- but today that interest can be very destructive to the object of your interest. If you care about the guy as a friend, let him go.

Just my two cents on it.

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of communists
and other subversives. We intend to clean them out,
even if it means rounding up every birdwatcher in the country.
--John Mitchell, US Attorney General 1969-72

[TN al]

66. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

[x-g.o.p.er]

67. HELL NO

If my 13 y/o daughter was getting gifts and exchanging emails from an 18 year old I would put an end to it.

Now if they had grown up in the neighborhood and had known each other their whole life, maybe. MAYBE, but it would still make me VERY wary.

ANything outside of the lifelong friend scenario is a future pervert in the making, and you need to put a atop to it. It is far too dangerous in this day and age to allow something like that.

[MsAnthropy]

68. Absolutely not!

It's not a question of IF something could go wrong, but WHEN.

[SoCalDem]

69. Not really.. The 13 yr old girl is NOT READY to be in ANY

relationship with a legal adult...

Stuff like this starts out innocent, but rarely stays that way..

Danger, Will Robinson :(

[leftofthedial]

70. sure it's possible

but she'll have to get her legal guardian to accompany her on prison visiting days.

[Dastard Stepchild]

71. Where is the computer?

A friend of mine allows her 12 y.o. daughter to online chat with her friends, but she is sitting at the same desk as the daughter. She reads a book or a newspaper. She's not staring at the screen, mind you, but they share the space. The computer is in a very public space, and she tries to pick up on subtle cues from the daughter that the conversation might be going one way or another. She's not experienced any problems, thus far, and attributes that, in part, to her presence - I think she believes that this keeps the daughter and friends in check. We've chatted about this, and she says that she won't do this forever... just until her gut tells her that her daughter can "handle" being a responsible teen. Not sure if this is a possibility for you, or if this is something that you would be comfortable with, but it is one way to openly assert your presence and possibly have a subtle influence on the relationship.

[davidinalameda]

72. one my sisters had an older boyfriend in high school

she was a freshman and he was a senior

and my parents were cool because everyone was up front

but on-line friends?

I would say no to her

and encourage her to make friends closer to your home area, not necessarily in her own age group

some kids are mature enough to handle older friends

[Mike Daniels]

73. Looking back on myself as an 18 year old male

I can't think of anything I would have in common enough with a 13 year old to carry on a running just-friends (or otherwise)phone or e-mail conversation.

Not to say there's anything sexual/romantic going on, but I'd think an 18 year old should be able to find someone other to connect with besides a 13 year old.

Probably no need to worry too much, but I'd still keep my ears and eyes pretty open and aware if I were in the same situation.

[jswordy]

83. It's possible he's been told she's 18 online, too

I mean, you can be whatever you want online. Me? I'm a 27 y.o. female nightclub dancer with a 38-24-38 body.

R-I-G-H-T!!!

[Samurai_Writer]

74. When I was that age....

I'm 44 with two grown sons, but I remember being 12-13, lying about my age (I was tall and easily looked a couple of years older), and having all kind of attention from older guys, thinking how cool it was. It wasn't. I ended up losing my virginity at 12 by being raped by a 20 year old college student up the street, one of those 'older guys' I thought was 'so cool'.

Please, PLEASE end this contact NOW, and have a long talk with your daughter about age differences and why it is inappropriate to 'be friends' with guys so much older than her. She KNEW you wouldn't approve once you found out his age, that is why she didn't volunteer the information. And I have a hunch he might not know her real age, either.

Peace,
Bella

[One_Life_To_Give]

77. Anything more than casual aquentance

in that situation/ages makes me very nervous. Exchanging gifts sounds like big trouble brewing. IMHO

[Allenberg]

78. Well, I'd say its possible.

I'm a 23 y/o male, and I've been coaching youth sports since I was 18. I've coached kids of both sexes from 10-14, and while its quite different, (I'm a well-adjusted, happily married, NYSCA Certified kind of guy) who incourages alot of parental involvement, I keep contact with a few of my former players through email (no phone or gift exchange) that I became a sort of mentor to. If its a mentor thing, and not quite a buddy-buddy thing, I'd say that's alright.

[the Princess]

79. Possible sure - but dangerous

You're walking on thin ice with a 13 year old. No matter what you say the relationship is - it could be considered inappropriate by her parents and you could be in big trouble.

I say take a step back and really look at what you have in common with a 13 year old child.

You need to be very careful.

[UncleSepp]

80. Yes, especially online friends and pen pals

I am in my early thirties and have many online friends. One is a 15 year old girl, and another is a 13 year old boy (we started chatting when he was 12). We share a common interest in history, and met on history discussion boards. When I was 12 through 18, I had two male friends who were in a band together, who were 21 when I met them. We sent letters (there was no email) and sometimes my mom would take me to hear the band, or I would go say hi when I was at the mall and one or the other was working at their regular jobs in the mall. There was no funny business going on, just fun and silliness and letters about anything from physics to sci fi to music.

Now about the online friends. To be responsible about things, I made sure to chat a few times with the 12 year old boy's mom and aunt, just so they would know I wasn't some kind of weirdo and that they could always chat to me or email to me. You might want to chat with this guy a bit. As long as everyone can freely contact everyone else, and as long as your daughter knows that if he says anything that makes her uncomfortable, she can come to you about it, then your bases ought to be pretty much covered.

There could easily be a big brother-little sister type of friendship going on, as easily or more so than something dangerous. Talk with her, talk with him. Find out.

[jswordy]

82. If they'd met in real life, sure. On the Net? No.

It has been my experience that Net "friendships" between young people of disparate age like this are almost universally not a good thing.

I make my point about real life meetings for two reasons: First, it highlights how RARELY two kids five years apart in age would hang with each other in real life. Different schools in the same district, even. They just live in opposite worlds at those respective stages. Second, it shows how it would be OK if they did know each other, because their acquaintance would obviously be because of some aspect of adult intervention. Like a family party or something. Or next door neighbors.

Bottom line: If you would not be comfortable with an 18 y.o at your front door to see your 13 y.o, that's all ya need to know. Add in the secret-keeping, and something is amiss there. You are right to be concerned.