My brother-in-law's father's cancer has spread to the bones.

[Pale Blue Dot]

My brother-in-law fits in with my family very well - his reaction to extreme emotions is to make jokes about it. Over Christmas his father made him and his brothers hug and tell each other how much they love each other. We laughed and laughed about this - I know it seems cold, but if you knew Chas and his brothers, you would know how funny this is. They DO love each other, but they would rather stick needles in their eyes then have a touchy-feely love-in.

Anyway, his father is going to die. Probably before the end of the year. And I'm not sure how to approach this with my brother-in-law, who is not going to want to wear his emotions on his sleeve. Any suggestions?

[bigwillq]

1. No suggestions at this moment

I wish all the best for your family at this difficult time.
I just got bad cancer news about one of my family members too.:hug:

[ocean girl]

2. Tell him that anytime he needs to talk, to call you.

Sometimes the most simple gestures are the most powerful.

[SarahB]

3. Just be there for him.

Accept how he needs to grieve and just listen. I'm sorry for your family. :hug:

[Quakerfriend]

4. So sorry for your brother-in-law and his family Finnfan

I will tell you that I had Cancer 7 yrs ago, and was close to the end.

Most important thing to remember is that those who are sick just want to be seen as the person they've always been. When you see them, remember to look beyond the shell of a body, and show them that when you look in their eyes you see the person inside. Remember that he is still there as always.

Try not to look away, tho it may be painful to see him. Do not look upon him with pity, but with loving kindness.

And, most of all know that we do go on...on the other side, and we do see our loved ones again.

James Van Paughn wrote a wonderful book, "Talking to Heaven"
Your brother-in-law may find comfort in this book after his father passes over.

[CubsFan1982]

5. I mentioned this in another thread...

My uncle had bone cancer, as well. Just remember that doctors aren't always right: when my uncle was originally diagnosed, he was given less than a year, too. He survived three years past the diagnosis. So keep that in mind.

My best suggestion for you is to just let your brother-in-law know that you're there for him if he ever wants to talk. Be there, whether he wants to discuss it or not. Don't pressure him to talk about it, let him come to you. My best thoughts out to you guys, I hope somehow he manages to beat it!

[jus_the_facts]

6. Just be supportive by lettin' him know you're there for him.....

....if/when he wants to discuss it with someone....so sorry for his Dad....the bone marrow transplant is gonna be extremely stressfull on my Dad...will be 3 to 6 months in the hospital...and under quarenntine for most of it as well. Thanks again for your kind words about my situation. :loveya: :hug:

[NNadir]

7. I saw both my parents die slowly from tumors.

People had a hard time talking to me about it.

Whatever you do, don't change the subject if your brother-in-law wants to talk about it. Don't avoid it. After the death, if your brother-in-law raises the subject talk freely and openly about his father and remark on all the positives of his father's life that you can recall.

During the process of the death itself, follow the leads of the people closest to the dying person. These people are usually in this order: The person who is dying him or herself, the spouse, the children, the in-laws and then everyone else.

The spouse, if there is a spouse, will need the most care.

Also understand that not everyone deals with grief in the same way. What is necessary for some people may seem disrespectful to others. Be very tolerant and avoid being judgemental in any way.

This is just my advice from my experience.

My strongest condolences to your family.

[July]

8. Try to be there for B-I-L on a regular basis.

If you talk to him regularly, he will let you know when he needs to talk. The rest of the time, he'll be glad to have someone in his life who just wants to be with him.

It's hard, but tell him at least one time that you want to hear what he wants to say about his father. Having lost my father, I can say that I just wanted to tell people about him sometimes. You could just ask him what he loved about him, or what he thought he inherited or learned from him. And if he doesn't want to talk, just do stuff with him on a regular basis. Sometimes people stay away because they don't know what to say. He might welcome a chance to go out and not think about his sorrow for a little while.

You'll know what to do, you seem like you care enough to make a stab, that's all that matters.