Rules for dating a country man's daughter...this is funny

[yellowdogintexas]

Hey all this is something I use to know when I was younger.This is 10
Simple Rules for dating a country man's Daughter.I hope you get a
laugh out of it,I still do-Shea

and I Yellowdogintexas, can tell you that I am pretty sure my dad at least thought most of this even if he did not actually say it.
And I don't think it is actually exclusive to "country" fathers, even if my dad was one.

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to
the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,
and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes
do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my
daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing
a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when
it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting
the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you
do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater,
and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a
strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-
aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am
the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a
shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the
voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for
you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway
you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no
need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is

[steve2470]

1. this is really funny and true to life :-) nt

[neuvocat]

2. Sounds like he hates competition.

[Skittles]

7. it's a bit creepy

nt

[bleedingheart]

3. I should print this out so that in about a decade when my daughter

starts dating my hubby can use them as his rules as well.

[xmas74]

4. My dad wasn't this bad

but he came close.

[Autumn]

5. Thats hilarious, but

what is the last sentence?

[yellowdogintexas]

9. "The camoflaged face in the window is mine"

sorry, I cut it off when I did the copy and paste,
and I really did try to add it to the letter, but apparantly it did not work.

and in reference to the last post, Peter Fonda would be perfect; I hope he does not have to carry out his threat


although Tommy Lee Jones would be pretty good too

[MrSlayer]

6. Unfortunately, I have this coming in a few years.

I'm going to try to have fun with it though.

[ashling]

8. I love this, especially "I will take a nail gun and fasten your

trousers securely to your waste." Oh, and the barrier method.

I am just sorry to see that you posted it before I did.:) . . . and that I hadn't seen it when my oldest daughter was dating: I always told her I wanted an application and at least 3 references - and be prepared to wait for the FBI check.

To give actual credit, it is from the book Love, Sex, and Tractors: the eternal triangle, by Roger Welsch, author of Old Tractors and the Men Wo Love Them." It is a pretty hilarious book.

Being the proud former owner of a 1950 E Ferguson tractor (youknow, the guy who developed the Power Take Off for the Ford N tractor, before Henry Ford screwed him.)

on edit: no, the Fergusons were grey, not red ... however, this is a common misconception.

It comes with the following endorsement by Peter Fonda, "noted enviornmentalist and animal rights activist":
"I would napalm every black footed ferret's nest to get the lead role in the movie that will undoubtedly come from this incredible book. A must read."

[MrSandman]

10. Most important...

Don't go on Wolverton Mountain...eom