For any pilots, or aviation buffs.

[Archae]

These are hilarious.

Here are some reasons to listen to Channel 9 while sitting on United Flights...you could spend the entire flight laughing. Hope these put a smile on your face...

Actual Air Traffic Control Exchanges from various sources:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

> ==============================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

> =======================================

>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

> ======================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

> ==========================================

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not
able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

> ==========================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

> ====================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by
yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another
landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

> =========================================

German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

> ==========================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to ! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Behind the Aegis]

1. Air traffic control

My brother is an air traffic controller...he will get a kick out of this!

[Sgent]

2. LOL

I've seen some of these before, but their still funny.

I was in a Bonanza once flying over North / South Carolina (which is one LARGE military operations area).

Flight Control: Cessna 5 hotel pappa, you are cleared for takeoff. Climb to 3 in 10 and turn right to 120 degrees, finish ascending to 9, and turn left 360 to resume course.

Cessna 5HP: Thanks sir, I'm going to do a little site seeing, so I'm canceling my flight plan and will go VFR.

Flight: Plan canceled, good flying...

<a little later>

Flight: Cessna 5HP You are over an active MOA (Miltary Op. Area). Please turn 180 degrees immediately.

<a few minutes later>

Flight: Cessna 5HP, you have now entered into an active artilery range, and are low enough to get hit by projectiles. Make your way out of the area by turning 180 degrees for 10 miles. Land your airplane at the nearest available airport....Dumbass

Cessna 5HP: Shit..Shit..Shit..Ok, I've come around, sorry.
....

Its something that you had to be there for, but the cessna was such a cocky SOB to the tower (earlier in the conversation), that every piolet in radio distance was cracking up.

[Archae]

4. And the Cessna pilot...

No doubt had to go change his shorts. :D

[JohnnyRingo]

3. Priceless....

this was my favorite....Not everone knows that English is spoken at all international airports:

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."