Need advice

[ccvirgo911]

My husband just filed for divorce. Although I was going to at a later date, it pretty much devastated me. We have a 13 year old son who has been witness to all the horrible things that go on in a household disinigration.
I am in college and I work, making below poverty level wages. He has a good job, and makes most of the payments on the house, car, etc. My question, beyond the obvious one(get a lawyer), is can he get custody of my son simply because he is the one who makes all the payments, and usually the child goes with the parent who keeps the house? I am not in a position to pay for anythning since he has cleaned out our joint accounts. The only way for me to make the payments is to quit school and go to work, and even then, I doubt I could keep up with everything. I am lost here, and maybe just need a shoulder to cry on. Thanks for any advice.:cry:

[Lars39]

1. I am SO sorry you are going thru that.

It doesn't sound like he's going to be too amicable.
I don't know any of the answers, but here's hoping others will.
Big hug. :hug:

[Nevernose]

2. How's your son taking it?

I don't have much advice, except to say that I've been there, and to assure you that things DO get better.

Usually the mother gets the child, regardless of who makes more money. Things are changing these days, but it's still the mother, on average, about 80-85% of the time.

Child support, alimony...get a lawyer (if you happen to live in the Las Vegas area, I can recommend a real barracuda :evilgrin:).

How much equity do you have in the house? If you think he might get it: sell it, split the cash, and buy a condo (assuming its worth anything).

How's your son taking it? How are YOU taking it? Divorce is one of the hardest things the three of you will ever have to do; I'm SOOO sorry that you have to go through this.

:hug:

[Pert_UK]

3. I'm so sorry to hear this.....

My folks went through a messy split too, and I know how hard it can be for everyone involved.

If you can keep it "civil" between you and your husband then it will help a hell of a lot.....having said that, if he's cleaned out the "joint" accounts then it sounds like he's playing dirty from the start. I would hope that there's some law that prevents him from doing this, but it would be a difficult one to administer.

I don't believe that he'd get custody solely based on the fact that he pays for stuff, but you DO need to talk to a lawyer about all this......for example, did he empty the joint accounts in order to bankrupt you, make you homeless and therefore force you to give him custody of your child? I'm sure that this wouldn't be acceptable behaviour.

Anyway - I wish you all the best at this difficult time. You will get through it!

P.

[Fenris]

4. Custody is not awarded on the basis of financial status

At least, not solely on the basis, although it can become a factor in judging a parent's household stability. In regards to your situation, I doubt that any court would refuse you custody of your child because you're in college and make low wages. It depends on a variety of factors. Finances are something looked at extensively, but you shouldn't assume that because you cannot support a child the court would deny custody. Think child support payments.

And you have all of my sympathy, ccvirgo911. I worked for a family law practice last year doing research. Custody cases have to be the most horrible thing to have to go through. It got to me after a while. But don't assume you have a lost or hopeless cause. Far, far from it.

And get a real good lawyer. It makes all the difference.

{{{hugs}}}

Fen

[prolesunited]

5. I'm sorry for what you're going through

But I think your first step is to get a lawyer NOW. Don't wait. It already appears as if he is running circles around you and you need to take legal action before he wreaks any more financial havoc.

As far as who keeps what, it really depends on what state you are in. But just because he makes payments doesn't necessarily mean he gets to keep the house or your son. Custody still tends to favor the woman, regardless of how much money he has. He would simply be ordered to pay child support.

I'm sure there has to be a ton of information on the net as well as support groups. I hope both of you can work together to protect your son. That's such a hard age as it is. He doesn't need additional trauma.

Take care.

[jiacinto]

6. I am not a lawyer, so please keep that in mind

Disclaimer: I am not an attorney and thus am not giving you any "professional" advice. For your specific situation a lawyer can give you definitive answers.

But I would say that your ability to support your son may very well be a factor that the Court decides in determining which parent to whom to reward custody. However, I doubt it is going to be the DECIDING factor. Usually the biological mother has an edge--or at least that's what I've been been told.

I am sorry about what is happening to you. You get my deepest sympathies. I, myself, am going through a very hard time here in Florida. I am in between jobs and need to find something soon. So you are not alone. My heart goes out to you.

But in going through this experience you are learning a lesson, albeit "the hard way" unfortunately. Whenever a woman gets married she need to maintain some level of financial independence. Women should have their own investment accounts, savings accounts, checking accounts, and bank accounts. Having a joint account for shared expenses is reasonable. But women need to be independent and have their own financial history. Otherwise, should the worst case scenario take place, they will be ready to handle these difficult situations.

You are in my thought and I hope that everything works out for you.

[La_Serpiente]

7. Some advice for your son

I'm a 19 year old who was devastated when my parents got divorced. They divorced when I was five years old.

I was really depressed afterwards. It wasn't a pretty divorce, but it was best that they split up.

However, although I knew it wasn't my fault, I still felt very depressed. I wasn't angry, but I just felt this sense of isolation.

First and foremost, you've got to be strong throughout this entire thing. Do you have a support group or network? Is there anyone that could help you out a little bit? Be your shoulder?
Your personal welfare is first and foremost.

Now, about your son.

It depends really...is he really sensitive? I am that's why. If he's not the sensitive type and he doesn't like to expose his feelings, that's not good.

Both you and his father need to sit down with your son and talk to him about it. Don't be like my parents and talk about it for 2 minutes to a five year old. It's going to be difficult, but you have to stay strong.

Talk to him for as long as possible. And make sure your ex talks too. He just can't stay there and be silent.

I remember the thing that hurt me the most was not that I thought it was my fault. What hurt me the most was that I couldn't understand the world around me. I couldn't make sense of things happening. Well, I was five then and your child has reached the beggining of adolesence. But still yet, he's going into a very difficult time in his life. Things are changing for him.

But I couldn't understand the fighting my parents were a part of. There was just so much hate, I could feel it, but I couldn't understand it. Even though both my parents loved me very much, I just couldn't handle the hate. That's the thing that ate me alive and almost stole my soul.

It's imperative that you talk to your son. And it can't just be on one occasion. There will be a number of chats with your son. And your son must see your father unless you strongly object because of the father's behaviour.

I now understand what happened to me. But it took a really long time. Too long. All because my parents never sat down with me and explained it to a five year old because they were so sick of each other.

Perhaps one other thing that should not happen is asking your son to find out information about your ex. That's the last thing that should happen. He shouldn't be a pawn in your former relationship. If your ex does tells your son to spy on you, you should call up your ex. If he continues to do it, talk to your son about the infighting. Give him the confidence to tell his father to cut the shit.

Just adding what I feel.

Have a nice day!!! :-)

PS...I reccommend you listen to some Bob Marley. It will cheer you up.

"Don't you worry....
"About a thing....
"Cuz Everything thing...
"Is going to be alright....
"don't you worry....
"About a thing.....
"Cuz Every little thing....
"Is going to be alright....

"Woke up this morning"
"Listening to the rising sun"
"three litte birds"
"Are on my doorstop"
"Singing a sweet song"
"A melody pure and good"
"Singing, this is my message to you"

Cheer Up!!!! O8)

[scucci]

8. Oh, honey, You've made me cry!

I can't do anything to help you other than be here. If you need to talk I'm here. I'll be thinking about you regardless.

[ccvirgo911]

9. Thank you all so much

for your kind words and support. As are all divorces, my story is long and compicated. Suffice to say that my son was told several months ago that the reason our family may break up is because I don't love his father anymore. In his eyes, I caused this whole thing. I am trying really hard to keep the lines of communication open, but it seems my son blames me for everything and has closed off from me. I have been going to school for four years and have five classes left for my degree. I don't think I can bear it if I have to quit now and go to work full time at the restaurant I work at. My education is my ticket to freedom. There is evidence of adultery on his part, but I can't prove it. Right now I'm stuck. I feel I have no options. If I move out, I refuse to uproot my son to live in something I could afford. I just don't know what to do. And the worst part is that I will probably be served in front of my son since my husband asked for me to be served between 2-4 pm, right when my son is coming home from school. I knew this day was coming, but I can't express how hard it has hit me. Thanks for listening.

[Don_G]

10. I Feel For You

The only advice I can offer is to do what you can when you can.

It dosen't mean much now, but if you're straight up and flat up now, it will make a difference with your son and with the judge handling the divorce.

[La_Serpiente]

11. More comments

Just to add some things

If you are supposed to see your son during your allowed visitation hours, don't cancel it at the end unless it is an emergency. Your son will feel distrust toward you if a promise is broken. Broken promises become more pronounced and emotional when they are broken.

How do I feel about your college? I think you should take a semester off. You need to relax and get your life in order. You can't do a million things at once. You need to settle down before you get a heart attack. I also reccommend that you see a psychologist at this time. You are obviously dealing with serious emotional problems that only a psychologist could put into perspective for you.

Your relationship with your son seems strained. I think you should discuss this with a psychologist also. I don't know the answer, but I would trust a psychologist with a credible answer.

I hope you get better both physically and psychologically. You are obvoiusly going through many things right now.