"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"

[nytemare]

Remember this from SNL?

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

[flamingyouth]

1. I miss Phil Hartman

He was so funny.

[Huckebein the Raven]

2. That was a good segment on SNL

[nytemare]

5. Another one for you!

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

[BrklynLiberal]

12. ................

[Huckebein the Raven]

13. of the family: BFEE

[Huckebein the Raven]

14. LOL. That's good.

[HeyManThatsCool]

3. One of my favs

RIP Hartman

[nytemare]

7. Phil has another one for you!

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like

[tjdee]

4. I once spent an afternoon in a book store dying of laughter over that.

The book, I mean. It was hilariously funny for me at the time.
Still funny, too.

[nytemare]

9. Trying to get to 1000 posts tonight, so here's another one!

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

:)

[Bok_Tukalo]

6. I remember

"Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture."

[nytemare]

11. LOL!!

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

[HeyManThatsCool]

8. Jack Handys deep thoughts

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).


To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.



It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.



How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.



There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.

[khashka]

10. My Favourite

Violating copywrite here, but what the hell....

One things kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no", I said, "Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.

I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Rest In Peace Mr. Hartman, you are missed.

Khash.

[Toby109]

15. Another?

"When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car."

[CanuckAmok]

16. And topical, too!

"I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him."


And my personal favourite:

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad."