THe lack of joy of the lack of sex. (Not a sex thread).

[coloradodem2005]

This is in reference to the need that people have for sex and the problem that some of us have accessing that.


The problem I have is thatI have had some real problems with women since I was about 11. I had anxiety about them and then some really mean girls picked on me. Had problems in middle school and high school with women. Later in High School, I started going to church where they were saying that one should remain celebate and did this through early college. By 2000, the damage had been done. Have had problems with women in college and here I am. I cannot really say what led me here. I just don't understand what got me to the point I was even at the end of high school and why I always had problems with women. THis is where the problems started.

The thing that annoys me is that everyone is telling me what I need. Everyone would tell me I need a girlfriend. Or they would tell me that I need to get laid or I need a girlfriend. They would tell me I was too serious and too hard on myself, about women and in general. On the flip side, I would hear people tell me that I wasn't working hard enough or the church I went to for 3 years would tell me I need to remain celibate and not listen to that secular music and what not. My mother told me that I needed a girlfriend based on my astrological sign. It's like everyone is trying to put me in their box to tell me what I need and define me.
I feel once again that I am being told by someone that I need something. In and of itself is frustrating and what makes it worse is that it is something that I have never had access to.

It has irritated me when someone has the gall to tell me "I bet that you will find someone and before you know it, you'll be married with kids." God I hate it when someone does that. SOmeone even said "I bet in 3 to 7 years that you will be married with a kid on the way. And your wife will be a knock out." That was in 2002. But, when he said that I just wanted to hit him.

I have gotten to the point where I almost can't stand being touched anymore half the time in my life. The other half I want it more than anything in the world. Frustration is 100% of my life. So, now I am using my anger to type this post while listening to some HARD rock music. THough I did throw a chair down just a moment ago.

[yvr girl]

1. First of all, this isn't an issue you should be following advice on

What do you want? What do you believe? I think you need to come to terms with these questions first.

If you find that you want a girlfriend, you'll need to relax about it. Try and avoid looking like you're ready to pounce on the closest female. Put yourself in the company of woman and just let it flow naturally.

[xmas74]

2. I am not going to say "I bet"...

but I am sure that, when you are ready, you will find someone. Sometimes it takes time to be ready to be in a relationship.
I was in an abusive relationship for five years. The outcome was my daughter, many restraining orders (renewed yearly) and a fear of becoming too close to anyone (except for my child. You don't know how hard I fought just to keep her).
I have issues and I know it. I am working on them. When I am ready to love myself, I will be able to receive love back from someone else.
When you are ready for it, it will come to you. But for now, just have fun! You don't need a relationship to do that.

[coloradodem2005]

5. This isn't just about love.

It is also about the utter absence of sex. People are telling me that I need it to stay alive and to mature. Of course that's another criticism I have taken. Some people say I am too serious and others say I am too immature.

But, evidently it seems that I have another cross to bear. Among my many failings. Why should I want to be in a relationship? So another woman has a chance to hurt me or to control my life? So I can end up divorced like my parents and everyone else in my family? But, hey, I have been told that I am immature. Of course I would describe the person who said that as extremely self-righteous. But, hey, I guess I am immature. THat is one of the reasons why I got preemptively pulled from student teaching according to one of the teachers. Why nobody will ever hire me for a job that is good that I can actually do. And why I have become such a fucking failure. See for a long time, I just thought I was a failure with women. But I am a failure with everything.

[yvr girl]

7. Sex doesn't make you mature

13 year olds can have sex, it doesn't make them grown-ups. More importantly, it's not going to solve your problem. You need to get some confidence. I know, easier said than done. Confidence will lead to success in many areas of your life.

Try something new, something hard. A sport maybe. Challenge yourself. Once you rise to a challenge, you'll face the next with a whole new attitude.

[coloradodem2005]

9. I challenged myself for years.

Hoping that I would make it and I lost.

[xmas74]

11. People fail.

That's life. It's the only way to learn and it is the only way, sometimes, to learn to appreciate what you do have.

[coloradodem2005]

13. Part of my failure was because other people would not let me succeed.

Even though I did everything I was supposed to do up to that point. THey went beyond their bounds and hurt me that way. But, hey, I guess it's cause I am too fucking immature and incompetent.

[xmas74]

14. No it's not.

People can be cruel. Some enjoy watching others fail just to make themselves feel good.
Prod the people further. Ask them what makes you so immature and ask for examples. If they are not able to give examples, (in an acedemic or work environment) you might want to voice a complaint. Some people will use any excuse to put someone down. OTOH, if they do give examples, listen and decide if the point is valid. If it is, then make an attempt to correct it.
Find a group of people, with similiar interests, to hang out with. If they are true friends, they will support you in whatever you do. I know that from experience. I have dropped a few friends in my day because of their negative attitudes. I am much better off.

[coloradodem2005]

16. I went through this with them.

It was 2 years ago. They used the fact that I was once a special ed student against me. They said I wasn't ready and they didn't know why. They did not give me any constructive feedback. Just kicked me to the curb. I had no recourse. If I filed a complaint or a lawsuit, I would have lost.

[xmas74]

17. Sometimes the point is to file that complaint,

whether you win or lose. It is a way to let them know that "you're on to them". I demand constructive critism every time. I expect examples of what was done wrong.

I think that the best thing for you to do tonight is to go to sleep. Tomorrow, you need to get out. Go shopping,see a movie, spend time in a park-anything.
Staying cooped up and moping does no good. Believe me, I know. I have pulled that same thing. It just won't help.

[yvr girl]

12. I know you're angry and frastrated right now

You're not in a good place, but your attitude...sucks.

Hopefully, you'll wake up in the morning and you'll see things in a new light. You have to believe something is possible before you can have any hope of achieving it.

Maybe you need to try something new. Pouting isn't going to help at all.

[coloradodem2005]

15. Have you ever gone after a dream....

...and come so close only to have people in positions of power screw you over at the 11th hour for some reason that doesn't make sense? Something that I had worked towards for years. Have you then tried to move on and pick up your life by looking for a decent job and have some people on more than one occasion tell you "You've got your work Cut out for you."? Have you ever taken rejection after rejection on job offers, finally getting hired for something. Only that something is not something you can do (involves telemarketing) but you took that job because it was the only one on the table. Got fired 3 weeks later because you couldn't possibly meet the quota because it was not a good fit for you? Go back to school and have to leave because your grades suck.

Been constantly screwed over by people of the opposite sex and the only people that ever seem to want you are ones that want to totally control you? Finally gotten to the point where you don't have any future? Everyone trying to fit you into their proverbial box. Tell you you're too serious, or too immature, or that you're too hard on yourself. Or you don't work nearly hard enough. Or that based on who you are and when you were born, you have certain needs that are indigenous to you that you can't have? Everyone trying to control every facet of your life on some level. Yes my attitude sucks. It didn't always suck. I worked. I thought I could make things happen. But I got screwed over. I want revenge against those who wronged me. But I can't get it. Yes, my attitude sucks. THink about that.

[yvr girl]

I'm pretty sure I have a few years on you, and yes I've lived a life

My dad controlled my life for far too long. Eventually, I said enough and made my own way. I've dealt with peoples' expectations and peoples' assumptions. I'll compare some of my bosses from hell with yours anyday.

I've had jobs that I hated, and that were wrong for me. I've also been denied opportunities I wanted.

I've kissed my share of frogs and so far, none of them have turned into princes.

You know what - that's life. I don't want to be unfeeling, I'm not unfeeling. I've certainly lived through a few wretched hours. I've felt alone and at a loss. I may not know your exact circumstances, but I've had dark times too. If anyone has lived at all, they'll have had dark times.

I'm just saying, that the only way you'll get out of your funk is to decide to do it. That doesn't mean you need to feel bright and sunny all of a sudden. You need to make a decision and take steps. One step at a time.

[hfojvt]

26. Bosses from hell is not the same thing

Most of my bosses have been okay. The worst part is when you Goyakod - (get off your ass and knock on doors), and the doors all get slammed in your face. I used to trudge around these towns looking for work, and after a couple hours of that, I hated everyone. Every step I took made me want to explode, and I hated all the people in cars driving by, because they could afford cars.

Then there is the part about frogs. It is not a question of having relationships that did not work. It is once again going from tower to tower and trying to find a Rapunzel who will let down her hair for you ("and when we get behind closed doors, and when she lets her hair hang down ..." sorry, a musical sidetrack). Instead you find many of them who will empty their chamberpot on your head just for kicks.

Tigger, pooh, piglet, kanga, rabbit, owl - they all have dark times, but they are not EOR.

Schroeder, Lucy, Linus, Violet, Patty, Sally, Pigpen - they all have dark times, but they are not Charlie Brown ("why is everybody always picking on me?")

Zaphod, Trillian, Ford, Arthur - they all have dark times, but they are not Marvin.

Marvin, EOR, Charlie Brown, and Ken the Monster cannot decide to stop being who they are. What they can do, is stop listening to Pinkl Floyd's "The Wall" and play some kick ass dance music, like Bon Jovi's "Bang a drum" or like Van Halen's "Hot for teacher". Dance therapy, even if your mood does not improve, your blood pressure will.

Also, attend a local meet-up and try to do some volunteer work.

[hfojvt]

21. I think I have

One piece of advice. Do not share your dreams with very many people. There are too many people who will tell you it cannot be done. Too many times I have let them get to me.
I did not actually get fired from a job until just before my 40th birthday, but lots of my students made it very plain that they thought I sucked as a teacher. (I have not taught now for 15 years).
When I quit my good job in 1986 I worked a series of shitty jobs since then. Mostly I got the jobs that it seemed nobody else wanted - 3rd shift at the lowest paying factory in town, janitor at a bar, temp work, shovelling snow, etc. The job I have now is pretty good, but I only have it because I am the only one who can get along with my supervisor.
I think you need to be more positive though. Like Charlie Brown always thinks he is going to kick that football. True, I never have made it to first base, and I never really expected to, but at least I went down swinging. Like the movie "Lost" (with Tom Hanks, I may be confusing the title with that stupid TV show) said: "You've got to keep going, because you never know what the tide is going to bring in." True, it usually brings in some sea-weed and dead fish, but there's always tomorrow.

[yvr girl]

23. The movie was Cast Away

[hfojvt]

25. Thanks, and I just thought

that has a double meaning if you feel like society's refuse. Many times I have felt like I was "Cast Away" by society, particularly employers and women.

[xmas74]

10. there is nothing wrong with not having sex.

That is your choice. I haven't had sex in (my goodness) 5 years. Why? Because I used to play the field and then I did fall in love. Sadly, some of the freepers are right about one thing-sex is even better when you are with someone you love and care about.
Just be patient.

[hfojvt]

22. Well, there is nothing wrong with not having sex

if it is your choice.
If you want to have sex, but cannot find a partner who is both willing and desirable, then that sucks. It sucks bad. Very very bad. It is almost the worst. And the constant rejections take their toll too, and working up the nerve to ask a woman out, only to get your teeth kicked in. It is a little bit like trying to get a piece of chocolate out of a rat trap. You want the chocolate, and you think if you move right you can get the chocolate, but usually that rat trap comes down on your hand like the judgement of a sadistic god. Just keep trying, other people tell you, when they have no idea how much that hurts.

[Fridays Child]

3. You'll hear no platitudes or canned wisdom from me.

It sounds like you're suffering from social anxiety disorder, exacerbated by religious and cultural issues. If you can afford some therapy, go get it. Print out what you wrote here. Take it to the intake interview and give it to your therapist. And remember, if you don't connect with the therapist after a few meetings, it's okay to move on to a different one.

Edited to add: I don't know if it helps you to know this but you are most definitely not alone. Many people have similar problems. They just hide them as well as, or better than, you do.

[AngryAmish]

4. 2 ways to get around this

First of all, this is advice from a guy on an internet message board. I know nothing about you and I could be Charles Manson. Take anything you hear with a huge block of salt.

First, the easiest way to meet girls is to drink and go to bars. It really pushes one inhibitions way down. I got me over the hump when a teenager.

However, that is only window dressing and really does not get to the nub of the problem. (However, I love drinking).

The other, harder way is to feel better about one's self. Do something you thing would be hard for the average person to do. Learn a combat sport (its not really that hard). Spend a week by one's self in a real wilderness (harder than you think). Do something that would make one a real individual and it will do wonders for your self confidence. The opposite sex always flows from confidence.

[Radical Activist]

6. I hate it when that happens

I had a lot of conflicted feelings and some similar issues because I was raised in a religion that was very strict about sex as well, and I also had some girlfriends do some pretty seriously shitty things to me. It can be difficult to work through all that. I would echo another poster and suggest that talking to a therapist or psychologist of some kind is a good idea. If you're still in school you may be able to do that for free. It doesn't mean you have some kind of disorder, but it can make it a hell of a lot easier to talk through and work out things like this that aren't easy to deal with. That's my non-advice suggestion. In the end you have to take your own advice when you figure out what that is. Good luck and remember that yes it is possible to have an emotionally and physically healthy relationship with a woman, when you're ready for it.

[khashka]

8. yvr girl is right

What do you want? What do you need?

Those are the important questions. Another important question is the anxiety you feel. We all feel it. It's the scariest damn thing in the world to approach someone else - not even to ask 'em out on a date, but just to speak to them. Start a conversation.

You might want to talk to a counselor. Not because there's anything wrong with you but because they can help you find ways to deal with that anxiety and overcome it. I spent years half the time wanting someone to touch me, hold me and half the time wanting to tear their face off if they tried to touch me. It's a painful place to be.

The anxiety, the wanting, the anger - it's all real and immediate. But it's not working is it? It's not helping you get what you want or need, is it? So you need to find something that does work. A counselor could help you do that. Which is probably the last thing you want to hear. But it's true. Give it some thought.

Khash.

[JI7]

18. you don't have to be in a serious relationship with someone to have sex

if you have no problems with it then i think you should go to some bar, club or whatever and just find someone to be with for that one time.

that should satisfy the sex part.

but if you really want to be in a serious relationship first then it wont be so easy.

[Bouncy Ball]

There's nothing wrong with not having sex.

And there's nothing wrong with having sex (if a person is an adult).

[Bouncy Ball]

19. There's nothing wrong with not having sex.

And there's nothing wrong with having sex (if a person is an adult).

[Behind the Aegis]

20. The Agenda!

Have you tried guys? It is my duty to recruit new members to the Gay Lifestyle! As we say: "ditch the bitch, make the switch!"

Just kidding! :)

On a more serious note, try to enjoy the time you have to yourself. It can be very lonely at times (the no sex thing), but don't be afraid to applaud yourself (give yourself a hand ;)). The biggest problems I have seen with people and finding that "right" person, is that they are uncomfortable with themselves. Once you are less ill-at-ease with yourself (such as being by yourself), the more you will find women looking at you. You don't have to be an arrogant asshole, but self-confidence is a GREAT way to attract others to you.

Sex is not the 'be all to end all.' It is important, but once "its" place is recognized, everything else seems to fall into place. Explore things that make you happy, for when you are happy, it shows! Don't give up!

As much as you might want to punch me in the face for saying this...the right woman is out there...be patient! :)

[3lefts]

24. You said "Frustration is 100% of my life."

If you are sexually frustrated, go rent a couple "escorts" and have your way with them.

Also...

1) No one can take advantage of you without your permission.
2) 99% of what happens to you is caused by you.

And finally...why are you putting so much stock into what other people "are telling you what to do"? Make up your own mind.

[coloradodem2005]

31. I did not allow these people to take advantage of me.

They did it because they are in charge and can do what ever they want. You do not have control over 99% of what goes on in your life. Not even close.

[Nay]

27. I will echo a couple of posters and say, "It's time for a bit of

therapy!"

Having been in a similar spot in my 20's (extreme shyness, social anxiety,too many guys after my bod rather than too few(just as bad as no one wanting you, believe me), some nasty people making remarks that destroyed whatever self esteem I had) I will tell you that I wish I had had the sense to go straight to a therapist then rather than floundering around for the next 15 years. And if the first therapist doesn't seem to be helping, find another. You definitely have some anxieties, some depressive thoughts, and some incorrect thinking to sort through.

Don't wait, sweetie. Your life is waiting for you to actually step into it and zoom off. But you gotta take that step.

[Maine-ah]

28. I don't know if this will help or not but

I have self esteem issues, and most likely bi-polar. My father was bi-polar. I didn't recognize it until recently, and it's causing medical problems (long story). If you have no money for a therapist, like me, there are some legitimate websites that offer tests through question and answer. You might want to try one of them. Then follow through with the suggestions they have for self help. It's made a difference in my life. Good luck, keep your head up, you'll get through this. :hug:

[Nikia]

29. Stop concentrating on what other people want for your life

It is hard being a young adult. In high school and even college, there seemed to be a general path that was relatively easy to follow. Do the work, take the tests, and you will get a degree. The degree was supposed to make it easy to get a good job that you would like to do, but sadly that is now a myth. Although there are tons of books giving advice how to get a job, there is no set criteria for any one job. Even when you go to an interview, you don't really know if they already have someone in mind but are just going through the motions. Once you get a job, the job might be dead end, even if they say it is not.
As far as relationships and sex go, yes some people were having them in high school and college. Some people even get married from relationships that they have in high school and college. Some of these marriages last and some don't. Love is definitely something that doesn't follow a set path. If the object of your affection does not feel the same about you, there is nothing that you can do to really change her mind. Just like the dead end job, there are dead end relationships too.
Now, as a young adult, you told by others that you need a decent job and a girlfriend in order to be a proper adult. You go after these things in desperation, looking for anything, but not what you want. As my friend told me about interviewing for jobs that I didn't get, "The interviewer can sense if you don't really want the job. If you really want the job, you have to make sure that you say it and really believe it."
Unfortunately most of us need a job. Think about what kind of job you really want to do. If I remember right, you want to do political work. That might require volunteer work to get the kind of contacts and experience that you need in order to get a paid position. What would you like to do in the meantime? Might that require relocating where there are more jobs in that field compared to the number of qualified people? If you cannot relocate are there jobs that you could try out that perhaps you haven't considered because you feel that they are beneath you (working at a restaurant or factory) or are too "female" (working as an administrative assistant)?
As for the sex thing, you don't necessarily "need" it. You have survived so far. A small percentage of people are celibate for life. A larger percent are celibate for most of their adult life. Not to turn this into a sex thread, but biologically an orgasm with yourself is still an orgasm.
As far as relationships, I think that people put too such emphasis on sexula relationships these days. Good friends can provide you as much emotional support as a sexual partner, especially if there is any trouble in the relationship. It sounds like you might have problems with you femaily providing emotional support, which I know hurts.
Regardless, do what you want, rather than what they want. Even if you want the same things, it will take a lot of pressure off you to know that you aren't trying to meet someone else's expectations. Work on knowing, believing, and doing what you want.

[madison2000]

30. A lot of people are afraid of single people because they are afraid

of being alone and they project their fears onto us. I have been in relationships but never been married. And I have to say that in some ways I like being alone. I like it better than being with someone who I am not well matched with. However, in my family, there has always been pressure to get married.

The thing is, people that make predictions and try to push you are most often speaking out of their own fear of being alone, even though they've never tried it. For me the worst part of being alone is the crap you have to put up with from people who don't accept you as you are. They would find it very offensive if somebody said: "You've been married to 3 idiots in a row- why don't you try being single for a while?". But they don't think twice about giving their opinion that you or I "should" be married.

I try to just tune it out.

[Wat_Tyler]

32. My serious opinion would be to seek counselling.

I think it would help.

[Glenda]

33. I used to hang out on alt.support.shyness...

and it was interesting. A lot of guys there had difficulty relating to women, and most had never had sex. I think you would find a lot of support there, although it can be a little misogynistic (mostly because the guys are sooooo frustrated). I haven't been there in a while, so I don't know what it's like now.

It's interesting, because most people assume that it's easy to get sex or a s/o or whatever. But for some people, it's really difficult. So I understand to some degree and I feel for you man

:hug:

[steve2470]

34. One word: counseling. Good luck man, I feel for you nt