Things your Dad, grandfather and uncles used to say

[Character Assassin]

The idea comes courtesy of fuckedcompany.

Grandfather
"Jesus, boy, even a goddamn gorilla learns from experience"
"Son, never trust a man with two first names"

[Booberdawg]

1. Things dad used to say

"Go play in the street"
"Go steal pocketbooks"
"I'm so hungry I could eat a barrel of owl shit"
"I'm so hungry I could eat the north end of a south bound skunk"
"What was the last part of the horse that went over the fence"
"Why doesn't hair grow on footballs"
"I haven't heard from so and so since Christ left Chicago"

I'm sure there are others I just can't think of right now ...

[Character Assassin]

2. You want sympathy?

You want sympathy son? Fine. Look in the dictionary, you'll find it right between 'shit' and 'syphillis'.

[Booberdawg]

3. Who's asking for sympathy? I thought they were funny.

And I'm his daughter, btw.

[Character Assassin]

4. No, that's something someone's father used to say.

It was directed at you, silly.

[Booberdawg]

11. Well I thought you were just being a fart with me

;-)

[Richardo]

8. I heard the "Christ left Chicago" one too - but not from my Dad...

makes me laugh :D , and I'm not sure why. :shrug:

[dbt]

33. Maybe "Jesus Just Left Chicago" has something to do with it!

See Top, ZZ.

:evilgrin:
dbt

[kodi]

5. "always be away when they're moving."

who's "they"?

it dont matter.

[Semi_subversive]

6. Go out on the freeway

and play.
If you stick your fist in a bucket of water and then pull it out, is there a hole? (Anyone is replaceable).

If the lawn dies, so do you!

[Philostopher]

7. My dad used to say:

"Ronald Reagan is proof positive that there are more horses' asses in the world than there are horses."

He said it about many people, actually, but most often about King Ronnie.

[Padraig18]

9. My daddy used to say:

"Your mam and I have our faults, but raising fools for children is not one of them."

"Anyone who boasts of never having broken an 'honest sweat (engaged in manual labor) is not to be trusted with your money."

[Richardo]

10. My dad just repeats words and phrases (more than aphorisms):

"oh brother"
"pert' near" (close by)
"Much grass" (muchas gracias)
"Half of you guys come with me" (only said when addressing an odd number of people)
________________________________________

And words to live by...the following is the entire text of the "father/son" talk we had when I was getting ready to leave for college:

Dad: "Don't do anything stupid"
Richardo: "OK"

I failed at that, of course - I was in COLLEGE!

[VelmaD]

12. I still live by...

the lessons my daddy taught me.

"Never play someone else's game...especially for money."

"Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat"

"No blood no foul"

"If you didn't get called for any fouls then you didn't really play"

"Check your old" (which is Dad-speak for "I love you") :-)

[trof]

13. Grandpa: If you (do/don't do) that I'm gonna snatch a knot

in you long as a railroad.
To this day I don't know what that means, but he never did snatch a knot in me (to my knowledge), anyway.

He called me "whistle-britches". Possibly I was very gaseous as a child? Some things never change.
;-)

He also called me "shugah-foot". When I held my grandson for the first time I understood. Toes that have never been shod or touched the ground are delightful things to nibble, especially for the nibblee.
(and don't tangent off into some kinda kinky toe-sucker thread here:-()

He told me to "straighten up" a lot. Maybe I slouched?

When I was in a hurry, he said "Slow down, boy. You're about to eat up the place you're going." I had no clue. I later learned from his sister (my great-aunt) that it was an old family story. His brother worked as a transfer agent for the railroad. Birmingham was a fairly major rail center. Uncle "Son" (Leon) made sure that freight got transferred from one train to another in order to reach it's proper destination. He was clearing out a baggage/freight car and came upon a goat. The goat should have had a destination tag on a rope around his neck. No tag. He asked the attendant where the goat was going. "I don't know Mistah Leon, he done eat up the place he's goin".

How long y'all gonna be around? I could prolly keep this up for a spell.
:-)

[Booberdawg]

15. LOL! Bring it on!

[trof]

28. "Who-shot-John"

Any time grandpa heard about something that he knew was pure BS he'd say "Aw, that's just a buncha who-shot-John".
Have no idea where that comes from.

He called my grandmother "wifey". Never heard him call her by her given name (Mildred) or anything else. My mother was always "sister". That could be a southern thang.

His name was Marvin, but his sisters called him "Bud". He (and they) called me "Buddy", although I had another nickname from birth (still have it). No one else in the family called me Buddy.

[dbt]

37. "Snatch a knot in you" means

Grandpa was about to call your bluff. Your chain was about to be pulled so hard that it would give you whiplash so bad that your grandchildren would hurt from it.

We'll prolly be around til the crops sprout new, BTW
:loveya:
dbt

[Booberdawg]

14. Never leave your feet higher than your ass

there's just no good that can come of it.

[Character Assassin]

16. Now that was a funny one.

Playing around in the garage, building things w/friends or taking them apart:

"Goddman, it looks like three monkeys fucking a football"

[greekspeak]

17. "democrats is the debil."

Christian Rock Music is the Debil
Dungeons and Dragons is the Debil
Video Games is the Debil
Communists is the Debil
Presbyterians is the Debil
Anyone Not of My religion is the Debil
Hippies is the Debil
Bill Clinton is the Debil
Proctor and Gamble is the Debil

Well, at least my uncle has said those things.

My dad says things like
"Jesus H. Christ."
"Was Your Mother Frightened By A Light Bulb"
"For A While"
"Your Feet Don't Fit A Branch"
"Take this ear in this hand, and this ear in this hand and pull your head out of your ass."
"Negatory"

[greekspeak]

21. Had to add some of my grandmother's

Your as do-less as tits on a boar

She don't give two hoots in a rain barrel

My shoes got dirty off the "foot feed" aka accelerator pedal

Its just a pepperin' down (raining hard)

Good Night Nurse

She don't know water's wet

I pulled a boner (always elicited a big laugh, for she did not know what ELSE a boner was.)

Heavenly Days McGee

That's all she wrote Dear John

You Know what they say about an old rooster and a young pullet

Its hotter than Billy Blue Blazes

Your just wringing wet

[trof]

27. "Heavenly Days, McGee!"

From the old radio sit-com show "Fibber McGee & Molly".


Molly was Fibber's long suffering wife. At least once every show, in response to the disasterous and unintended consequences of yet another of Fibber's hare-brained schemes, Molly would exclaim "Heavenly days, McGee!".
http://www.compusmart.ab.ca/agirard/fibber/79.htm

[NaMeaHou]

18. Bill Cosby's gramps

Gramps smoked cigars because they kept the worms away.

[Esurientes]

19. "you've wiped your ass with a broken bottle"

Dad always said this when he disapproved of one of our dates.

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

20. Grandpa used to answer when people would say

Well, it takes all kinds.
he would pause for effect, shake his head slowly and say "Nosir, Not at all, nosir. We just have all kinds."

[mlawson]

22. I'd love to hear what my Dad would say about GWB.

I think it would be, "Just LOOK at that sorry, stupid little bastard!!" Then he would REALLY get started!! :-)

[Duncan Grant]

23. What a great thread!

My favorites from Granpa --

on politicians: "He's windy-er than a bag full of a**holes"

an insult: "Boy, he's uglier than a mud fence"

My dad has a lot of good ones but the only one I ever heard him say more than a thousand times:

"Can't never could do nothin'" -- I always liked that one!

edited

[SiobhanClancy]

24. "It must be five-o-clock somewhere"

My grandfather's answer to my grandmother when she expressed her view that it was too early for anybody to have a drink.

[ZenLefty]

25. He used to swear in Italian

That was probably the reason my family never wanted me to learn Italian. To this day, I still have no idea what he was saying.

[VOX]

26. Dad: "I'm gonna do this if it harelips the governor."

Not meant to be a dig at anyone with a birth defect, just an expression to convey the magnitude of dedication to a specific project or effort.

[dbt]

34. Arkie variation:

"I don't care if it harelips the Pope!"

:evilgrin:
dbt

[VelmaD]

35. With my dad it was...

"...even if it harelips every cow in Texas."

[Rabrrrrrr]

29. It's colder'n a witches tit

Always liked that one.

Also, for anything of which they thought there was too much of in a community, or the house, or the barn, etc.: "Can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting (whatever it was they were talking about)", such as "Can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting an Inqvist", for instance.

"Were you born in a barn? Close the damn door!"

"I'm not paying to heat the outside!"

"If a job (or task) is worth doing, it's worth doing well." or the corralary: "Don't do a half-assed job"

And one other all time favorite, I heard often directed at me and at many others when doing something stupid: "Dammit, boy, use your HEAD!"

[Mandate My Ass]

30. Sounds exactly like my dad

He fretted over the heating bill like Ebenezer Scrooge.

He tried not to swear in front of us, at least while we were really young so some of his exclamations were pretty funny. I particularly remember

Lord love a duck!!

Stealing food off somebody's plate when they weren't looking was playing "hookie no fenn." (sp?)

If one of us fell he'd say we went "ass over tincups."

He's an avid golfer and had us swinging golf clubs when we were preschoolers and when he was teaching us to putt he'd say "put some mustard on the ball, will ya?"

Notre Dame's football team to this day he calls the "rosary rubbers."

Whenever we complained about the nuns at school he'd say "don't talk that way about the brides of Christ." It took us a few years to realize he was being facetious.

[trof]

32. "in a brass brassiere"(sp?)

Colder'n a well digger's ass.

[fishnfla]

31. *snarf*

all the good ones are above

My dad;

"ya' psalm-singing old maid"

" I cried when I had no shoes, until I saw the man with no feet"

"phooey on you and all your relatives"

"are you bragging or complaining?"

"all a bohunk is , is a polack with 5 dollars in his pocket"

"lets fire up in this section"

"i'll drive, you just sit there"

"Dogs cant think"

"Guns and alcohol dont mix, you boys go get us some venison,"

[Throckmorton]

55. Some of my grandfathers adages went like this.

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man that had no class.

You can put your shoes in the oven, but that doesn’t make them biscuits.

People in glass houses, should get dressed in the basement.

It's colder than Lignum Vite outside.

If you’re so damn smart, why aren’t you rich.

That truck is a (insert year) Rolls-Canardly, it rolls down one hill, and can hardly make it up the next.

And one he stole from beanie boy, "That’s funny, and I mean Funny Peculiar, not ironic or Ha Ha."

[dbt]

36. The Incontrovertible Wisdom Of Grover Treadway:

"Cokes taste better in the short bottles."
"You don't make a living. You live on what you make."
"It hardly ever hurts to shut up."

From his mother-in-law, Bonnie Kizziar:

"I need this about like a chigger needs a sidesaddle."
"That's as useless as air brakes on a turtle."

From his little brother, Chuck:
"It's all pie but the crust."
"Nobody has more fun than people, unless it's dogs."

*SIGH* They're all gone and they still make me laugh!!!

:loveya:
dbt

[smallprint]

38. Kick

"Who let the duck in here?"

-- my dad says after a particularly loud fart

[Lydia Leftcoast]

39. My maternal grandfather was from Latvia, and

his favorite insult (in English) was "you big dumb!"

[2cents]

40. "Cheer up, it's gonna get worse" n/t

[newyawker99]

42. Congrats 2cents!! 200 posts

:toast:

[2cents]

47. Thank you - cheers.

[JohnKleeb]

41. grandfather still says

"its all about green"
and I fear hes right

[newyawker99]

43. From my grandmother.....

"If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."
"You make your bed, you lie in it."
"If you want to hear the tune, you have to pay the piper."

[Padraig18]

44. My granny always said:

"Only a fool would try to baptise a cat." :P

[Booberdawg]

45. Oh damn! That wouldn't be pretty!

[Generic Other]

46. If he said it once, he said it a hundred times:

"Don't chew your cabbage twice."

"You're as funny as a funeral."

"It takes two to tango."

"Don't give me any of your lip."

"Go take a long walk off a short pier."

"Weaving like a punch-drunk sailor."

"Pin it on the wall and we'll all take a crack at it."

"Whaddaya think? I'm made of money?" and its corollary: "You must think I'm John D. Rockefeller."

"You want me to beat you to a pulp?"

[Swede]

48. He's as useless as tits on bacon

[salmonhorse]

49. Dad ~

"You wan'na make'a wave you got'ta make'a splash."

"Doing a buisness deal on a handshake went out with the high button shoe."

"Some people are like sleeping with a hand grenade with the pin already pulled."

And after he almost hit a dog while taking me to Cummins Diesel (where he worked for some 20yrs) in L.A. as a kid one day I looked out the rear window and said as much to which he responded after looking at me askance,

"If you think I'm going to wreck a $5,000 car for a $5 dog you're crazy..."

[dmr]

50. My uncle's prayer

"Three potatoes for four of us
Thank the Lord there's no more of us
Pass the cake for my sake
Amen"

and when he was done eating and loosening his belt, he'd say:
"My suffonsifeed is suffonsified."

[Cat Atomic]

51. "(person) is proof positive that humans can mate with (animal)".

Usually directed at guys like Reagan, Bush, and that crew. The animal could be swapped out to be appropriate to the specific complaint (i.e. Ronald Reagan is proof positive that humans can mate with rats").

Sometimes he used it in reference to other people as well, like "that man is proof positive that humans can mate with buffalo" (in reference to a very large, ugly man).

[Cat Atomic]

52. My uncle was the only man in the family with no hair on his chest

And if anyone commented on that fact he'd always say, "hair don't grow on steel".

[Briarius]

53. No matter what we were eating

grandpa'd ask "Wonder what the poor folks are havin tonight" and whenever his brother would do the blessing at dinner, "Bill, we asked for a prayer, not a sermon"

[qwertyMike]

54. My mother was the aphorist

"Beware of small people"
"Never trust anyone with small teeth"
(Small fixation???)

"I laughed till the tears ran down my leg"
"Manners maketh the Man"
and crudely, advice to dating a girl;
"Get her laughing and her panties will already be around her ankles"

My Father when I told him I was getting married:
"It's OK for the first 6 months"
?!?!?!?!?!?