Judge my poem

[George_Bonanza]

If W. Bush and Rumsefeld writes poems, why can't we?

Go westward and follow the scent of water
And all shall see, who have gone to sought her

There forth is a land I cannot name
Which I have observed ever since I came

Her sentinel is a sprawling range
Of cliffs and peaks, that not for centuries, change

It is there to keep her a riddle
No elusive clues, even little by little

In the wake of morning
In shine or pouring

Her promising glow arcs from the north
Only when I care to look on forth

No trails scar her to invoke her wrath
And a flow of blue sea burdens the path

Some days a frosty mist comes over
On morns that are wet and ruefully sober

At lonely times I ponder
If ever I should waunder

To answer my own riddle, and see
What lies over those rocks for me

Dare I imagine an unspoiled land
Wild, pristine, and unmanned?

But could it be nothing like what I hope?
With reality sinking me more than I can cope?

I'd rather have it unseen and longed for
Than discovered and lost forevermore

So it lays in my wishes, untamed
Forever going on, unnamed

I just sort of ab-libbed those last five lines, so pardon any unevenness. It's not finished, and
a work in progress.

[soupkitchen]

1. Judge not, lest ye be so judged.

Read Yeats' Adams Curse


"A line will take us hours maybe
Yet if it does not seem a moment's thought
Our stiching and unstiching has been naught"

[kmla]

2. Really Nice prose. But whatever you do....

.... DON'T let John Ashcroft put it to music and sing it during a press conference. Just the memory of that vid clip sends shivers down my spine.

Please share it once again when it is done. I like it.
Except I don't understand that last line, "I just sort of ab-libbed those last five lines, so pardon any unevenness. It's not finished, and a work in progress."

Doesn't seem to go with the rest of the poem.

:eyes:

(Sorry. I'm an incurable smart-ass.)

[Fovea]

3. It's not finished...

Correct, you understand rhyme. But that is only one element of poetry, and unfortunately, not among the more important ones in modern poetry.
I am not saying this to be insulting, just trying to get you to really work up a sweat and write right.

Go look at William Carlos Williams, Wilfred Owen, or any of the other 20th Century poets... go find the works of Billy Collins, our poet laureate. You need to look at the entire scope of a poem, beyond simple moon, june, spoon, croon, balloon, paldroon, macaroon stuff.

You need to find the best part of it, and start over. If you are going to rhyme, you need a structure more sophisticated than the simple couplet. The novelty wore off that form before Chaucer.

That is not what contemporary poets call poetry, it is what poets call doggerel.
A poem is ideally a taut, single minded thing built with modegethanc as the Caedmon poet would say.

Don't give up, just go do some homework first. Poetry is not paint by numbers, it is macrame without a net.

My Bonafides...

http://65.64.114.185/poetry_files.html

[George_Bonanza]

6. Thanks

Real criticism was what I was after. got any more pointers?

[Fovea]

7. Yes

On edit... wrong link.

you have a good vocabulary, which suggests an ability to use words in a very deliberate manner.

Try this poem again... You know what you want to say, right? See if you can put this into 3 or four stanzas of 5 lines or less and say the same thing without rhyme, or with only one... do look at some of my stuff, this is not *just* my ego here. I am have been published *and* actually paid money for a couple of these.

See "The parable of the old man and the young" by wilfred owen...
Note how with one rhyme, the poet rips your heart out and stomps up and down on it.

http://www.poetseers.org/greats/wilfred_owen/the_parable

On the same page, look for the link to 'Dulcet et Decorum Est'



This is a man who wrote some of his best work while waiting to die of his WW1 wounds, and it shows.

I say, write like your hair is on fire.
Don't let criticism extinguish your sparks.

[patdem]

8. Thanks for the link...have bookmarked it...wonderful poems

but rhyming poems do not have to be simple, I think a rhyming poem is for people who would not otherwise read poetry because it seems so 'highbrow'

"Knowledge"

I have all my days knowledge sought
with nar’ a glimpse at wisdom.
Knowledge can, after all, be bought
and its cost not at all burdensome.

A wise person could look like anyone.
An educated one more distinct.
A wise one spends much time alone-
an underdeveloped social instinct.

And has not knowledge created its own
monuments to the skill of the learned.
I've seen the glow of the Santa Anna dome,
and, oh! the money such creations earned.

What, may I ask, do the wise have to show
for their reign this past millennium?
It's God, not they, who makes things grow,
and He'll protect us from spent plutonium.

Those who seek wisdom for wisdom's sake
have a difficult time I'll assure.
For truth is something that's hard to fake
and once out impossible to secure.

And could not I, with this knowledge gained
convince those foolhardy folks
(though all the while they are being feigned)
Knowledge becomes Wisdom when it molts?

[George_Bonanza]

9. What exactly are the weaknesses?

Is it the beat? I'd love to know exactly.

[patdem]

10. Read it over and over and over and over till you almost hate it

you will discover what needs to be changed by doing that alone.

Get the rhythm of a line...and impose that rhythm on the next line...change the words and use 'poetic license' to change two sylables to one ..the rhythm must be the same.

You can change the rhythm within the poem...but not within the lines
that need to rhyme.

[patdem]

13. Thank you for YOUR poetry...I have thusly bookmarked and will read

at leasure at length.

Rhyming does not make one NOT a poet!! I will argue that to my death! :bounce: :hi: :party: :bounce:

[patdem]

4. I love rhyming poems...I am a rhyming poet who has not written in awhile

I think you need to use the 'license' poetry gives you more.

Leave out some words (like, than...those sorts of mushy words)

'ere' is good to use if you need one sylable when the word 'ever' is used...

I do like this poem-its subject-its premise-its hopeful cynisim (LOL), and as you said it is not yet at its final stage.

Sometimes when one line seems out of 'balance' with another, I do a sort of 'da dum da dum da dum da dee' thing to hear the rhythm of the line.

I hope to see your rewrites!!! :bounce:

[Fovea]

5. I hope to see your rewrites!!!

Bingo. Writing is re-writing. One poem on the page above was published on its 25th draft .... Rain in Kansas is the title.

Note the structure. Note the careful use of language for sound, *and* inference. There was two weeks of work in one page of text, go thou and do likewise <smile>

[Dogmudgeon]

11. Guilty, your Honor!

--bkl

[patdem]

12. Here ya go...direct suggestions

Go westward and follow the scent of water
And all shall see, who have gone to sought her

Go westward and follow the scent of water
And all shall see, who've gone to sought her

There forth is a land I cannot name
Which I have observed ever since I came

There forth is a land I cannot name
Which I have observed ere since I came

Her sentinel is a sprawling range
Of cliffs and peaks, that not for centuries, change

Her sentinel a sprawling range
Cliffs and peaks not for centuries change

Do you get the idea...leave out as many words as you can without changing the meaning...


On edit: and anything ending with ed should be looked at??? I am not a teacher just a doer???

[George_Bonanza]

14. Ah so

Skim the fat, I get it. Thanks!