heh: I think Im the best mom in the world ( a rant)

[Mari333]

and Im blowing my own horn here. My youngest son is 20, and this summer I made him move out on his own. We live in a small town, and he was hanging out with a bad crowd. I decided enough was enough, and told him to move out on his own.
anyway, hes been on his own for a few months now, and tonight he told me how all his problems are "my fault". Okie dokie. I remembered being 20 and saying the same thing to myself.
Anyway, he is seeing a counselor, or he has seen one, so, when he started ranting away at what a horrible mother I was for not "disciplining him enough to be a man", I very logically told him to see his counselour.
I didnt get mad, I just stayed logical. I could tell he was trying to push my anger buttons. It didnt work.
everytime he railed and ranted about my "parenting" I just smiled and said "okay, tell your counselor."
He even said he hated me for his dad dying and me not being able to be a dad and a mom to him when he grew up.
"Okay tell that to your counselor" I told him.
I wouldnt let him get my goat, no matter how hard he tried.
I realize, he has never had kids. He has never been a widower, or raised 3 kids alone , as I did as a widow, he has never been thru any life experiences more then some kid who is 20. So, I just told him, when he said to me "Sometimes I hate you mom"

"Go ahead and hate me,. thats healthy. I hated my mom and dad too when I was young. Its okay to hate the way you were raised, its okay to be a better parent then I was..learn from it. I was 35 when your dad died, and I raised you as best as I could under the circumstances.."
He couldnt say anything. I gave him PERMISSION to hate me. and I really think its healthy for him to go thru this period of hating me, hating the death of his dad, and hating the way I raised him.
I went thru it as a kid of 20, and I eventually, after having kids, realized its a normal process.
Yes, tonight I told my son its okay to hate me, to be mad at me, and I also told him I dont hate myself, I love myself and I did the best I could as a 35 yr old widow.
and I know now I am a good mom, cause I could do that.
end of rant. Had to let it out.
PS...sometimes I think you need to let them hate you and allow it til they grow up and have kids of their own, and thats real love.

[Ellen Forradalom]

1. When you've seen hard times as a youngster

sometimes, when you reach adulthood, you have a lot of garbage to take out. Hopefully when it's all on the curb he'll be a much calmer young man and love you to pieces.

On edit: P.S. Very well done! I think you responded perfectly. This too shall pass.

[Mari333]

3. Yes, a lot of parents let their adult kids get to them

I remember blaming my parents when I was 20 for all kinds of things...sheesh I was such a jerk at 20..
Then I had kids, went thru hard times, and suddenly realized how hard it was to be a parent. I didnt let him off the hook altogether..I told him
"Look, Ill tell you...when U have 3 little kids, and YOu get awakened in the middle of the night with the hospital calling you telling you that your husband of 13 years has died a sudden death, and you have to tell your kids, and you have to raise them all by yourself, THEN we will discuss my parenting". He sort of shut up.
Hell, I did a lot of good things as a mom, and I know it. I was home with them all til they were grown, they had lots of stories and momtimes all their lives..they all read before the age of 5..I danced and played with them as kids, and they all had rocking and singing and homemade meals every night.
anyway I told him "You are a man now, you can discipline yourself now."
I think he needs to break away. I hope he does. I encourage it.

[Another Bill C.]

2. Good for you!

I doubt there's anyone who can understand your situation unless they've been there. I haven't been really successful at dealing with this but I'm on pretty good terms with my kids. Still, there's a lot of resentment over things I've done or didn't do and once in a while it flares up. Like you, I did the best I could with the tools I had and I hope they understand some day.

[dmr]

4. You just taught him about unconditional love

There's nothing like a mom's love.

[Mari333]

5. Oh I have some conditions

One of them is : call your counselour, dont bug me.:
the other is : Ill give you a few minutes to rant:
He doesnt realize it yet, but those ARE boundaries.
Hell, I had 27 years of life before I had kids, and Ill be damned if I am going to waste my life letting them whine at me after they leave home..
Im still young and 52..I have things to do. I have paintings to paint, writing to do, and life to live. I might even have sex again if I can wake my husband up.
So, there are some conditions..LOL