Post your favorite punch lines here!

[ironflange]

So the bartender says to the frog, "Goddamn it, this is the last time I show you how to do this!"

:bounce:

[Philostopher]

1. And the penguin says,

"No, no! It's just ice cream!"

[HEyHEY]

2. The Surrey Girl says

Nah they chip my teeth!

[pasadenaboy]

3. punchline

Because its rated Aaaarrrrgh!

[seamarq]

6. so the dog says....

"I've never had 20 bucks before!"

[damnraddem]

4. "No, nurse, I told you to ...

prick his boil!"

[phaseolus]

5. So Mickey Mouse (tm) says

"Naah, she was fuckin' goofy."

[Ivory_Tower]

7. And the second guy says

"Nah, I couldn't find the head."

(One of the sicker jokes I know...)

[5thGenDemocrat]

8. ...And the groom says

"That's okay, Father -- they won't let us into the A&P any more, either."
John
You'd have to hear the joke, though.

[Sal316]

9. Scoutmaster says you gonna die!

[Sal316]

10. You don't understand... chunks is my dog!

:eyes:

[NightTrain]

11. WARNING: This one is pretty ill!

So the farmer tells the traveling salesman, "Oh, those were maggots. My daughter's been dead for 12 years!"

[Ladyhawk]

12. Do you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?

n/t

[Dookus]

13. a pig like that...

ya don't eat all at once!

[NightTrain]

14. So Steve Buscemi says...

"If I'd known there was an octopus in my shorts, I'd have ordered the rice pilaf!"

[Ilsa]

15. So the grasshopper asks the bartender,

"Why would anyone name a drink 'Bob'?"

[catzies]

16. "Because he can!"

[never cry wolf]

17. They taste funny.............n/t

[kanrok]

18. Paulina, Melvina and...Lunt

[XNASA]

57. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

I know that one.

[qwertyMike]

19. "It looks like this"

(Spoken with twisted mouth)

[JohnnyAmerica]

20. "20 bucks, same as downtown" n/t

[mitchum]

21. "Me too...you could drive a truck through mine!"

[ronzo]

22. so the guy says "dammit, I said SIT on my face."

eom

[Richardo]

23. "Coffee break's over - everyone back on your heads."

:evilgrin:

[woofless]

24. The father slaps his forehead and says

Dayumm girl, I forgot I promised the car to your brother.

[alphafemale]

25. But, this one's eating my popcorn!!!!

That one got me grounded once.

It was worth it!

:evilgrin:

[Pert_UK]

26. Oh I'm sorry, I thought you said "organist"! Or....4 skin divers....

:evilgrin:

P.

[jus_the_facts]

27. Sister Mary says to St. Peter.....

..."...may I gargle with that holy water before Sister Margret washes her ass in it!!: :o :o :o :evilgrin:

[VOX]

39. Variant: Sister mary says, "Move over girls, I gotta gargle!"

:toast:

[jus_the_facts]

28. "...I think t'ther fellers from Arkansas!"

.....giddit...Umhum I RECKON!

[Twillig]

29. And the alter boy says:

a bag of chips and a soda...

[Kenneth ken]

30. and if he hadn't

been lying on top of her, she would have gone!

(thanks to MrScorpio for reminding me of that joke)

[moof]

31. Flashlight!!!! Heck help me find my keys & we'll drive out.

n/t

[RandomKoolzip]

32. "That's why he's so mean!"

Obligatory Firesign Theatre reference, sorry.

[woofless]

34. Hey Random

do you post on Phil Austin's blog?

Woof

[Cat Atomic]

33. Don't worry- that's not my *finger*.

[nemo137]

35. and then the bartender said "i'm gonna arrest your cat!" n/t

[jafap]

36. there I was, sitting in this refrigerator

Dog looks at him and says: "Mantle?"

Wife says: "karate, my ass!"

That horse don't know nothing about carburators

Superman, you can be a real pisser when you are drunk.

[trigz]

37. so the Pope says, 'don't worry, the Swede took my rucksack' (n/t)

[VOX]

38. "Well that wasn't so bad. Now, where's that alligator?"

:evilgrin:

[coda]

40. "Oh very well, I'LL hold the chickens!"

[peacefreak]

41. So the banker says...

"it's a nic-nac Patty Mac, give the frog a loan."

[av8rdave]

42. "...in Viet Nam"

Short punchline, GREAT joke

av8rdave

[WoodrowFan]

43. um is this 555-1212??? (NT)

[mac56]

44. "Okay! Okay! I'll do the dishes!"

:evilgrin:

[arwalden]

45. That's No Lady... That's My WIFE!

[mac56]

46. And a voice rings out, "If you do, I won't go get the money."

nm

[scrutineer]

47. So the duck says,

“Don’t worry about it, guys. You can put it on my bill.”

[mac56]

48. And the priest says, "Kid, you just never quit, do you?"

nm

[ScreamingMeemie]

49. And the bartender says,"Hey, why the long face?"

heeheehee

[MaineDem]

50. "Help, my boyfriend's stuck"

My all-time favorite joke! :D

[peekaloo]

51. Actually it says, "Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day".

[mac56]

52. "Whattya mean, there's no such thing as Tuesday Night Football?!"

nm

[bif]

53. "Pretty big word for a 6 year old"

.

[pdx_prog]

54. and the blonde says,

"sure, just don't hit me in the head like that."

[pdx_prog]

55. and the farmers daughter said,

"what's the matter paw did he fuck you too?!?"

[trof]

56. "So the butler stuck his d*ck in the mashed potatos."

The late humorist H. Allen Smith wrote a whole chapter about trying to find the joke for which this was (supposedly) the punchline.
Hilarious.

[mac56]

58. And the President says, "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

nm

[bif]

59. So they don't leave trails like slugs

n/t

[Aristus]

60. "Gee, that's a hard one!"

nm

[mac56]

61. Nobody cries when they chop up a bagpipe!

nm

[BarbaRosa]

62. And then the bartender sez to

Superman. "You know, Superman, after a few beers you get real nasty."

[WoodrowFan]

63. A benny shaved is a benny urned

told that one to my wife on our first date. she laughed and it was love!

[ironflange]

64. The priest says,

"Don't start that bullshit again!"

[Guaranteed]

65. So then the shrink says, "Well, first off, I can see yer nuts."

HA! LOVE that one.

[Character Assassin]

66. It says "sprocket" not "socket"!

[Undemcided]

67. and his friend shouts out

"turn her over"