Two engineering students walk into a bar,

[moof]

the first engineering student says what do you think of my new mountain bike.

The second engineering student says, very nice, what did it cost ya ?

Nothing, one of the cheerleaders gave it to me yesterday.

Really, why did she do that ?

Beats me, I was walking home last night minding my own business when she rode up on the bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[TrogL]

1. How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None. An engineer will try the switch first.

[MissMarple]

2. Huh, There are engineer jokes?!

That's great. I didn't think they had a sense of humor.

:D

[moof]

3. LOL you gotta be kidding

engineer jokes are the best.

[punpirate]

6. Some do, some don't...

... and I've encountered some very weird senses of humor in some.

But, if you're not familiar with the genre, here's another example:

Three engineers are discussing the nature of God. The first says, "If God made man, then he has to be a mechanical engineer. The joints and muscles are a mechanical marvel."

The second says, "I disagree. He has to be an electrical engineer. The wiring of the brain and the nervous system is infinitely complex."

The last says, "nope, has to be civil engineer. Who else would route a toxic waste line through a recreational area?"

Cheers.

[MissMarple]

11. Gotcha!

:bounce:

[speckledgator]

21. LMAO

my grandfather was an engineer...and had a good sense of humor...just never knew they were connected!

[Maple]

4. Why engineers aren't allowed to write recipe books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1)532 . 35 cm3 gluten
2)4 . 9 cm3 NaHCO3
3)4 . 9 cm3 refined halite
4)236 . 6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5)177 . 45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6)177 . 45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7)4 . 9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8)Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9)473 . 2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10)236 . 6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

[baby_bear]

7. You forgot something

They need to be chilled for 24 hours before baking...hence, cryogenic cookies!



er, sorry,....

s_m

[kodi]

25. us chemical engineers dont us cm3 we use grams for solid NaHCO3

solids are not usually defined by volumes, liquids are.

cm3 = millileter... you dont use cm3 for a solid

and a lot of comas were left out too.......

and i have done to many article reviews for chemical journals not to notice that yields were left out.

[Sal316]

39. LOL! This is more of a chemist joke!

I find it hysterical because I are one!

*guffaw*

[Langis]

5. I don't get it

[punpirate]

8. Are you an engineer, by chance? *smile* n/t

[uberotto]

9. There are 10 types of people in the world...

Those that understand binary and those who dont.

Is one of my favorites.

[Drifter]

28. Damn it ...

I didn't see yours.

Also a favorite.

Cheers
Drifter

[newyorican]

10. Stop pickin' on me!!

:cry:

[TlalocW]

12. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer

Were asked to give a definition for Pi.

The mathematician said, "Pi is the ratio of the diameter of a circle to its circumference."
The physicist said, "Pi, to 9 decimal points is 3.141592654."
The engineer said, "It's about 3."

Always got a big laugh around the mathematicians and physicists at my college. When I was in grad school, I learned this joke was pretty much on the ball. I switched from applied mathematics and tried electrical engineering. Second day of class taking an undergrad class to catch up on requirements, I ran into an impossible integration in the homework assignment. Surely they're not wanting us to use a computer program or some numerical way of doing this like Picard's, I thought. I went to the help session, and the grad student running it said, "Make this variable 1." I looked at it, and
saw that the integral was now easy to do. "Why do you make it 1," I asked. She said, "We just do." Oooooookay.

TlalocW

[moof]

13. A pastor, a doctor and an engineer

were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of

golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for

15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

Hi Stan. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind politians. They lost their sight

playing here last year when lighting struck them, so we let them play for free now."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a

special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my

ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[DrGonzoLives]

14. An English major gets a job after graduation

he goes to work and says, "You want fries with that?"

:evilgrin:

[Kellanved]

15. an engineer, a Software Engineer and a mathematician

are asked to build a fence to contain a cattle herd.

The Engineer is a man of action; he takes hammer, nails and starts working.

The software Engineer produces a 150p concept on how it might be possible to build the fence with minimal costs.

The mathematician grabs a few boards, and builds a short fence around himself. He then sits down and says "I define: I'm outside.".

[TreasonousBastard]

16. Three engineers are discussing what kind of...

engineer God is.

"Obviously he's a mechanical engineer. Just look at the way the universe moves so perfectly."

"Nope, he's an electrical engineer. Look at the use of energy and how the circuits in all living things work."

"He's gotta be a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste disposal system right smack in the middle of a recreational area?"


(on edit-- shit! someone beat me to it)

[baldguy]

17. Optimist: the glass is half-full

Pessimist: the glass is half-empty
Engineer: the glass is twice as large as it needs to be

[Atlant]

18. If architects built buildings...

"If architects built buildings the way software engineers
design programs,

Then the first woodpecker to arrive on the scene would
destroy half of civilization!"

Atlant
(A software engineer)

[Atlant]

19. Gallows humour...

It was the time of the French Revolution and three people were arrested as enemies of the people. One was a priest, another a lawyer and the last an engineer.

They led the three men out to the guillotine and first placed the priest in the stock and pulled the lever. The blade thundered down the rack and stuck just before it severed the priest's head. The crowd roared in unison "Its Gods' will - let him go free." And so he was released.
Next the Lawyer was placed in the rank and again the blade stuck half way down. Finally, the engineer was placed in the stock. He looks up and says " Wait! I think I see what the problem is."

[Atlant]

20. A trans-finite supply of engineer(ing) jokes...

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=%22Engineering+jokes%22

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=%22Engineer+jokes%22

[mac56]

22. How do you know if an engineer is an extrovert?

He's staring at YOUR shoes.

[WoodrowFan]

24. I LIKE that!

works for us historians too I think!!!

[speckledgator]

23. Thanks

for the early morning laughs....hehe

[Le Taz Hot]

26. Great thread!

OK, so I admit I didn't "get" some of these but the ones I did "get" were cute. :hi:

[Drifter]

27. There are 10 kinds of people ...

those who understand binary, and those who do not.

Cheers
Drifter

[Atlant]

29. What is the difference between MEs and CEs?

Apropos other discussions in DU:

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
and Civil Engineers?

A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.

[Atlant]

30. The Engineer and the Princess Frog

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called up to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog
spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!

[Atlant]

31. The Architect, the Artist, the Engineer, his wife, and his mistress

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the lab and get some work done.

[Atlant]

32. "No Ticket!"

Welcome to the The Humor Vault.
Solely devoted to Jokes, Jokes, and more Jokes. Enjoy!

Engineer Jokes

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[Atlant]

33. The Engineer dies...

One day, an engineer died. He was the kind of engineer that built stuff
like air conditioners. When he died, he went to heaven, and met God. God
said, "Hey! You're not on the list. Go to Hell."

So he walked down about 3,945,081 flights of stairs, and met the devil.
Satan said, "Okay! Come on in." While in hell, he made all sorts of
things, like escalators, air conditioners, etc.

One day, God called the devil and said, "You know that engineer? Well,
he is supposed to be up here."

So the devil said, "Are you crazy? I won't give you this guy."

God said, "Well if you don't, I'll sue." The devil replied, "Sue? You
can't sue me. You don't have any lawyers up there!"

[Atlant]

34. You Might Be an Engineer If...

You Might Be an Engineer If (The Short List)

1. You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
   
   
2. You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do
   long division.
   
   
3. You've actually used every single function on your graphing
   calculator.
   
   
4. It is sunny and 70 degrees outdoors, and you are working
   on a computer.
   
   
5. You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
   
   
6. You think in "math."
   
   
7. You have a pet named after a scientist.
   
   
8. You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
   
   
9. The Humane Society has you arrested because you actually
   performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
   
   
10. You can translate English into Binary.
    
    
11. You are completely addicted to caffeine.
    
    
12. The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
    
    
13. You assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the
    math easier.
    
    
14. You understood more than five of these indicators.
    
    
15. You make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
    
    

[Atlant]

38. Longer list...

You May Be an Engineer If...

1. You introduce your wife as "[e-mail]" or husband as
"[e-mail]."

2. Your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.

3. If Dilbert is your hero.

4. You can name six Star Trek episode titles.

5. The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

6. Your wristwatch has more computing power than a Pentium III.

7. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.

8. You use a CAD package to design your child's Pine Wood Derby car.

9. You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts.

10. At Christmas, it goes without saying, that you will be the one to
find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

11. You window-shop at Radio Shack.

12. Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest
sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.

13. You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

14. You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a
test that actually takes five minutes to run.

15. You are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage-door
opener and your camera's flash attachment.

16. You have modified your can opener to be microprocessor-driven.

17. You If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

18. You have ever taken the back off of your TV just to see what's inside.

19. A team of you and your co-workers has set out to modify the antenna
of the radio in your work area for better reception.

20. You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

21. You have never backed up your hard drive.

22. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

23. You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."

24. You see a good design and still have to change it.

25. The salespeople at Circuit City or Best Buy can't answer any of
your questions.

26. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers but you don't remember
where they are.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own
turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have more toys than your kids.

30. You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

31. Your I.Q. is bigger than your weight.

32. The microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush
up to the front to fix them.

33. You can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.

34. You have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN
stands for.

35. Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV
with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you
grew up thinking that was normal.

36. You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

37. Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.

38. You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.

39. You spend more on your home or laptop computer than your car.

40. You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

41. Your three-year-old child asks why the sky is blue and you try to
explain atmospheric absorption theory.

42. You can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.

43. You have automated everything in your house, but none of it meets
the National Electrical Code.

44. You have ever tried to network your home PC, microwave oven and
garage-door opener.

45. Your spouse keeps tripping over the wire you strung - temporarily -
three years ago.

46. At a traffic intersection, you try to figure out the synchronization
pattern between your car's blinkers or wipers and the other's.

47. You take along a printout of the schedule of your family vacation.

48. You always have to explain things by drawing it out on paper or a napkin.

49. Your computer is down, you don't know what date is it today and miss
all meetings too.

50. You read through this list completely, and try to convince yourself
not to agree with at least one of them.

51. You make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

[Atlant]

35. A Minister, a Priest, and a Rabbi...

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager
were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down
a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed.
The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off
the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping
along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now
had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with
no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting,
propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals,
and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the
Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long,
and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss
Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's
braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "before we do anything, I think
we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

[denverbill]

37. Never heard that one before. It fits.

[Cat Atomic]

36. Funniest people in the world: Morticians

I know a mortician, and every damned mortician he's introduced me to is a funny motherfucker. No lie.