Anyone else here have primary responsibility for elderly parent(s)

[Mikimouse]

I just got back from what turned out to be a false alarm with my father. Last Wednesday, around noon, he experiences generalized weakness, nausea, and vomiting. He called his neighbor, who called a friend of Dad's, and then 911. I didn't find out until 7:30PM on Wednesday that it had happened. I got there as quickly as I could, but that was Thursday around 5:30PM. He is home now, after having what I think was probably a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA). My phone number is posted in any number of places in his house, and it has been agreed that I am the family member most likely to respond quickly should something happen to him. I live 130 miles away, and sometimes it is not possible for me to respond as quickly as I would like, but I do have responsibilities to my students and the college and cannot simply pack up and go, without making arrangements for coverage. I am frustrated because things like this happen with some frequency and I get comments from his 'friends' about the length of time it takes for me to get there, etc. I am open to suggestions. How do you deal with such problems. I cannot be in two places at once.

[arwalden]

1. We Moved My Grandmother From Georgia To Virginia...

... to be close to us for the very reason you described.

It was difficult for her to leave her remaining friends and to sell her family home (she had lived in the same home for more than 65 years) but she reluctantly agreed.

She's 96 now and barely recalls having left Georgia. Almost daily she asks "how long have I been here" and "how old am I again". (Every single time she LAUGHS at amazement to learn that she's 96. "No! I'm not that old... am I? Why in 4 years I'll be 100!" --- Funny... she can do math in her head, but names and nouns don't come to her so quickly any more.)

I hope things work out for you.

-- Allen

[Mikimouse]

5. I am glad that you were able to get her moved

I have tried to compromise with Dad a few times, but he won't budge from where he is, but forgets that there are unfortunately other factors that play a part in how quickly I can get there. I accepted my present position because it was closer to where he lives. My other choice would have been in Nashville, TN, and I considered it too far away. He has alienated many of his former friends because he demands a great deal of their time, and is generally pretty rude. I have suggested to him that he might be better off in an independent living situation, where he would have other people around and a staff to take care of everday needs, but he won't entertain that line of reasoning. I just don't know what is going to happen when I finish my Ph.D. I have planned to go where my research interests take me (would prefer Alaska). He asks what he is supposed to do when I leave, and tries to convince me to stay around here. The university in his town is not looking for faculty with my qualifications or interests, so that is out. I feel like screaming at times, but know that it will get me nowhere.

[arwalden]

8. It Took A Fractured Hip Before My Grandmother Would Agree...

... to move. She absolutely REFUSED to slow down.

I hope you dad doesn't have to get to a dire situation before he'll consider the alternatives... but it may come to that.

Are you an only child? Are there any other closer relatives? --- Use child psychology on him, give him a choice: "Would you prefer to live in THIS retirement home or THAT retirement home?" "Would you prefer to live closer to me (your favorite) or my brother?"

Sounds like you've got some tough times ahead.

Oh! I can't recall the title of it... but my mother found several good books on the very subject you're dealing with. Search Amazon to see what you can find... it might be of some help.

-- Allen

[Blue_Roses]

9. I know this is tough

Me and my siblings just recently moved my elderly mom to an independent living residence after my father's death a few months ago. She had lived in the house over 50 years and it was like a death as well. We have tried to get her to move closer to us 'cause she seems so lonely, but she won't have it.

I know what you speak of...it's kind of like "parenting our parents," now. If there was only one simple solution, but unfortunately there usually isn't. I worked as a social worker in a nursing home for 3 years and I watched many place their parents against their will, feeling guilt all the way out the door, even though it was the best choice for them. Every circumstance is different and now they have so many assisted living homes that it makes the transition to "needed care" better without going the "all out" nursing home care--which doesn't sound like what your dad needs now.

There usually will be a circumstance that makes your mind up for you. It's not gonna be easy, but you will have lots of support it sounds like. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Mikimouse]

11. Part of the problem is that I am not the only one involved

While I am the one primarily responsible for him, I also have an older brother who reinforces the idea that Dad is perfectly OK and can take care of himself, which undermines any argument to the contrary. My brother lives in another part of the country and is, for all practical purposes, uninvolved in any but a superficial way.

[arwalden]

14. That's going to be tuff...

... I'm not trying to cause trouble, but perhaps if he were aware of exactly how much it impacted and disrupted your life, then he might be a little more supportive.

Try to guide your next conversation towards the idea that he CAN help even if from afar. How? (He'll ask.) FINANCIALLY! Discuss with him your actual expenses... travel time, baby sitters, meals, mileage, time off from work, etc etc.

I suspect that he doesn't have any REAL concept of what's going on, but if he could "feel" it a little better (if only in his wallet) and even if you have to guilt-it out of him... you might find him a little more cooperative.

It could also be that you're doing such a FINE job now that your brother sees no need. There's no "slack" to pick up because you're handling it very well (considering).

In the end... even though you WANT to do everything, we can only do what we can do. You can't be everywhere. You can't be everything to everybody. You can't pay for everything.

You're definitely wise to be looking ahead and planning ahead, but I fear that things will have to get worse before they get easier. Hang in there! Good luck to you!

-- Allen

[Mikimouse]

16. Thanks, Allen

The problem is a big one. My brother has no desire to be involved in the situation. When my mother was dying in 1990, I suggested to him that he at least make peace with her (they had not spoken for several years). He declined to do so, and paid the price, when he finally realized that the time had passed, and nothing could be said anymore, he was devastated. We are not young people anymore (at least in the relative sense. I am 50, and my brother is soon to be 53. Our relationship has never been a very good one. I am the only one of the three of us who is sober, and that also presents something of a problem, because we are coming at the issue from entirely different perspectives. In the end, I will be forced to do what is best for me and the family I have (I have two grandchildren and one on the way). Dad refuses to have anything to do with my stepchildren and grandchildren and describes them as my 'store bought children'. It is not a good situation overall. On the other hand, I have learned a great deal about human behavior over the years, and that is a plus. Perhaps, there is still time for a resolution to all of this before it is too late. Many thanks for the reponses

[Blue_Roses]

15. my oldest sister and I

have that problem, only she is way over the top. She and I got in a huge fight in April regarding my mother and we still don't see eye-to eye.

It's probably gonna come down to you doing what's best for your dad.

[nini]

2. I agree with Arwalden.. you need to move him close to you..

Unfortunately, he won't like it at first, but you need to be close to him and vice versa.

If he is still able to be on his own to a point, you should check into home health type visits for baths and to basically check on him. Meals on Wheels also. YOu can get the daily stuff monitored and he'll be close is something urgent happens.

It's sooo hard to do all this but you need to, for your own sanity as he starts to fail more and more. With my dad we got to where we did not ask him about doing things, we just did them. In his heart he knew we were right, but it still hurt to have to treat him like a child.

Good Luck.. I'll be sending good vibes your way.

[bunk76]

3. If you do not trust ...

his "friends" to assess a situation that may befall your dad,you may possibly get some assistince from the local A.A.R.P with a well being check by one of their volunteers that are trained to evaluate these things in the chance you are not able to respond immediately.

[madrchsod]

4. if you can get him

to move do so right away,well as soon as possible, he needs to be checked on more freq. than a 130 miles away. he should be checked on everyday or so..if you can`t move him ,check on local nursing programs that check on people to make sure they are taking medicine,ect,ect. tia`s are nothing to mess with that`s for sure. i took care of my mom for the last few months of her life and i was glad i lived a couple of blocks away. oh yes, go to the local senior citizen center where you live ,they`ll answer all your questions ,after all most of them have been thru what you`re experiencing now..good luck and i hope everything works out ok...

[elfin]

6. Some communities have "Rent a Daughter"

or something like that. If you can afford it, they will check in on him for you until you have the time to get him used to the idea he needs to move to be nearer to you.

This is so hard - the other option is to see if there is an assisted living type residence avaiable. The nearest sib to my mom was 3 hours away and that was what we basically forced her to do. She didn't want to leave her home, but at least she was still in her same community with folks she knew. The proceeds from her house sale were enough for her apartment rent and she adapted well to her new environs, even though she still missed her home.

[soleft]

7. I empathize with your situation

We thought my mother had a TIA, it turns about her thyroid hormone is completely screwed because she stopped taking her thyroid medication in July when the prescription ran out. My parents recently moved from their home of 48 years to a senior citizens community, and because of the emotional turmoil, or rather, lack of expressing it, there was a lot of acting out between my mom and dad and he wasn't watching to make sure she was taking her meds.

My sister and gave him an ultimatum, either he'd have to take charge of her meds or get a nurse to come in every day and make sure.

It pisses me off because the tailspin in her health was SO AVOIDABLE. They make things harder on themselves, and I'm 50 miles away and can't be there to be on top of things for them.

The good thing is if things get worse they can increase the level of their care at the place where they are, for an added price of course, they're lucky they have a few bucks to pay for this.

[Mikimouse]

10. Heartfelt thanks to all of you

It is comforting to know that my situation is not uncommon. The resolution will be what it will be, especially since he has decided that he needs to make no adjustment in his lifestyle. One of the major sticking points with him living in an assisted living environment is that most of the programs require the adherence to some basic rules. I have discussed the matter with him on numerous occasions, and he always comes back to the same themes. He has a history of doing exactly those things that her shouldn't. 10 years ago, he was told that he shouldn't be driving, because he has glaucoma, and had become legally blind. He continued driving, all over the road (I notified the local police and DPS on three separate occasions, to no avail). He finally stopped driving when he turned left right in front of an oncoming car and totalled his car. Fortunatly for him, no one was injured, so there was no lawsuit. SInce we have recent European roots, the old rules and traditions apply, in other words, since I am the younger son, I am expected to be ultimately responsible for him. He steadfastly refuses to give up the booze and does not take care of himself.

[cally]

12. I've been thinking about this all day

I live an hour away from my parents and both of my sisters live far away. I went over today to help after they had the house painted. I know I'm lucky because they are 75 and you would never know it. But I spent the day realizing that they have aged and that I have to help out more. So many times today, I realized a subtle shift in responsibility and I don't like it. I want to be a kid again but it is not going to happen. Today was a change in our relationship and I'm sort of shook up. I think I finally grew up today.

[izzie]

13. I took care of my mother-in-law for sometime.

It was just before she died and she was over 80'The doctor told my daughter that it was to much for me and since her sons would not care for her and she hated the country she went into a home. It was a relief as she wore me out as she would not do a thing the doctors said. I hardly slept as she would be up all hours and tended to fall alot. I was sick with worry about her. It really is a big job . Your great to do itbut I do not envy you.

[diamond14]

17. there are lots of ideas and suggestions at your neighborhood

book store, like a Barnes and Nobel store...people have written many good books about dealing with aging parents...I left Colorado (after 28 years there) and moved into my mother's house in Detroit to care for her in the last 8 months of her life....she was tough and I hadn't lived with her for almost 32 years when I moved out to go to college...but my mother needed help, the house was a disaster, and none of my brothers and sisters were helping her, so I had to do it...

it was the toughest challenge of my life...harder than climbing high mountains, or completing my graduate degree...harder than anything...I never spoke back to her, I never argued with her...I simply began to realize after a while, that she was now the child and I was the adult...that what had to be done must be done and that I had to make those decisions...it's like working with a little kid, you can nod and agree, but ultimately, you do what's best for the little kid anyhow...and with a smile and a hug....my mom must have told me the same stories again and again and again...and each time, I listened carefully and smiled and talked to her...her world was so tiny anymore, she had no social life, her friends had mostly died, and nobody came to visit or called on the phone...so I was her main connection to anything real...so I listened and we laughed about the old times, and she repeated stories over and over and over...it's like a little kid...I don't think she wanted to ever realize how dependent she was on me...she just wanted to still think that she was in charge, and boss me around, still my mom...and I gave her that...it was my gift...she died in my arms in 2000, like she held me as a baby in her arms ....

there are some basics that you should consider....go to your dad's pharmacy and find out how many drugs he's on...my mom had been going to many doctors who prescribed lots of different drugs, many of which interfer with each other and caused almost fatal interactions...a good pharmacist could help you review the situation and will cut off drug refills so dad will need to go back to the doctor (and you talk to the doctors who are prescribing and give them a list of all other doctor's medications), also look through the medicine cabinet to figure what's going on....

also, you need to personally go to each of your father's doctors with him...unfortunately, the collapsing health care system is not kind to seniors, and your presence and active participation can make a huge difference in the treatment your father gets...it also puts the medical people on alert that someone is watching...your dad might improve after his medications are assessed and properly monitored (both my mom and my dad did improve after I did that)...

you must 'senior-proof' your dad's house...slip-proof mats, bright lights over stairwells and dark areas to prevent falls...handles/bars in the bathroom near showers and tubs, slip prevention mats in tubs and showers, and a shower seat...this all prevents falls....good medical equipment store can help with senior proofing ideas, these stores are close to every hospital....you can find some on-line too...the general idea is to prevent any slips and falls and create an environment where it is easier to get into bed, and chairs, and into bathtubs, and life is a little more comfortable and do-able....opening jars, cooking, phones with BIG numbers...with eyes, ears, balance and bones getting old and weak...check it all out from the senior viewpoint...you can get advice from nurses and books about caring for seniors, and look at the medical equipment store for ideas...

then, if you are not always able to be there, you can find senior services (meals on wheels), senior citizens center programs...where at least there is a regular visit going on...over-fill up dad's house with lots of simple-to-prepare foods everytime you visit...and take him out to lunch or dinner....get some phone numbers of local delivery services that dad likes, so you can charge some chinese food, or pizza to your charge card and have it delivered even when you're not there...ease your dad's everyday strains...make it easier for him to eat, and pay bills, and get doctor's care and whatever...make sure he has cable TV and an internet computer (if he likes that)...pay for his hobbies to keep him entertained...all of this is hard work, but it may be easier than other options....

of course your dad doesn't want to move or change his situation...there is great fear in getting old and unable to care for yourself and becoming dependent, especially on your child, as dad expresses that fear with some angry and in-charge remarks, like a kid, and nastiness and stuff because dad can't do anything about getting old and dependent and he can't admit it, and all his friends are dying off around him, and his body hurts from old age...and dad will NEVER tell you about his troubles, so you just have to check it out for yourself and use your intuition and do what is right, like you would for a child...you can make a few well spaced visits and help to prop up his independent situation for a while longer...or you can have him come to live with you, or you go live with him....none of the solutions are perfect..

I don't know your dad's medical situation...my own father lived two more years after mom died...I moved here to Washington DC, and my dad lived alone independently...but there were some services set up, and my brother who lives a mile away checked frequently...I bought my dad a great big screen computer, paid for his internet connection, set it all up, and blew up the letters BIG so he could see, taught him how to use it...dad loved it just like we do here, and it became a window to the world for him, and a connection to his grandchildren,...my dad felt bad one day (TIAs, which are small strokes), called my brother who took him to the hospital...the hospital kept him for observation and he died right in the hospital from a massive stoke....I was glad that dad didn't die alone and didn't die in the house with no one around for days...thank God...

my best wishes for these challenging times...just remember that your dad is your responsibility, just like you were once his (your brother must make his own decisions too, and do not let your brother affect your decisions, do what is right in your own mind and ignore your brother if necessary)...and if you don't take care of him properly, you will never never never be able to forgive yourself....if you do what needs to be done, and make dad's life easier and more comfortable in these final times, then you will be happy yourself that you did the right thing...and such a good example for your children and grandchildren, since you'll expect the same from them as you age...what goes around, comes around....I actually feel sorry for your guilty brother who will suffer forever for his inaction on your mom...several of my brothers and sisters chose that route and are spending tons of time/money on therapy and pscho-drugs right now and fighting with each other...they are guilty of not caring for aging/dying parents, and I could not carry such a burden...I feel no guilt and only have good feelings about my parents, their lives and their deaths...they taught me a lot....right up to and including the "last curtain call"...

[Festivito]

18. Strokes, that hit my dad, and will probably hit me.

They have new meds to administer within three hours. Chances are someone having a big stroke won't call 911 because they can't.

Single button Lifeline systems cost 30-40 bucks a month. $70 buys a Radio Shack single button pendant and base unit you can program to call five numbers.

He might be so bad that he can't press the pendant button.

The honest question for him is whether he'd rather live home risking death or with round-the-clock help probably in a way he doesn't like. Chances are he'd rather risk death.

My mom liked getting up and walking with her walker. That meant she might fall. She weighed the risks and wanted to walk. My brothers agreed with scared looks on their faces. She fell. Broke a hip. She fell again. Looked like a raccoon for weeks.

She can't get up any more. Really pisses her off.

All I'm suggesting is that you ask the tough questions, allow for level of safety or lack thereof. And, let the siblings know and give them a chance to argue it and decide the issue for themselves. (If they decide differently, make them tell dad.)

Life is important. Living is more important.

[IkeWarnedUs]

19. You need to get control of the situation or walk away

My mother had lung cancer in the mid 80's. She went through a lot of very heavy chemo and radiation - including whole brain radiation since the kind of cancer she had generally spreads to the brain. She beat it, but the experience took a lot out of her, physically and emotionally.

December 1990 she started having headaches and weakness on her right side. She didn't say anything and hid it well until February 1991. She refused to see the doctor, since she thought it was cancer again. It turned out she had blood clots in her brain, with a huge one just under her skull, pressing on her brain. By the time she went to the hospital (no longer physically able to refuse treatment) and we found out what was wrong, there was some brain damage. She got a lot better, but never back to "normal".

By late 1992 she no longer wanted any "help" from me because I wouldn't do things the way she wanted just to pacify her. I finally walked away for a little over 3 years. No contact at all with her, but kept in touch with my brother and her mother (my grandma). I told all of them when she was ready to be reasonable I would be happy to help her again. In 1996, as things got worse, she grudgingly agreed to accept that I wanted what's best for her and would try to follow her wishes if possible as I made sure she was as safe, healthy and happy as I can make her. But only conditionally. She wanted to see how it went, so it was on a "trial" basis.

By November 1997 I had to hire someone to live with her because she would wind up on the floor by falling or missing the chair. She didn't like it, but agreed not to fight it and grew very comfortable with Diane. She was the first of 4 live-in caregivers over the last six years. My mom has steadily declined, as was expected. She is now completely bedridden and in and out of in-home hospice programs.

My only regret is that I didn't insist on getting a power of attorney from her. By 1998 my mother's doctor, a hospital social worker and the local police and paramedics all urged me to file for guardianship. They were right, that I had to take complete control of certain situations (like when she had pneumonia and refused to let the paramedics take her to the hospital because she believed it was only a cold). But after the hell I've experienced in the probate court, just to take care of my mother, I really, really, really wish I insisted on getting power of attorney, in which case I wouldn't have to file for guardianship. In fact, if I had it to do again, I would have forged a power of attorney to avoid the guardianship process. And it's not like anyone complained or anything, I mean just the usual red tape.

It was very hard to walk away from my mom in 1992. I found a decent therapist who kept me sane in the beginning and I was able to somewhat keep up with how she was getting by through my grandma and brother. But if my mom had her way I would have quit my job and taken care of her myself.

If I haven't lost you already, I'd like to give you a few tips. Try to realistically evaluate the situation. What does your father need? Are these needs temporary? Do you think your dad will get better and stronger or is it more likely that things will grow more difficult over time? Make a list of who else should be involved in decisions about your father if necessary. Are they all aware of what is going on? Is there anyone else not on the list who will think they should be involved too?

Put together as much of a support system as you can. Talk to each of the people on the list. Do they have any ideas? Would they be willing and able to talk to your dad with you? I suggest you inform each and every one of them whenever something happens with your father. They may not realize just what you are up against. After a while many of them may resent the phone calls, but remind them the calls represent a fraction of what you and your father are going through. If you need them to help convince your father he needs help it will go better the more they appreciate the situation.

Can you talk to your father's doctor? Can you go with your dad to his next appointment? If not, you may want to discuss some of your concerns about your dad with your doctor. He may have some insight or he may be willing to speak to your dad's doctor to see if he feels your concerns are waranted. Find a lawyer, even if you don't think you need one. Most local bar associations have some sort of referral service where you can get an initial meeting for $20 - $50. Lay out the situation, including your dad's medical and financial conditions and see if there are any steps they suggest you take.

Talk to your dad's "friends" and tell them (again) that you are doing the best you can, but there are limits to what you can do if your father wants to continue living where he is. You may want to ask one if he would be the "local contact" for your father. In other words, someone to take charge until you can get there. You may also want to get a cell phone or pager so they can reach you in an emergency.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for your father (or my mom) to accept their mortality and limits. It's hard to watch a parent deteriorate and a total bitch to be too overwhelmed with responsibility to deal with it all. But, like it or not, you are entering a role reversal period, if you are lucky enough for them to live that long. You have to decide what you will and won't do for your dad, and be a little selfish. It may be a very long haul and you have to take care of yourself too.

Your situation with your father may be less severe than mine with my mom, but I never thought things were going to go the way they did. There are things I'm glad I did and things I wish I did. That's what I wanted to share with you tonight.

[diamond14]

20. It was merciful when my mother finally died from cancer....

cancer is a long road to death, which hovers over the entire time...it makes it look easy to die in a car crash...

although some of my brothers and sisters (the guilty ones) refused to get involved...I was fortunate to have two brothers who were my support team and would help me in any way...I couldn't work with my guilty brothers and sisters and their issues at the same time that I was care-giving for my dying mother...so I chose to take care of mom and leave my siblings issues alone....occasionally they would call mom, but never came to visit mom in her last struggle with cancer...

never once did I discuss my mother's medical issues with her...it was simply that I knew she had cancer and was dying and she knew that too...so those were the facts....I never asked her if she needed 'help' because that was so apparent and she never asked me to help her...the seniors who lived through the depression and WWII are just tougher than us and don't want to feel like their children have to 'help' them....

I probably had a bigger need to discuss the cancer (knowledge is power)...and often did with my support team, but not with mom...and the main reason was because I was there to help mom, and if she wasn't interested in talking about it, then so be it...if it helped her not to discuss it and made her journey easier, then that was OK with me...it's like a big elephant in the living room....but, you can learn all about the cancer stages and how to deal with it from hospice nurses in their educational programs, which can be a great help....my brother's wife is a hospice educational nurse, so I spent hours at her kitchen table, which kept me sane and taught me what to do medically and psychologically at each stage....I drove mom to her doctors, then waited outside the door, sometimes leaning closer to listen, as the nurses noticed, they encouraged me to just listen right up against the door (the medical staff actually do want people to be there with their parents and save them some burdens)...and after more visits, the doctor just waved me into the room with my Mom, then Mom yelled at me and said that if the doctor wanted me in the room it was OK with her, but I better just be quiet and not say anything...

mom also didn't like feeling that she needed help, she was very independent and boss-y most of her life...so, I cleaned her bloody crapped-out vomit-covered bed sheets when she was downstairs in the kitchen and cleaned the kitchen when mom was upstairs asleep...and even as she yelled at me not to buy food, I bought all the food carefully selected for both my parents major medical conditions, and simply walked in and put it in the cupboards while mom watched cable TV in the living room...and while mom was sitting outside in the yard, I scrubbed down her bathroom...my job was to lift the everyday burdens off both my parents...my dad became more and more entertained on his computer because it was so hard on him to watch mom deteriorate into a skelaton...but every single day, I made certain that there were flowers on mom's kitchen table where she sat every day....and flowers on the porch and flowers in her yard...and I spent some time talking with mom everyday...and smiling and hugging her and laughing about the same old stories over and over again, like a little kid...


it's all about life, death is part of that cycle...everyone decides what is important to them, and takes the actions that they feel are necessary to their own lives...many of the choices are very difficult...


(watching someone die from cancer certainly makes one realize the full impact of bush* destroying the Environmental Protection Agency and demolishing all environmental regulation...there will be many more cases of cancers because of bush* actions)...

[VOX]

21. First: If he's not on coumadin already, get his doc to put him on it!!!!

If he's indeed had a TIA, he's a sitting duck for a major stroke.

I know, I've been through this drill with my mom. 10 years ago, she had a TIA at Thanksgiving. She was fine until the following January, when she had a major stroke. It took her nine years after that to finally pass away, but it was a bumpy road, filled with numerous falls, a broken hip, a broken knee, a broken foot, pneumonia, and finally a heart attack that eventually did her in. She fought hard every step of the way, but it all began with the stroke -- and the TIA is often characterized as a precursor to that event.

Since I lived about 10 miles from my mom, I got "elected" to be the go-to guy whenever something went wrong. I took more ambulance rides (or followed the ambulance) than I care to remember.

The only other recommendation I can make right now is this: Try to convince him to allow himself to be moved closer to you. He will be needing you more and more in the coming months/years -- that is the reality. You need to stage the situation so that you can do what's right for your dad, but also in a way that you don't stress yourself to the hilt in the process.

You've entered a tough time in your life (as has your dad). It has to be dealt with. Hang in there, and know that you are *not* alone.

Best wishes to you --

[Mikimouse]

22. I can empathize with the situation with your Mom

My mother died in 1990, of metastatic brain cancer. I was the only family member involved with her and signed a DNR order per her wishes. Three dayslater she arrested and contrary to my wishes (and hers) she was resuscitated, to live miserably for another three years. Toward the end she had no idea who I was and mixed languages (German, English, Hungarian, and French) to such an extent that I was the only one who could decipher what she was trying to say. In my father's case, getting him to move is an exercise in futility, and my moving closer to him would constitute profesional and marital suicide. His physician discharged him on Thursday evening with no med. orders and few instructions (of course, I think that was totally inappropriate), and has been unavailable for an explanation. He doas not return calls. I suspect that he has some plaque in one or both of his carotids and a small piece broke loose, causing his symptoms. He is in complete denial about the contribution of his lifestyle so there is really little that can be done. I have urged him to consider walking around the block once or twice a day and cut back on the drinking, but it goes in one ear and out the other. In a nutshell, he doesn't listen to me, largely because other people (who are not involved-including my brother) tell him that he is OK.

[brook]

23. I'll reiterate...

the advice above on getting a power of attorney. Call Adult Protective Services (in our location, that's a part of the Social Services system)- and make an appointment for them to come out and evaluate your father. You should be there for the evaluation as well. Explain what's been happening, his lack of cooperation and your situation as the *caretaker*. They can guide you through the steps to conservatureship.
This will allow you to make the decisions that are going to be necessary for your Dad's well-being and your peace of mind.

I took care of both of my parents at the end of their lives - so I know how difficult your situation is. My children and I have recently started discussing how my own decline might be handled. I'm hoping that by doing so, I can relieve them of some of the inevitable burdens.

I'm happy you brought your thoughts here - DUers are so generous and willing to take the time to offer really sound advice. Along with :hug: of course. Take care.

[Mikimouse]

24. A heartfelt Thank You to all of you!

I really cannot tell you how much the responses here have helped me in thinking this through. Du is indeed a very safe place for me, not simply to share my views on issues, but to interact with others with whom I have a great deal in common. :toast: :hi: :hug: :grouphug: :pals: