I slept with my housemate. Will my living arrangement work out?

[StopTheMorans]

just trolling for some opinions, any are appreciated:) Background: I live in an apartment with 3 other people. I (Housemate A) am a male in my early 20's, others are: housemate B: male in his late twenties. housemate C: Female in her early 30's Housemate D: Female in her mid-40's.

Now, here's the dirt. I regularly go out to the bars with housemates B and C, and we all get along great and have a great time drinking together.

One time (a few nights ago) while completely wasted (I wasn't there, had already left the bar earlier), housemate B said to housemate C on the ride home "If you sleep with housemate A <me>, I'll move out" and housemate B is normally fairly quiet, this came out of nowhere. Housemate C told me this friday night, and said she doesn't think Housemate B will even remember saying it.

Housemates B and D were out of town for this weekend, and I and Housemate C got a little too drunk and slept together on saturday night(and not just once; hence, we can't pass it off as a "drunken mistake"). And, before I ask the final question, yes, I do know that drinking a little less would have probably helped this whole situation immensely:)

So, we've all only lived there for a month and a half, the lease is for a year. I am currently dating a few girls (do not have a girlfriend, just have been going on dates with a few), and Housemate C is also dating a few guys, so there's not really the issue of us dating (nor do I want there to be). We haven't told housemate B about this, nor do we plan to, and I'm not looking to do this again in the future. Can this work? What should I do (if anything)? Stay quiet and hope the word doesn't get out? Tell housemate B? I really can't talk to anyone in the real (non-DU) world about this for fear of getting nailed, so I would welcome any opinions. Sorry for putting my little soap opera out there, just wanted some thoughts:)

[bamademo]

1. You and Housemate C need to keep it on the QT

And that's all I've got to say about that.

[StopTheMorans]

2. hehe, thanks for the opinion, I appreciate it.

n/t

[leftyandproud]

13. chill

alcohol doesn't make you do things you didn't kinda sorta want to do anyway...just keep quiet and keep hooking up with C

;)

[Sagan]

3. pics?

Just kidding! :)

Why does B care what you and C do?

It sounds like you two are handling it fine yourselves and aren't making a huge soap opera out of it. It's just sex, after all.

[StopTheMorans]

12. "It's just sex, after all"

that's how I look at it, but apparently, housemate B is not of the same ilk (and he is an otherwise really cool dude, we hang out all the time). So I'm wondering what his hang-up with the whole situation is (housemate C and I were kind of having a few laughs at his expense yesterday morning b/c housemate B's words about us "not sleeping together" were kind of a self-fulfilling prophesy)? Who knows?

[BigMcLargehuge]

4. Or, you can try to profit from it...

Call Jerry Springer, have an on-air slugfest with house makes B and D while C belittles the others of:

A. being skeezes
B. not being man enough...

Then hit Jenny Jones, Maury, and Christina (assuming you speak Spanish).

Just kidding. I think trying to keep it under wraps will just make it harder to prevent next time though. You know, the lure of the forbidden and all...

Good luck

[StopTheMorans]

15. your last sentence is what I'm afraid of

and, i'm also afraid that one of us will get too drunk and "spill the beans" b/c we all hang out a lot and all get way too drunk (again, I know that not drinking could cure a lot of this:) So I guess I'm just hoping that somehow I will have the willpower to be good (given my track record, I am not very confident that this will work out, hopefully I can be cool tho:)

[Richardo]

5. Not sure how it will work out, but....

...can you somehow integrate the story line with this thread http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=307000&mesg_id=307000 and let us know the results? Vivid Video awaits...


:D

[StopTheMorans]

8. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

yeah, I'll get right to work on that:)

[ronnykmarshall]

6. I'm lost

Where was housemate G? Who was on first?

Has there been an attraction between you and the one you slept with? Sounds like "B" already noticed something or he would not have said it.

My advise, start looking for a place to live. The word is going to get out. You've already had two things happen when you guys have been partying.

1. B warns C not to bang you.

2. You bang C.


Sheesh! This is better than Melrose Place.

[GOPisEvil]

9. I think B has the hots for C...

...either that or B is jealous of A (or is that U?). Where is D in all of this? Does she care?

Be prepared to have to deal with this...

[StopTheMorans]

20. GOPisevil

those are my thoughts. I have no other idea why B would not want C and I to be shagging were it not out of sheer jealousy. either that, or maybe B was just genuinely concerned that it would irreparably tarnish our living situation. D doesn't care, she's not really around too much, and her social scene differs vastly from the one that B, C, and I (A) frequent. Plus, she's high all the time, so she REALLY doesn't care:)

[StopTheMorans]

22. yes, there has been an attaction between C and I (A)

and I thought that it was going to just stay on a plutonic and flirtatious level until Saturday night... So I don't know what the hell is going to happen.

[VelmaD]

27. I do

Now that you've done it once it's gonna be easier and easier and easier to do it again and again and again.

My advice, always wear a condom. :-)

[StopTheMorans]

30. uh oh....

last sentence: Duly noted for the future. Do you think that we can get away with it not happening in the future in any way, shape, or form? I think that the general opinion here is that I'm pretty much f*cked (pun intended) anyway that I go about this, especially since I am currently seeing a few people (which, if one develops into a relationship, could really harm the way it turns out). You think there's any way to salvage the situation nearly completely, or am I just trying to have my cake and eat it too?

on edit: spelling

[VelmaD]

34. Well, it's easy.

If you don't want to have sex with her again then just don't. Even if you're drunk. Even if you're horny (like your mom told you, no one ever died from it).

Here's the thing. Do you want to date this woman in addition to the other people you're seeing? You have to figure that out. And you have to realize that if you do then it will break up your living arrangement eventually - either with B moving out or one of you moving out if you break up.

Something to think about. Why did you sleep with her? Did you do it just because B didn't want you to - for the little naughty thrill? Or do you genuinely like this woman - would you have slept with her if B hadn't said anything?

Another thing you might want to consider is why she told you about what B said.

[StopTheMorans]

42. Velma

no, do not want to date C in addition to the girls I am seeing, I have enough trouble in my love life as it is. I slept with C because I have been attracted to her on a physical level since I moved in (she's an attractive girl), and I would have slept with her had B said what he did or not. ANd regarding your last sentence "Another thing you might want to consider is why she told you about what B said", she actually told me that she said that specifically BECAUSE she thought it might lead to us sleeping together. what do you make of this now:)?

[VelmaD]

47. Run

Run fast. Run far. Run like Mexican water through a first-time tourist.

You got manipulated bro and I hope the sex was worth it. I would highly recommend that you not do it again and I would be incredibly leery of anything that girl says from here on in.

If she wanted you, she shoulda straight up said so instead of playing games. Be blunt. Be firm. Make sure she understand that you DO NOT want more. Don't be delicate. Don't try to be nice. It probably won't work.

[1monster]

56. And did B really tell C that he'd move out if you two did the deed?

After all, C did say that B might not even remember saying it... perhaps because B didn't say it?????

One of the fastest ways to make sure that two people end up in the sack together is to tell them that they shouldn't do so...

[StopTheMorans]

62. it's a distinct possibility

unfortunately, I wasn't there, so i don't know :shrug:

[VelmaD]

7. Where I see the problem

is with housemate B. If he really feels that way then I bet dollars to donuts that he's gonna cause problems for housemate C at some point whether he finds out about you and her or not.

[ronnykmarshall]

10. I think so too.

B seems to have a thing for C if you ask me.

[StopTheMorans]

25. maybe, but B is seeing someone too

well, not really seeing, more the 2:00 AM drunken "hey you want to spend the night" call on a saturday night type seeing someone. So I'm not sure, he doesn't really appear to be too attracted to C, and C is about 5 years older than him (about 9 years older than me tho, so I guess that really doesn't matter:)

[E_Zapata]

11. Put it this way:

You just pooped in your own backyard.

Not smart to make your immediate environs complicated.

BUT if you and housemate C can just get the whole thing out of your minds........and just try to ERASE it......you might be able to go forward.

I know that if I were your girlfriend in the future, I would NOT appreciate you living with someone you had casual sex with. So, if you DO find a special mate who you want full-time, you have created a very uncomfortable and mixed up situation (and those energy dynamics will be there whether the new mate is aware of the fine details or not). Our actions DO impact the energy that is around us, is all I am saying.

But hey, the barn door was opened......and you just move forward (quietly)

[ronnykmarshall]

16. mmmmm hmmmm!

I hear that! I'd not be one happy camper if I knew my man slept with someone he was living with. It's bad enough having to deal with the ex's you run into on the streets.

Why do you think I left SF? Good GAWD, I couldn't walk half a block without running into some guy I mess around with.

Yes I was a tramp!

[latebloomer]

14. Are you sure Housemate C

doesn't have a thang for you?

If she does, and wants more from the relationship than you do, it could get mighty messy!

[StopTheMorans]

28. i'm not sure to tell you the truth

and that kind of scares me. i have received a few emails from C today, but nothing beyond the usual (except for the fact that she's had a CD from my band lying around since I moved in, and she finally listened to it today and told me she was really impressed <she hadn't thought that I could sing very well but was surprised), does this impact anything? I do know that she isn't really taken with any of the guys she is seeing, so I'm not really sure (from some of her comments, I do know that she has been attracted to me since I moved in, on at least a physical level). I'm not very good at picking up on signals at all, I don't know...

[VelmaD]

29. Here's a thought...

ask her what she wants from you.

[StopTheMorans]

33. well, i am fairly blind (or at least I choose to be)

when it comes to signals from women re: wanting something more. She said she doesn't want anything more out of it, but I can't really tell, the way she was acting around me yesterday before everyone else got home kind of made me feel differently. So actions and words are conflicting (maybe i interpreted actions wrongly tho), and damn it, I know which usually speaks louder, tho I'd like to believe the words. Can ya blame me? :)

[VelmaD]

38. What exactly was she doing?

Looking through bridal magazines? Picking out china? Or just being a little cuddly with someone she just slept with and is friends with?

[StopTheMorans]

45. being more than a little cuddly for the duration of the afternoon

but, i do see what you're saying (and i'd thought of that re: the post-sex cuddling angle). and when i told her i was going to do my laundry, she came along too. and, she asked if i wanted to join her and a friend (female) for a movie last night too. I just needed some breathing room (had wanted to do my laundry alone), so i declined and went to bed early. Maybe I'm reading too far into that?

[VelmaD]

52. Well...

did she invite you to do that kind of thing before? Did y'all do laundry together before? If yes, no stress. If no...RUN! :-)

[StopTheMorans]

57. yes, so that's the problem

i have no clue if i'm just reading too far into this. i just don't know, i guess i'll find out shortly:)

[MadHound]

17. Well, with all of the interest in "reality TV" shows these days,

I suggest putting up a few mics and cams, get ahold of FOXNBCCBSABC and start rolling in the big dough.

Seriously, tell, not tell, I don't think in the long run it will make a rat's ass of difference.

[KG]

18. is 'slept with' the stupidest coloquillism for 'fucked' or what?

:shrug:

[ronnykmarshall]

21. No kiddin'!

[VelmaD]

24. Yup

I've slept with my guy best friend a hundred times and haven't had sex with him once. Sheesh.

[felonious thunk]

19. Something very similar with some friends of mine

Kind of happened in the same way, although without the dare. Yadda yadda yadda, housemate A and C now have a 1 year old, housemate C stopped paying rent and got evicted sued by the landlord for backrent, and the situation got so intolerable that D moved out after about 2 months.

[StopTheMorans]

37. uhhhhhhhhhh... thanks for the reassurance

*reaches for liqour bottle in desk* you'll make it all better:)

[felonious thunk]

59. For what it's worth

A and C are very happy these days, have a lovely little boy and are getting married next year.

[StopTheMorans]

61. thanks, that's cool, but still not reassuring

with all that's been going on lately, i am in no way, shape, or form ready to even think about children:)

[felonious thunk]

65. Then just be more careful than they were!

and you shouldn't have to worry about that!

[StopTheMorans]

67. yeah I hear ya!

loud and clear...

[trof]

23. Clam up!

Absolutely.
A friend had a momentary slip a few years ago and confided in me. One night stand, very unusual circumstances, highly unlikely to ever happen again. He rarely sees the woman and probably will avoid her in the future. They have talked about it and she feels the same way. He feels rotten about it.
Should he tell his wife?
Why in the hell would you do that?
NEGATIVE, NO-WAY, NOT NOW, NOT EVER, TAKE THIS TO THE GRAVE.
It will only hurt her and your relationship. Just be glad the other person feels the same way you do, that it was a one-time-only "mishap".

Well, he got the terminal guilts or whatever and played True Confessions and now they're divorced and he gets to see the kids one week end a month.
DUMB.

[StopTheMorans]

35. that seems to be the general sentiment

thanks for your thoughts. so, I guess this is my "cross to bear", at least until the lease runs out:)

[E Pluribus Unum]

26. Sounds like you have the

makings of a good threesome.

[TEXASYANKEE]

31. B wants C

Sounds like B has a crush on C but is afraid to act on it. If I were you, I'd keep this thing to yourself. You're 2 consenting adults, but why ruin your friendship with B over it?

[Kathy in Cambridge]

32. As someone who has been in your position several times

I can tell you that B will figure it out because he has a thing for C and will pick up on the vibes between you two. So, you can either come clean and tell him what happened or wait it out and see if the relationship goes anywhere. If C is cool and has the same attitude toward sex as you, then things should be fine. If she doesn't and falls for you, it could be awkward. If B is uptight about it, maybe you'll have to find a new roomie. What about D? Is she pretty easy-going?

Personally, I would just coast along until the shit hits the fan, if it ever does.

[StopTheMorans]

41. RR, here's the thing tho

we were pretty flirtatious before this whole thing happened (i.e. thursday night C was standing in front of me watching the Sox-Yanks game at a bar, and I had my hands on her waist, we were both really drunk, which is what prompted B to make the comment I think), and we hadn't slept together. So, do you think he'll pick up any different vibes now? I can't imagine us being any more flirtatious than we already were, so I'm not sure. He is a fairly astute guy tho:shrug: :shrug:

[Kathy in Cambridge]

54. Thank God you were drunk for THAT game

I hope it eased your pain!

When a guy has a crush on a girl, he usually senses who is infringing on his territory. If you guys keep it light and flirty like before, you may be able to keep it quiet if B is not super sensitive.

I would just try to carry on as before and fly below the radar. It's none of his business, anyway.

[StopTheMorans]

68. it didn't really ease my pain

thanks tho:) I'm hoping that he doesn't notice, i don't think he will, and it will be a few days before we all hang out again, so who knows? I just hope she and I (I know I can be, but I'm not her) can be cool, b/c I love my apt, the area, and my housemates (apparently a bit too much sometimes:)

[Skittles]

36. NO

KILL HER NOW AND BE DONE WITH IT BEFORE IT GETS REALLY UGLY.

[StopTheMorans]

39. if things get ugly

can you kick B's ass for me?

[Skittles]

44. I THINK B

NEEDS TO KICK BOTH *YOUR* ASSES. :7

[StopTheMorans]

46. ruh roh!

<hides under bed>. WHO WILL SAVE ME NOW?!?!?!?!?! :)

[HEyHEY]

40. Well, if it doesn't work out and you need a new roomate

;-)

Edit : Perverted comment withdrawn...didn't realize you were a guy....but if your roomate is lookin for a new roomate...

[StopTheMorans]

48. I'll keep you updated, but

re: the flag, aren't you canadian my friend? altho my city (rhymes with "lost in" and is on the east coast:) is a great place:)

[HEyHEY]

50. Hey just cause I'm Canadian doesn't mean I won't move away

For in house sex! YEEHAA!

[prolesunited]

43. You said it was casual

and you two are dating other people, but if you continue to sleep together, don't you think that would be awkward. It's one thing to know your not in a mutually exclusive relationship, but it's an entirely different situation to have it thrown in your face. Sure, sex is sex, but I've found if you repeat it often enough, feelings eventually creep up.

How are each of you going to feel about phone calls from others, hanging out around the house without it being tense, going into the bedroom with someone else and closing the door.

Sounds like no good can come from this situation. I would figure out what you really want and it has nothing to do with how the other guy feels.

Good luck!

[StopTheMorans]

53. to tell you the complete and honest truth

(and I hope that I don't get slammed as a pig for this), i'm a young guy, haven't found a girl whom I really want to get into a long, mutually-exclusive relationship with recently (that's why I'm dating, am still looking), so I'm just "enjoying myself" (read into that what you will) and trying not to hurt people along the way. So what I really wanted was just to have sex with C because I was physically attracted to her. I don't want a relationship with her, want things to be cool as housemates. You think it can happen, regardless of B's thoughts?

[prolesunited]

63. If it's mutually agreeable

that just sex is the extent of your relationship (been there, done that, have the T-shirt) I see nothing wrong with it. Believe it or not, sometimes all us women want from a man is good sex as well.

HOWEVER, if that's not the case with her or she isn't being totally honest with you, you are much better off walking away now because people WILL get hurt.

[yella_dawg]

49. If I've got the alphabet soup right...

If there isn't more to the story, then B is out of line putting moral restrictions on housemates. Lot's of posters have made comments about the potential drama in all this, but dramatic situations often get ugly.

If this 4-was split is simply a financial arangement, you'd better get an agreement between all four as to what personal freedoms are allowed in the household. The fact that B is laying down rules is troubling. Given the amount of drinking going on, it could turn ugly, if say he's nursing a crush on C.

But the point is, restrictions on personal freedoms are negotiated, not mandated.

[sleipnir]

51. You broke the 7th Commandment (of renting)

Thou Shalt not Sleep with One's Rooommates or Housemates....No Matter How Hot They Are.

It's usually a recipe for disaster, but we all live and learn. Yikes, 10 months left, good luck...I'd be a different story if you were moving out in a week or two, but 10 months...you should be prepared for Housemate B to freak out and maybe move. Also, talk it out with C now, if either one of you starts seriously seeing someone, it could bring some major tension and ackwardness into the house.

Good luck...

[jobycom]

55. Do what you want, it's not B's business

In a few years which would you rather have done: kept B as a friend who meddles in your affairs and makes threats to control you, or made your own decisions about what to do with your emotions and body?

Even if you don't want to pursue anything with C, make that decision because it's yours to make, not because someone outside gave you an ultimatum. I wouldn't even bother to lie about it, though for discretion's sake I wouldn't blab, either. If it never happens again, no reason for anyone to know. If it does, no reason to hide it from anyone. Hiding it would just give B and maybe D a genuine reason to feel disrespected.

Btw, if B is telling C that he'll move out if she sleeps with you, then C was giving him reason to think she would, so I'd quit blaming the booze and figure out what's really going on.

[StopTheMorans]

60. thanks, that was a great post:)

and, btw, wasn't blaming the booze, was just trying to pre-empt any one saying "you could have avoided this all by not drinking". I really have come to the conclusion that; as long as we can be cool about this in the future, B really shouldn't be concerned (I wouldn't give a damn if B and C were having sex). thanks for your thoughts:)

[xultar]

58. Nope...It won't work out...

Too many people involved. The other dude is alread jealous.
IFB (I feel bad) for you. If you really dig her...and it was good get your own place.

[SoCalDem]

64. Housemate C is in her early 30's.. She may want a long term thing

You may need to :

A..get a new "B" roomie
B. split rent 3 ways instead of 4
C. MOVE and start over


Intimacy between "formerly platonic" roommates is never a good idea, unless you are looking for permanency..

It sounds like you do not.. (several girlfriends)..

Be careful.. sleeping around these days is NEVER a good idea....

[StopTheMorans]

66. thanks for the concern:)

i appreciate it. seriously. and, she is in her early 30's, but she doesn't really act it, however, i've never been a woman in my early 30's (nor have i dated any), so i have no clue what she's thinking. I just hope she was looking for the same thing I was (and I think she was, but i'm not sure).

[mac56]

70. Time for a heart-to-heart.

Lots of things go unsaid and assumed, even in the best of "hook up" circumstances. You have to be clear about what you want, and so does she.

[StopTheMorans]

72. i was (am) afraid of that

i tend to be the typical guy and hope that things like this will "blow over" rather than being proactive and initiating a conversation. hopefully I can suck it up and do it this time, I'll try:)

[VermontDem2004]

69. It seems to me she is playing games

Who knows maybe she slept with housemate B saying that housemate A told him that housemate b told me not to sleep you. I can think of 30 different scenarios but I think she is intentionally playing games plus problems are destined to happen with two guys in their 20s living with 1 girl in her early 30s.

[StopTheMorans]

71. my favorite line was this one

"problems are destined to happen with two guys in their 20s living with 1 girl in her early 30" where were you with this advice two months ago:)

[Nikia]

73. That is a messed up situation

Ideally, you and C will keep quiet and back away from each other a bit. You overstepped your house mate relationship. As some others have already said, B probably likes C and is jealous. If he finds out about it, he will have bad feelings which will break your friendship whether or not he moves. Being quiet and backing away from each might not work if she has developed feelings for you. Feelings might even be developing as we speak. In my first year of college, I made the mistake of having casual sex with a friend who was involved with someone else and suddenly developed very strong feelings towards him and I got hurt badly. I would talk to her about it. If you want it to work, you both have to agree to be quiet, not have sex again, and back off on the flirting for a while so it doesn't happen again.

[BiggJawn]

74. Lucky you, you got a "F*** Buddy"...

As long as neither of you go "serious" on the other.

Don't tell housemate "B", none of his business. If he's got the hots for "C", too bad, like you were supposed to be Sir Galahad and stand down while he fumbles around eventually having his whack-off fantasy come crashing down?

So, why not try the 40-something housemate, too? Hell, you might be able to get your share of the rent reduced....:evilgrin:

[yellowdawgdem]

75. well, if nothing else you could write

a nice algebraic word puzzle out of this, and send it off the the S.A.T. folks.