Are my husband and I missing something?

[Nikia]

The sex with the housemate thread reminded me of discussions that I have had about my husband on other similiar threads and situations that we have heard about. The basic situation is someone having sex with their friend who they find attractive and it is suppose to be just sex. They are dismayed if the other person wants more or falls in love with them. They think that two friends who find each other should be able to separate love from sex.
My husband and I find that a bit puzzling. We are both introverted types who enjoy having close friends of both sexes who we really care about. We are friends with each and care about each other just as we care about a few other people too. We find each other attractive. We'd be lying if we said that we found no one else attractive. Oh, and we have great sex. We don't have sex with anyone else. This is our relationship. Of course we are committed to sharing our lives, finances, home, and eventually our children for the rest of our lives. In the early stages of our relationship, we didn't have this committment though. Basically, we think that if two frinds who care about each other and find each other attractive have sex that they find worthwhile and worth repeating that this is a love type boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. What more is there? Are we missing something and do not understand what a love relationship is suppose to be or do we have inappropriate feelings for our friends?

[GOPisEvil]

1. I've never been able to separate some form of committment from sex.

Just going out, picking someone up (or being picked up), having sex and never seeing the person again? Ack! Not for me. I tried it once, it left me unfulfilled. I have to have some sort of relationship with a woman to have sex with her.

:shrug: So, you're not strange to me.

[GOPFighter]

3. Egad!

G-Evil and G-Fighter...together again!

[GOPisEvil]

4. Heh...we travel in packs, hunting Republicans!

:D

[Friar]

5. mostly I agree

but I have known a woman who was more friend than sex partner but we have always been able to be friends even though we occasionally had sex when neither was involved in a relationship. We've discussed our relationship at length. We decided we were freaks that could have physical fun and yet remain simply friends. Not many people have that and I treasure her and our friendship. It's not often you can go to bed with an old friend and not have that complicate things.

[GOPisEvil]

6. As long as you two are cool with things, that's what matters.

Nothing messes up a friendship like a sexual miscommunication.

[liberalhistorian]

18. I'm the same way.

I can't "just" have sex with someone. The few times I have were incredibly depressing and totally unfulfilling. I know other people who can do that, but that's just not me. I think it depends on the person. Some people can, indeed, separate the two and have just sex and that's the end of it. That doesn't mean they're bad people or they're doing anything wrong.

[GOPFighter]

2. Some people have sex as a form of recreation...

...and it has nothing to do with love. Others see sex as an expression of love. The trick is to make sure your partner has the same attitude as you do!

[SoCalDem]

7. Men profess love to get sex, women give sex to get love..

Intimacy ALWAYS complicates life.. It's the one line, that once is crossed, there is no going back....

[Nikia]

8. We like both

Don't most people. If you are having sex with someone who you care for, aren't you being intimate? Could someone explain why this isn't always true?

[catpower2000]

9. I think the category you're missing is "FB"...

and not all people can handle an "FB" type of relationship. It's a beautiful thing if done properly. Here's an example of how it might work:

A is friends with B. For whatever reason, A and B know for certain that a relationship would never work between them. Let's say one wants children and the other doesn't, as an example of why pursuing a relationship would be a waste of time. An attraction exists between them, however. A and B are both single. They are affectionate with each other and respect each other very much. With both people understanding what the parameters are, they enjoy a mutually satisfying sexual relationship along with friendship, but no romance. It works for as long as they both remain single.

I know that this works, because I have experienced it and so have many people I know.

Cat :)

[Nikia]

10. But do they remain friends

when one of them begins a relationship with someone else. I suppose that there are people that wouldn't be hurt by that, are there?
And another question: What exactly do you mean by romance?

[catpower2000]

12. My experience has been that, yes, they do remain friends...

I have seen both outcomes, but if the outcome is not good, that means that one or the other was either operating under a delusion or was in denial. If you go into it thinking, "Well, maybe I can get this person to fall in love with me" or "I know we haven't been clear, but he/she understands this is just casual, right?" then you're doomed to failure. Complete candor and mutual respect and affection, but no love, must exist for it to work properly.

By romance I mean, the things you would expect from a romantic partner. Like, you call each other daily or regularly to "check in", you significantly note birthdays or other holidays (big presents, sentimental presents), you take the other to family gatherings or weddings.

Cat

[TEXASYANKEE]

11. This works especially well ...

When one or both (A and/or B) are married. Intimacy without commitment.

[catpower2000]

13. I would never endorse or condone that...

If you want to fuck other people, get a divorce.

Cat

[TEXASYANKEE]

14. Yowza

I was neither condoning nor endorsing it, simply stating a human condition. The need/wish for "intimacy without commitment" seems to be a common denominator for people who cheat on their spouses.

[catpower2000]

15. Sorry if I was a bit harsh, that just makes me sick...

The beauty of FB's is that nobody gets hurt. Cheating on one's spouse is despicable behavior in my opinion. Having been recently cheated upon, I suppose my feelings about this are a bit strong.

Cat

[info being]

16. Sorry to hear that

I can't begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling.

[catpower2000]

17. Aww, thanks honey...

As usual, I may have been overdramatic, lol. When I say "recently", I mean in the last few months, and it was NOT my spouse, thank god. You may have inferred from the connection to the spouse talk that I was talking about a spouse, and I wasn't.

So anyway, it's not quite as painful as all that now. But it WAS, it was terrible, and I wasn't even all THAT commited to the relationship, either. So I can't imagine what it feels like to have your husband or wife cheat on you, and that's why I said I think it's despicable behavior. What a total violation, you know?

Cat

ps. welcome to DU!! :toast: