Holding a Grudge....

[Robb]

Here's an issue upon which Mrs. Robb and I cannot agree.

I believe in holding grudges -- in fact the ability to hold a really, really long grudge is something I admire in myself and others. I've got people on my "list" I'd still like to screw (screw in the bad sense), and I haven't seen them in a decade. I know if the opportunity arose, I'd let 'em have it if I could.

Mrs. Robb, on the other hand, believes in letting things go, letting the universe take care of the karma issues, etc.

I counter that who's to say my grudge-holding isn't part of the universe's plan?

And then we shut up about it.

What do you folks think?

[jono]

1. I'm with Mrs. Robb on this one

I've tried holding grudges, but they tend to just fester in me and make me terribly unhappy. It's much easier for me to deal with my feelings, then let them go and trust the results to karma.

[flamingyouth]

4. I agree wtih you, jono

But then, I like you, so I would anyway. :hi:

Still, I have friends who believe in the grudge thing, and I feel that it affects their health. Not a good thing for you in the long run. My take is that people who are just heartless and evil get theirs in the long run, but that's just me. It's your own life, and I won't tell you how to live it.

[jono]

12. Thanks, flamingyouth

I like you too! :hi:

And I agree, it's not really my place to tell people they can't hold grudges. I'll just let karma do the work for me on that one. ;-)

[RuB]

2. The only grudge I hold is

Impeach Bushie and we'll call it even. It's even an easier case to make!!

[liberalhistorian]

3. I think you're not doing yourself any favors at all by

continuing to hold on to grudges long after they should be let go. And who knows, you may be on someone's similar list for something you've long since forgotten.

You really do feel better if you're not full of "grudging" as I call it. And yes, I have, indeed, been royally screwed in the past so I'm not some annoyingly Pollyanna-ish naive innocent. And I say this as the granddaughter of the world's premier long-time grudge-holder (my paternal grandmother, god rest her soul)!

[Robb]

8. "annoyingly Pollyanna-ish naive innocent"

Never crossed my mind! You're far too sensible to be naive! :)

On topic, I don't feel like I'm full of "grudging"; years can go by without me thinking about a grudge, for example -- but then something happens to remind me, and I think "Oh, yeah, well, if it comes up I'll get that guy"....

I'm really interested in this. It may be my single character flaw.

Oh, that and hubris. ;)

[roguevalley]

5. frustration and anger not dealt with make it hard to end a grudge

I know what you mean. Sometimes it feels good, sometimes not.
Sometimes having one helps in self-defense, especially when
you work with dorks.

[qwertyMike]

6. "Wait by the river . . . .

. . . .and your enemies will float by" - Japanese proverb
Mrs Robb is right.
Holding grudges will eat you up like cancer.

[Ratty]

7. I'd side with Mrs. Robb

She definitely has the right idea.

I am a VERY difficult person to anger or piss off. I'm so damn forgiving and understanding that things that would infuriate other people simply don't bother me. Not that I'm touting my own goodness or anything, it's just naturally the type of person I am. I guess I can always see myself too often in other people's fuckups.

But boy, when I DO get mad I tend to hold murderous grudges, for months and years. The thing is, I finally realized that these grudge jags made me feel lousy. Really, really lousy. I just wasn't happy and I spent too much time dwelling on it. I had to learn to let go. It's not easy if that kind of thing is against your nature, but I'm convinced it CAN be learned and you can force yourself to ... simply exhale, relax, let go of it, and move on to more important things. For me it's a very conscious effort.

I can't absolutely say holding a grudge is a bad thing. I can conceive of people who might thrive on it, but definitely not me and probably not most people.

[WillParkinson]

9. Let it go...

It's better for your physical and mental health.

[Bossy Monkey]

10. There is a third way: put it on hold

File and don't forget, if you will. So long as you aren't ruminating on the wrongs people did you years ago and the retaliation you'd like to mete out to them, there's no real harm in keeping that stuff stored in memory. But if you are (mulling revenge fantasies all the time), cut it out.

For my part, I generally say that I forgive but never ever ever forget. But now that I'm over 40, forgetting is no longer necessarily a voluntary act...

[slackmaster]

11. The famous Klingon proverb seems appropriate here

Revenge is a dish that is best served cold.

As long as you aren't being emotionally or spiritually consumed by your grudge there is no reason to let it go. Sooner or later the people on your list may redeem themselves or you may some day have an opportunity to take justice in whatever form it may come. The longer the delay the less likely you are to make a mistake in the heat of passion, and the less likely your enemies are to remember what they did to you.

I counter that who's to say my grudge-holding isn't part of the universe's plan?

I concur. Your grudges may even be a positive, motivating force in your life.

[rock]

13. Well, Mr Robb, I guess I'm one of the few to support your view

Lack of reprisal is a motivation to do wrong. Case in point: election 2000. That's old news in politics, and therefore will not be avenged. If on the other hand the Repukes knew there would be no let up, maybe they wouldn't have been so free to take liberties with our laws. Since they got aways with it, they'll be sure to do more in the future.

[Coventina]

14. I both agree and disagree with grudge-holding

Harboring resentment is like taking a dose of poison and waiting for the other person to die.

I've lived that previous sentence. You need to let the anger and resentment go. It will eat you alive and turn you into a bitter, nasty person.

However, just because you forgive, you need not forget. What I mean is, don't continue to let the people who have hurt you continue to do so. If they have lied, remember that when they tell you their next story. If they have stolen, remember to lock your valuables, etc.

Keep your disposition clean, but your eyes wide open.

[Piperay]

15. Your way is my way...

I know that your wife's way is the better way but I myself cannot let things go. Right now I have awhole list of people that need to pay a price for some stuff and I just can't let them off the hook. :shrug: I have managed to forgive some people but I never forget because to forget is to let it happen again, some things though are to much to forgive.

[geniph]

16. Are you by any chance a Scot?

I only ask because my husband is, and boy, he can hang onto a grudge until his fingermarks are embossed in its bones.

I'm Irish, meself...I'm quick to anger and quick to get over it. I don't necessarily forgive and forget, but I move on and blow things off when they're not still affecting me.

[cally]

17. I hold grudges, too

I mostly forget and don't fill my life with hate. I think dwelling on the experience and filling your life with revenge and hate is bad. But, if I come in contact with someone and they haven't changed then I will seek revenge. Usually it's for something that happened to someone else. I don't think I've sought revenge for something that happened to me. I feel it's justice. :evilgrin:

[SOteric]

18. I think it very much depends upon the slight in question.

If someone has peeved or insulted you and you carry hate with you for years, plotting slow, torturous vengeance complete with stalking and compiling lists of their weaknesses, then you need to seek professional help immediately.

If someone has played a humiliating prank with you as the victim and you spend a few quiet years staging the perfect prank in turn, then you're a crafty bastard and I admire you.

And if we're talking about serious issues where someone's evil schemes and/or perfidy have done you or your loved ones serious harm, then I believe in letting go the anger, - because anger only clouds one's judgement. But I don't completely advocate leaving it in the hands of "karma."

Frex, if someone has beaten and raped your sister, - work tirelessly for better safety and security in your neighbourhoods. Be an active advocate for the rights and comfort of rape victims. But don't waste your time trying to track the individual responsible down to administer some vigilante justice. That's too short-sighted and limited a response to a complex and overwhelming issue. If you're going to do something, make a difference.

If someone has stolen your government and is slowly dismantling your civil rights, I do not advocate 'getting over it' or leaving it to karma. I don't recommend working to exact revenge in the form of removing one person from power, because that's only the tip of the iceberg. If you feel you've been wronged, the let your righteous indignation take you to every legal means possible to right the greater wrong.

Individuals should have to answer to God, Karma, the Universal Justice, Time (who is know to wound all heels), or whatever you may believe. The greater evils they expose should be the target of our vengeance.

[proud patriot]

19. Holding Grudges is bad for your health IMHO

:shrug:

[populistmom]

20. I agree with Mrs. Robb, BUT...

I agree with her in the sense that holding onto negative energy only hurts yourself, BUT sometimes we need to learn a lesson about trusting someone else and by letting it go, we put ourselves in a position to get hurt again. I think there's a balance there to be maintained.

Sarah