Funniest thing you've ever said to a door-knockin' religous recruiter?

[HEyHEY]

Mine isn't so great, I imagine that there are folks on DU with real whoppers.

I was really hung over and at nine in the morning I hear a knock...I lean out my bedroom window (no shirt on, hair a mess, slober on the chin I bet) and see it's the thumpers...they look at me and say, "I'm so glad to see you this morning I'm here to bring you jesus."
I said in the most hungover, slacker, this guy is a liberal because it's just easier for him kind of way, "Look man I DON'T wanna get into this with you righ now."

The guy gave me an odd look and walked away.

My Mother is the funniest...she'll open the door, and before they are halfway through the first sentence...she says "Not interested." And shuts the door.

Now come on, I know you folks out there have some good stories.

[Birthmark]

1. The backdrop: Me with a hangover

God salesman: "Would you like to live forever?"
ME (naked): "You gotta be kidding." <slams door>

[HEyHEY]

5. Haha.... too bad they didn't have the young women with them

like usual

[JackSwift]

22. I've got a better answer

God salesman: "Would you like to live forever?"
ME: "Only an idiot would want to live forever."



or


God salesman: "Would you like to live forever?"
ME: "Do you have any 125 year old or older members? Come back when you do."

[kodi]

2. Welcome. How do you know God did not put me here to test YOUR faith?'

scared the everlivin' hell of them each time i did it to them.

then i talked about the "satan" the Lord sent to stop balam's ass from following the princes of moab.

they dont come around anymore.

[LearnedHand]

3. "I'm sorry."

"I don't discuss religion with people I don't know."

[greatauntoftriplets]

4. I am an atheist.

[RebelOne]

57. Yes, that's what I say.

But sometimes that doesn't deter them. One preacher asked me what trauma in my life turned me against god. I told him that I became enlightened.

[XanaDUer]

6. Heh, heh

We scared the proselytizing (sp?) carpet cleaner by showing him the parts of the Bible that were removed (we keep one Catholic bible, one King James' Version in the closet), the Apocrypha. He had stated that he "used to be Catholic" but "was now Christian", whatever the f*** that meant.

And he started by asking us if he could ask us something, and I thought it would be something like, "Why is the carpet dirty?" (pet puke).

Anyway, he tried to convert us, and stated that a true Christian believes that the Bible is literal, and thus no part of the Bible should be removed or tampered with, etc.

Then we showed him the removed parts and explained the political/historical reasons for it.

Rocked his world. He started stuttering and then finished and left.

Never used that carpet place again. Pretty sneaky, getting into your home under the guise of a carpet cleaner.

[HEyHEY]

8. hmmm for someone who takes the Bible word for word

He's a devious little bugger

[maveric]

7. Told Church of Christ members that I was Catholic and they quickly

backed away and left without saying another word.

[XanaDUer]

10. You must have scared them since you were not "Christian",

then. :eyes:

Next time, throw some holy water on them and tell them it burns the flesh of non-Catholics.

Then watch 'em run like hell.

[proud patriot]

9. Well we had AC DC blaring when they came to the door

We said we didn't want to talk about god with them .
They said you know that music is harmful to your
child and allows the devil into his life .

My husband replied "yeah so what"

Well they haven't been back :evilgrin:

[Scottie72]

11. Something I would love to say....

God Seller: Have you found Jesus yet?

Me: Oh my I didn't know he was lost? Wait here a minute I'll go get jacklets and my shoes and we can go look for him together. (gives a big thumbs up and huge smiles and closes the door not to return)

[virgdem]

16. LOL That reminds me of those bumper stickers in the 70's -

the ones that screamed "I found it," to which my question always was:
"Where was it?"

[ironflange]

30. I remember seeing one that said

I NEVER LOST IT

[mac56]

66. There was also "I AM IT".

nm

[MissMillie]

75. I've got one that says

"Born O.K. the first time"

[FloridaJudy]

106. My best friend had one on her car

Thar said, "You found it? You can keep it!"

[Nevernose]

12. The Mormons knocked one afternoon

While we were over at a buddy's house.

Guy's got no shirt on, a mohawk, is covered in tatoos of dragons and naked ladies, a cigarette hanging from his lips. Beer in all of our hands. There was an Israeli flag hanging on the wall, and a bad porno on the TV (Traci Lords, if you're interested). A still-smoking bong was fully visible on the table behind him. There were half a dozen of us, giving the little Mormon boys "the STARE."

"Yeah," my buddy said.

"Uhhh, sorry, we must have the wrong house," they answered, and literally RAN as fast as they could -- down the steps, to the street, and far, far away.

If you could have seen the looks on their faces... I doubt if they've ever seen white trash quite like that before or since; I doubt if I've ever laughed that hard before or since.

[rasputin1952]

13. When I lived in AZ...

NOBODY came out to where I was. I was the last guy on the power line, about 12 miles from any kind of civilization. I moved there just to get away from people, so you can imagine my chagrin when I saw dust coming up the road. I even had to have water carted in! 300 + feet to get to a water table.

I was cleaning a chicken, right after I had gotten out of the shower, and these Mormons pulled up. I could see out the window that they were just overjoyed to find someone out in the desert to bring their homespun wisdom to.

The knock on the door proved to me this wasn't some kind of bad dream, and I answered the door with a fillet knife in one hand and a partially cleaned chicken in the other, dressed in a towel. they started in, and I asked them if they could wait just a few seconds "while I finish off this sacrifice". :evilgrin:

They left when I disappeared behind the door; and I wasn't ever bothered again.

:nopity: for those who disturb me.

:kick:

edited: spelling

[HEyHEY]

14. jeez that's good

Unrelated topic..I had a buddy once whose neighbour was always loud at all hours..one night he went over with his komono on and with a machete. He used the machete to pull up the sleeve of his komono to show his watch and said "Do know what time it is?"

[rasputin1952]

Kimono, machete....

hmmm...makes for a good persuader.

:hi:

[Name removed]

59. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Catch22Dem]

FUCK YOU

You did NOT do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, I am now your NUMBER ONE FAN!!!!

ROFLMAO

[rasputin1952]

60. Yep...

it's all in the timeing.

I kind of figure, I was given a gift at that point.

:bounce:

[wellstone_democrat]

87. funniest thing I have ever read

honest to god. hilarious.

[DuctapeFatwa]

15. "Satan! My Dark Sweet Lord! I KNEW you'd come!

works every time

[Sinistrous]

17. One Saturday afternoon, I answer the doorbell,

and see two women, about 35 y/o. One says to me, "Hello, we are from the (XYZ) Church." I responded, "You have my deepest sympathy." and shut the door.

[HEyHEY]

18. haha...when the Johos came to my friends house and said..

"Did you know on the day of judgment only 40,000 people will be saved?"

Response, "Can you gaurantee me a spot in line?"

Another time..different friend's dad.
"Do you have a list of people you're not supposed to visit?"
Religious person... "Uh...no"

Friend's dad "Well you should start one, and put my name right on the top."

[Redneck Socialist]

19. "So Jesus is kinda like Jason from Friday the 13th?

He comes back from the dead?" Not my line, unfortunately. It was uttered by my Jewish roomate in college. He LOVED to torture those guys. I helped out by playing Iron Maiden while they were there.

[mykpart]

20. I have a friend who is Greek Orthodox.

When the Bible-thumper asked him if he believed in the Bible, he answered, "Oh yes, and I read it in its original language so as not to lose any meaning in translation."

[TXlib]

21. I ask them when their services are

And then I tell them I will be sure to stop by and disturb them in the middle of it.

[HEyHEY]

23. Good idea

I should try that.

[scarlet_owl]

24. I have a sign that reads "No solicitors or church people".

Surprisingly, it works. My grandmother invites them into her house. She had one fall asleep on her couch once. On edit: My stepmother had to yell at some once because they parked their big day-glo orange bus right in front of the entrance to her driveway.

[arwalden]

25. My Sign Says "NO CHRISTIANS! NO SOLICITORS! NO SALESMEN! NO PEDDLERS!"

I had it custom made at Staples office supply store. Under $10. A bargain at twice the price!!!

-- Allen

[HEyHEY]

26. I hope I'm there the day a non-christian comes to your door!

Then you'll wish you'd spent another 2 bucks on letters.... Arwalden...then you'll wish!


Oh hey....off-topic, do me a favour and don't shop at Staples. Evil bastards they are!

cheers!

[scarlet_owl]

27. That's cute, but does that mean I couldn't come to your house?

I'm a Christian. I'm nice, though. And I won't try to convert anyone. I'll even take my shoes off.

[arwalden]

35. The Sign Is On The FRONT DOOR!! Friends know to come to the side door...

next to the garage and enter into the HEART of our home... the kitchen! Come on over... but call first!

-- Allen

[scarlet_owl]

37. Ooooohhhhh. I do love kitchens! That's where the food is.

I'll bring some desserts!

[HEyHEY]

40. Back door guests are best

Is what my friends have...everyone who knows em knows to go to the back.

[arwalden]

41. It's a HUGE "country" kitchen...

... that makes me think of Aunt Bea's kitchen. (The only thing missing is the crank phone on the wall and the split-door.)

Returning to the subject... Don't get me wrong about Christians. Some-of-my-best-friends-are-Christian (as they say). But we just don't debate theology.

My Christian mother just LOVES my "No Christians" sign and has hinted (more than once) that she wants one for Solstice. Well she said Christmas... but I'll give it to her for Solstice...a minor technicality...but we won't quibble about it.

My sister 'in law' just rolls her eyes. She thinks my partner and I are nuts anyway. She's convinced herself that it's a gag... a joke. If she only knew how serious we were. She can't stand them either.

She loves to tell us how she has invited JW's in her home to help her do housework or to watch the kids while she cleaned the bathroom (or some odd chore).



-- Allen

[scarlet_owl]

44. I know I know. I didn't want to come off as sounding too sensitive.

It was a lame attempt at humor. I like your sign.

Personally, I cringe at calling myself a Christian because that seems to lump me in with the nutjobs. The very word has such a negative connotation because of the wingnuts. I guess I don't need the label. It's not important, right? It's actions that matter.

[rasputin1952]

63. The only time you should be ashamed of calling yourself....

a Christian or Jew, or anything else for that matter, is if you practice a bastardized form of that religion or faith.

I am a Christian as well, but lightyears away from those that exist in the limelight. I would never ask God to bring doewn retribution on what I 'think' are 'sinners'; it is not for me to judge. I think that the biggest 'sin' an individual can commit, is being a hypocrite.

:kick:

[mitchum]

28. I know that it may surprise many, but I'm never flippant...

or rude when they knock on my door. i offered two Mormon missionaries some juice or ginger ale last week. Door-to-doors really will take no for an answer. And if they want to leave literature? Sure, why not? Why the hell should I care?

[sujan]

55. good strategy

[lynndew2]

29. I havent been bothered lately but

I used to keep the satanic bible by the door. When they would ask please at least read our text and hand me the watchtower. I would hand them the satanic bible and say as long as you will read mine. They always left very fast. :evilgrin:

[StaggerLee]

31. "No thank you, I'm Catholic. I was BORN saved."

I overheard this one.

[Mal]

32. If I'm in the right mood for it,

I enjoy talking to them. A bit of a theological argument with people who believe the bible word-for-word can be fun.
I remember one time when I told them a short fable about a boss who put a notice up on the wall. It read "Do Not Read The Back Of This Notice". Human curiosity being what it is, obviously someone sooner or later turned it over and read the back, and that person was immediately FIRED! I then asked them what they thought of the boss in the story, and obviously they weren't impressed; "What's he trying to prove?" one of them remarked, and we agreed he was a total bastard and gets off on power.
Then I pointed out the similarities between that story, and the story of Adam, Eve, and the Apple.

One thing I do hate is when they don't even know their own material. I had one try to tell me that Noah had two of each animal on the ark, and held to it even when I gave him ample prodding. I had to find my own bible and show him the relevant section; as memory serves it's one pair of every unclean animal, but 5 pairs of every clean (I don't know where my bible is at the moment, but it's along those lines). I don't expect normal people to remember that, but door-knocking God-botherers should know their stuff.

PS - I'm atheist, but a bible can always come in handy.

[Booberdawg]

33. I just say no thanks and shut the door on them.

I do the same with telemarketers. With telemarketers if they start talking without giving me a chance to refuse them I just hang up. Fuck 'em. It's an intrusion.

[Mal]

34. With telemarketers

I say "Piss off" and hang up on them. I don't give a damn if they're still talking or not.

[HEyHEY]

36. I give telemarketers a break

Most of them are just poor folk who wouldn't do that job if they didn't have to, so I'm always polite with them...lucky for me I'm poor folk so I don't feel bad for not buying anything!

[arwalden]

43. Really? You're Much Nicer Than I Am... I Give Them A Guilt Trip...

You do know that you woke me up, right? I work the graveyard shift and 3 in the afternoon translates to 3 in the morning for me! How would you like it if I called YOU at three AM? You ought to be ashamed of yourself! This is an invasion of my privacy and my right to peace and quiet. What kind of low life scum would even bother to take a job like the one you have. Oh great! Now you've woken up the baby! I'll never get to sleep now. Look what you've done! I don't know what I'm going to do now. I can't handle this anymore. And it's your fault... YOU DID THIS TO ME!

[HEyHEY]

50. I liked that Seinfeld

When he says to the telemarketer, "Tell you what, how bout you give me your number and I'll call you back...what oh yeah I guess ya don't want people calling you at home....NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL"

[GoddessOfGuinness]

38. Thanks, but my Mom always said,

"Beware of the false prophets".

[rppper]

39. this happened in college to me and my dorm-mate......

...in the bible-belt of north east texas. i told them i was jewish and my room-mate was catholic....that ended his conversation right then and there. the ministry he was from had boycotted playing a catholic school earlier in the year and jews in texas were a rare find...not that i was jewish to begin with, but i had been dealing with these wackos for years, and that always seemed to get them off my porch quick enough. my roomie was from chicago and had no wartime experience with the southern babtists. another time we were bombarded by these guys a few months later my roomie blew a bong hit at the one closest to the door and started talking in tounges...they ran away that day.

[athos1126]

42. When we were 9 and 10

Me and my friend Allie used to tell Mormons that we just got done sacrificing the lambs. Hehehe...

[JohnKleeb]

52. heh thats a good one athos

I really havent had much problems with religious people coming to the door, I could tell em the truth that I am Catholic or I could say sorry I am converting to "religion name here" tommorow.

[hunter]

45. Quotes from Ezekiel are always good.

Especially translations that use words like "whore" and "fornication," as in:

"You took the splendid ornaments of gold and silver which I had given you, and you made for yourself male images with which you committed fornication."

Actually I'm on the "do not call" list of all the door-to-door religions around here, but not for that. Usually I talk about Pope John Paul II until they either stroke out or flee. Also my dog likes to growl and sniff at them, and she looks spooky and sinister because her eyes are two different colors. And if my parrot flys onto my shoulder and screeches or laughs like a maniac, that's good too.

I remember I was having one of the worst experiences of my college life when the Jehevoh's Witnesses came to my door. A few minutes earlier a young woman I knew, a "Good Christian" young woman, a virgin according to all who knew her, came to my door smelling of whisky and vomit, and when I let her in she threw up on the floor of my apartment too.

When the Witnesses knocked, she was passed out naked in my shower, and I had just finished cleaning the vomit off the floor, and her smelly clothes were in a basket by the front door. I had some vague half-formed plan that I was going to take her clothes down to the laundry after I got up the nerve to check on her, because she wasn't answering when I called her.

You see, I thought she might be dead.

So I opened the front door, and the nice couple standing there started talking about heavenly gardens because they'd noticed I had a lot of plants and macrame around, and a little ecology flag sticker in the window. Then they noticed the smell, the soiled woman's clothes, and the look of anguish and confusion on my face, and they simply froze.

The only thing I could do was close the door on them.

Some polyanna later suggested they may have been angels, but somehow I doubt that. It took almost five years and a mess of people I'm certain were angels to clean up that wreck.

Peace

[Ellen Forradalom]

46. We're Jews

It happens to be true, too.

[Syncronaut Seven]

47. Jehova's witness with a young daughter

Must have been 7 or 8, I crouched down to the childs level and asked "Does your mommy ever let you think for yourself?"

Without a word, mom twisted on her heels grabbed the child by the arm and stomped off. They must have blacklisted me or something. I haven't seen a JW since.

Harrad.

[NJCher]

48. intrusions

You guys answer the door? I wouldn't even think of doing that! I don't answer the telephone, either.

As a little kid, I can remember hiding in the bathroom with my two brothers and mother. She didn't want to offend them so we just pretended we weren't home.



Cher

[Exultant Democracy]

49. Ok mine is pretty good,

This was about 6 years ago when I was 16. My girlfriend and I were on our way to the shower when there is a knock at the door. Thinking it was just some of our friends we answered just in our towels. There were two people at the door a man and a woman probably in their 20's.

Holding their bibles and pamphlets they ask to speak to us. I give them a smile and tell them that as they can see I am very busy, but don't worry we don't use condoms.

The look of terror almost made me feel bad. Just to give you more appreciation I was one of the few people of color in the area I grew up in and I looked extremely old for my age. While my ex at 22, looks like a 14 year old.

[HEyHEY]

51. haha

Nothin' like freakin out the biblebashers by really showing them something they couldn't take!

[JackDragna]

53. WHO DARES DISTURB SATAN FROM "OPRAH?"

eom

[rustydog]

54. "Yes, I found Jesus..."

(holding hand waist high) He's a short little fucker, about this tall"
They don't come around any more.
:bounce:

[Robb]

71. LOL!!

That's funny.

My neighbor keeps a double-barrel shotgun on a rack above the front door. He claims he's leveled it at door-to-door god salesmen twice since he moved here, just saying, quietly and low, the word "Go." :)

[Dogmudgeon]

56. I proselytized two J-Wits for Scientology®

I blocked the door while I did so.

They were mighty scared, they were.

I managed to yammer at them for a good fifteen minutes before allowing them to beat a hasty retreat. They racewalked back to their car and drove off pronto, never to be seen again.

--bkl

[eileen_d]

58. My friend was raised Jehovahs Witness

He was visiting in Seattle and we were getting stoned with some friends when two other JW's came to the door. This was very odd because we were on the second floor of a really crappy apartment house in the midst of a bunch of frat houses.

With a straight face my buddy told them how he had been raised JW but left the church and was also gay. I wish I could remember exactly how he said it, but the only specific thing I remembered was that I giggled a lot and the two JW's looked pretty scandalized.

(Note to lurking law enforcement: I don't get stoned anymore, but still would like to see it legalized. Thanks!)

[Iverson]

61. "nice talking with you"

That's far and away my most hilarious statement to them.

[VermontDem2004]

62. "No, I'm not interested"

That's basically all I say to the Morman missionaries.

Let me add my friend had caller id and whenever a salesperson would call he would always pick up the phone and say "Top of the world God speaking." Anyways I thought it was funny.

[Loonman]

64. My very religious Baptist Pal

My old friend who is a devout Baptist, but not a thumper, invites Mormons in, makes them coffee, sits them on the couch and then deconstructs their faith with loud punk rock blaring in the background.

The don't come to his house anymore.

[mcar]

65. I already subscribe to a religion

but thanks anyway. That's what I tell them all the time and it always works.

I used to work with quite a few JWs and my house was on their visiting route so it was almost always my co-worker and some other JWs so I always wanted to be polite.

[Native]

72. MCAR is always polite!

Our boss, on the other hand, would invite them in for a cocktail. If they refused, he'd ask them if they wanted to check out his porn collection.

[mac56]

67. I had a couple of JWs stop by while I was mowing the lawn.

They offered to mow it for me! I declined and thanked them. Should have taken them up on it.

[MSchreader]

68. Answered the door once while cleaning my rifle

I told them that interruptions REALLY piss me off.

I did invite Jehovah's Witnesses in for a conversation. All but one of them ended up leaving after a short time. Why all but one?

I converted him into a Marxist. :evilgrin:

Martin

[peekaloo]

69. Let's talk about dinosaurs!

[ProfessorGAC]

70. "God Told Me You Were Coming 5 Minutes Ago. He Said. . .

. . .to tell you that you've got the whole thing wrong."

It was Jahovah's Witness folks and they've NEVER come back.
The Professor

[TrogL]

73. My mother told me never open the door to strangers....but....

she didn't say anything about talking through the crack in the door with the chain on.

When I was about ten I kept two of them at the door for half an hour while I tore them apart. They were going all fundie and literalist on me so I started pointing out inconsistencies like the varied and shifting crowd at the Tomb, wondering where Cain's wife came from, when pi was recalibrated to 3.00 and ended it off with a 5 minute rant on the mysteries of the Trinity.

You see, I paid attention during Sunday school and actually read my Bible.

Later, I sicced the RCMP on a Morman that was bothering me.

[noonwitch]

74. When I lived in Detroit

"Go over to the crack house across the street. They really need Jesus there". I said this to one group.

These white, suburban teenagers came by from a "missionary" church that felt the need to save Detroiters. I'm white, but my neighborhood was mostly black. I said "Do your parents know you're down here south of 8 Mile?".

I always liked the Mormons. They always sent nice looking young men to my house, and they were always willing to talk about their strange, but interesting faith. I hid from Jehovah's Witnesses. They freak me out too much-no Christmas, no birthdays, no blood transfusions, Michael Jackson.

[demgurl]

76. I still remember how mad my Mom got when they came to our door!

I was about 11 when some Latter Day Saints came to our door. They talked about the end of the world and dying. I held my own talking about reincarnation and how none of what they said mattered if I was just going to come back anyway. They finally gave up on me after almost a half an hour. I found it all hilarious and quite amusing. My Mom stormed into the house about five minutes after they left. She raced over to the phone and looked up the number of their church to call them and tell them they would be in big legal doo-doo if they ever came back to our house again! As it turns out, Mom arrived as they reached the driveway. They told her about what I was saying and they insisted I needed help from a doctor because I was just not right in the head. Mom was mad for two reasons. She didn't want someone espousing their beliefs and influencing me at such a young age. The second reason was all the things they said about me and how I was wrong in the head. They never showed up at our door again!

Christina

[Arcturus]

80. How long ago did that happen?

Were you alone in the house when the missionaries came in? If so, they should not have come in at all. I'm sure their mission president would have reamed them if he had found out they had entered.

I'm a former Mormon missionary myself, and I never dared enter a house if only a child was there - especially if it was a house of somebody I didn't know. We had fairly strict rules because of legal issues that had occured in the past. For example, we weren't supposed to enter a house unless a male (non-missionary, of course) 18 or older was there. Frequently, if there was nobody there and somebody wanted to talk to us, we would just set up a table outside of the house.

[demgurl]

103. This happened about 24 years ago.

It was in Canda (not sure if that made a difference). It is in a place where everyone pretty much trusts everyone. Doors are left unlocked and people are just good. Still like that today! Anyway, I was alone and boy was my Mom mad at them!

Christina

[pdx_prog]

77. Usually...

It's either the Mormons or the Jehova's Wintnesses....

If the Mormons are at the door just open it and tell them you are a witness.

If it's the witnesses at the door, just open it and tell them you are mormon.

Better yet.....tell either one that you are Jewish.

Any of the above three will cause them to scatter like cockroaches...lol

[Spirochete]

78. I'm usually polite to them

I just tell them I'm a commited eggnog, and wish them luck and send them on their way, but a couple times I've used my "I don't have time to talk now - I have to get the house cleaned up for the black mass tonight" line on them. Doubt if they believed me, but they did leave.

[sangh0]

79. You people are cruel!!!

I'm laughing so hard, it hurts, and I bet that won't stop you from telling this stories.

[Blue_Chill]

81. "I'm Catholic, come back when you have a bigger hat."

*Slams door*

[eauclaireliberal]

91. That's the best one I've heard thus far

[Braden]

82. Religious Salesperson: Don't you want to live for eternity

Braden: Yes, but not with you.

Mormons.

[Arcturus]

83. Door knocking experiences

Seeing as I've been a Mormon missionary before, I guess I'll share some amusing experiences from the other end of the spectrum. I served in Argentina, by the way.

One time a child answered the door and said his parents weren't home. I asked, "Can you ask them when they'll be back?" The child said, "Okay. Mommy! When are you going to be back?"

One time we were about to knock on a door when we heard some ecstatic moaning inside. "Uh, I think we ought to skip this one for now."

Frequently you'll get people inviting you in so they can argue with you. One time somebody played a tape of an anti-Mormon preacher - I had only been in the country for a month, so I didn't understand a word of it, but the speaker was screaming the entire time.

Somebody actually did say "We're Jewish" once. I'm not sure if that was true, because she was wearing a cross and had a Virgin Mary above her door.

One time I was with a companion who didn't like to speak. When we got to a door, I knocked and said, "It's your turn." When the door opened, I looked over at my companion...who was looking at me, expecting me to speak. I gestured to the guy at the door as if to say "Start talking already!" My companion didn't say a word. After a few awkward seconds, I sighed and began. "Hi, my name is..." The guy cut me off and said he didn't have time for us.

When people turned us down, we usually appreciated it the most when they were polite about it. Most missionaries will take no for an answer (except for the extremely insistent ones - the funny thing about them is that being too insistent when knocking doors is generally not liked amongst the missionaries). Also, most of us don't like knocking doors at all - it's by far one of the least effective ways of finding people who want to listen.

[Ratty]

84. Mormon undergarments

You have to start by feigning interest. Then ask innocently:

"So, I heard you guys wear some kind of special clothing. What's that all about?"

They'll politely tell you it's secret but the fun is to keep at it.

"So it's like some kind of underwear. Panties. Something like that?"

"More of a cup, or jockstrap type of deal?"

"Okay, but just tell me does it, like, wrap around your penis or something?"

"I bet it holds your balls up?"

"Some kind of chastity thing, right?"

"Got spikes inside so you don't, you know ... BOING!"

[ohiosmith]

85. 1966, I'm walking down Hollywood Blvd.

with my then girlfriend and a God guy says to us " do you know Jesus is coming soon?". She says "oh shit, all my good outfits are at the cleaners".

[HEyHEY]

86. It's a classic but I have a sticker that says

"Jesus is coming: LOOK BUSY" on my mirror

[FloridaJudy]

107. That's the best one yet...

I'm usually polite to these people, and tell them I'm not interested. I don't know why they haven't already figured this out by looking at the honking great Pentacle on my front door, as well as the sign "Witches' Parking Only! All Others Will Be Toad!".

I once got a truly obnoxious one who keep repeating "Have you found Jesus?", and finally snapped "Try looking in the Synagogue. He was Jewish".:spank:

[Nikia]

88. My husband scared the JWs away with his story

My husband works mostly from home and one afternoon two Jehovah Witnesses knocked on the door. He agreed to listen to what they had to say but said that he was working on something. We go to the range shooting so he was cleaning his guns while they were talking. After a while he asked about God's forgiveness and they said that anyone can be forgiven. Then he said "So you'll let me back in the church?"
"What do you mean?" they asked. "Well, we used to live in Minnesota and one night someone broke into our apartment and I shot the intruder. I was cleared of all charges but the church kicked me out."
"We have to go," they said running towards the door.
The story was bogus but it was effective.

[kayell]

89. I usually just tell them "not interested" and close the door but

sometimes I let them get as far as "where do you believe that you will go after you die?" cause then I can tell them "I'm going to DISNEY WORLD!!!".

This summer I was sitting on my porch when a nice couple of young mormon missionary guys came walking up the drive, gave them my usual not interested and went back to drinking my tea in peace. Probably looked like beer in the tall glass mugs I use. They went on down to my neigbors, walked up their drive. I let them get most of the way to the door and yelled out "oh, you don't want to bother them, they just got married yesterday" Two confused, then beet red young mormons went skedaddling down the street in search of less embarrassing prey.

[HEyHEY]

92. or they ran home...if ya know what I mean

[patdem]

90. NOBODY HOME....from behind a closed door with a LOUD CRISP VOICE

[1a2b3c]

93. Answer the door in you underwear and ask if they wanna come in and

take a few bong hits.

I havent tried it yet but i have answered the door naked with a towel of course. :evilgrin: But i do want a bible thumper to come over so i can try the bong hit line.

[regnaD kciN]

94. Back when I was in college...

...I disposed of a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses by telling them, "I find your theology too Manichean and eschatological." They suddenly lost interest in any further discussion.

[radfringe]

95. When I first moved

into my first house - I was up early the next morning, clad in a pair of grubby shorts and a gay pride t-shirt, there was a knock at the door

yep, JW's were standing there, they started in with the speech, then stopped when they "noticed" my t-shirt. I just said no-thanks and shut the door

another incident several years later, I told the JW I don't buy from door-to-door salespeople. He said he wasn't selling anything. I asked him how much for the magazines he had in his hand.

He said it was free for a donation.

"Free for a donation? so like I have to give you money for the magazine? Sounds like you are selling magazines and I don't buy from door-to-door salespeople"

he insisted he wasn't selling anything, but he didn't offer me a copy of the magazine for free either... I just shut the door

I hate being "rude" but these folks, like telemarketers don't take NO for an answer

[AlienGirl]

96. "Oh goody! You're here!

I'll tell you all about my goofy belief system if you'll tell me yours!" Said with a perky smile. Then I kept talking a mile a minute about anything I could think of, not letting them get a word in edgewise.

Funny how my new friends left so abruptly... :shrug:

Tucker

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

97. I am the Secomd Coming.... Let's keep this to ousrselves. Okay?

They started on the sacrilage bend and I gave my best beatific look and said, "Don't fuck with me now. You really wouldn't like to see me angry."


They left.

[FireHeart]

98. The funniest thing happened to me...

and it was totally unintentional. My spouse and daughter were going to go to the mall, and they decided they would wear identical T-Shirts. The shirts displayed a fire-breathing dragon, as we are very fond of dragonlore. We have numerous pewter and ceramic dragon statues all over the living room. I also have two Ninja swords with black laquered dragon sheaths in a lighted display case.

Anyway, these two Mormons rang the doorbell just before they were leaving. My spouse answered the door, they looked at her shirt and (so I was told) their eyes got real big. They asked "what significance did the shirt have for her?" My spouse just kinda *looked* at them. Then my daughter came out of her room, wearing the exact same shirt. Eyes widened. Looked around. See dragon models. See swords. Eyes widen further.

Then I come out of the bathroom. I'm dressed totally in black, with a silver wizard on a black T-shirt, brandishing a wand with a dragon in the background. I smiled and said "Hello".

Ever see a cat's eyes when they are in a dark room? How big they get?

LOL

What's best is that I look like a retired biker. Long white hair, salt and pepper beard. Combine that with the rest, and you have one hilarious episode.

They took off real fast. Never came back. We were very polite, too.

:evilgrin:

[elfwitch]

99. a snake

For three weekends in a row at 9am I had JWs at my door. For three weeks in a row I had only gotten to bed around 4am.

At the time we had many pet snakes. On the third week, I made a pit stop at the 6 foot ball python's cage before answering the door. I had it wrapped around my neck when I opened the door.

They never came back.

[jmowreader]

100. I offered a beer to a JW recruiter once.

The most medieval I ever got on a door-to-door god salesman (love that term!) was a chaplain. We got a new chaplain who was a Pentecostal. He held a "get acquainted" briefing at the post theater--all personnel required to attend. Okay, no problem so far, most chaplains do that.

"I'm going to pass out a little questionnaire. Please fill it out completely and turn it in."

Question 1: name, rank, unit.
Question 2: "Are you absolutely certain that you would go to Heaven if you died tonight?"
It went downhill from there. I didn't fill out the whole thing.

Six weeks later, after some serious Bible thumping, the chaplain finally got his order of Chick tracts in the mail, put them in the literature rack in the mess hall, and our Catholic battalion commander fired him for it.

[rusk2003]

102. I sometimes

Thank them and point them to the direction of one of my Baptist Neighboors and tell them they would be intrested in reading what they have. Or they are shopping for a new religon. :bounce:

[LTR]

101. "Got any vacuum cleaners?"

"Candy?"

"Discount cards?"

"Perfume?"

"Then I'm not interested."

When I was younger, we had some neighbors that were not only Jehovies, but also sold Amway. Talk about someone you just didn't want coming to your door!

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

104. My dad to a Jehovah's Witness...

"I am married. I have a beautiful wife. I have two wonderful kids. I make money. I have a pretty nice house. I like to celebrate my birthday AND Christmas. I'm pretty sure I've found god. So, thanks for your time but I probably won't be needing you."

Something like that, it was awhile ago.

[Clete]

105. Not a door thumper,

but a street preacher who used to harrass us uniformed Catholic school girls at the bus stop when we were going home. Somehow in religion class with the parish priest it sort of came up. The priest told us to say the next time to the preacher that the 39th chapter of Matthew proves that everything he is preaching is wrong.

Well, there is no 39th chapter in Matthew. So he shut up then, but the next day he screamed at us that if we were reading a 39th chapter, it had to be written by Satan and we were his succubi. Haha!
Well so much for dealing with a nut case. Thereafter we walked the extra two blocks to another bus stop.