Operation Infinite Purity-Winning the War on Masturbation

[VermontDem2004]

THE PROBLEM:

Masturbation is more dangerous than atheism. Doctors of a generation ago knew this, but over the course of recent Democratic administrations, and their prevailing philosophy of "if it feels good, do it" - this problem has spiralled out of control.
Myth: Masturbation is harmless.
Reality: Medical science proves that chronic masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness.

Myth: There are bigger problems than masturbation, like drugs and AIDS.
Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month!

Myth: Masturbation is not immoral.
Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn't masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason.

Myth: Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime."
Reality: Theological experts on masturbation have come to the conclusion that masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.

Myth: Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for masturbation being outlawed.
Reality: Masturbatory devices are already illegal in President Bush's home state Texas. The police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law.

Myth: But everyone's doing it!
Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't masturbate.

THE PLAN OF ATTACK
How to stop the current epidemic of Democrat-approved self-abuse in America? We will employ precisely the same tactics, legislation, and get-tough attitude that has been so successful in the War On Drugs.

Control of Paraphernalia: Drug abuse has been slashed by the outlawing of drug accessories such as syringes and marijuana pipes. In order to get tough on masturbation, we will eliminate masturbatory paraphernalia. This means outlawing such things as:

"Personal Vibrators" and other masturbatory devices such as dildos and blow-up dolls.
ALL indecent art. This includes paintings, sculptures and photographs. We don't need the Victoria's Secret catalog! Simple, modest underwear would sell itself and minimize unGodly temptations.
Certain food. If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages, cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for the women among us to resist the temptation to masturbate.

Intensive Urine Testing: Science has discovered that men produce sperm cells constantly. All that sperm has to go somewhere! If an unmarried man doesn't masturbate, all the sperm cells he produces end up in his urine. Going forward, all unmarried men will be required to submit frequent urine samples, which will be examined under a microscope. If an unmarried man has a low concentration of sperm cells in his urine, it means he has been having orgasms - and therefore is guilty of either masturbation or fornication and should will be incarcerated. Random urine testing in the War On Drugs has been a very powerful weapon. We will not hesitate to harness it for use in the War On Masturbation!

Zero Tolerance: Just as police departments seize the cars and homes of people who are caught with drugs, Operation Infinite Purity calls for the homes and SUVs of people caught masturbating to be taken away without due process and auctioned off, with all proceeds going to augmenting similar anti-masturbation law enforcement.


http://www.whitehouse.org/initiatives/purity/index.asp

[Brucey]

1. Who writes this stuff?

It is dead-on satire, and very funny. The other stories on the Web site are even funnier... and mostly true. Great parody. I wonder if repugs can tell?

[VermontDem2004]

2. Yeah the site is great

Check out the 'For Kids Only' section.

Are Your Mommy & Daddy Liberal America Haters?


Many of you may find it hard to remember, but before we had President Bush, our wonderful leader and father to our Christian nation, we had a horrible, criminal president called Clinton, who was infested with dozens of filthy diseases. Because of him, millions of people who might seem good were actually corrupted into traitorous enemies of the state. Are your mommy and daddy among them? President Bush needs your help to find out! So be an Eagle Eyes snitch - and get rich! Because for every family member you help put in front of a military tribunal, the government will send you a whole dollar!
http://www.whitehouse.org/kids/eagle.asp

[11 Bravo]

3. They can have my penis...

when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

[Booberdawg]

4. Bwahahahahaha!!!

"Masturbation is more dangerous than atheism.":o

[VermontDem2004]

5. Dean eats Kitten Fetuses!

http://www.whitehouse.org/initiatives/posters/dean-kitty.asp

[Booberdawg]

6. Cut that out!

[wtmusic]

7. Yikes!! Damage control!!

I feel like I've been used...

[emad]

8. There was this famous university study in the 1960s whose name

I can't remember right now but I know I quoted it for my Social Science final exams....it was aout what was deemd 'normal' and 'deviant' sexual behaviour, conducted on some 3,000 students in California, by anonymous response questionnaire....

It found that over 98% of those who answered the question 'do you masturbate more that once a week?' answered yes, and by the criteria laid down by the survey team, it had to be deemed that masturbation was therefore the most 'normal' form of behaviour for 18-22 year olds......and thus any other regular sexual behaviour other than masturbation must therefore be deemed 'deviant'....

So now you know

[Javneh]

9. Actually the stat is close

95% of adults masturbate.

The other 5% are lying

[OneBlueSky]

10. now wait just a cotton-pickin' minute . . .

didn't I recently read some research that found that masturbation is good for you? . . . especially for those in their 20s? . . . just another example of the Bush administration ignoring sound science in favor of ideology . . . disgusting! . . . :)

[mbartko]

11. Satire so good...

I wasn't completely sure it was satire until I saw the URL.

"Masturbatory devices are already illegal in President Bush's home state Texas."

Is this true? Hands are illegal? What are the TX Freepers gonna do now with their Ann Coulter action figures?

EDIT to replace "doll" with "action figure".

[soupkitchen]

12. This war requires hand to hand combat