The Fabulous World of Jennifer Lopez

[ForrestGump]

I just happened to catch a bit of VH1 - the tail end of "I Love The '80s" (focus on 1983). "Cool," think I. So I keep watching while I finish my lunch and a teaser for something called "The Fabulous Life of Jennifer Lopez" pops up. "Ha! Good one, dudes," I think, saluting their fabulous sense of irony.

But...the thing is...

...it wasn't some ironic parody at all. It was the bumper for an actual show called "The Fabulous Life of Jennifer Lopez." Imagine my chagrin. Narrated by some grating Robin-Leech-wannabe, gushing over the way she spends her money, I figured it just had to be an involved parody that only the cool among us could ever 'get' or that it'd have a wicked punchline in its tail.

So I watched the first between-ads installment (I watch very little TV, my TV mainly serving as a movie screen, so these ads are tremendously intrusive to my 'beautiful mind' and in themselves make me despair for the US) and found no irony beyond that inherent to such superficial raving about how the terminally shallow throw their money away. I survive the ads but have to turn the TV off before the increasingly annoying, making-me-want-to-shoot-the-TV-screen narrator had even finished getting his rocks off over the karat-ness of J-Lo's rocks.

Over the past few days, since VH1 somehow showed up on my TV, I have caught a little bit here and there of things like "I Love The 80s," "When Supermodels Ruled The World," "The 100 Greatest One Hit Wonders," "40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds," and some show about centerfolds, and I appreciated the pop culture trappings. But this latest travesty is just too much. Or maybe not enough. Has anyone managed to sit through the whole thing? IS there a punchline? IS it a parody? Or is US television and the nation's sensibility even worse than I feared, and getting more so every day?

And Jennifer Lopez? How did she even GET all this money? I've never seen any of her films, primarily because I have heard almost nothing but that they're absolute crap - or that even the better ones ("Maid in Manhattan," for example) would have been better with another female lead) but - even if she IS good in them, and even if I WOULD like them, isn't she very far from being a first-tier actor or movie star?

Same with her singing - vocalizing, I mean. I finally heard it long after she became the big 'celebrity' and was massively underwhelmed. Sounds like generic dance-pop drivel, to me, with her voice neither distinguished nor showing any range.

When she got famous - and I seem to recall her being boosted a lot by merely hanging out with a gun-toting boyfriend who these days changes his name in a patent attempt to outcompete the 'artist' once formerly known as Prince - it seemed to me that she was famous just for being famous. And that only continued through her various attempts to wear less at each awards ceremony, an ambition that I hail from the depths of my loins but that seemed capped before she really got to showing us the good bits, dammit. Anyway, you know - as far as I can see, she's one of those spurious media-created celebrities that we see so many of these days, though she didn't have to endure some stupid 'reality' game show to become one. It still seems that way to me. How the hell did she get so big, or so rich?

And the idea of her throwing her money around in shameless extravagance - most of us would consider it wasting her money - does not offend me in that it is HER money and she earned it (how, I'm not sure) and can do what she wants with it. Sure, it'd be nice if she'd apply it a little more meaningfully, but you can't argue with the bottom line that she can do what she wants with her semolians.

What I find way more disturbing is that (a) there's a TV show that celebrates (unless I'm second-guessing the joke, and I hope that I am) her fiscal excesses and (b) that she is famous at all - no, not so much that she's famous (hey, good for her), but that she's so obsessively focused on for doing so little when real people and issues are just brushed aside by the media (and, indeed, by the US population, though cause and effect here is hard to determine).

So, is it just me? Am I getting a head start on being a curmudgeon?

:wtf:

Here's a blurb on it, if you want to experience a brief, WWW-based taste of the horror...

http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/fabulous_life_of/68675/episode_about.jhtml

I'll hold out for "The Fabulous Life of Mother Theresa," thank you very much. In the meantime, gimme that centerfold program again, VH1.




ABOVE: Forrest's dream job - celebrity nipple-tweaker.

[psychopomp]

1. Yer just jealous

She is *loved* by tens, if not hundreds of thousands of fans. I am watching her live in Puerto Rico DVD as I type and I'll tell ya that it is a kick-ass performance, even if you are not into it...

She is not a great singer...more comparative to Madonna than to a
Celia Cruz. However, there is something about her that has kept her in the limelight and it is not her ass. She has charisma, talent and charm.

Didn't see the show but you're talking about TV, right? Who gives a sheit about what is on television, anyway?

[ForrestGump]

8. I'm just a jealous guy...

Not even.

She is beautiful, physically, but that's about the only attribute I see in her that's worthy of anyone's attention (personal level aside - for all I know, she's a really nice young lady...it could happen). Not sure I see either charisma, talent, or charm there anywhere at all, actually.

Then again, I never thought Madonna was any good, either.

[psychopomp]

11. Have they (Madonna and JLo) done something meaningful?

In a way, I think they have. I don't know, different strokes for different folks and all that, but I suppose for a range of people *across the world* they played or are playing an important role in their perceptions of themselves or of their potential (as women, as rugged individuals, as ones who just want to express themselves). It's pop music and therefore an easy target, but in these days fame does not neccessarily equal shallowness or hollowness.

[ForrestGump]

28. True

Jst because I don't think she's worth the adulation heaped on her doesn't mean that others don't - besides, I haven't judged that on all the evidence, not having seen her films (though, I reiterate, there's a reason for that...I didn't see the Spice Girls' film, either).

And perhaps fame does not necessarily imply wither shallowness or hollowness - even in J-Lo's case, and it certainly does not in others' - but that VH1 program is at or above 100% the RDA of both ingredients. Again, it's more the worshipping of her spending that offended me, not that she is (allegedly) a talentless bimbo (or, at least, not equal to the measure of her fame).

[RandomKoolzip]

2. Forrest, listen to me: there is a solution to this....

TURN OFF YOUR TELEVISION! Stop watching TV altogether. You can get the news via the internet, so there's one thing TV used to be useful for taken care of. Seriously, TV will damage you. I haven't watched any TV (except for old reruns of MST 3K on tape) since april of last year and I'm a happy guy.

TV is a right wing, materialistic indoctrination device controlled by two or three gigantic multinational corporations. Do you need that in your life?

[ForrestGump]

10. Good solution

I actually had absolutely zero TV for about 18 months recently, during which I only used that black box for watching VHS tapes and DVDs. I very rarely watch any television- I probably average 30 minutes per week of actual TV (as opposed to movie playback) - but it looks like I really picked a bad time to tune in for this week's 30 minutes.

You're right, though. I don't get news from the TV, except for occasional BBC forays, and all it's really good for is for watching movies. Maybe the occasional sitcom or whatever, but that's what TV guides and VCRs are for, and I don't even watch any shows regularly these days. What I do see only makes me wonder if perhaps the decline of the US Empire is more precipitous than I'd thought.

The ads alone just freak me out - so strident and intrustive, and most so inane and focused on such grossly materialistic or apathy/lethargy-facilitating products and services that they make me retch. Any DUers out there who basically never or rarely watch TV will know what I mean - catch a three-minute block of ads after having been free of them for a while and it's like being repetitively hit over the head by something large and heavy.

[GOPisEvil]

3. Heh heh...just when you thought it was safe to watch VH1...

I play in a trivia contest every week. Groups of friends team up and answer questions. Each team is named. One team that plays sporadically is called "J-Lo's Nipple Tweakers". :D

By the way, my team is "Craptacular". :-)

[ForrestGump]

12. I'd join that team!

I may hate everything that her celebrity stands for - namely empty, media-driven narcissism and materialism (hey, I'm all for materialism, but keep it within bounds, dudes) - but I'd happily join her employ as a tweaker. Heck, she wouldn't even have to pay me.

Have a Craptacular day, Mr isEvil. :D

[GOPisEvil]

15. Heck - I'd like to join that team.

It's made up almost exclusively of 20-something attractive women. Whew! :D

I could be persuaded to be employed as a nipple-tweaker for Ms. Lopez. That would be good for a few laughs for a day or so...

My day is already craptacular and getting moreso...:bigfuckingsigh:

[ForrestGump]

30. Okay, dude...you defect and I'll move to Austin

Always did like Austin. And Tejanas! Boy howdy!!

Our days seem to run on parallel paths of craptacularity, so why not our professional destinies? Where would one apply to be a J-Lo Nipple Tweaker? Do you think there's a union?

[GOPisEvil]

32. A union? In Texas? This is a right-to-fire state.

Here's my craptacular day in summary: I have a broadcast to send out to, oh, 500 or so of the agency's 15,000 employees. The sheer numbers of hoops to be jumped through and other bullshit to be dealt with is staggering! I'm glad DU is here on days like this. Ensures a smile on my face.

Now, I think you should re-locate to Austin - we'd have a fantastic time. Of course, we'd have to have J.Lo. change HER base of operations to Austin, but that should be no trouble. After all, she filmed Selena in Texas, she has to like it here. :silly:

[ForrestGump]

34. Keep that smile right there, Mr isEvil!

Yeah, that one, too.

Whatever you do, don't move that one, especially not at work.

Good luck, dude...call on the power of the DU!

Yes, Austin would be just fabulous (to use a Texas term, as often employed by that Son of A Bitch Texas who is our great nation's President), though I vote that we skip J-Lo and go right for the top: Salma....



Viva Tejas!

[GOPisEvil]

35. Ay, yi, yi!

*mumbles incoherently*

That's, uh, I'm sorry, what was the question again?

I still can't believe that Salma is older than I am - not that either of us are old, I just never would have guessed...

[ForrestGump]

39. Older women, dude

:D

Well, younger ones, too, for that matter...and ones the same age, of course.

Yes, she is looking muy bonita, n'est ce pas?

Another shamelessly gratuitous Salma shot, to help us through our working day (and as an antidote of sorts to celebrity merely for the sake of celebrity)...

[GOPisEvil]

42. *whimper*

I'm glad my computer monitor has an anti-radiation filter. I have a feeling I'm going to be staring at my monitor quite a bit this afternoon. :D

[ForrestGump]

46. Brace yourself

:o

Why does this feel disturbingly like some kind of weird foreplay? Has ronnykmarshall deployed the fiendish Hypno-Judy device without me noticing?...



Ahhhh...yes. Was it good for you? it was good for me.

:D

[GOPisEvil]

47. Oh my (insert appropriate diety here)!!!!!!!

:wow:

[ForrestGump]

48. Dude, we've totally hijacked my thread!

:D

[GOPisEvil]

50. You say that as if it is a bad thing!

Besides, making the author of a thread participate in the hijacking of that thread is the last test in the Hijacker's Exam.

My goodness, she is one beautiful woman. Whew!

[ForrestGump]

52. You got an A+ on that exam....

Yes, she is rather attractive, isn't she?

So let's have one more.....

[GOPisEvil]

56. My, oh my!

There's something about black and white photography, isn't there? :-)

[ForrestGump]

59. Yes, especially for some subjects

And Ansel Adams never met a landscape as stunning as that...

[Feanorcurufinwe]

4. Maybe you should consider

getting rid of your TV altogether. I bet you won't miss it.

[ForrestGump]

13. But I would

All those movies I wouldn't be able to watch. :-(

Only thing that keeps me (relatively) sane sometimes.

Besides, who'd want to have their story splashed all over the pages of some hard-hitting investigative rag like The Onion?

[ScreamingMeemie]

5. It's just icky icky icky. And the amount of time that that station will

allow for this kind of silly stuff. We can be curmudgeons together, because it's just stupid.

[ForrestGump]

14. Maybe I'll change my name to BrotherGrumpy,

'cos that's how I feel.

Bah, humbug.

:loveya:

[ScreamingMeemie]

44. Or Gump the Grump...hey those both have a nice ring to them.

;)

[ForrestGump]

49. As long as I get to say "Bah, humbug,"

I'll be happy. :-)

[kwolf68]

6. I agree with you

She is the perfect example of the shallow, placid, materialistic, worthless bimbo singer who doesn't do jack shit with her incredible wealth other than buy useless shit for her useless life.

Now that she has sped right on past 3 husbands I guess she'll go buy some diamond toilet paper and a new car made pure gold. Hell, the stupid bitch has like 50 fur coats...and she lives in ... YOU GUESSED IT...NOT Alaska.

I don't expect her to live in a goddamn box, but the way she flaunts her wealth is a perversion and a disgrace. I hate people like that...Not people with money, but people who use it to define themselves. Lopez is obviously someone who is a ditz without any real intellect so she hides her ineptitudes with the gross wasting of money.

Her charities are a joke. She puts her name on some things and then gives a couple bucks (in her terms) and people think she's worth a damn. I hate everything she stands for.

[psychopomp]

9. It is

a lot easier to be destructive than creative. JLo is an inspiration to a whole lot of people. How about you?

[RandomKoolzip]

16. An "Inspiration?" Are you kidding?! J. Lo?!!?

Who has she inspired? She once inspired me to get in the mood to have sex with my wife, but that's it. She's nothing. She's disposable pop product. In five years you'll be saying that about the latest pop bimbo who comes along. BREAK THE CYCLE. Stop wasting your time giving a shit about and defending people like that, and do something creative on your own.

[ForrestGump]

31. Her titular heads inspire me

Though I haven't yet done anything creative in response, or even procreative.

Yea, verily could I not fathom the message to which you responded. Good response.

[psychopomp]

38. You've inspired me

to quote, "We don't see things as they are, but as we are." You were inspired to have an encounter with your wife and some others may be inspired in other ways. I think that you are writing from your own perspective and that is fine. However, there are other perspectives out there.

I sense a lot of anger in your, and other, posts on this topic. Is it with me--a person who you think disagrees with you, a society that worships and idolizes vacuousness, a class thing or somethings else?

[ForrestGump]

19. Nice boobies, though

:D

Yes, though she can do what she wants with her money, not all of us are going to admire that as much as the producers of this show seem to. Worshipping the dollor is bad enough, but fawning over someone who throw 'em away - throws perfectly good money away - solely because she's throwing her money away...that is way worse.

Maybe she can't help being the "shallow, placid, materialistic, worthless bimbo singer" you so astutely characterize her as, but we can choose not to support her habit, even if only by not buying into the out-of-control celebrity hysteria around people like her.

And I have to admit that if the show were as shallowly focused on the materialism and spendthrift ways of some other star who'd actually paid their dues and done something significant - I don't know, like maybe Elton John or Tina Turner, or whoever - it'd be a bit less grating, but that all comes down to whether you consider J-Lo has earned her fame or not, whether you like her product or don't. And such a show would be no less offensive in its happy obssessing over how much money the celebrity spent to have a single photo taken or how big their entourage was.

[Alenne]

7. You're watching VH1

It is a channel about celebrities.

She is famous because people like her. She is just as good as most people who are famous.

[ForrestGump]

20. I've enjoyed the pop-culture shows I've seen

snippets of over the last little while, on VH1. Sure, they're shallow and crass, for the most part, but that's the nature of pop culture. Part of my family is immersed in pop culture, career-wise, including working toward its promulgation, so I don't even particularly mind that (well, yeah, it sucks big time, but it has its better aspects, too).

The J-Lo program just seems to be going too far, to a place where there's no substance. And from the VH1 Web site I see that "The Fabulous Life of..." is a franchise that includes episodes on the likes of Britney Spears and 'P-Diddy,' he of the changeable name - oh, such worthy subjects.

I definitely disagree that J-Lo is "as good as most people who are famous." Most famous entertainers got famous because they were really good. Not all, but most, though that relationship does seem to be changing ever more.

[Alenne]

25. Most became famous because

someone thought they were good. Someone thinks she is good and they pay her for it.


You are right. There is no substance. If substance is what you are looking for VH1 is not the place to find it. People like to watch shows about what their favorite celebrity is wearing, how they live and trivial stuff like that.

[ForrestGump]

33. And here's another insidious side-effect of such television

I have had Iron Butterfly's "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" going around and around in my head ever since I caught a clip of them doing it on that "100 Greatest One-Hit Wonders" show. Just the "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, baby" bit, over and over and over and over and...

It's a good thing that Ive only heard the whole 17 minutes of that song exactly once, or I'd really be in trouble.

[mbartko]

17. Where was I the day the memo came out

Requiring us all, by law, to give a shit about Ben and J.Lo?

[ForrestGump]

21. Same place as me, I guess

Not watching your TV. You subversive.

[RandomKoolzip]

22. That's funny!

I almost spat out my water when I read that!

[supernova]

18. I agree with you Forrest

She's famous primarily for being famous. Talented? I don't think so. J Lo is a manufactured star, the product of marketing gurus busily working the focus groups.

This in direction opposition to an actual star who got to be famous because of his or her hard work and talent:

Johnny Depp

Edit: I suppose she initially got a big sympathy boost b/c she played Selena, the Tejano singer who was murdered. Personally, she milked the 15 minutes of fame out of that one a long time ago.

D#

(pronouced "D sharp")

[ForrestGump]

24. Next time I do lunch with Johnny, I'll give him your number

Sorry - just wanted to spice up your day a bit. :D

I'll stoically accept the beating I just earned there.

These days, it seems, there are few 'celebrities' who are not manufactured from some blueprint. Sure, there's always been some of that, but it's an epidemic now, with graduates of some overhyped "Star Search" and various putrid 'reality' shows (I married a transvestite, yak-molesting, cannibal millionaire for the cash prizes...ask me anything) vying with cynically slapped-together boy- and girl-bands for public adoration courtesy of focus group-driven PR and management campaigns.

It sucks. J-Lo's just one symptom, and she's arguably done way more that's real and substantial than most of the others of her ilk. Not that that's saying much.

[supernova]

41. What?!? You do lunch with Johnny?!?!

*squeals like a 14 yo* :D

What I want to know is when can we do lunch?

[ForrestGump]

51. Nice squeal!

We can do lunch at...um...lunch time? One of these days, anyway! :D

[Uzybone]

23. You only scratch the surface

VH-1 also has the fabulous life of rap stars, Brad and Jen and the Hilton sisters. If you thought the promo for J-Lo was bad, you will puke at watching the Hilton sisters. Skinny skanks whose only claim to fame is being conceived in the right womb. MTV also has a new show called rich girls, where we see just how some mega rich girls (one of them is Tommy Hilfigers kid) live thier lives.

[ForrestGump]

26. "Rich Girls"?

Oh, yeah, like...oh, wow...like I care about how Tommy Hilfiger lives his life, let alone his children (who, presumably, have yet to set the world on fire with their own endeavours). Then again, I gave up on MTV just about...when was that?...oh, yeah...1983.

And I'm hapopy to say that I've never heard of the Hilton Sisters. If asked who they were, I assume that they were a female vocal group contemporary to the Andrews Sisters or the MacGuire Sisters. May I forever remain ignorant of the Hilton Sisters' ascension to the lofty peak of American pop culture.

[GOPisEvil]

27. The Hilton sisters...heirs to the hotel magnate...

And, most definitely NOT the sharpest tools in the shed (speaking for Paris only - I don't know squat about her sister).

[ForrestGump]

43. Oh, THEM!

I saw some piece in People or some similar dental-waiting-room magazine befoe my last dental appointment. They seemed to be famed for fame - inherited fame, even - and neither attractive physically nor, judging by their quotes and behavior (whatever magazine this was, they reported those details as positives but to me they were a major turn-off) in any other way.

One of them, in particular, I wouldn't go near unless I was wearing a biohazard suit. I have a feeling that more people have spent the night in her than in any of her family's hotels. Who knows what kind of pathogenic new life forms might be brewing within their various nooks and crannies.

The possibly out-of-favor term 'Eurotrash' leaps to mnd, though in this case they're Americas own.

[GOPisEvil]

45. Yeah, I think Paris is the one to whom you refer.

Just, um, no...no thanks...preemptively, just in case I am the last man on earth, still...no...

[ForrestGump]

53. Well, maybe ahead of Ann Coulter, but,

still, with lots of protection. I'm thinking kevlar here.

[catpower2000]

29. I only have one question for you...

WHO TOLD YOU MAID IN MANHATTAN WAS GOOD?????

[ForrestGump]

36. Um...well...

I'm afraid to tell you, now, because you're using the Skittles CAPS-LOCK device that indicates that you're fired up and willing to kick their asses.

:o

[catpower2000]

37. Honestly, at least J Lo makes (crappy) movies and (crappy) music...

have you seen the "Fabulous Life of the Hilton Sisters"? They don't do ANYTHING and they have more money than J Lo does! It's really weird.

Cat

[GOPisEvil]

40. Talk about your accidents of birth...

...Paris Hilton is a vapid twit, and that's being generous.

[ForrestGump]

55. So how many people have passed through the front doors of

the Paris Hilton? Must be a few by now.

[GOPisEvil]

58. A veritable revolving door, if the rumors are to be believed.

:eyes:

[ForrestGump]

60. Revolving, or revolting?

Or revulv.....uh...let's not go there...

[GOPisEvil]

63. Certainly revolting...possibly revolving.

As for the other option...best left unexplored.

[ForrestGump]

64. Unexplored?

Surely they must sell maps by now, considering all the little pith-helmeted explorers who've ventured into that wilderness...

[GOPisEvil]

65. I hope they had helmets!

Or some sort of protection! :o

Oh, and spelunker's lamps, too...

[ForrestGump]

69. SCUBA gear could come in handy, too

:o

Excuse me while I go :puke:

I was better off when I didn't realize who they were and thought that the Hilton sisters were like the Lennon Sisters, or even Twisted Sister.

[ForrestGump]

54. That's true

Now that I know who they are - now that I'm hep to what's going down on the streets these days, mack daddy-o that I am - I totally agree, yo. They're a manifestation of the highest level of mindless celebrity for celebrity's sake.

I'd take the Olsen Twins any day over those two - well, if they were 15-20 years older, that is. At least they've earned their way.

[catpower2000]

62. Heh...

I think the choice is clear...

The Hilton sisters:



versus the Olsen twins:



There's no comparison.

Cat

[ForrestGump]

67. That's true - no contest

And I never knew that Ann Coulter had a twin, or was a mamber of the Hilton family. You learn something every day on DU, I tell you.



Then there're the Barbi Twins...



Actually, each is a twin unto herself, really. But they have to stay out of the sun during the hottest part of the day or all that silicone starts to get all runny and it's just a real mess.

[HEyHEY]

57. And I heard she's not even from the Bronx...she'd from a nice....

Subrub in New Jersey..what I heard anyway.

What I can't stand is women in their 20s that think they ARE Jay-lo.

[ForrestGump]

61. Jenny from the Mall?

You mean, her PR people might have embellished her background a bit? :o

:D

Been having encounters with her spiritual kin, HEyHEY? I am truly sorry! Whatever you do, don't let them get hold of your wallet, dude...at least she earned (well, was paid) the money she lavishes on herself.

[HEyHEY]

66. Hey, haven't you heard her song "Jenny from the block?"

She self proclaimed herself "Down to earth"

That show you saw must be terribly mistaken.


But yeah, I know this girl...she's 25 and all she talks about is Jay-lo...notice I didn't say I was friends with her...she's a friend's sister. ALl her friends are the same way! Hey when I was seven the movie Labamba Came out and I wanted to be Ritchie Valens...but I was SEVEN for christ's sake. And Ritchie Valens is still way cooler anyway...sigh...I wish I had a P-R team.

"DOn't be fooled by the rocks I ain't got, I'm still HEyHEy I'm not Scott" oh yeaaahhh...has ring eh?

[ForrestGump]

68. Blingbling, HEy-Lo...

your halo's slipping. :-)

Yes, I do suspect that she is not especially grounded...one has to wonder, wot?

Maybe your sister's friend's got a crush on Ms Lo...I could at least understand that. Or being blown away by some talented star (the late Mr Valenzuela included) but...well...each to his or her own, I guess.

[mitchum]

70. Forrest, It's not the "yahoos" out in the hinterlands...

who are obsessed with pop culture celebrity. Sure, they may watch that "American Idol" or whatever, but watch is all they do. The dirty little secret is that the oh-so-hip, ironic lackeys of the media are really the ones who are obsessed with the shallow and the shiny. Because it is their job. They're just courtiers who can't even speak French. And they are the true slack-jawed.