How the hell did these people get into my head again

[Cheswick2.0]

Let me tell you first of all that I would not know my exhusbands new wife if I tripped over her on the street. From what I know of her from other people, (including my ex husband)she is a bitch. Her main failing, being utterly blind to the compulsive lying behavior of her husband (lets call him Dave, that's his name).

Last night I dreamt that I was in their expensive and tasteless house (in my dream it was tasteless, I don't know if that is true or not.)and my kids were there but I couldn't see them and Dave was there but I couldn't see him. All I could see was her and her kids and her bleached blond hair and I was being nice to her though it was killing me to be nice.

So I wake up and I can't get the images out of my head and I want to slit my throat. Why? Why did that stupid dream make me so unhappy?

God I am so tired of just surviving.

[La_Serpiente]

1. Are you concerned about your children?

[Cheswick2.0]

4. I am not sure

My older son I am always concerned about. He lives in Florida and was living with his father until recently. Even though he is 23, he still needs to be at home, he has gone through years of hell and is one impulse away from being back on the needle.

The situation with him and his step mother is very bad and he is caught in the middle between the two of them. He gets to listen to his father and her argue about him and how she doesn't want him there. Then his father begs him to stay and swears "S" doesn't really mean it, blah blah blah. Then when my son moves out his father tells him how he is never going to make it and he will be back on the street shooting up. He treats my oldest son just like he did me "I love you, you are useless, you can't make it without me, stop being a useless leach".

My younger son lives with me and is in college. My ex doesn't treat him like he does B and I. I don't really understand, that but I am glad for it, though I know his time will come to be at the receiving end of the soul numbing tirade. It is just a matter of time.

But this is all old news. I just don't know why they ended up in my head last night. It seems like the minute I feel I am getting somewhere and feeling like life is going to work out, these people end up in my dreams. If I don't think of them during the day I have to dream about them at night.

So yes I am worried about my older son and in all honesty, there is a part of me that will always miss the person I used to think I was married to. I know he never was that person and I know that he has always been a compulsive liar. I have had to face the fact that even the "I love you" was a lie. I can refuse to have a relationship with him, but my kids can't have another father. They love him which makes them vulnerable to him and his bullshit just like I was. I wish anyone else was their father.

[radwriter0555]

2. oh that SUCKS. But... and this is a but.... you are in control of the

thoughts in your head. I know dreams stick to you, but luckily, it will fade as the day gets on.

So when the evil bitch and DAVE pop into your head, RE-FRAME. Pre-designate a lovely, pleasant thought to replace the NEGATIVE thoughts with.

Antagonistic, Negative Thoughts. ANTs, they suck. Squash em. Replace the negative thoughts with NICE ones... a nice memory, imagine you're redesigning the kitchen, an art piece you'd like to create, something that makes you happy.... as an exercise it works to battle these demons.

Getting by SUCKS. But at least he's not in your life any more to really make it suck more. It'll be FINE.

[rasputin1952]

3. Sounds like a natural reaction to me...

except for the "throat slitting" option. All of us have lingering thoughts about those we've lost or tossed away. After all, we had to love them at one time or another, regardless of how it turned out.

Anomosity is a "normal"eaction. I'm not sure of the particulars, and it is none of my business, but your beat bet is to ensure the kids are OK, and then just find something new to do, it should get your mind off of the situation. (Been there a few times myself).

:hug: It, like all things, will pass.

edited: spelling, AGAIN!

[Cheswick2.0]

7. don't worry

I won't slit my throat. I would never do that to my children. I will get my head together and I will keep going as I always do.
I just can't believe what a strong reaction I am having to that dream. I haven't cried over anything but a movie for years and here I am crying over a stupid dream where I was nice to someone I don't even know.

I wish I could go back to sleep and change the result. I would leave the kitchen, find my kids and leave the house with them.

[rasputin1952]

9. Picked up alot in your reply to Post #1...

and I can understand why you under duress at this point.

"Control" is a common afflicyion with many people. Generally they feel inferior, and therefore feel that they have to "contol" whatever they can. It is a childish aspect to life, and sounds like he needs to get some help.

As for your older son, he needs to get away negative influnces, especially a father that refuse to give him the benefit of a doubt about his reconcilliation with the problem he had. If anything, he will run off to find solace in previous behavior, and no good will come from that. In fact, it will justify your ex's viewpoint that he cannot move forward without his help and aid. Not good.

In any case, DO NOT lose contact with your eldest, you may very well be the best thing that he has, and it will take great amounts of will power to change hni smindset.

One thing I know about DU'ers, we are a resiliant bunch, and will give whatever aid and comfort we can......you'll do fine, it takes time and effort, but you will prevail.

:hug:

[Cheswick2.0]

11. thanks Ras

You are a kind person.

My son has been so strong for months. He has been clean for months, it is the first time in 9 years. He is so wise about so many things and I adore him more than life. There was a time I did not feel that way about him, when I didn't understand I was trying to have a relationship with a substance rather than a person.

He is working and doing okay right now. He is working so hard at staying together and I would give anything to take the burden off of him onto my own back. But he is emotionally vulnerable and that worries me. He has always been a person with little if any skin to protect him.

[rasputin1952]

13. Thanks...

for the compliment.

I'm sure you will be there when he needs you. As for getting stronger, and growing a thicker skin...he will most likely shortly realize that that won't happen in his current situation. He will be looking for a change, and you will most likely be involved in that change. Just be who you are, and with perseverence, understanding and wisdom, (all of which you posess), the two of you can overcome anything that comes along.

Thoughts and prayers are with you during this time of challenge. It, like all things, will pass.

[thom1102]

10. You've got to not do that to YOURSELF.

You have to be important enough to yourself to not want to do that. Your kids are and should be important to you, but they can't be the reason you get out of bed in the morning. If that is the case, you should think about seeing somebody who can help you, either through counselling or through medication, because it sounds like you are suffering from clinical depression.

As for the dream, I am no psychologist, but it almost seems to me that the dream represents your fear of "S" replacing you as the mother of your children. I know how difficult it is to realize that someone incredibly important in your life has lied to you about who they are and how they feel about you, and how crappy that can make you feel, but at some point you have to find the strength to put that behind you and to focus on your needs right now. Your two sons (? both boys, right?) are adults now, and despite a kick in the pants to straighten them out now and them, they don't need to be taken care of the way they did when they were younger. Now is the time for you to spend some time taking care of Cheswick, and her needs. Once your needs are taken care of, then you will be better equipped to be there for your family. Good luck.

[Mikimouse]

5. Not trying to pry, but is this trauma recent?

If it is, then it will heal with time, not a short time, but it will heal. I am so sorry that it happened to you. I still had periodic dreams like that until 5 years ago (and the breakup happened in 1988).

[Cheswick2.0]

8. not really recent

we were divorced 10 years ago. On the other hand it is just the last few years that I have forced him out of my life. Until then we still spent hours on the phone or with him sitting in my living room talking about whatever. I have no idea why I allowed it. I suppose we thought we were remaining "friends" for the sake of the kids.

[Mikimouse]

12. Be proud of who you are, and what you have accomplished

Don't downplay survival, it is a definite accomplishment, and better than some can do. If the roles were reversed, would he have survived as well as you have? 10 years may seem like a very long time, but if it takes that long for you to appreciate yourself, then it is worth every second. I say this only because I was in the same boat until 1993. Then, I realized that I could survive and be proud of the wierdest stuff, like paying bills on time, cleaning my apt. and so on. I got very set in my ways and quite happy with the situation. In 1998, I met another non-traditional grad. student, and she is the love of my life. We can talk for hours, even now, something I could never do the first timea around. We were both single for better than 10 years; got married May, 2000. Never would have imagined it possible. Be proud, and defiant.

[Ilsa]

6. A dream to express your displeasure...

at having to "play nice" in front of the kids? That has to be a disgusting deal, to force yourself to be civil to someone who has played a role in taking apart your life.

Being happy is the best revenge.

Good luck.

[JNelson6563]

14. Dreams are our minds working out

what rolls around in the back of our heads.

I know how gripping they can be. I know so very, very well.

I only wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better.

Hope you feel better and things improve--
Julie

[Cheswick2.0]

15. thanks Julie

it is amazing the amount of shit I have had to eat over the last few years so that my sons could continue to have a relationship with their dad that was not poisoned by me. It has been a real gargantuan effort considering I am not normally a "nice" person. x(

I still have no idea what this mornings dream was about.