A Question about Men and Love

[ursacorwin]

well, i'm confused.

i've made a friend from another board, one that i like and enjoy writing/speaking to, because it's nice to share the personal take on politics one-on-one for a change. i'm a lesbian woman (duh) and am totally out; I always self-identify when meeting new people.

so after exchanging a few long and serious letters about politics, and really nothing else, this friend tells me in a very personal letter that he's in love. i noticed that he kept saying "that's so great" or "i really like your idea" a bit much over the course of some of our letters, but i took it for enthusiasm about what i was saying, not my person. it's clear to me now, after reviewing them, that he was looking for ways to express a stronger sentiment that i had imagined.

now, i like this person and don't want to have to stop talking to him, i value his perspective and as he lives far away from me, his insights into what people are saying is valuable to me. i'm not looking for a relationship with a man, and i've said so to him more than a few times. but he can't seem to help telling me of his feelings, even when i don't return them.

he's your typical science person, educated and fairly successful, runs his own shop and has been divorced. no kids, i've not done a background check (is that the standard now for internet friends?) but basically sounds like a normal (if liberal in the south) person.

comments? esp from the men on the board.

[burrowowl]

1. I have

found that many men don't think being a lesbian is serious and think that she hasn't met the right man yet. If this annoys you, you may have to look for insights and perspectives elsewhere.

[Rowdyboy]

2. If he is the quality of man you think he is...

give him time. His pride is hurt. Just gently remind him whenever necessary that you really appreciate his insight and perspective-but nothing more.

If he is as sensitive as you think he is, he'll get the point and begin reacting accordingly. As a sex, we are thick-headed and stubborn, but we do have the capacity to learn.

But, then, I'm gay so what do I know. Nevermind.

[ursacorwin]

3. yah

i usually avoid straight folks all together socially, so i'm a bit out of practice when it comes to reading the signals and whatnot. and i'm a generally really serious person about politics, so i don't think about 'other stuff' when i'm babbling. which is why i'm surprised to see this.

[TahitiNut]

4. So, what's the question?

Perhaps the first to ask is "Is it 'love' or 'want'?" Love is mostly about the lover, not the loved. It's a perspective and feeling that speaks to the values and spirit of the one fortunate enough to have the love. It demands nothing. It is its own - a healthy and wholesome outlook. Love is unconditional. It just is. We should all be so lucky to love others - many others.

If its 'want' then its still about the wanter. :shrug:

[ursacorwin]

5. well, i didn't want to color people's answers but

i was basically asking if this was typical or freakish.

[Kenneth ken]

7. oh

so to answer this more specific question; it seems kind of freakish to me. I can understand that he might love you, that would be normal; but if he is aware you are lesbian (see my #6) is would be freakish for him to express/pursue a loving relationship.

[Kenneth ken]

6. silly questions

you have reviewed the letters he wrote you, so I am assuming either hard copy, or saved soft copy.
1.Do you have copies of what you wrote to him?
2. he wrote he is in love. did he write he is in love with you?

If you have copies of what you wrote to him, review those, and make certain you did mention you are lesbian. Then you can write to him telling him you're flattered, but as previously mentioned in your letter dated mm/dd/yy you are lesbian, so clearly there is no potential for any sort of physical relationship between the two of you.

Your goal is to very clearly and firmly dissuade him from thinking of your relationship as having any physical potential, while very clearly and firmly persuading/reminding him you value him, his perspectives, etc. and want to continue that relationship.

You want to assure him it isn't his fault there can be no physical relationship (nor is it your fault - a person is born gay or straight, I know you know that, just want to be clear I know it to, so I don't offend here), that's just how life goes sometimes.

[ursacorwin]

9. thank you for the lecture

i assure you, i've read his words very carefully and have in fact taken the steps you suggest. i'm just wondering about the use of the word 'love' to strangers over the internet, specifically by a straight man.

[Kenneth ken]

11. erm

I apparently didn't absorb this bit on the first reading:
"...and i've said so to him more than a few times. but he can't seem to help telling me of his feelings, even when i don't return them."

my bad, sorry.

[TreasonousBastard]

8. Keep the conversations on track.

Our sexual feelings (human-- not just male or female) are complex, and there might be some psychobabble out there on this, but the interplay between the sexes as pixels rather than physical presences is interesting.

Physical attractions are well known, from form to pheremones, but when we take away the physical and go straight to the mind, as we do in email and message boards, things are not that different. There are attitudes that come through the words that can be quite attractive.

I've found myself curiously attracted to some women I've "met" through these communications, and it was simply a reaction to ideas, honestly, intelligence, and whatever else they communicated. Not particularly sexual, but, aside from the physical, they met some ideal that I would want in a RL partner.

I don't doubt that many women have felt this way about men they have "met." Nor do I doubt that anyone with other sexual preferences is immune to this.

You're obviously not interested, and I really can't tell if he is or isn't, so the best way to handle it would probably be to keep the conversations on track and not give him any hints or encouragement. His feelings and intentions could have been misinterpreted, or he could be ranging from someone who may have thought you dropped a hint about playing both sides to a being a pathological stalker. Stalkers aren't really all that common, so I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, and just make sure he doesn't get any wrong signals.

Friendship between men and women is often a fragile thing, and can be destroyed over the silliest misconceptions.

[Booberdawg]

10. He does know that you are a lesbian doesn't he?

female asking ..

[burrowowl]

12. Stop

communications for a bit. If he trys the physical love bit, drop him.
If he states and remains Platonic OK.
From one Lesbian to another, are you really so desparate for intelligent conversation? Then stick with DU.

[leftist_rebel1569]

13. coming from a kid that's been there...

I've fallen in love with someone online before. It's a strange experience, I must say. It's quite awkward knowing that you're in love with someone who's hundreds if not thousands of miles away. In the end, it probably wouldn't work out because of the distance.

From reading it a couple times, i'll try to sum it up...you met a man online, and you are a lesbian female. You guys are good friends, talking about politics mostly. Then, he tells you he's in love with you. You tell him you're not interested, but he's told you a few times that he likes you.

Now, I have to ask you a couple questions :
1) Does he know you're a lesbian? From the sounds of things, it seems like he doesn't. Sorry if i'm wrong about that, but it would help if he knew. It's not your fault, like a poster above had mentioned.

2) How long has this been going on? If it's only been over the course of a few weeks, give him some slack. It took me some time to get over the girl I had a crush on. Some people heal at different rates, too...

Basically, give it some time and tell him he's a great person, but a relationship is impossible because you're not interested in men in general. Good luck! :hi:

- Derek, kid getting over internet crush