He's a gentleman, he treats me well but I wish he'd leave me alone...

[devilgrrl]

Howdy folks, I'm having a bout of relationship phobia, mostly because I've rarely been in one and am scared shitless. Not only that, I'm rather egocentric, selfish and prefer spending most of my time alone, I've always been a loner.

This guy is nice, so it's not him. Though, I am a little tired of hearing about his ex-wife and his anxiety about not being able to connect with his 11 year old son. Tell me how someone as isolated and emotionally disconnected like myself is going to be able to deal with all this? It's very frightening. Relationships freak me out and seem to be more trouble than they are worth.

[wtmusic]

1. He just wants to talk about himself

That's the problem. If he can't tell you're tired of hearing it it's time to find a different devilguy...

LOL I just caught your sig. Scared the shit out of me!

[AquariDem]

2. I've always had a hard time being social

and I've basically never been with anyone, so I think I understand what you mean. I guess you could do what I'm doing, which is try to connect more with people in general. It's not that easy. Good luck!

[Spider Jerusalem]

3. I can relate...

I, too, am an egocentric, selfish loner...and this seems to be the rock upon which most of my relationships have foundered. For me, it seems that my basic and essential self was the problem, most of the time...most of my partners, it seems, either wanted me to be someone I wasn't, or expected things from me I wasn't equipped to give them. I know it's a rather frustrating feeling, and I wish I knew what to tell you...I've found that the best you can do is to sincerely explain your need for a fixed amount of time alone to decompress and get away from the demands the world and the people in it make on your time and sanity...explain that it would be the same with anyone, and that it's nothing to do with him...and if he genuinely cares he'll try to understand (even though he won't really understand, since extroverts have completely different neurological wiring).

Hope that helps some...it's the best I can do, I'm afraid...

[La_Serpiente]

4. Hmmm...I am not a psychiatrist

You should get out more. You say that you are egocentric and selfish. At least you recognize it. Now you have to be cognizant of when you ARE selfish and egocentric. You have to clean your own house before you clean anyone elses.

Get out and enjoy life. Live in the city? go to the bookstore and read or listen to music. get a pet. They can teach you companionship.

Can you deal with it? No you can't. He probably is a really nice guy. However, he must be really sensitive.

Now here is where I don't know if I can help you. I wouldn't know if helping him would hurt him or hurting him would help him. Can someone add on to this?

[devilgrrl]

6. Yes, I live in an urban area, I constantly read and have two cats...

I do get out... I just like having my space and not have to worry about what others think. :shrug:

[instantkarma]

5. be honest with him.

tell him to his face everything you posted above. It's that simple. Telling someone the truth is often scary as hell in the beginning, and it gets easier the more you do it.

[psychopomp]

7. One possibility

You could do what I recommend all selfish, egocentric people to do: go through as many trophy b/g friends, ones who best reflect your need to impress yourself, as you need until you fall in love with one of them. Either you will fall in love, thus peeling away all of the sham gloss that attracted you to the person in the first place, or you will date enough people to realize that everybody, like you, is flawed. Either way you should be able to find a better understanding of yourself and, if you are lucky, some degree of happiness.

[GalleryGod]

8. Sweetie,You're not.

Take it from an "Alan Alda-Type" who inherited 4 STEP kids when I married my former college sweetheart. Can't work; UNcouple with the most amount of dignity for you both. Sorry.:pals:

As the Rove Patrol would say, Move on! with head held high.

[izzie]

9. Some people do not understand the space you need for your self.

I was a bad wife as I always kept my space and I was always my self. My husband said I must give 100% of my self to him and his thoughts. I thought he was nuts. I understand your problem and like living alone and feel very at ease with it. Do not answer your phone etc. This man does not understand you but does need someone.You also can not salve other peoples problems. They have to do it.

[Friar]

10. what are you dealing with?

Are you sleeping with him and you don't want to anymore?
If he's boring you, shake hands and say "Let's just be friends."

[BiggJawn]

11. Tell him you're Gay. That'll make him leave....

And it won't bruise his ego as much.

[radwriter0555]

12. It doesn't sound like you're genuinely attracted to him, even though he's

nice.

You can't force feelings you don't have... so maybe use this guy for practice, so to speak.

You don't have to fall in love with him, but maybe use this experience to open yourself up to unfamiliar emotions and experiences. You can use this experience to learn how to be assertive, to ask for YOUR needs to be acknowledged... to explore how you react to specific scenarios.

But be nice, be kind. And don't get too close to the whole kid thing, since, if you take my advice, this isn't a long term thing.

It does take practice for certain people to learn how to BE in a relationship... it doesn't even make you that unusual, especially if you take the steps to resolve some issues.

[no_hypocrisy]

13. There's nothing wrong with your attitude of being a loner. It's more like

being a strong individual. You have your preferences, and yes, you don't compromise on a regular basis. But you are interested in other people, so you are not anti-social.

Embrace your uniqueness and individuality. If you can get this book, I recommend it: The Loner's Manifesto by Anneli Rufus.

http://www.philosophistry.com/archives/2003/08/000635.html