Strange Behavior By My Best Friend's Boyfriend

[Placebo]

I see him everyday even if all of my friends don't go out somewhere, because all of us have the same classes together...

Anyway, he's known I was gay since...hell, I don't even know, before we started college this year, that's for sure. He's a year older than the rest of us. My friend told him about me while we were still in high school because she didn't want him getting "jealous" over the fact that she was hanging out with me so much.

Fast-forward to today and he's been acting very...strangely. I remember the first time I ever met him, we went to a concert, and later that night once they dropped me off at my house, he told me "Bye sweetie", but he said it when everyone else was in the car so no one else heard. I let that slide and gave it little thought until a couple weeks ago when something new happened.

One day, he IMed me online just to say "Hey sexy." I thought it was a joke and went "LOL" and he said, "What??? How dare you!" and that was that. Then Thursday, he IMed me again and this time it was "Hey cutie." I sent back, "Umm...hey," and he just asked me what I was doing and then went offline.

The final weird thing he's started doing is leaning in really close to whisper things to me. The latest was yesterday when we were laughing about how my friend almost stepped on the professor's hand (don't ask), and I was like "Oh that would have been quite a shame," and he leaned in really close to whisper, "I would have loved to see it anyway."

I guess all of this could be nothing, but nevertheless, I find it extremely strange. I don't know if he's joking or...what. He isn't laughing or smiling when he says or does these things. I'm at a loss.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

1. Uh oh...

I think I know what's going on...;-)

[Rowdyboy]

2. I really think that he's trying to give you a signal, hoping you'll lead

because he's scared to openly tell you what he means/wants. Many "straight" guys are curious and are afraid to go beyond hinting, leaving it our responsibility to let them know if its okay. You should do what you're comfortable with. Maybe he's a coward, but he's very likely trying to send a message.

God only knows, my biggest regret is not being bolder when I was young. My best friend sent me MANY such messages and I passed on most of them until very late in our relationship.

Best of luck and hope you wind up with no regrets.

[Placebo]

3. Maaaaybe...

Not like I could do anything anyway since he's my best friend's boyfriend...

He's a really cool guy, I don't know why he's starting acting this way. *sigh*

[Rowdyboy]

23. Be VERY careful

I once had a drunken one-night stand with my best friend's husband when she was very pregnant (he was horny and just wanted to experiment and he trusted me). She found out. It cost me 3 miserable months but she eventually forgave me and we're still casual friends 20 years later.

Under the circumstances, be very careful. "Straight" guys can be WAY more expensive than they're worth.

[Placebo]

24. Ouch...

that's a nasty situation! And while she was pregnant...oy.

Yeah, I seriously doubt I'd do anything with him anyway, I value my friend more than I would value some...pleasures of the flesh with her boyfriend.

[Rowdyboy]

32. Very nasty-and all my fault....I KNEW better but I was in a very bad place

I had lived in a very rural town with virtually no sexual outlets for 12 years. I was 30ish and really lonely and I truly loved both of them (their oldest child is my god-daughter).

Doing things you regret is a very unfortunate, but real, part of life. Doesn't mean you're bad-just that you made a mistake.

I have also learned that almost anything can be forgiven, if both people really care about each other and can admit their weaknesses.

[Nikia]

4. Just be careful

You don't want to hurt your friend. Gay or straight, it just isn't nice to have a fling with your best friend's SO, unless of course your friend would be alright with that.

[SarahB]

33. Good answer.

Tread carefully, be honest, and remember to think with the right head. Sounds to me as though her boyfriend has some definite curiosity. Again, all is fine as long as people are honest with each other. Lies destroy relationships more than anything else IMHO.

[margaritamama]

5. Trust your...

instincts. You know what's going on here and the girls is your best friends. What to do next?

[Placebo]

6. Well I sure can't tell my friend about it...

I guess I should just shut up and not say or do anything lol

[margaritamama]

12. Why do nothing?

It's better to know the truth than to live a lie. Your dedication is to your best friend. Only say something though if your sure. Wouldn't you want to know the truth?

:dilemma:

[Placebo]

13. I'd hate to have her pissed at me.

I have no clue what he would tell her in response!

[margaritamama]

16. You are her best friend

She will know that! I would be more pissed off if I you didn't tell me. You've known her alot longer than he has...right?

LOL

[Placebo]

17. Yup!

I've known her for 4 years, she's know him for 2.

[margaritamama]

19. Whatever happens

I hope it works out for you. Go with your gut and things will be ok.

[iconoclastic cat]

7. So he's bi and not very committed to his gf. Double trouble.

I can speak from personal experience on this one, being both bi and having been the boyfriend of several serial cheaters. Watch out.

[Placebo]

8. But he seems like such a nice guy!

I wouldn't take him as the cheating type at all, he is a pretty quiet understated kind of guy, which is another reason why this behavior is so glaring and peculiar.

[iconoclastic cat]

11. It's called charm. Not all seduction is grabbing and licking.

[Placebo]

14. True...

although those are both nice. ;)

GAH, I hate shady situations like this.

[iconoclastic cat]

21. Seriously, if you want him to cut it out, you'll have to tell him to stop.

As one who used to use that same tactic (albeit never when I was already in a relationship), I can tell you that he'll worm his way in if you let him. Next thing you know, you will be your best friend's boyfriend's down-low.

[madmom]

9. maybe he is jealous of your relationship..

with his girlfriend and is trying to see if you're "really gay".

[bertha katzenengel]

10. one wonders if he is questioning his sexuality, and because he knows you'r

you're gay, maybe he feels it's safe to test certain waters with you. :shrug:

[Placebo]

15. Possibly.

He doesn't know any other gay people.

[bertha katzenengel]

18. do you think it would be safe to ask?

I mean, if you're terribly uncomfortable, and/or worried for your best friend... ?

[Placebo]

20. Oy, my heart would be beating a mile a minute...

I can't imagine what he'd say.

[bertha katzenengel]

22. I know, and it's just a suggestion. What do I know?

Sorry if I made you nervous. In your shoes, I don't know what I'd do. :hug: Best wishes, though, Placebo.

[jobycom]

29. Probably, but if one of you isn't direct, it will drag on forever

and will eventually come back to haunt you.

I'd say this: Be sure what you want, then find out what he wants. Be sure of yourself, first, though. Don't go into a discussion where he can change your mind to something you'll regret.

You don't have to be too bold, next time he IM's you, drop a "That's odd talk for a straight guy" comment, and see what he does. Things can get said over IMs that are a little easier than in person. See which way he's going, then be frank with him. Either, "Tell my friend first or nothing can happen," or "Nothing can happen," or whatever. Of course, if something does happen and she doesn't know, it's just a countdown until the friendship is over. (On the other hand, since you'd be crossing that gay/straight divide, things are a little less absolute. Some women are less upset losing a boyfriend to another man, figuring it's something they could not have helped. Other women are more upset, figuring they were so "awful" they turned their boyfriend gay.)

Just more advice. You're on your own!

On edit: also, consider it may not be about you. He may have these feelings in general, and you're the only gay friend he has, so he's trying to see what it feels like to flirt. Maybe guidance is all he's after. It could even be why he's stayed with your friend--because it kept him close to you, so he could question you. Just another possibility.

[arcos]

25. No doubt in my mind he's closeted...

The gaydar DOES work, and it seems yours is detecting it... it is the typical modus operandi of lots of closeted gay guys. Not sure what you should do though... tell your friend maybe? Probably she won't believe it at first, but maybe it's the best way to go.

[Placebo]

30. Hmm...

possibly. Who can say? I just wish he had never started saying and doing this things, he's such a nice guy otherwise!

[arcos]

36. I know, it sucks...

He's really making YOU the one who has to deal with his personal problem... if he can't accept to himself and his girlfriend that he is gay he has to deal with it himself. Good luck! :hug:

[R. A. Fuqua]

26. I guess suggesting a threesome is out of the

question?

Just kidding.

It is hard to give good advice when you don't know all the nuances of a situation, but if it was ME--

I would sit down with him over a cup of coffee--and try to talk it out--I guess I would ask him --something like--have you been flirting with me? Because I could be misreading this--and I want you to know that since you are involved with one of my close friends there is no chance of anything happening between us. Blah blah blah.

I would leave him an out by saying that you could have misinterpreted things--and that if he DID flirt with you that you are flattered--but that you can't take him up on it because of the situtation. If he is confused about his sexuality--you should urge HIM to talk that out with his GF.

[Placebo]

27. Heh...

I would consider it if the opportunity were presented to me. :P

But seriously, I have no clue what I'm going to do. I hate being put into this awkward situation.

[LibraLiz1973]

31. I might go the 3some route.

Maybe he's curious and maybe she wouldn't mind. Just saying.

I say MIGHT because I'm not sure I could really carry through on that

[LibraLiz1973]

28. I bet he has some gay feelings

and finds you safe. I don't think it's about cheating so much as exploration. Obviously he finds you attractive & has probably always wanted to know...

I wouldn't blurt that out to my best friend- it would probably hurt her feelings. Especially if it isn't at all true. And if it is... well, theres nothing wrong with being curious & flirting. Now if he shoves his hand in your lap.......... that could be weird.

[Ivan Sputnik]

34. Could he just be teasing you?

Some people like to flirt, even with people they would never consider actually having sex with. In such cases, it's a power thing, I think.

[RagingInMiami]

35. He's coming on to you

The only time a straight man will joke with a gay man like that is if it's in front of other people. For example, his girlfriend.

[RoyGBiv]

37. Another take ...

Up front, let me just say plainly that I have no idea, not really. It's difficult to judge body language through a one-sided description. Obviously you think something's up, and your being the one experiencing what's going on makes you the best judge.

Pardon the length of this.

My take is simply that sometimes signals get crossed.

I am a straight male. A gay friend once introduced me at a party as a flaming heterosexual, and I suppose that description fits pretty well. Put plainly, I have absolutely no physical attraction to men at all.

Regardless, for reasons that would be too complicated to explain completely, but which I do understand, I am far more comfortable around gay men than I am straight men. In fact, I don't have a lot of straight male friends and don't generally enjoy their company. I'm not really what I would call effeminate, but I do exhibit some of those characteristics with the words I habitually choose and with certain mannerisms I display. I was raised by women who were strong but not domineering and who didn't feel it necessary to force me to be socialized with a certain set of acceptable "male behaviors." That is, at home, I was socialized more as a girl would have been. While other neighborhood boys were learning the intricacies of playground football, playing other violent games, etc. I was learning how to cook, sew, and "play house" with a female cousin. This, and the behaviors produced, has led to strange situations with people who don't know me well and also a couple times with people I know very well.

My best friend, for instance, is a gay man. We've been friends since we were 15, and we're on the downhill leg of 30 now. I think nothing of calling him "darling" or "dear" and other various friendly names. It's sort of a joke between us because we've both recognized for some time that if biology had cooperated, we'd be madly in love with each other. I've been married and had another long-term relationship that ended in disaster. He's had similar experiences. But we're the only constants in each other's lives. I do love him, am even comfortable enough with our relationship to say I am "in love" with him in a certain way, but it's not the same kind of attraction to or feeling I have toward women, so it is not the same kind of relationship. (This, more than anything, is how I know homosexuality is not a choice. If I could choose, I'd choose to be different than I am.) Obviously this is harder on him than it is me, and it is perhaps something of a blessing that we live so far away from each other.

I'm getting off the subject.

My relationship with this friend along with my socialization gets me in trouble because if I'm not actively thinking about it and trying to play the role society tries to insist I play, I'll treat other gay men similar to how I treat him. It's liberating for me personally not to feel pressure to fit a role I do not like. I work with a gay man who is constantly taken aback that it doesn't bother me when he slips and accidentally calls me "sweetie" or some such thing. He'll do it an immediately begin apologizing profusely, and there are times I have to stop and figure out just what he's talking about. Since I don't instantly come across as a "typical" straight man in his eyes, he forgets that I am. Similarly, my comfort level with him is such that I forget I'm giving out improper signals with some of my behavior.

I've talked with him about this, so it's not a problem, but it creates odd situations at times.

Of course this probably doesn't directly apply to your friend, and I don't intend it that way. My point is simply that he may be very comfortable with you and chooses to play a role around you that is not typically associated with being straight.

Or I could be completely wrong. :-)

As others have said, tread carefully whatever the case. If you can find a way to talk about gender roles and such in a way that doesn't openly signal you're trying to figure out something about him, it might give you more clues. Talk about life and see what he says about his.

[JohnKleeb]

38. Wow thats weird

MAybe he's bi and doesn't know it or something like that, so after he said "how dare you" he logged off, if he hadnt, I would have thought it would be false outrage. Anyhow good luck finding out whats up with that.

[Robeson]

39. Its easier finding someone to screw, than finding a true friend....

...which means, don't ruin your friendship. Anybody can go out and find somebody to sleep with at anytime. But how many people can go out and find someone who will be a true friend they can trust? Don't jeopardize your friendship with her - or him for that matter - because the dynamics of all your relationships with each other would change...

I'm paraphrasing Gore Vidal, but he said something to the effect, that one should never screw their friends, or spouses of their friends. Because in the end, chances are, you'll lose some good friends.

[TrogL]

40. Can you say "bi-curious"?

Treat him nice. Make sure he has as good a time as he's capable of having. If he panics and runs, no problem.

Sometimes you just need to find out. If I'd done it years ago I'd have saved two disastrous marriages.

[norml]

41. It's a trap. For myself I ignore mind games.

If a person can't spell it out for me, I don't want to have to worry about it.

[Tsiyu]

42. Nothing really overt to go on

He could be just testing to see if you are really gay or his correspondence may just be his way of trying to get to know you.

It's easy to jump to conclusions, and my first thoughts when reading were, "Oh, dude is fixin' ta' come on to Placebo big time!" but then it could be that he doesn't know many gay folks and isn't sure how to talk to "one."

Wait and see where he goes with this. If he starts touching you more or escalates his "warmth" towards you, take that as a sign he is interested in a carnal way. I might have to tell my best buddy in that case. If he just stays with the subtle, non-commital hints, I'd personally leave it alone. A best friend is much more valuable than a fling.

[lakemonster11]

43. If you want to be optomistic...

It could be something totally innocent. In the best-case scenario, he might be trying to signal to you that he is supportive of your being gay by treating you (for lack of a better description) as he would a girl.

In college, I (a straight girl) used to flirt sometimes with my roomate's girlfriend. I'm sure she wouldn't have flirted that way with another lesbian while she was dating my friend, but since we all knew that there was no chance of an infidelity with me, it was all in good fun.

I've had male friends (with girlfriends) who regularly called me "cutie" or "baby" and were more physically affectionate with me than I consider normal, but were certainly not hitting on me (yes, I'm sure).

In fact, my boyfriend in college used to call my best friend "cutie" all the time (and yes, it was all very innocent).

Basically, I know all sorts of people that will flirt with anyone at the drop of a hat, so I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.

[xultar]

44. Hoping for a Tricycle for christmas are we? Bad boy! n/t