Depressing fucking day. I had to take McCall Jr to the ER last night...

[Maddy McCall]

he began having ear pain, and it got so bad that he was howling. He had a bad ear infection and swimmer's ear, but he's going to be fine...

But...

While we were at the ER, a call came in that the ambulance was headed in with a 37-year-old woman who had attempted OD. Our door was open to my son's examination room, which was right next to the nurses' station, so I heard the whole thing.

The nurses were so nonchalant about it. They even kinda made sarcastic jokes about it--it was midnight, and they said things like "There goes my lunch hour." I know that they have to numb themselves to the traumatic things they see, so I understand the way they handled it, I guess.

I saw the young woman being rolled in on the gurney after the ambulance arrived. She was completely out. The ambulance driver told the ER doc that they had found numerous empty pill bottles strewn around the room.

When the nurse came in to give me instructions for the care of my son, before the ER released him, I said, "Looks like y'all have a long night in front of you." He said, "We can only hold her until seven." (But, she was completely out, so how did he even know that she'd be ready to go at seven. I'd think that they'd keep her for observation and call in a psychologist. :shrug: )

I don't know if she made it through or not. McCall Jr. and I said a little prayer for her while we waited to be released.

One of my uncles committed suicide, and my brother has attempted it several times. I don't pass judgment on people who do it. I feel so miserable for people who are so desperate...I just want to hold them and tell them that they can get help and life can be worth living.

I wonder if she made it through the OD attempt. :cry:

[faithnotgreed]

1. youre so sweet.... hope jr is feeling better

and i too will add a prayer for the woman (and all those) who feel so desperate that they dont want to live...

[Maddy McCall]

2. Can't help but worry about her.

Thanks for your nice comment. I wish she knew that people care and are pulling for her. :cry:

[faithnotgreed]

6. oh definitely.... i was just struck by your sincere feelings of

wanting to reach out to her somehow... and sharing that with us

this is a very giving community but to hear a specific example reaches out to me. such love and compassion is very heartening to see - even in the midst of such sadness

thank you for sharing this and i really do hope your son is feeling much better

[Maddy McCall]

10. Hugs to you.

:hug:

[knowbody0]

3. that is so sad

my sister worked ER for 10 years. toward the end, she had become very hardened. one night she refused a woman who was complaining of stomach pain. the woman went home and die.
im hoping your prayers were heard last night.

[Maddy McCall]

4. How did she deal with the guilt?

That would be overwhelming. :cry:

[knowbody0]

11. not well

she is a miserable, bitter, judgemental, republican. the woman's family sued the hospital, and she was fired. this is really sad, - she is head nurse for a nursing home now days. i see very little of her.

[Maddy McCall]

14. I'm speechless.

I hate nursing homes, even though my Grandmother was in one for the last several years of her very long, productive life. Thank god that most of the staff there was wonderful.

:hug:

[knowbody0]

19. i think most nurses are good people

but nursing homes seem to get the left overs too often.
hope your kid gets over that ear stuff. so painful. i have a remedy that really eases the pain. (ive fostered about 50 kids)
pour salt into a frying pan till it is really warm. pour that into a sock, and lay it on the sore ear. it is an amazing solution for between home and the doctor.

[Maddy McCall]

20. Yes, we do that.

My mom's remedy! We use cornmeal and tie it up in a dishcloth.

[Maddy McCall]

21. And bless you for fostering so many children.

:hug:

[Swede]

5. Something similar happened to me once.

Mom had a dizzy spell so I took her to emergency. Her bed was seperated from the others by a curtain,a teen age boy had slashed his wrists. "Why do you keep doing this" I heard a woman ask him. He just mumbled and sobbed.

I hope JR and all is well with you.

[Maddy McCall]

8. That breaks my heart.

I feel so sorry for young people who have no hope. :cry:

Jr. is fine. We had to go to the pediatrician today to get an antibiotic shot and some medicine to numb his ear. He's playing around right now, waiting for "Meet the Fockers" to come on. :hi:

[Swede]

18. I could not imagine having a loved one being so hopeless.

Just hearing him sob made me so mad and helpless. I wonder what ever became of that lost soul?

[Wapsie B]

7. I hope your son is feeling better.

Ear infections can be hell on kids. They were with mine. I sympathize with your family and suicide. I have a daughter that's feeling that desperate right now. So I know how you feel.

[Maddy McCall]

9. I'm sending good thoughts your daughter's way.

:hug:

[Wapsie B]

13. Thanks.

She really needs it right now.

[faithnotgreed]

12. im so very sorry for what you are going through

and i truly mean that

if its ok i will send prayers for both of you and please know that we are here

[Maddy McCall]

15. We are fine.

And I appreciate your kind thoughts and prayers.

:hug:

[bigwillq]

16. Hope McCall, Jr. is feeling better!

:hug:

[Maddy McCall]

22. Yes, he's soaring right now.

On hydrocodone. :D

He had an antibiotic shot at the pediatrician today, so it should clear up quickly.

:D

[ScreamingMeemie]

17. Oh no! I am sorry to hear about McCallJr.

:( and sorry to hear about that poor woman too. :cry: My fahter in law committed suicide and MrG found him on Father's Day 2000. The pain never goes away...and I wish somehow we could have helped him more.

Hugs to your little one! Hope he's feeling better. :hug:

[Maddy McCall]

23. Thanks.

My uncle committed suicide on Thanksgiving day, when I was just a toddler, and my dad found him. It was a horrible thing, a horrible method of suicide, and, like your husband, my father has never recovered from it. Incredible sadness every Thanksgiving. :(

My little guy is going to be fine. The river trip yesterday aggrivated his ear--he hid the fact that it had been bothering him from me so that I'd take him on a floating trip. Bet he won't do that again. :)

:hug:

[Ladyhawk]

24. You're kind. That's for sure.

THIS 37-year-old woman attempted an OD about two years ago and the nurse treated me like shit.

When I asked her if she could help adjust my sheet--it was driving me crazy--she said, "I have more important patients than you...no one forced those pills down your throat."

So, I got up and tried to straighten the sheets myself.

The nurse caught me and said, "If you get up again, I'll call the police."

I was so pissed, I said, "Fine, you just do that."

Can you believe she actually called the police? Because I got out of bed to adjust a sheet? Soon there was a deputy sitting beside my bed. Every time she passed by, she had to remind me that "no one shoved those pills down your throat."

I was so distraught that I couldn't stop crying and by then it was mostly due to the way the nurse was treating me. She didn't do a single thing for me...until she decided I needed a shot because my crying was disturbing her and the other patients.

By then, two deputies were guarding me because I'd had the audacity to try to fix my own bedsheet. What a waste of police resources.

"What's in that syringe?" I asked.

"You don't have the right to know," she said. "You lost all your rights when you swallowed those pills." She actually had the deputies hold me down while she gave me the shot. I wasn't struggling, but for some reason, it required two deputies and a nurse to hold down someone who wasn't struggling...and I still don't know what was in the fucking syringe. The damn deputies weren't necessary.

Yes, I had just attempted suicide. I was already in pain and this nurse increased it tenfold, which I thought would be impossible, but somehow she managed. The lady deputy whispered in my ear that I could file a complaint, but at that point I was feeling powerless. "It wouldn't matter," I said. "People like her never get what they deserve."

I still toy with the idea of filing a complaint about this nurse, but that would mean tracking down who she was. And I still think it probably wouldn't matter. She was an older lady. No one would fire her even if she richly deserved it, which she does.

Damn...sorry for sharing this, but I can empathize with the woman you saw in the hospital. I hope she didn't have an evil nurse watching over her. :cry:

[Maddy McCall]

25. Awww, Ladyhawk.

That bitch nurse. I can't believe that some people go into the profession of nursing when they care so little for fellow humans.

I hope you don't consider suicide again. You are so damned intelligent, and you have made such progress in rejecting the toxicity in your life.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Ladyhawk]

26. Thanks, Maddy.

You are a very sweet, understanding, highly intelligent person...definitely one of my very favorite DUers. Compassion is such an important trait and in you, it's overflowing. I was so pleased to read that you cared about this woman, that you understood that the reason she did what she did was that she was blinded by pain. Some people--like the horrible nurse who "cared" for me--think suicide is an act of selfishness and an unforgivable sin.

I guess it is "selfish" in the same way that pain is selfish. If you are in excruciating pain it is very hard to think about others. If you whack your hand with a hammer, you usually don't feel much compassion for others during the next five minutes or so. :) Serious depression causes so much pain that it is overwhelming, debilitating. All you can think about is how to end the pain. If it goes on for years, it fuels itself and becomes more and more difficult to overcome.

I'm not sure what possessed me to post this as it is very personal information. I have shared the story a few times...I guess I feel the Internet is still somewhat anonymous. :shrug: I know that isn't really true, but if someone wanted to find out exactly who I am, they would have to do at least a little digging and for most people, the work isn't worth it. I do worry about people's reaction to the information, but I also have felt a need to educate people on the topics of depression and suicide, especially now when I am holding my own for the most part.

A wonderful DUer in the Mental Health forum has found something that is making a big difference for her. I've already started the inquiry process that will lead to my trying it. Like you, Maddy, this DUer is compassionate and extremely intelligent. She is also incredibly artistic and knowledgeable. We share the same love of learning, I think. Every time I've had a discussion with her, it ends up being pretty deep...and she seems to know top-of-the-line professionals in every field. I respect her greatly and know she wouldn't suggest I try something unless it worked for her and made logical sense to her.

If you are suffering from severe depression, here's the thread to check out: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=276x1649

I've found a neurologist who is conducting free trials. Now all I have to do is get my doctor to refer me to this neurologist. This can be a sticky situation sometimes. Doctors make money when you're sick and sometimes don't want you to get better. Usually, if I ask my doctor to do something, he'll do it.

I'm crossing my fingers, hoping this will work. Believe me, Maddy, I hope I don't consider suicide again, either, but I'm going to have to find something better than SSRIs and other drugs because they don't help me very much. Mostly, I just put my shoulder to the grindstone and "tough it out" as best I can. This is tiring and never lasts more than a couple of years before I find myself in trouble again.

I've had shock treatments, which are more properly known as Electro-Convulsive Therapy (ECT). Over the course of two weeks, I was put under general anesthesia every other day. Electrical currents were passed through my brain, inducing seizures. I was a veritable vegetable for about six weeks after the treatments and suffered from partial amnesia.

Amnesia is a very strange thing. You know that you should remember something, but you can't put your finger on it. There were holes in my memory. I couldn't remember how to operate the TV remote or how to log onto IRC, but I did remember how to send an e-mail. When I walked into the house, I commented on all the nice computers that were set up.

"You built those," my mother said.

I was truly shocked. "Really?" I said. "Gee, I must be smart."

By reading some information on my own website, I learned I had misplaced two motherboards with CPU and RAM and rampaged through the house until I found them. I read my own "sent" e-mails so I could remember more about myself. Every time I was exposed to old information that wasn't "clicking," my brain would struggle and suddenly the pathway to that memory would be reopened. The memories were still there. The problem was that my mind didn't remember the pathways to those stored memories. A reminder was all that was needed.

Some things are still fuzzy, mostly the events surrounding the ECT itself. Probably that's just as well. :)

I underwent ECT in 2000. Did it work? Yes. For a couple of years I felt better than I had in decades. But it wasn't the magic bullet and I fell back into a nasty cycle of depression. Would I do it again? At one time I was sure I would as a last resort, but the suicide attempt I mentioned wasn't a cry for help. I honestly thought it would kill me and was pissed off when it didn't.

If this "alpha-stim" device doesn't work, I want to pressure my doctors into trying "Vagus Nerve Stimulation." (Google it...hehe.) And if that doesn't work, I may be forced to undergo ECT again, with all the fear and memory loss that goes along with it. I may even have to opt for therapeutic ECT once a month. Gack! No one in their right mind would want that...but that's sort of the point, isn't it?

Yes, I have come a long way in being able to define what is toxic to me and remove it from my life. I have insight into the issues that may have triggered this horrible illness. I am trying to learn and recover. I am trying new things. I am not ready to give up yet.

May everyone suffering from this horrible illness find a cure. I can't imagine a worse hell. I've experienced enough physical pain in my life that I know for a fact emotional pain is much, much worse. Most physical pain comes to an end, so we are able to ride out the storm. Emotional pain can be endless. Chronic physical pain and Depression have that horrible quality in common: the sufferer doesn't know if or when the pain will end. Right now I have both types of pain: chronic physical and chronic emotional. The two feed off one another. Nasty shit, but I'm trying to find answers.

Well, it looks like I've blathered on a bit, but it was cathartic...for me at least. :P

Maddy McCall: thank you for caring about that poor 37-year-old woman. I hope she makes it and I hope she finds an end to pain that will allow her to live again. Bless you for your understanding and compassion.

[Lindsey]

27. Bless you for saying a prayer for that patient -

That is incredibly kind. What a wonderful example you are being for the little one. I'm glad to hear he's better now!

[SarahB]

28. I'm sorry.

I hope your son is feeling better. The people in the ER had no business doing what they did. It violated patient confidentiality. One perspective I can give you as someone who works in a similar setting is that we see so many sad things every single day that we often have to detach or we just couldn't do it. There's been stuff I've seen that if I didn't detach when I walked through those doors, I'd be so heartbroken that I couldn't get out of bed. That being said, confidentiality is more than polite, it's the law.

[khashka]

29. Can I get really fucking serious here?

I'm glad Jr is OK :) That kind of ear pain really hurts.


Now for the serious part.... I'm checking out. Soon. Ish. I'm not desperate or unhappy or sad or anything. My life is not devoid of love - in fact I have been so lucky to have so many incredibly wonderful people love me. My life is not sad - it has been rich beyond imagining. I'm grateful for it.

But my health problems are getting too bad. Time to kiss all the pretty girls and the pretty boys goodbye and then walk out that door... into whatever...

Khash.

[Modem Butterfly]

30. Last time at the ER, I was next to a woman whose baby had died

I had a bad attack of hives and was given several shots to combat them. That stuff puts you right out, like any anit-histimanines. I drifted in and out of sleep while an accident came in. I was awake enough to gather that a baby was severly injured- the nurses were very upset. One came in to check me and I asked him if they'd saved the baby. He said, "Now how did you know about that?" and I told him I was sort of half-awake when it happened. He told me that I needed to not fight the medicine and just relax while the hives went away.

I'm not sure when the mother came in. They put her in the room next to me. I heard her asking about her baby and her neice. I heard a nurse tell her someone would be in. I heard the doctor tell her that her neice had been life-flighted to Grady Hospital in Atlanta (which is known for having a great trama center). Then, I heard him tell her her baby didn't make it.

I have never heard a human being make the kind of noises this woman made. She kept calling the doctor a liar. She screamed and keened and wailed and kept asking him why he would lie to her like that. My nurse came in and said he was "just getting some supplies". He got a big bottle and needle. I heard him tell the woman he was just going to give her something to help her calm down a little. The woman stopped screaming, but she continue to just sob and sob. I got up, pulled out the IV port, put on a bandaid, got dressed, and left. My nurse asked if I felt okay to leave and I told him that I was pushing it a little but that I couldn't stand to be there anymore. He nodded and said he understood. He asked me to sit in the waiting room while he called my partner. On my way out I passed a couple of orderlies who were crying. Out in the waiting room, everyone was dead silent, just listening to this woman's sobs. I decided not to wait for my partner, and drove myself home.