why do people not want to have children?

[sundog]

for those who don't want to...

i can never say never...

but for the most part, i wouldn't wish anyone to endure some of the shit i had to go through in life...

[Droopy]

1. I don't want the responsibility

Raising a good person is a big deal and hard work. I'm also pretty much fucked in the head to the point that I have to take an anti-psychotic. I've heard that my illness can have some genetic factors. I would not want someone to go through what I've been through trying to get sane especially someone that I love.

[sundog]

2. it would be hard watching my flesh & blood suffer

no human is exempt from suffering... nor exempt from joy for that matter

it's a hard call

[ofrfxsk]

3. I'm sorry, sundog. I read the thread wrong.

I hope you'll be okay.
Actually I'm in the same boat. It ain't fun but I'm trying to get on with the get along. You know what I mean.

[expatriot]

4. my wife and I have both had our respective operations

a couple of years ago.... I was 26 at the time and she was 23... we had been together for five years at that point and married for one. We both knew that we never wanted to have children and we both continue to be very convinced of that. We have always said if we ever for some god awful reason change our minds we will adopt.... which is one of the reasons we never want children... there are so many unwanted children in the world, neglected, abused, etc.


Another reason why we don't want children is we were sure we'd fuck them up.

A third reason is that we were/are sure that id'd fuck us up. I get nervous when I take my daughter (a cat) out for a walk around the vacant lot next to us! I couldn't handle my daughter's first date, the first call from the police, etc.

A fourth reason is that we are both very selfish with our time. It is hard for us to maintain too many friendships because we hate the demands they place on our time. Obviously we both have very good friendships that we don't mind making time for but there is no WAY we could have a kid without resenting the demands that they placed on our time.

A fifth thing is financial.... we love being able to donate a good percentage of our income away to causes. Plus, I am currently professionally wayward (I have a couple jobs, but they are fairly low paying wage jobs that I am over-educated for), children would place a financial strain on us we could not handle very well.

Sixth thing: the population problem

Seventh: time for activism,
IT goes on.... these are some.

[Robeson]

18. Dammit expatriot, you've just used all mine and my wife's reasons....

...and left me with nothing else to say!! Oh, and we've been "fixed" too. My wife and I are in-line with everything you said.

[WindRavenX]

5. There are too many children in the world without a loving home

I have no desire to have spread my genes.
If I decide to want to become a mother, I will adopt.
I have no desire to give birth, considering that my gyno said, um, my womanly parts are on the small side...x(

[sundog]

8. adoption is a whole nother can o'worms

trust me on this ;)

[FuzzySlippers]

6. I'm sorry sundog.

About the shit part.:hug:

[sundog]

7. we all have it

everyone does

i just don't know if i could watch my child endure it

[CanuckAmok]

9. I'm too selfish and juvenile.

But at least I'm honest.

[KaliTracy]

10. never say never....

there were many reasons why we both didn't want children -- his different than mine, perhaps.

time
$$
not wanting to bring in "bad genes" (my father is bi-polar)
emotional baggage (on my side, see above)
no time for creativity/writing
afraid about the state of the world
too many kids needing homes/if we ever did want kids, we could adopt


though at 35, because of St. John's Wort speeding up medicine saturation, everything changed. We had to work through a lot of stuff -- even after the baby was born. He's 5 now. I couldn't imagine life without him. I worry about how he might be emotionally, knowing my history, but can only hope for the best.

Knowing what I know now would my list still the same? Yes. The only way we'd have another child is through foster parenting or adoption, and that would only happen if things drastically changed financially and careerwise.

It's not been easy, but it's been good. If that makes any sense.

[orleans]

11. never say never

i was happy without a child
i am happy with one.

of course your life changes, your perspective on things change/alter (hopefully for the better).

she has made me a better person. she is a joy in my life. she is my favorite person in the world.

i still have a lot of what i call perpetual peter-panism. but i'm a very responsible parent.

before i had a fear that a child would be a ball-and-chain, or that my life would be over. but that didn't happen. the sacrifices were made for her gladly, and a new chapter in my life was added.

but i think you've got to be ready to have a child; emotionally, mentally ready. (not financially necessarily--we never have as much money as we wish we did--if we all waited for that no one would ever have children.) but in you're heart. when you know it's the right thing to do, the right time--then, perhaps, everything will be okay.

(at least in my opinion)

[zann725]

13. Never once did I hear my biological clock tick.

Never once did I feel the urge to have children. I knew very young it wasn't for me. People kept saying, 'Wait...you'll change." But I never did. About that I was and AM certain. It's just nothing I wish to experience first-hand.

We each have our paths in life, and just as not everyone is cut-out to be an Astronaut, or President, or Firefighter...not every Woman with a uterus is cut-out to be a mother. A lot of abused and neglected children would be far better off if their parents had been more "honest" about their TRUE parenting nature.

Unfortunately there's so much family (and societal) pressure for most people to have children, it's just easier to have at least one, than to constantly buck the "system" and remain childless.

[Phentex]

24. My biological clock was digital....

I never heard a thing!

Then I met my significant other. :)

But I agree, there doesn't have to be a clock ticking for everyone.

[NashVegas]

12. Ack

I read the question wrong. (need sleep).

I don't have children for probably similar reasons to many in this thread: I didn't want to bear the responsibility for fucking up anyone else's life the way mine was.

Over the past year, my attitude's come around full circle. Whether that's because I've confronted most of my demons or simple old biological clock ticking away, I dunno. I'm not lining up sperm donors, mind you, I'm just no longer aghast at the idea. There could be worse things.

[Vektor]

14. I have no maternal instinct...

...the urge just never kicked in, and I am 100% sure it never will, since the older I get the MORE certain I become.

[BlueIris]

16. Vektor, I swear to God, you're the best poster on DU.

:-)

[BlueIris]

15. I like my body, (namely, my uterus, vagina and urinary tract) money,

and life the way they are now, and will be despite the various degradations of age SANS THE PRODUCTION OF CHILDREN. I don't like the way they would be after having a child. I don't even like the way they would be while raising a child I did not biologically produce. Not interested in being responsible for a child, trying to care for, talk to, guide, teach, discipline or educate a child. I find other pursuits in life far more rewarding. And even if I were willing to make the monetary and lifestyle sacrifices that being a parent demands, I'm not willing to take on those health risks. Either as the person who gestates, then gives birth to, nurtures and endures ten to twenty years of periodic insomnia for the child, or the co-parent to the person who does that or inseminated someone who did that. The health risks, which are increasingly prevalent among women who endure pregnancy and childbirth in our allegedly civilized society, are simply too significant for me (and I'm a healthy person). And please, no one flame me with having not considered all the inherent joys and complex inner architecture of motherhood--in recent years, I've thought seriously and sincerely about all of those issues. And it's not that I don't respect people who choose to be (good) parents. Of course I do. I even understand--in the theoretical sense that someone who doesn't, ultimately, consider the sacrifices demanded by parenthood to be worthwhile, can comprehend--why people find all of that enjoyable. It's not for me.

And don't even get me started on how I wouldn't want to try to trust another person to equally share the responsibilities of parenthood with me. I'm a heterosexual. If I were to someday philosophically flip inside out and want to have and raise a kid, it would probably be in a relationship (although, when I did consider being a caregiver to a child, my fantasies were always of single parenthood). I have yet to see even one male parent pulling his share of the weight in what should be as completely equal a partnership as possible when it comes to the het couples I've known who have children. I'm sure I'll meet some someday. Maybe. But it hasn't happened yet. All the women I've ever met were doing WAY more work parenting the children another person should have also been equally suffering to care for. Not entirely the fault of the "dads" in question--in my opinion, the hundreds of mothers I've met were allowing their partners to slack, be bad, disengaged, or disconnected "fathers," or in some cases were actively shutting out their co-parents from the childrearing process. Those mothers and fathers weren't doing themselves or their kids any favors with those terrible behaviors. Taking on the risks and stress of single parenthood, with or without a "partner" in the picture, isn't for me either.

[REP]

20. No Flames - Just Applause

[NMMNG]

17. I have a list of reasons

Primarily, I've never wanted to have children. As far back as when I was a teenager I knew I didn't want to have children.

Second, I can barely afford to support myself even with two jobs. I certainly couldn't support myself and a child. And I'm not going to be one of those people who has a child then expects the taxpayers to pay for his/her care!

Third, I have a strong family history of mental illness. My mother has it, both of my sisters have it and I have it. Chances are good my kid would have it even if the father didn't.

Finally, the world today is so F'd up I wouldn't want to bring up a child in it.

[REP]

19. Don't Enjoy Their Company; Hate Handling Shit

Intolerant of loud noises.

I can say never - sterilized twice!

[BlueIris]

22. Oh, that's one I forgot: I'm not good with feces.

I can't handle vomit, either.

[bleedingheart]

21. People who carefully decide to have or not to have children are smart

I have a sister-in-law and brother in-law who has been picked on by family because of her choice to remain childless.

She openly admitted that she feels that she just doesn't want the burden of children and that while she likes kids she just doesn't want any of her own.

I respect that in comparison to the people who treat the decision less seriously and then have children they later decide they do not want or that they neglect.

[BlueIris]

23. That's what I say.

Only I actually say: Very smart.

And fuck that "picking on the child-free" among us shit. That's disgusting. All those resources I've freed up by not having kids? Are available to be used up by those who do have them, or are planning to. Your welcome?

[supernova]

25. Lack of desire and opportunity.... it's complicated.

I was never that big on motherhood, even as a child. I seldom played with dolls, or anything resembiling "girlie stuff." Er, could be because my older brother (by 10 years, was my primary babysitter. I remember some of the first toys I remember were old hoses, pipettes, and the like from my mother's lab. To this day, you can see me being VERY CAREFUL when handling things. And I have a special fondness for glass, for some reason. :7

I also had certain health issues (still do) that, at the time, put kids and my future very much at a distance. No one discussed it with me, so part of me grew up thinking that maybe I shouldn't. As a result, I didn't grow up with the expectation that I would have children. I didn't want to invest myself in that in case it turned out not to be true.

When I got older, a teenager, I didn't dream of being married or having a family especially, though I did dream of being loved. My fantasies for myself were always of the solitary variety, going off on some adventure. My heroines were people like Jane Goodall and Diane Fosse. It didn't occur to me that, during the big fight scene, that I should be fatasizing about cowering in the corner until some big, strapping he-man rescues me. Give ME a sword, dammit! :D

When I became an adult and fell in love, for a while I had that dream of children. I was very into feeling my womanliness, perhaps for the first time in my life. I learned that I was phyically able to have kids, well A kid. I bought into it, as evidenced by all the bodice-rippers I bought during this period. And it seemed that it might work that way. But he turned out not to be someone I could rely on, much less having a child who needs everything rely on him. In fact, he was emotionally abusive and I simply, in good conscience, not expose a child to that behavior. I was fanatical about us using birth control. We never failed. even once. I made sure of that.

In the present, it might be nice; I'm not totally averse to it, should I find a good partner. And yes, he would seriously have to clock housework time too. I simply couldn't live with someone who expected me to do it all. I don't have the energy. But at my age, mid-40s, I'd seriously consider adopting now. And I would only consider it within the context of a relationship. My hat's off to anyone who is a single parent. I lack the wherewithal to do it. It's enough just meeting my needs everyday, a kid would overwhelm me without help.

.

[hippiechick]

26. In retrospect ...

... having been through an oops who is now about to turn 14; I have mixed feelings.

When I accidentally got pregnant (I was 24), I was too chicken to have an abortion (huh?) so opted for what turned out to be the most difficult 10 years of my life; raising her essentially on my own, working and going to school, stuck in poverty, and completely foregoing any sort of 'fun'. The stress was unimaginable. Yet so is the strength of the bond between us, and the depth of things she has taught me. She now lives with her dad and stepmom, by mutual agreement.

I love her to death but when I was young I never wanted kids - never saw myself as a 'mom'. And now, I would not consider dating a man who has kids, let alone wants more.

I respect anyone's informed choice to have - or not have - children; and I think folks should make it a point to listen to their inner voice rather than cave to 'peer pressure' or 'family pressure' or some idealized notion of 'having a family is so wonderful' (or vice versa, depending on the messenger).

I think it's something only your soul can tell you.

[radwriter0555]

27. The human need to precreate, to continue the species is an instinct that

literally defies and compels us above all others.

Oddly though, the ones who do it the most, should apparently do it the least, or maybe that method is the crap shoot style, where for all the walmart republicans in a family, there is one decent human to be popped out who will be a radical world changer or something.

I don't care much for other people's kids, since they're not very enjoyable due to inadequate parenting, but occasionally I find that righteous human that is way cool. Usually they end up as okay human adults in spite of their parents anyway, luckily.

My daughter is perfect of course. *cough*

That being said, the people who don't want to reproduce seem to be of far higher intellect... for what that's worth.

[BlueIris]

29. I am so thankful I've never had that "instinct."

Lots of people, many who chose to post in this thread among them, don't have it. And many biologists, geneticists, anthropologist, psychologists and medical doctors over the last hundred years have explained that the belief that the desire to procreate, among humans, is "instinctual" may be erroneous. We're not chimpanzees, or hyenas. Gloris Steinem, for her part, explicates on this subject beautifully in "Revolution From Within," Or ability, or natural, spontaneously formed desire to separate ourselves from our baser, animal instincts, like breeding, is what sets humans apart from less developed species. I personally, think too many people "choose" to have children after a lifetime of social conditioning. Instinct my fat, child-free-and-happy (not to mention healthy) ass.

[sundog]

28. thanks for the responses...

reading them all...

i was just curious how others felt on the subject

:)

[progmom]

30. i never really thought i did

never really liked kids all that much, to be honest

and then...i guess it's just programmed, eh? started thinking about it. but i was convinced i was way too immature and self-centered. asked a pregnant friend how she knew she was ready. her response? "If I had waited until I felt ready, I probably wouldn't have decided to have a kid until I was 50. You just have to trust yourself and make that leap." somehow those words resonated and i took the leap - got knocked up within two months of that conversation. ;)

and i will tell you what. i am still immature in a lot of ways, but having a kid has changed me for the better. and i never anticipated how wonderful this love feels. it's amazing. :hi:

[sundog]

32. and i applaud you & anyone else who takes that jump...

with care & consideration... and i know you'll be a great guiding force ;) xxoo

just not sure if it's for me...

but i can never say never... you never know what life has in store for you :)

[LisaL]

31. Hormones. If people didn't want children, and didn't reproduce,

then they would die off, obviously. It's all programmed into you to insure the survival of the species.

[Guy Fawkes]

33. Anti-child labour?