I told my best friend I love her and was soundly rejected

[Demonaut]

if you appeal to a woman intellectually but not physically what do you do? I'm not unattractive, I have women check me out, told I've nice eyes and I watch my weight, not tall but comfortable with my height, considered intelligent by my peers. This has caused a major rift in our relationship, we went to cozumel as "friends" but I stupidly thought the sunsets and beaches and the adventures we would experience would be possibly an avenue to explore more about our feelings toward each other, now she considers it an act of betrayal and she feels she can't trust me anymore. the kicker: she's 26 and I'm 42, I rarely find women who think like me and I can really talk too, I know she's young, but sometimes you cannot ignore the spark, the electricity that flows from you. She once asked me a question no women has ever asked me before, one that I find wonderful and beautiful, she asked me "what was the greatest loss to humanity" and I answered "the burning of the Great Library of Alexendria" I found it profound. Its the small things that tell much about a person and the most important.

[WindRavenX]

1. I'm sorry

But remember...men do this too. It's a people thing, and not a female thing :hi:

P.S.: great answer, re: the greatest loss to humanity

[Demonaut]

3. actually that's how it was put but I'm three beers and two shots into the

evening

[smartvoter]

2. Well, I'll toast you tonight for taking the chance. nt

[autorank]

4. When it starts "friends" it stays "friends." Use that as your rule

and it won't face this problem again. There's always "friends with benefits" but that's for people who have a strong physical attraction but want to remain friends.

Great answer to your question. Mine would be: "the loss of Roller Derby ."

But, he, I'm :silly:

[regnaD kciN]

Not always...

There was this girl I knew in the '80s. We became incredibly close friends over about a five-month period. Most of our common friends assumed we were a couple, and we had to spend some time setting them straight on a regular basis. (The truth was, I was pretty much in love with her already, but she had a boyfriend, and I thought it clear that I was very much in the "just friends" category.)

Well, eventually, things changed. And we've been married almost fourteen years.

[Demonaut]

50. And this is what I had hoped for, it's not impossible.

just unlikely

[autorank]

54. Way to go!!!!! I think that's great.

My statement was a generalization. I could say that there was a latent attraction all along but that is something that only you know. This is an interesting quesiton. I really like hearing stories like yours.

[Droopy]

5. I'm sorry, man

Best to move on and consider it her loss even though I know you are hurting right now. Did she think you were gay or something?

[Demonaut]

6. lol, she did discuss this with her friend once but she knows

I'm all about women.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

9. Dude,

you let your unspoken assumptions become a fantasy that now has left you disappointed and maybe even cost you a friend. If you wanted the relationship to be more, you should have told her, not bet on sunsets.

As for the age difference, let me speak as someone with far too much experience with older men (when I was young), and tell you that eighteen years is a great big number of years. A woman of twenty-six has so much to do and so much to experience and your eighteen-year advantage would really make for a great friendship, but romance would be a fast ticket to a bad end.

You sound so sad, and I'm sorry. But, you'll meet someone else, and you'll figure out that relationships thrive best when all the cards are on the table, when rejection is always risked in the name of honesty. Makes the ride a whole lot more interesting.

Good luck, sweetie.

[Demonaut]

16. I knew this but I hopelessly romantic, I've never been married but not for

lack of opportunity but for the want of a deep connection. I have this with her but the other part for her is nonexistant, well at least I still know I have the capacity to care for someone as deeply as I care for her

[OldLeftieLawyer]

20. "Hopeless" and "romantic" used together

are a recipe for solitude.

Try being real. Women hate being idealized. Woman love reality. That's what we build lives on, choose spouses for, and embrace totally.

Romantic gestures are nice, but they rate really low on the scale, long after things like honesty, truthfulness, communication, and respect. More than anything, we want to be seen as we really are - not as anyone's romantic fantasy.

You might be happier dating someone closer to your age. She'll have a fine sense of reality, and you might enjoy that.

[Demonaut]

27. and reading my posts I feel such a fool, lol, thanks, wisdom is gained

from experience and I've hopefully wised up

[Droopy]

11. Then she should have known that you at least wanted

to hop in the sack with her. I can understand her not wanting to have a relationship or sex with you, but I don't understand thinking less of you for coming on to her.

[mike_c]

7. ahhh, that's bloody hard....

I'll join you in a toast to good friends and best attempts. Here's to trying. If she values your friendship, it'll likely survive this. :toast:

[Demonaut]

8. thanks, toasting ................now

[all.of.me]

15. i agree

a solid friendship will survive this. i recently went through the same thing. it actually made our friendship better, because we could honestly and calmly talk it over and still be crazy about each other as friends. it's a great feeling once you get past the awkward phase of having expressed yourself in vain.

[Lannes]

10. She might feel more comfortable

If she knows you are seeing someone else.

[BikeWriter]

12. You sound like righteous people, and I can tell this isn't...

My ex, so I'll wish you luck.

[TransitJohn]

13. Dude

You shoulda been wiser than to play that card w/ a woman who considers you her good friend....didn't it occur to you that she would want to keep you in that role because you will always provide the "safe" male? Probably reinforced by the age difference. I'm not trying to be a mean bastard or a prick, man...I'm single and lonely too. I guess all I have to offer you is the funniest joke I've ever written...funny because it's true.

"I look at marriage like I look at the chicken pox....I've had it once, and I shouldn't get it again."

Good luck, :hug:

[Demonaut]

18. I knew this too but I took a chance. You can't blame me for trying

"nothing ventured nothing gained"

[NashVegas]

31. Shouldn't Have Let the Sunsets Go to Your Head

A 26 year old woman who has a close, platonic relationship with a man that much her senior more than likely has major Daddy issues, IMO. Some kind of issues, anyway.

Surprising her with an invitation to intimacy while you're already in the middle of a vacation in a romantic getaway spot, if she wasn't thinking along those lines, is akin to emotionally jumping her. Major pressure. And where could she go to consider it?

My suggestion: apologize for making her uncomfortable, but don't backtrack on what you said about your feelings.

[Demonaut]

40. I think that's some of the best advice I've heard, thanks

and she's let me know as much.

[Kat45]

14. Since she's a lot younger than you, she may not have even

thought of you as being in the range of men she would think of getting involved with romantically. So it may not have anything to do with physical attraction; it could just be that she wouldn't think of someone as "old" as you in that way. You know, like you're not in the "category" of men she would be considering. I hope I'm explaining myself well; there's nothing insulting in what I'm saying so please don't take it that way.

[Demonaut]

21. not at all, its just I don't feel old and age can be more a mental thing

than physical

[Kat45]

25. I agree with you about age being a mental thing, but I've noticed

it tends to be us "older" folks who have that attitude more so than the young'uns. :-)

[Demonaut]

29. lol so true....I hate being called "mister'

[countmyvote4real]

17. Best friends for how long? Can't be more than 16 years.

More likely, it's much less. I think you're the one that needs to grow up. Sorry, on all accounts. Grow up and move on.

[Demonaut]

24. 6 years, she's not held on to too many friends from her past

too difficult to explain

[Demonaut]

39. grow up? maturity is gained on different levels, some you want to retard

because cynicism can fill the void. I rather be the optimistic type than venture down that road

[enigmatic]

19. Ugh

That sucks, bro. I've been on that end, too; it's not fun..

[RevCheesehead]

22. An age difference like that might not seem like much to you,

but to her, one has to ask why she isn't interested in guys her own age. In your defense, it sounds like she was sending you mixed signals - especially that trip together. I mean, what did SHE expect would or might happen?

If it's a good friendship, it will survive. But chances are, she was looking for a father-image as a friend in her life. Sorry. :(

[Redstone]

23. Sometimes you gotta bet everything on one roll of the dice,

like when I spent my last (really) $600 to buy a plane ticket to fly the woman who is now my wife from California to Connecticut...

And sometimes the dice come up boxcars.

At least you tried. Remember that as you forget this one and move on to the next.

Gotta let it go.

Redstone

[Left Is Write]

26. I'm sorry you got hurt.

:(

[Crazy Guggenheim]

28. You should have asked her .....

"what was the greatest loss to humanity" and see how she answered it! It's called give and take.

[Demonaut]

30. she knew the answer, she was testing me

[Crazy Guggenheim]

33. Whoa. Why didn't you test her back?

[R. A. Fuqua]

32. what do you mean by

"soundly rejected"?

Every relationship is different--I have found that it works best to work slowly with women--to let them know very subtly in small ways that I like them and that I am interested in them -- and I do this for a while before I make ANY sort of physical move. I have found that this significantly decreases the chances of a rejection.

Anyway--it depends on how soundly you were rejected--but I have had women act like they were not interested in me at first--then later after they got to know me--they have shown interest and ended up dating me. Sometimes women need a little bit of time to feel comfortable with a guy.

However, that is probably not the case for you--since you said this has been a good friend for a long time? Of course, you never know--what is a significant friendship to you--may be only a minor diversion for her. I am not trying to be negative--but just to point out sometimes the other person in a relationship will see things very differently from how you see them.

That is why when I am interested in a woman, I make a lot of effort to listen to what she is saying and figure out where she is coming from.

It is interesting to me that you make the point of how clever you think that you were in conversation with her--(and I do think that you made a great comment) but how do you know that she was as into the conversation as you were? What did SHE say was the most important loss to civilization?

It sounds like you were trying to impress her with how debonair, intelligent and well-read YOU are. In my experience, women often get turned off by this, they respond better to me when I listen to what they have to say....but that is just me.

[Demonaut]

34. I don't like pretentious people, I know its sounds like I was trying to

impress her but we were playing a game at a bar where you answer questions presented on a monitor, the question was something about Ptolemic Egypt. It was important to me thats all

[R. A. Fuqua]

36. awww....

that sounds like fun! I didn't mean to accuse you of being pretentious--I just know that often men (including myself) tend to concentrate on what they are saying and what they will be saying next instead of listening to the woman they are on a date with.

It is just something to be aware of.

An extreme example--My sister just had a nightmare date with a very nice man that I personally know--he kept interrupting her, and talking over her--and generally showing her no respect. Now, I know for a fact that he likes her--but he is never going to get another chance with her. This is very sad--he is a nice guy--and I know for a fact he has had a crush on her for 3 years! But he blew it big time--and she is not going to give second chances.

My sis is PICKY! Hey--if you are in the market for a beautiful, sexy, intelligent woman (PhD from the University of California) I could hook you up. (She lives in Ca like me though....)

[tigereye]

38. hmmm

I appreciate your sense of the bond between you... sometimes age seems irrelevant when you have a strong bond with an individual. But at the same time, the bond is not always seen the same way by both parties. I really like your comment about the intellectial connection between you, that is critical to me... I cannot imagine a LT relationship without having both or even more! I wouldn't still be married if I didn't feel both an ongoing and growing emotional, physical and intellectual connection with my husband. It is a gift if you have all 3. Good luck! And be hopeful that you can maintain the intellectual friendship. That too is valuable.

[tinfoilinfor2005]

35. Oh man, can I be really honest with you?

If Donald Trump didn't have a billion dollars, his gorgeous flawless very young wife wouldn't give Mr. bad hair day another thought.

Picture the real life Little elderly Tom Cruise working as a CPA in somewhere USA. Would never ever get a chance with his Katie.

and before you flame me...

None of the older actresses with boy toys would get a second glimpse from the studs if they weren't rich or famous.

If you want a young gorgeous lady sixteen years younger than yourself, don't dazzle her with your knowledge of history. Show her your checkbook. If she jumps at then have a great time. If she delines this offer...marry her if she will have you.

[Demonaut]

37. silly me, I thought there was more to life than money.

and I'm not broke, not wealthy but comfortable

[Ladyhawk]

41. I hope there's more to life than money because I ain't got any. :D n/t

[CaliforniaPeggy]

48. My dear Ladyhawk! There is a whole lot more to life than money...

Of course, money makes life so much easier. If you manage it correctly, of course.
Intellectual, spiritual, musical things all contribute to a rich life...and you already know this, I know you do! Not to worry...

:loveya:

[GirlinContempt]

43. Bullshit

I routinely date older men, and I don't care HOW much they make. Now, I'm not an actress or a model, but I'm also not hurtin' for dates in general.

[Droopy]

44. God bless you

:)

[GirlinContempt]

51. Er, thanks?

:)

[Droopy]

52. Yes it's a compliment

Not many people of either sex are willing to look beyond age to see the real person. They are always looking for someone who is around their age it seems like. I currently am fascinated with a woman who is 8 years older than me, but I don't think she gets it yet because of my age.

[GirlinContempt]

56. Well

tell her ;)

Age isn't all that important. Good peoples is good peoples.

[valis]

42. greatest loss to humanity: McDonalds.

[Floogeldy]

45. Apparently she was using you for free trips to Cozumel.

Next time, don't be so gullible. Grab a breast first to make sure there is no adverse reaction.

B-)

[Crazy Guggenheim]

46. That's all it is. A free trip.

[Demonaut]

47. we split the trip, she covered the hotel I covered the airfare and

food.

[Crazy Guggenheim]

49. But she said FRIEND!

[Demonaut]

53. I know! understand, this is the rambling of incoherent drunk

asking stupid emotional questions I would never post on a forum a rarely ever post on

[Floogeldy]

55. Don't EVER take a chick to Cozumel unless you are sure . . .

. . . she is going to boink you into oblivion.

It's not worth it.

B-)

[BlueIris]

57. As a woman who accepted two of her male best friends' proposals

for romatic relationships, I can tell ya--sometimes it's really best to let a great friendship be a great friendship. I'm not everyone--the main problem was, those guys were both assholes and sucked at relationships--but I wouldn't even consider dating "a friend" again. Nope. Not happening. It WILL wreck whatever friendship I've had with that person, especially if the relationship ends badly. This probably doesn't assist you if you're not happy with your situation right now, but maybe you're a LOT better off.