Calling All Parents! Please, Please, Please! I NEED Some Help!

[DistressedAmerican]

I have a question.

I am a full time stay at home dad while I am working on my doctoral dissertation. My wife works during the week. Up until last week that arrangement was working out just great. I was so happy to be able to spend the time with my daughter. I find it a rare privilege which many fathers miss out on.

However, at the beginning of last week, something changed for the worse. VERY MUCH SO. My daughter suddenly became amazingly mommycentric. Most days my wife gets up, feeds her and puts her back to sleep. I take over when she wakes up. Since the change, she cries and screams and kicks literally the entire time she is awake. It ends abruptly the second my wife comes home and she is all grins the rest of the night. All weekend she was great.

Here I sit this morning. She is still asleep. Should be awake soon. I an literally TERRIFIED that she will continue with this behavior. It drove me to the wall last week. Pretty well had me in tears. Both because the screaming is so brutal on the mind and because I am a little hurt that I have been here feeding and caring for her for months and suddenly I am not good enough for her. I know it is nothing personal on her part but it bothers me immensely just the same.

Note here that detainees that we want to break are commonly exposed to recorded baby screaming for hours on end. It is one of the most effective techniques known. I suspect evolution has made it the most disturbing sound on the planet. I'd rather listen to jackhammer all day!

Here's my question:

Is this likely to continue for a long time or is this a short phase that I should be able to get through? Also is there anything I may be able to do to change the situation?

I'm desperate here. Literally terrified for my mental health. Help!

Sad thing is that she is so damn cute. It rips me up to see her so sad and angry!

Here she was the day before the horrible change. Imagine that cute little face beet red and screaming for hours on end...

[BR_Parkway]

1. It's just a phase, you'll get through it. Mostly means that she's

learned to differentiate between you and mommy, which is a good thing - because now you can each have different influence on her life. Not that you're not good enough, she's just recognizing that you and mommy aren't BOTH there. If the situation were reversed, she'd be screaming for her daddy.

[DistressedAmerican]

8. I Hadn't Thought About It In Those Terms.

I will try to keep that in mind as I move through this (hopefully) short phase! Thank you!:pals:

[JimmyJazz]

2. Wow. I 'm sorry to hear that. She is beautiful!

Have you tired distracting her? As soon as she wakes up, dress her and take her for an outing - even if it's just a walk in her stroller or a trip to the park.

Whatever it is she is going through, I hope it passes quickly :hug:

[DistressedAmerican]

4. I Have Tried EVERYTHING I Can Think Of! Walks, Play, Singing, Tickling

you name it. It has all failed. It is really bumming me out.

I hope it passes quickly as well. I can't take it for long. Just too brutal.

[trotsky]

3. Seek out DUer rbnyc.

She and her husband have been through this exact scenario. Either PM her or post to the Parenting group.

[DistressedAmerican]

5. I will try that! Thanks you for the suggestion!

[Karenina]

6. (((BIG HUG)))

Poor papa. It IS just a phase. You'll get YOUR turn when she turns on her mom at about 12 or so. "You're ugly, stupid, fat and a pain and daddy likes me best!" So it goes... :hug:

[kick-ass-bob]

7. It probably won't last that long.

Only a year or 2. :7

Just kidding - it will probably reverse (maybe not the screaming, but the preference for mom or dad) several times, but this bout of screaming won't last too long.

[DistressedAmerican]

9. Fuck! Why The Hell Am I Crying Right Now?

Really not like me at all!

[tavalon]

10. Okay

Get some silicone ear plugs (like kids use in the pool). Use them but keep her in your sight at all times because you won't hear her do something dangerous. If the thought of plugging your ears worries you, consider taking a time out if necessary. They aren't just for little ones. Just make sure she is safely tucked into her room before taking said break.

This is a stage. This is only a stage. She isn't betraying you. Her mommy has just become a rare commodity to her. How long will this last? That's the hard one. A day, a week, a month, a year (I doubt the last one - and you wouldn't be the only person needing mental help in that case).

Boy, isn't it amazing how someone so little can have us completely knotted up?

She is incredibly cute, BTW.

[southlandshari]

11. I feel for you!

We had this situation when my daughter was young, and it was difficult for all three of us. I do remember it being clear to me at the time that my daughter seemed to be sensing my husband's fears about the situation and that made her more likely to scream for me. Kids are like dogs that way, unfortunately.

Try the parenting group on DU for more suggestions. I may check back in with some of my own, but am running late for work. Just wanted to post in support for you - parenting is so overwhelming sometimes. And heartbreaking.

It will pass, of that I'm sure. Anything and everything you can do to relax whenever she starts crying will help. Let go of EVERYTHING else you have to do (I know how incredibly frustrating it can be when you've got other things to work on, but believe me, they can wait, and developing that as a mantra may help keep your cool when it starts, and help the crying jags end sooner).

If it gets unbearable, put her in her crib, close the door, and take a five minute breather. Walk away (not too far), but it may help de-escalate things for both of you. Any parent who tells you they haven't been frustrated to the point of thinking about things they never would actually do because of an infant's uncontrollable crying is lying.

Sending as much good karma as I can muster on a Monday morning your way!

Shari

[DistressedAmerican]

13. Thank You I REALLY NEED IT This Morning!!!

[CornField]

12. Does your wife have a certain scent?

Does she use the same soap all the time or wear the same perfume? If so, try using it yourself.

You may also want to try messing with her schedule -- instead of your wife getting up with her, you get up with her. Instead of sleeping until 9, wake her up at 8. Move her bath to later in the day... take her on an outing first thing in the morning... tell your wife to go out with friends (come home later than usual).

[DistressedAmerican]

14. Good Suggestions! I'll Give Them A Try.

Hell, throwing her delicate schedule off a bit may be like rebooting the computer! Lets hope!

[blondeatlast]

15. I echo trotsky's suggestion, although Rene hasn't been very

active on the boards lately. I also think posting in the parenting forum is a great idea.

Have you talked to her pediatrician? I swear, my son's pediatrician has the answer to every childhood dilenmma I've encountered, since she is the parent of a couple of young ones as well. I don't know how she does it.

BTW, if you are at the end of your rope, you might put her in her crib until she gets it out of her system. I had similar, but milder, instances with my son. His dr. suggested this, and warned me it would be killer on me the first few times, and it was indeed. But he quickly learned that the behaviour wouldn't get him attentio and within less than a week, he stopped the LONG tirades. He didn't stop them entirely, but he quickly realized the door shutting behind him meant if he wanted attention, he'd better calm down

Of course, it ripped me to shreds to leave him alone in his crib, but it seemd to have worked.

Take care of yourself and remember we are always here for you!

[DistressedAmerican]

20. I Just Sent A PM To Her. Hopefully They Have Beat The Problem.

I should talk to the doc. Hadn't really occured to me.

I do take breaks for sanity. I will try to be more consistent and make it a cause and effect realtionship rather than just a chance for me to get my head straight before returning to the battle.

Thanks for the suggestions.

BTW - Stopped crying! That is progress!

You guys are great!:grouphug:

[southlandshari]

16. When it gets really bad

put her in her crib, close the door, and call a friend to talk you through it. You should only stay away a few minutes, but that little break for you can make a huge difference. Then go back for another round. Repeat as many times as necessary. PM me and I'll give you my number to add to your list for moral support if you don't mind long distance!

[Debbi801]

17. It truly is just a phase...

She will out grow this, it is perfectly normal. Although, terrible for you right now. The important thing is to find a way for you to deal with it as best you can until she does out grow it. The ear plugs were a decent idea, or an MP3 player with head phones.

I would try to wrap her in a shirt that your wife has worn, or drape the shirt on you and let her lay against it. A baby's sense of smell is very strong and that may soothe her a bit.

Sending lots of positive vibes your way. Your daughter is adorable!

:hug:

Debbi

[LizW]

18. A sudden behavior change is frustrating

She could be feeling unwell, but if it was fever or something really acute, you would know by now. Teething? Stomach pain? Um..how are the diapers?

Since she gets fine when your wife is home, it probably is not illness or pain, though.

It could be something that she is not capable of telling you, perhaps a bad scary dream. Or, she just may have reached a level of maturity where she suddenly understands that mommy goes away and comes back. Mom's not "disappeared" during the day, she's actually somewhere else. Ergo, maybe if she shows her displeasure with that loudly enough, Mom will stay (baby logic). If that's it, just remember, she's not trying to hurt you, she is just a baby and wants what she wants.

Kids showing preference for one parent over the other is really quite common. I have one son who prefers me and one who quite clearly prefers his dad (and they are 10 and 12). But I know they both love me, and I just try not to let it hurt.

As for the long bouts of screaming, it is a horrible ordeal for any parent. You have to try to break it up if you can with a trip outside in the stroller (even if she's still screaming) or a bath, or a swing in the swing or something. Unfortunately, your work is probably just toast during these days. There's no way to get much of anything done when a baby is screaming.

I understand how they can drive you to the wall. I have literally laid on the floor of the nursery sobbing while my youngest shrieked, and I counted the minutes until my husband got home. I did learn to use deep yoga breathing during bouts of baby screaming. It helps. It will calm you and sometimes even calms the baby.

[blondeatlast]

19. Here's rbnyc's thread about her similar situation from the parenting forum

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=238x1374

There is some really good advice there; I hope its helpful. :hug:

[DistressedAmerican]

21. Thanks! I'll Give It A Thorough Read!!!

I feel MUCH better already! I'm so glad I came to my DU friends with this. Seemed a litle odd to me to do so. But, it was clearly a good idea!

Love ya!

[Misunderestimator]

22. I think through her screams she's asking you "Who is God?"

:D Sorry I don't have any suggestions (or kids... the screaming being one of the reasons why I chose not to have them)... don't envy you that screaming. Perhaps some foam earplugs are in order?

[DistressedAmerican]

23. If It Is God That Troubles Her, I'm In Big Trouble!

As an athiest, I have no answer to that question (or at least not one that wouldn't offend a believer)! Yikes!

LOL!:evilgrin:

[tigereye]

24. hope things improve DA

my husband was a work/ stay at home when our son was young. He had a colicky period where he screamed to beat the band. It was bad, but it did pass.

Just take some deep breaths, this too shall pass. :) I like the smell like mommy suggestion, myself. Hope you have a great day!

:hug:

[cornermouse]

25. Probably an adjustment period.

Things you might want to try

1. put her in her carseat and drive till she goes to sleep.

2. plan an fun (from her perspective not yours) outing (zoo, McDonald's playroom, etc.) once a week while mommy's gone.

3. try to play/interact (read, play games, talk) with her so that she thinks you're fun.

Of course, I don't know what that's going to do to your doctoral dissertation...

In the meantime, just keep thinking of a long view. A few years from now, you're going to be her ideal, the person she tags along behind, the man that she measures every guy she dates against to see if they can come up to the standard that you set.

[DistressedAmerican]

26. Oh, The Diss Is Totally On Hold From The Behavior!

Those are all some great suggestions!

BTW - I AM FUN DAMMIT! SHE USED TO LOVE PLAYING WITH ME!}(

[DistressedAmerican]

27. She's Up! Wish Me Luck!

:bounce:

[babydollhead]

28. this works

you and mom should hang out with her together. let her see mom liking you like a family hug sandwich. let her have mom mom mom as much as she wants when mom is around. take off her shoes and socks. give her empyt little boxes to play with, or measuring cups. never get used to any phase, she'll keep changing. don't anthropomorphise any of her actions, take on a "and also this" attitude. be happy yourself and she'll be happy there is no love scale, just love. find other parents who are home also, make coffee, parent in parks or on the floor together. fuck the computer. fuck your own agenda. roll with it and play play play. be the rock of calm happy life loving joy she can return to. maybe she is ready to spring board into standing or saying something or trying something new. let her spash in a little pan of water. play peekaboo. just relax and love her and thats it. also, take a break when mom is home so you don't have to see them as having all the fun while you put in all the work and time. dress her in only cotton. cut the tags off her clothes. make animal noises.

[DistressedAmerican]

29. Hey babydollhead! Welcome To DU! All Excellent Suggestions!

I have been and am working most of those angles.

She just went back down for a nap and I am taking a breather right now. The first round of the day was pretty ugly but, not quite as bad as last week. I'll hang in there though. I know it is probably short lived. I am just a bit shocked at how efficiently she was able to get me on the ropes.

But, she's a beautiful baby and I love her! So, I'll keep working at it. I have to admit I've been very lucky up until last week. Sleeps great, is usually the happiest little baby. I suspect that is one reason it has been so hard over the past week!

Thanks for the interest and the ideas.

The Lounge posse has really helped me out this morning!!!:grouphug:

[davsand]

30. Material Girl was home with Dad half days up to 18 months old.

We both worked "part time" when she was a baby. She was home with Daddy every morning and Mommy every afternoon. We went thru a phase where Daddy was who she wanted when she was really upset or in pain of any kind. Made me feel like a horrible failure as a Mommy because my baby was reaching for her Daddy instead of me.

That did pass, and now, she enjoys a relationship with both of us.

You are in a unique position for a man--you are getting time to establish a relationship with your kid that most men will NEVER know. I honestly feel it will carry over for life, and I think you and your kid are SO very lucky that you have that kind of time together. You are getting and giving a gift at the same time!

It isn't easy, and there are days (boy HOWDY, there ARE days!) when parenting is the creepiest thing I have ever done. It is also one of the best payoffs when I see my (now 8 year old) daughter growing and being a spectacular person that carries values and attitudes from both her father and from me.

DO walk away when it gets to be too much. There is NOTHING wrong with putting the baby in a safe place and taking a minute to catch your breath or re-establish some control. Like every OTHER parenting job, it isn't easy, but it has to happen sometimes. You parent more effectively when you are not maxed out emotionally...

Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you want to vent--it ain't easy. For that matter, feel free to PM kevsand (Material Girl's Dad and my husband) and maybe he can give you some special Daddy secret that he used (or teach the special handshake--I dunno...)


Laura

[DistressedAmerican]

34. OMG - YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!

All of your replies have really raised me spirits and given me the pep talk I needed to face it again.

You are right that I am very lucky to have the opportunity. It can only be good for the both of us to have this early bonding time. And my wife is thrilled because she has someone she knows and trusts to watch the girl while she is away.

I try to remind myself of that fact everyday. Your reminders help a lot!

[Iris]

31. This happens to a good friend of mine, except she stays at home and

when her husband returns from work, their little girl is all over HIM!

[philosophie_en_rose]

32. This too shall pass.

It's cold comfort, but you'll probably look fondly on these days when she's a teenager. :)

This seems to be a phase and it will pass. It probably just occurred to her that mommy is gone and that she misses her. She sees you everyday and takes you for granted, but it doesn't mean she's reacting negatively to you.

I'm not a baby expert at all, but you might try something unorthodox like having her mom's voice on a recorder.

[DistressedAmerican]

33. Hmmm! I Like It! Tapes. I Am Planning The Same When I Go To Mexico For

for my research. I think that is a great idea!